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A poem


roger136913

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roger136913

I wrote this but did not send to the Wife...

 

 

Beautiful memories of you, I will always treasure,

For all your memories give my heart pleasure.

Feelings are our inner thoughts,

Look real close, they show our wants.

 

 

 

 

Three little words can mean so much,

They speak volumes of Love and such.

Beware on how choose to use them,

Use them wrong or betray, you have Mayhem.

 

 

 

 

Hearts are broken often, all not with intent,

Sometimes peoples brains get stupid, and incompetent.

Most people have reasons they might say,

Others, got lost along the way.

 

 

 

 

The pain you carried, through the years,

I could never count that many tears.

To be hurt by someone so close, and dear,

You locked your heart, and in came the fear.

 

 

 

 

I tried many key's, I tried to break in,

You allowed me closer, once again.

You let me turn a few keys,

All of the sudden the rug comes out and I fall to my knees.

 

 

 

 

When I shattered your heart, and words were said,

I had to lie, it was what came to my head.

After the dust settled, I thought things would be great,

It's like my heart burst, you became my soul mate.

 

 

 

 

Then four little words came back too,

Four little words, I don't love you,

A beautiful women in every way,

Had her heart shattered that very day.

 

 

 

 

I tried to change time, I tried to see why?

I had no reason, I was a stupid guy.

With miles between us, it seems like the end,

I type this broken heart ed, for only you my heart can mend.

 

 

 

 

Carrying the guilt has been hard, and I would pray,

But it's nothing compared to the feelings I have, and can't say.

Each night I say I love you, and try to dream,

Of one day we are in each others arms, hugging

as we rip from the our seams.

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learning_slowly

Maybe it's me, but I think you're wasting a lot of energy on a past relationship. How long did that take to write? You could have been filling in your details on a dating website?

 

Move on as they have chosen to do and find new happiness.

 

I have a hangover today, but feel lucky to be alive and able to change my future how I decide. You can do that too.

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Good job Roger, do not send it. Burn it, toss it over a bridge, make a paper plane out of it but don't send.

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roger136913

Learning,

 

My Wife left me 5 weeks ago Today, I think it's way too early for me dating. I was married 24 years and Lived a total of 28 years.

 

Jdpt

 

Thank You, and I won't send it It's 2 days with NC and I am dying...

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learning_slowly

If you think it's too early to date, then do another activity. You're younger than me and I can tell you there will be a stage where you will look back and wish you had not wasted this time.

 

Ask yourself: Are you choosing to spend less time with the person who you will hopefully fall in love with next?

 

And thanks, because in answering that it has made me think I'm going too slow :)

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roger136913

Yea way too early for me to think about dating, I have lost all interest in the things I liked lol..

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learning_slowly

Well take up something new. It's your chance to grow. Learn to play a team sport or make something. That way you can meet new people who are just friends to replace the vacuum that you now have.

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Roger, hang in there buddy. It WILL get better....it just takes time.

 

As for the poem, as another poster said, just burn it. It's cathartic. It's weird how you can physically feel it. My XW never gave much to me, or wrote much for me. But we did have a little journal that we would sometimes write things to each other in. She didn't contribute a whole lot to it, but there were some entries from her.

 

I kept it around for awhile, as well as a handful of pictures of her and us. Finally, I just got sick of her 'presence'. So, I took the journal and pics outside and burned them. It was sad for me, but as those artifacts rose up in the air as smoke, I could feel a lot of weight lifting off me as well.

 

The weirdest part though, was that there was part of a page where she said that I was the man she had dreamt about her whole life and that she loved me endlessly...and it just wouldn't burn. I had to reignite it 4 times...the first 3, it would just go out. I had always thought she truly loved me, but now I know that she didn't. So, it was fitting that it was so hard to burn that part, because her not really loving me was a notion I just didn't want to accept. Finally, I just made it burn, and that was when I really turned the corner in moving on from the marriage.

 

Now, I have only one picture of her...from when she was pregnant with our first child. It's just such a beautiful picture that I can't bring myself to get rid of it. She, on the other hand, has all of out pics over 14 years, notes, cards, etc. But I got rid of it, and I'm happy that I did.

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roger136913

Learning

 

I was never one for meeting people, I don't like crowds. I do have 7 Friends whom I play on line FPS, have been friends for 12 years. It was 9 the game we played my Wife played also...

 

Well I am an Admin at the server so I check logs for anything nasty so I can ban them. We run a game server for fun, half the time we just laugh and talk. So 1 was lost as I seen my wife trying to ask a mutual friend about cyber sex... This was 5 month after her Hysto, so I was pissed.. I never talked to him again, and he was a good friend but I was so mad and he did nothing. I never said much as he thought it was me messing with him. So anyway she was mad, I was mad... well we are playing again and my wife was playing from her puter she starts putting stuff in the chat and it made no sense. So I leave the spare room and go to our bedroom and start laughing ( I knew something was wrong) she said nothing so I went to change the screen, and she try to stop me, but I won. It was friend #8 who was having an on line affair with my wife. I called him, as we talked a lot. I said Bob what the @#$%?????? He said sorry Roger and I said it's the end now he said ok.

My Wife was livid, and said she did not love me. He was leaving his wife and she was leaving me he loved her so much. Told me to pack my bags, I did but stayed and next day I called his wife. She said Roger the stuff she sent email she is sick and needs help. I said your right, and I was sorry and hung up. Wife went rockets glaring bombs bursting nuts!!!!!!! I called her friend that was close at work to her. She came over and calmed her down she was hysterical.

