Guilt

[roger136913]

Ever since I cheated on my wife I have had guilt. 18 years later my wife left me and the guilt is worse. I tried to forgive myself the other day. Saying I tried to show her the love I have and that I am a decent person who made a mistake. The past two mornings the guilt is even worse.

 

Besides the normal feelings of divorcing the guilt keeps piling on to no end..

 

 

Anyone have this? anyone get passed it? How???

[Haynes]

I'm sorry to hear about the break down of your marriage

 

Cheating is inexcusable and everyone knows it. However, you're only human and a ridiculous amount of people have cheated on someone in one way or another. Does this mean that everyone who has cheated on someone is a bad person? Should you feel guilty and miserable forever? Of course not.

 

The only bad people are the ones who continue to cheat throughout their lives without feeling any sort of remorse for their actions. These people don't care who they hurt and they usually have no desire to change.

 

I don't know how many times you've cheated throughout your life, but dwelling on it will not solve your problem, I know that much.

 

Learn from the experience and move forward. Let the guilty feelings go and aim to be a better person for yourself and for those closest to you! Beating yourself up over it isn't going to get you very far.

Edited April 17, 2014 by Haynes
minor correction to choice of words.

[lil hoodlum]

Accept that you are a human being who is not perfect.

 

Accept that cheating was a huge error on your part.

 

Make a vow to yourself to never cheat on a significant other ever again. You learned from your mistake the hard way.

 

You move forward with your life, should another opportunity arise to cheat, don't do it.

 

Simple as that.

[roger136913]

We lived together for 28 years and married 24.

 

I cheated once, and made a promise the day we both stayed and I never cheated again. Though my wife cheated 3 times, I know my guilt is if I changed what I did all the rest would not of happened..

But for 18 years it never left, but it's heavier it day.

[lil hoodlum]

 

 

You don't know that as fact. Sadly people do change and make some poor choices that will have some negative impacts on relationships.

 

Sounds like you are trying to shoulder all of the blame for the break-down of your marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage/ relationship work.

 

I think you are playing the "what if...." or "only if...." game.

[The dot]

The relationship should have ended the first time anyone cheated. I'm sorry, but that's how it should have gone down. It would have saved you both a lot of grief.

 

Monogamy happens when two people are so connected that they simply have no desire to cheat because they are so content with their SO. Clearly, that didn't happen in this case, as both of you cheated. BTW, don't be so sure that the three times you found out about were the only times she cheated -- especially after you cheated, she probably figured that "if he can do it, so can I".

 

As far as getting over it goes, the only thing you can do is realise that it was a relationship that was ultimately doomed from the first cheating incident. Now you're free to get on with your life and look for someone with whom you truly have a connection. This will take time, it might take therapy, but the lesson is to accept reality in future.

[Allumere]

I do not agree with Dot but that is based on my experiences and conversations.

 

I am sorry you are carrying this weight. Guilt is an awful burden but I think it is suppose to be. See everyone feels guilty about something... "I feel so guilty I didn't blah, blah, blah." Most time it is over something minor so it doesn't niggle at us enough to take any action. But when it is something serious, it is a lead weight of sorrow and fear. I believe its that way to push us to take action. Guilt is a useless emotion unless is prompts us to take action. So let me ask, what have you done? Asked your wife for forgiveness? Believed her? Forgiven yourself and trusted yourself? Lived a life that defines the real you, verses listening to the dark whispers hinting that a single mistake defines who you are and that you should be branded? I just read this the other day. It is a story about forgiveness. I think if the individuals in this article are able to move on (or work at it) you should be able to look in the mirror and accept you are a flawed human that has made mistakes but learned from them an ultimately will be a better man.

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/04/06/magazine/06-pieter-hugo-rwanda-portraits.html?smid=fb-share&WT.z_sma=MG_POR_20140404&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1388552400000&bicmet=1420088400000&_r=4

[The dot]

I am sorry you are carrying this weight. Guilt is an awful burden but I think it is suppose to be. See everyone feels guilty about something... "I feel so guilty I didn't blah, blah, blah." Most time it is over something minor so it doesn't niggle at us enough to take any action. But when it is something serious, it is a lead weight of sorrow and fear. I believe its that way to push us to take action. Guilt is a useless emotion unless is prompts us to take action. So let me ask, what have you done? Asked your wife for forgiveness? Believed her? Forgiven yourself and trusted yourself? Lived a life that defines the real you, verses listening to the dark whispers hinting that a single mistake defines who you are and that you should be branded? I just read this the other day. It is a story about forgiveness.

