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Coping without my lover is one pain...but coping without my best friend feels worse?


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I've posted this story on a number of occasions on LS, so let's kick off with the TL;DR version:

 

Fiancée & 1st love of 7 years left me to experience new relationships and rediscover her identity. Family disowned me for pursuing her & 2 years ago I was jobless + homeless as a result. She's 23 & I'm 24. She felt we were too co-dependant...But has also left with new guy 3 weeks post BU.

 

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I get that my romantic relationship is gone. I'm trying my very best to keep away from falling in to a false hope trap (think: over reliance on GIGS, reading too many idealistic reconciliation stories) which is itself hard enough but what really gets me is that it's not just my lover, future wife or potential mother of my children that's gone...she was truly my very best friend.

 

I have something of a problem opening up to people (it's not too bad to do online!) and I have some serious confidence issues with my family. My parents in particular have a history of being able to put me down & sap my self-confidence. I always found my fiancée was able to help me reinvigorate my self-confidence and give me the backbone to not be knocked down by them.

 

Now I find myself with nobody to turn to. I have friends, sure...but nobody so intimately close that they really get me and my challenges. This is partly a function of my dependancy on my fiancée to fill the friendship gap I was reluctant to build outside of the relationship. I find myself missing her companionship at this point in time more than I'm missing the prospect of losing her as my lover. I'm sure this is some function of co-dependancy but it doesn't really do much to soften the blow.

 

 

 

So beyond trying to cope with getting over the loss of my love, how do you get through the loss of your FRIEND? Are the two elements of a relationship seperable once combined?

Edited by Jiivy
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smileforelena

You know I get what you are saying. I am a pretty close up person. I don't easily trust people and I'm a private person. Ex came in my life after I got divorced. He was generous with his time and attention and (i used to think) he was always there for me. the intimate friendship that developed between us became a huge part of my life because it felt like he was the only one who was there. when he dumped me a year after I did not know what to do with myself. I didn't know what to do with my time, what activities to engage in, I was lost. It took a while for me to out of being lost.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Basically what Im saying is I don't think it is relevant right now if the two relationship - friendship and lover - are separable or not. Unfortunately, we lost both when the person left. But you can let this push yourself to be different from how you have always known yourself. When these things happen it pushes us to be out of our comfort zone. What do we have to lose if we try to do differently.

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learning_slowly

Yes, do anything you can to get a job, even if it's volunteer work to give you some confidence and putting you in situations where you can make friends.

 

Then next time with more friends, you hopefully will not be so dependent on your partner. Good luck.

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VeronicaRoss

What about the idea of leaving where you live to get away from your family as much as you can? Sounds like they're the real relationship problem! A family that chips away at your confidence is toxic, you need to stay away from that and do things that make you really proud of yourself.

 

But not just leave, go toward something where you are surrounded by other like minded people working on some passionate cause. This time of life is about gaining experiences professionally and personally so why not really go for it since you have no obligations to anyone but yourself? What a great time of your life!

 

I wouldn't advise just leaving for some city where you'd be even more isolated than you are now, you'd want to join a group and immerse yourself. I think this is why many people join the military, but that's literally a dangerous option. Peace Corps or GreenPeace of Amnesty International or a political campaign for instance where the money sucks but the involvement is high.

 

You're still really young, so much experimentation available to you.

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VeronicaRoss

Ugh, I didn't answer your question.

 

For almost all of us our lover IS our best friend. You want the two entwined and don't ever be afraid to depend on someone because that is the essence of what makes life worth living. You just need a life where there are also other friends and other things that you do that provide great joy.

 

Losing people is inevitable through their leaving our lives or their dying. The rest of your life will help support you through those losses. Learning how to grieve and accept loss is part of gain and life is a critical life skill. In your 30s you'll see the land of zombies as people come out of their first big relationships and refuse to accept the loss and blame the other person or all men or all women for their pain and cling to the pain of loss as if it's a protection against further loss. That's ridiculous, it shuts you down from truly loving again.

 

Love, love, love. Lose, lose, lose. That is life and we're here to love. And lose. Might as well embrace it and realize it's not personal.

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learning_slowly

Yes, risk and risk again. Otherwise get in a hole and give up. Only you can really make you happy, by seeing the beauty in others and them reciprocating.

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The solution lies not in other people--it lies within you. You are obviously co-dependent and need other people to validate, revigorate and hold you up. The best thing you could do for yourself is to get help overcoming your co-dependency and learn to be emotionally independent.

 

I understand that it may sound completely unnatural to you, but friendships and relationships should enhance your life not be the foundation for your self-worth. I was co-dependent for much of my life. I depended on the encouragement and approval of my husband and family to define me and bring me joy. After going through my mother's death, a divorce, and becoming estranged from my brother with whom I had been very close, I found myself unable to cope with the reality of being so alone.

 

I didn't know how to make myself happy. I had always done whatever it took to make those around me happy and defined my self-worth by that accomplishment. I was incredibly needy. Approval of others was a necessity and I couldn't make a simple decision on my own.

 

With the help of a terrific therapist and a lot of introspection, I finally discovered that I could feel happiness & satisfaction within myself without the need for validation. Now, years later, I enjoy my autonomy and yet my interpersonal relationships are in many ways closer than I ever knew possible.

 

Being emotionally dependent on others is risky and not healthy.While your exgf's friendship may have been a life raft and you feel that you will drown without it, what you really need is to learn to build your own boat.

 

Look into finding a therapist who deals with codependency. In the meantime, research what co-dependency so that you have a true understanding of what it is. It will take time to begin to really understand and to see things differently, but when you do, you'll be happy that you put forth the effort.

 

Good luck to you.

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learning_slowly

You can make yourself happy, but at some stage you have to open yourself up to the possibility of pain if you really want to love somebody. Codepency is an extreme version of this, but if you don't rely on others, it's a lonely existence.

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the funny thing is that I never felt that my partner gave me any direct validation. I'm ashamed to admit that whilst living together, there was one evening I couldn't bear to go home to her for this specific reason - I worked all day, left my family behind and took up so much responsibilty to carry us...yet I knew when I walked in the door she'd never appreciate it the way I really thought she should have.

 

I ended up walking around town for a couple hours before I plucked up the courage to go home to her...this was a huge red flag that I supressed.

 

I definitely agree that there was too much invested in there to be always healthy. I also don't think that this problem was the relationship breaker she might have wanted it to be - we could have worked on that.

 

Thank you for all the words on this post. Sometimes it's SO easy to second guess myself about her. You're right though...there's got to be some element of connectedness between your friendship and your relationship with your lover. I guess that's one of the big reasons it's a bad idea to be friends with your ex!

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