Next day she talked a smidge about it saying how they loved each other blah blah, said it was only 2 weeks???

 

Later on I learned my wife betrayed her friend and I became good friends with her and her husband. I heard stories that emails were nasty both ways. I never called his wife back to tell her I mean whats the point he lived 7 states away. Nope didn't want to hurt his wife.

 

So I also got afraid for having friends I got paranoid of making anymore. It's a mind set to me now. I know I should not feel this way and she was just as wrong. But I always go back to if I did not have my affair It would have been a lot better. Then her last affair I confronted the guy he never looked in my eyes or responded I told him if I found out he did or was having an affair with her I would break his jaw, never looked this went on for almost 15 mins. I dished out everything I would do to him... I was told he stopped but the wife denied anything. I got the feeling she was The movie She Devil. I honestly started to feel set up, Yes meant no , no meant yes. At times I thought I was going nuts.. SO I know her hormones are kicking in. Last six years like clock work. Foreclosure was the tipping point.

 

Man way too long sorry.

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roger136913

Ronald

 

I have one Pic of Us with our 12 year old Son. It was taken 18 months after our affairs. She was happy, times were good, marriage was good.

 

I gave her all the photos, and the ones before we met. I adopted her Son when he was 5 her x owed support he agreed in return of not paying what he owed it was a trade ( man what a deal he was a jerk doing that) went to courthouse paid 500.00 and a Lawyer 300.00 8 months later I was a Dad. I knew him since he was 18 months old, Met the wife on her Birthday she was stood up and I was stood up.

 

Anyhow I have pics on puter she don't only the film ones.

 

Yea having weird feelings is driving me nutts lol... The happy the day, the constant thinking. Just don't have the heart to delete them. I have hope, and right now it's all I have besides Pride.

 

I gave myself 4-6 months with no NC. If I hear nothing I am leaving. I don't have much I let her take most stuff.

 

How Long married Ronald?

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eastmeetswest

My partner of 6 years rented a u-haul, took everything he owned and the most precious gifts he gave me too...and left back to the USA. I was at a conference out of town for the week. I was happy, things were fine to me. Sure we had the usual male/female wiring tiffs but nothing. I knew what long term relationships entail..I had been in one for 17 years..the longest for him 3 years tops. He left his ex-wife the same way apparently.

 

I was dumbfounded and am still in shock. It is a death a sudden car crash where your beloved is killed only worse it feels. We were building his dream business..I had invested $250, 000 for the unique building. It was his pride and joy, his passion...He was excited about finishing the building and starting. It was a co-creative major project that was going on 4 years. We had major immigration issues and made it through. He finally got his permanent residence in Canada and was able to keep his job from the USA online. Life was perfect. To make a long story short. Everything was fine..we were affectionate, going about daily life. Sure we were in a bit of a romantic rut-financial, stress, job stress and building construction fatigue but we had a foundation so I thought?

 

So 1 month ago I came home to a 1/2 empty home. We had planned a wedding, I bought wedding clothes overseas for us.

 

I am devastated beyond comprehension. It makes no sense . I know for sure there is no other woman. I have had a month of contact and rehashing everything, defending myself. To him, I had no right to be angry as it was all my fault he said. He laid all of my issues out that led to his unhappiness, etc...and I was blown away. He did not communicate anything about how unhappy he was. Maybe a slight hint here and there, but nothing unusual in a coupledom with the daily grind of running a household, jobs etc...

 

I am having major issues with anxiety, grief and utter, utter confusion. I was left on a huge property, no help, construction of a building (he was in charge of), and financial stress. I just cannot believe it. He slammed my cousin's partner who happen to do this exact disappearing act a few months ago calling him a coward, immature etc. I am absolutely broken. He said he wanted to come back last week, then changed his mind...sending me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I have just started the whole NC thing. Anyways...I am still just wanting him back...I invested so much. He is so angry and in pain.

 

I have analyzed it to death and have told him if he did return he'd have to go straight into counselling. I am a mess. He was my everything..we had such amazing plans for our future. I was blindsided. That's my story briefly. Just an added piece, my partner is mildly asperger's and I think this played a HUGE roll in his coping strategy. thanks for reading. I have cut him off facebook, skype and asked him to leave me alone. I have said some angry things, some name calling and I feel bad about this. I believe in compassion, forgiveness and the ability to have a reconciliation. I do believe this could lead to growth as a couple...but it just seems so far away. I can't imagine my life without him. It's like a bad nightmare I hope to wake up from. I want to reconcile, and it sounds like from the posts on here that if he wants to come back he will let me know, so I need to just be in NC mode. My issue is he is not wired the same as others...he implements out of site, out of mind quite effectively. This hurts beyond comprehension.

Edited by eastmeetswest
typos
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Dear EastmeetsWest, I am so very sorry for what you are going through.

 

You should start a thread with your story here so you can get the support you will need the coming months.

 

I understand your hurt and confusion but do you really think you can ever forgive him for this treatment? It sounds very extreme what he has done. I mean, which normal person does something like that?? I think you'd have a hard time ever trusting him again. If he is capable of this then what else is he capable of?

 

I hope you have a good support system (family/friends??).

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