Update: 3 years after break up. We got back together and then I broke up with him.

[solobeary]

Disclaimer: I'm sorry if this sounds like me just bagging him, or acting like I'm perfect. He has many good traits, and I have much to learn about good relationships. I can honestly say though that I know deep down that I never would have treated him the way he treated me (blaming me for his dissatisfaction with other aspects of his life, cheating, dumping me via skype, stringing me along to boost his self esteem (I only instigated emailing him once post-break up, he instigated the emailing many times). Which is why I have written this, since I know a lot of dumpees here at loveshack have a story similar to mine: dumped in a really hurtful way which f-ed them up a bit, strung along by the ex, wondering "what if".

 

The story:

 

The relationship: Met when I was 20, he was 21. We were together for 4 years. In love after a few months, moved in together after 6 months. We were just instantly really comfortable around each other and were best friends. First serious relationship for both of us. It wasn't perfect, but it was very good most of the time. A few times though he did things to really hurt me on a scale that I never did to him (the worst was that he flirted with an ex-girlfriend on facebook for a month or so and met up with her once behind my back. Nothing happened and I beleived him and he told me soon afterwards.).

 

The break-up: After he graduated from university he became quite unhappy, and hated his job. He became mopey, negative and blamed me for much of his unhappiness. I knew we were in a slump but wanted it to work and thought it could. He then booked a 2 month long hiking holiday. I asked him (many times) if that was his way of breaking up with me. He said "no, I've just always wanted to do this and I have the time to now, and I know it's something that you don't want to do so I'll do it now while you're busy still studying". He left for the trip, and we emailed/skyped every day, he told me he loved me, looked forward to our future, etc. About a month into the trip he called me on skype, told me he kissed another girl, and broke up with me. Classic "Grass is always greener" dumper".

 

Post break-up: He wanted to "stay friends". I tried that for all of about a week before I realised (thanks to loveshack's help) that I needed to go no contact. For the first year he'd email me once every couple of months, saying things along the lines "I'm sorry for what I did. I don't want to get back together, I need to grow as a person, but maybe one day" (never that explicit, but that was the gist. I could never resist replying with a curt "thank you. good luck.". In April, 2012, we emailed to finalise some financial stuff. After it was sorted I sent an email thanking him for the good times and telling him not to contact me. His reply included these lines:

 

"I will just say that I would possibly like the chance to see you in September, if you were willing and I felt I had continued to make a positive effort for change... If you don't want to I totally understand, I promise not to contact you again until then, as I respect your wishes, just the thought of never talking to you again messes me up like you wouldn't believe."

 

I replied and said no contact before but yes contact me in September if you want to. (I know I know I'm a ****ing idiot).

 

 

My life post-break-up: Took a really long time to get over the break up. It took about 6 months to be able to sleep properly, not wake up every morning with a huge sinking feeling in my stomach, not cry about it regularly. I finished my graduate degree (he broke up with me in the middle of it). A few of my friendships got a lot closer after the break-up, it gave me an appreciation for my friends and I realised I'd neglected my friendships. I dated a couple of times but just didn't feel anything. 1.5 years after the break up I got into a 4 month relationship with a guy that I got on great with. He told me he loved me, I told him that while I thought he was a great guy I wasn't in love with him, and that I really felt like I needed to be alone for a while more, and we broke up. I went travelling around the world by myself for 9 months.

 

His life post-break-up: He moved 1000ks away to a small town where life is pretty tough (lots of crime, no services) almost immediately after the break up for a job. Four months after the break up, him and a housemate hooked up. They got into a relationship and continued to live together for over a year, until Mr eX broke up with her in September. They were friends with benefits until June, 2013. Some of the angsty emails he sent me were from when he was together with her.

 

The "getting back together":

In January, 2013, I finished graduate school. I sent Mr eX an email (stupid, I know) thanking him for supporting me through my undergrad, since I always cared a lot more about studying and worked a lot harder at school than he did and have now ended up with a more prestigious/better paying job, and when we moved in together he was almost always was supportive and did more housework etc. for me. I also said I was going travelling overseas for an extended time. He replied saying he'd like to meet for coffee. We met, and he told me he still had feelings for me (convenient, I know, when he can't actually be with me) and that he'd like to meet me overseas. We met up twice, for 1.5 weeks each time, in the months I was travelling. He told me that he wanted to get back together with me when we got back home. I told him maybe.

 

I got home in October. He emailed me the day I got back (he knew because he'd seen my plane ticket when we'd met overseas a few months before) and said he'd like to get back together. I told him I'd accepted a job on the other side of the country, but if he was willing to move there I'd give it a shot. He agreed, but had to finish up work for the year. In January, 2014, he moved to be with me.