 

I think you might have missed the part of his post where he said his wife cheated on him three times (that he knows about). Somehow I don't think all the guilt or blame should lie with the OP here. It sounds to me as though the relationship itself was simply flawed, and trying to save it would be like trying to save a lung cancer patient who refuses to quit smoking.

 

If he should feel guilty for anything, it's putting himself and his wife through an additional 18 years in a flawed relationship -- time they could have both spent with other people who they would not have felt the need to cheat on.

[Allumere]

I read it Dot and I agree with you that he shouldn't shoulder the blame or be additional burdened by the choices she made. I took your statement as a broad stroke of the brush verses a focus the OP's situation.

[The dot]

I read it Dot and I agree with you that he shouldn't shoulder the blame or be additional burdened by the choices she made. I took your statement as a broad stroke of the brush verses a focus the OP's situation.

 

In this case I think the broad stroke applies. They both made the same choice. Doesn't that tell you something?

[roger136913]

Dot

 

I had my affair in 1996, when I stopped my affair 2 months later I learned she was having one with my brother.

 

I tried to put all the cards on the table then...

 

In 2007 dec she had a hysto, 5 months later she had an on line affair with our friend, then dec 2011 she had an affair with a guy at work.

 

I stayed and wanted to work things out each time we were good for a month then she went and locked me out again...

 

I had the one affair, can't tell you why I have searched for 18 years...I had the perfect wife and turned her into a cheating magnet... I just think the hormones are the issues and she won't tell the doctor..

 

I can't find a way to rid the guilt...

[Allumere]

Dot

 

I had my affair in 1996, when I stopped my affair 2 months later I learned she was having one with my brother.

 

I tried to put all the cards on the table then...

 

In 2007 dec she had a hysto, 5 months later she had an on line affair with our friend, then dec 2011 she had an affair with a guy at work.

 

I stayed and wanted to work things out each time we were good for a month then she went and locked me out again...

 

I had the one affair, can't tell you why I have searched for 18 years...I had the perfect wife and turned her into a cheating magnet... I just think the hormones are the issues and she won't tell the doctor..

 

I can't find a way to rid the guilt...

 

If you don't mind my asking, do you understand why you cheated? And then I must ask based on what Dot has written, why did you stay? You both made a mistake but the she continued. What was her reasoning? Let me be clear, unless you held a gun to her head you DID NOT make her cheat.

[roger136913]

Allumere

 

No I don't know why I cheated... I can make assumptions only..

Seven years into our marriage I was working on average 70 hours a week, sometime I worked 5 doubles during the week and either doubles on the weekend or 12 hour shifts, but never fewer then 70 hours. My pay was not great and the overtime helped..

 

I started a relationship on line then met the person... Sexual the lady and I had it twice in 6 months then I ended the affair....

I don't know why I had the affair, my wife never denied me sex and she was perfect and I think this is why I have the guilt.. I can only assume two reasons.

 

1) I talked to her about having a baby she did not want one I did. It hurt but I shrugged it off.

 

2) I felt she was not as aggressive when ladies looked at me. IN the past she always got mad if a lady looked at me. I thought in a way that's cool, no one ever was jealous of me n my life.. So I liked that attention, and before my affair that went away.

 

So those are assumptions, I am 99.9% sure those were not the reasons I cheated..

 

We spoke last night and it will be the last as I have a habit of contacting her.

 

We spoke shortly and now it went from be not loving her, to her believeing she loves me, she still hates when I say she is beautiful...

 

When I went to say goodbye I heard her choke up and she started to say it and I jumped in saying you can't say it cause you still love me.... She got real mad saying I can't control her thoughts anymore.. I said after the email about divorcing at the end she said a small part still loves me. I told her she said it not me, I am not using it as a weapon just want a foothold. Told her I wont text, email or call she said I won't do it and I promised her like I did after I cheated and I never cheated or entertained the thought again.

 

Her other problem was my spending 2 bankruptcies.

 

The first one was my fault for getting in over my head, but at the same time I became disabled, I just had my second back operation and workers comp was not paying me so I fell behind..

 

For over 1.5 years I w[as denied ssdi, 5 denials then I had a hearing before a SSDI federal judge, even after 12 doc reports they said I need another operation and spinal fusion, Took the Judge 6 months to award me SSDI...

We bought the condo, high interest rate so with taxes, condo fee and insurance + morg we were spending 68% of our income after bill;s we had nothing but she wanted the vacations and such she knew where the money was coming from, but it's still my fault she says.. The morg was thrown into the bankruptcie we never knew but its a law.

 

So last april I told her we can't keep the condo I was tired of living month to month and it's pay this bill or that one.. I chose foreclosure I had my back to the wall, we had a non FHA loan with an 8.8$ interest rate it was underwater as the market fell though we owed $158,000 and the value of the condo fell to $94,000 no one would give us a loan I even emailed the white house I was desperate... I was told to go to the hamp program, since I- am non fha no help is out there...So she moved out and I gave her 90% of everything so she would not struggle I stayed no refridgerator or plates or anything.. then I moved out and live 1/4 from her work which is dangerous as it's too close.\

 

I am sub=letting a section 8 apartment cause it's this or the streets.. I called sec 8 about help they would not help and said we have a shelter you can use... Food stamps I can get it's $15.00 a month not worth it and I am disabled.. So even in the call last night to the wife everything is my fault cause she never says it was hers.,.. I understand she is hurting, confused plus I know her horemones are there or not as the reason change each time we talked..

 

I have a better understand why she is like this..

But as I told her I can't do it all by myself. I can give her what she wants I have wants also, I need the attention not 24-7 but one day a week, I need to be trusted I made a promise 18 years ago never to have an affair again and I kept that promise... So I can changer, but we both need to and communicate better and I won't setting for less.

 

Sorry this is long winded.

[Allumere]

No worry on long winded..

 

Although it is long past, I think it is important to understand why the affair happened. That clarity may help provide some closure for you. It isn't about finding excuses (and I don't think you are looking for one) but through understanding it actually allows you to own it, accept it and learn from it verses it being the rock you are dragging around you hope no one sees.

 

Financial problems are a huge reason why couples have trouble so your story isn't unique. Hell even the wealthy fight and divorce over spending habits etc. Now I am only getting your side of the story BUT it sounds as if she demanded a certain lifestyle and blames you for not being able to provide it. If that was the case then that guilt should be quickly shelved. That isn't about you, that is about her. For your part, all you need to do is admit you made mistakes with money as did she. You could not have predicted that your physical health would be impacted, that unfortunately made things a greater challenge. As I said before, this guilt that is crushing you is that inner voice saying I need simply to take action.

[roger136913]

Well, we wanted Vacations and knew where the money was coming from.... I thought 1 Vacation was fine..

 

1 year we went to Aruba and then the beach for a week, the beach for a long weekend and she went to her Mothers...

 

She says she works hard and deserves a vacation and I agree 100%, but told her we can't do this all the time.. she said why I said we don't have the money..

 

I love spending money also and I learned her two last affairs I spent more maybe it was my way of coping?

 

I still don't know I have the guilt, I dig and dig and can't find it...I just know it's haunted me for about 18 years..

[RonaldS]

Monogamy happens when two people are so connected that they simply have no desire to cheat because they are so content with their SO.

 

There are a hundred reasons that monogamy happens that really don't have anything to do with satisfaction with a SO, or really even love. Dependency, insecurity, fear of failure, fear of being alone, financial reasons, pressure from family, church and society, raising kids, etc.

 

I know tons of couples who have been successfully monogamous for 10, 20, 40 years and so on. Most of them essentially hate each other. But they're pretty much stuck together.

 

Let's not paint monogamy as some sort of fairy tale, please.

 

But, I agree that once the infidelity occurred, it was time for both parties to move on.

[smileforelena]

Im sorry Roger that you have been carrying around that guilt for so long. Anything that we have to carry around makes life more complicated than it already is without the extra baggage. Please do not take this the wrong way but the fact that the guilt didn't go away after you asked for forgiveness may have been one of the major contributing factor why the relationship didn't work. Im just saying that you not forgiving yourself and she haven't totally forgiven you plus she most likely feel guilty for her own infidelities the relationship just couldn't take any more. And this does not even include the financial issues you mentioned. From the time the two of you decided to live with the first infidelity instead of letting it go it basically had a stronghold on everything in your relationship. Your everyday interactions, the decisions you made, the way you see each other, etc.

Even now that you are out of the marriage you are still carrying it around. Although you were in a marriage, a spouse can still do what they want without being influenced by the other. She chose to cheat on you. If its for revenge or whatever her motives were are not really relevant at this point. You have to realize that you did not make her into something she did not choose to be. Even if lets say you forced her, if its not her she would not have been able to live with herself.

 

 

Let it all go. There is no reason to hold on to the guilt. Like one of the poster's said this is all in the past. Learn from it and move on. Simpler said than done but it has to be done.

[roger136913]

I would be happy to get the Monkey off my back, but nothing works. I keep saying I will wake up and finally guilt free, nothing.

 

I went to therapy years ago and we could never find the reason (s)

 

Not sure if my guilt is I ruined our marriage due to my cheating or Hurting her the day I lied.. Maybe both.