 

The Relationship 2.0

 

It was just like it was before, but not as good. I didn't trust him as much. And I could see that the traits that greatly contributed to the first break up were there:

-poor sense of self, relies on others and is easily influenced by them

-negative and complains a lot

-not good at savouring the little things that make relationships (and life) special. Also not good at looking at the big picture. Just wanted to plod along day by day.

-arrogant but can't walk the walk

-runs away from his problems

 

I didn't respect him as much:

-He'd gotten into a rebound relationship within four months of us breaking up and hadn't treated her very well from what he said (classic rebound: comparing her to me, emailing me while they were together, moving too fast too soon then suddenly breaking up with her). Also, she'd cheated on her long-term boyfriend that Mr eX knew about when they got together, and I have no respect for "home-wreckers" which is what he was (he'd always said he didn't either, but couldn't walk the walk apparently).

-He drinks more now.

-He'd changed a lot. He never had a huge strength of self, and seeing how much he'd changed made it really hit home how much he changes because of people around him rather than because of what he thinks is right/what he wants.

-He claimed when he broke up with me that he needed "time to grow up". He really hadn't achieved much though. He'd always complained when we were together that he wanted to travel more, do more hiking, have his own garden. He hadn't achieved any of that even though he'd had the opportunities to. In fact, he'd let himself get really unfit so he couldn't do the serious hiking he used to love anymore.

 

I'd spent 2.5 ****ing years trying to get over him and trying to convince myself that he wasn't right for me and thinking about what I really wanted from a relationship. Being with him again, I realised that he really wasn't good for me or what I wanted.

 

I could feel my self-esteem slipping away again when I was around him little by little, thoughtless things he said and did without as many compensating warm and kind things. I found myself feeling sad, angry, needy, worried and jealous a lot of the time. I never use to be like that. If I hadn't have had the somewhat-serious relationship with the other guy post-break up I would have thought that I'd become a crazy f-ed up girlfriend and that it was all me. But I knew it wasn't that, it was that Mr eX was pushing my buttons and triggers (many of which he had created himself in me by the way he'd treated me) and raising red flags. I never felt like that with the other guy. We just weren't a good match, our personalities didn't fit right. But I trusted him and respected him.

 

Conclusion

 

I broke up with him.

 

I feel sad and lonely. I'm still mourning the loss of my first love, and we did have many good times. But I also feel relieved. I have learnt so much about love and what I want and what to avoid. It's over with him. For good. I will move on and be a stronger, better person and try to always treat myself and others with respect and kindness. If I find a stable, happy, trusting relationship one day I will treasure it.

 

I should have given up on him and moved on after the relationship. The traumatic break up happened for a reason: it was an unstable relationship. I did not need to get back together with him and for it to end again for this feeling of getting-close-to-being-over-it/"closure"/"moving on". I believe that I would have got there if I went no contact and stayed that way for long enough to gain some real perspective. Probably would have gotten there much sooner.

Edited April 18, 2014 by solobeary

[Jiivy]

It sounds like in the years you had apart, you genuinely learned what you wanted from a relationship and took some objective perspective on your ex...

 

when you got back together, you realised that he didn't fit what you wanted and that he hadn't changed. Deep down, I have a terrible feeling that this is EXACTLY what will happen to my ex (maybe she wasn't the right one for me). I still have this feeling deep in my gut that some time in the future she's going to try and walk back in to my life...and she's going to be as destructive as now.

 

I cannot pretend to understand how painful it is to get someone back only to find they're not the person you love now...but if anything, it's a really positive point that you've made this decision.

 

This should be closure.

Edited April 18, 2014 by Jiivy
spelling

[solobeary]

Thanks for your reply Jiivy. You're probably right about your ex coming back, it seems like you've thought that through and some gut feelings happen for very good reasons. Best of luck with not letting it set your progress back.

[purplehues]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I know it's a cliche, but we really do have to fall in love with ourselves first. And then love ourselves enough to recognize when something (someone) becomes detrimental to self-growth and ultimately our well being. It's hard to do at first, but we learn over time…and, as this community points out, become stronger because of these experiences. My ex waltzed back into my life 3 months after she dumped me, declared she made a mistake and wants me back ,and then disappeared again 3 days later. I'm so grateful I didn't fall for her self-centered, addict bull**** this go-around. Talk is cheap.

To sum it up, when it comes to love, it's a bunch of "things we're all too young to know".

But you keep trucking along. Love is real--as are happy, healthy, relationships.

[learning_slowly]

I have to say thanks.

 

My relationship was a dysfunctional one. I'm not saying we didn't love one another, but there were problems and if we had committed to the relationship, there was a high chance it would have ended further on, because of the obstacles we would have had to overcome.

 

Your story has shown me I probably made the right choice in dumping, even though I feel the pain now.

 

I know mine is getting better and I hope yours will too