Shaky Encounter

[freebird25]

I am 24 years old and just got out of a four year relationship with a 46 year old man. I met this guy in college when I was a fresh faced 20 year old. It was infatuation at first sight. Because of our age difference, I did not see that much of a future with this guy but I had fun with him in the mean time. I dated this man on and off for the first two years because I did not want to be tied down at such a young age. During this period, this man, my ex, stuck around because by then he had already fallen in love with me. I always initiated our breakups, but wouldn't last for more than a few days because I became so used to him being around.

 

The critical and unflattering piece here is that from the first day that I met him , he was involved in an unhappy marriage...hence the reason why I always initiated the break-ups because I knew the situation was not right. During the third year of our "relationship" , my ex separated from his wife and moved to a house closer to where I lived (near the university). Once the move had taken place, I moved in with him (while still keeping my own place "just in case"). At this point, my ex was no longer expecting me or wanting me to go out on dates with other men because he was now in a position where we could really be together. As flattered as I was by his desire to want to be with me, my heart was never really into it.

 

While he was spending all his time and resources treating me like a queen, my foot was always one foot out the door. The last two years of our relationship was riddled with my infidelities with other men. Whenever he found out about these other men, he would be completely heartbroken oftentimes with uncontrollable tears. Despite all of my shortcomings, he would never want to break up with me because he believed that eventually I would come around. Fast forward now to these past few months. At this point, our relationship was very rocky due to the fact that I had a hard time saying we were a solid couple and I was still communicating with guy friends that made my ex uncomfortable. Deep down, I knew our relationship was not going to last but I stayed because I became very comfortable with my ex and our routine lifestyle.

 

My ex knew that my heart was not really committed to him in the long term but did not take action in breaking up because he believed that I would come to my senses and want to make our relationship work. In December 2013, I just got out of an emotional affair with a man I worked with. My ex knew about the whole thing and the EA in turn did not end well. My ex was so hurt that I was sharing my feelings with another man but yet again insisted that he would give me a chance to try to work on our relationship. Throughout this turbulent time, we were rarely physically intimate because I was so upset about my emotional affair blowout. Around this time (in December/January) when my ex and I were trying to figure out our relationship, he started mentioning the name of a female that he worked with. At first he said that she made him feel uncomfortable because he thought she liked him , but then a few weeks later when I asked about her, he said that he gave her his phone number because he felt that they can be friends.

 

I was upset when he told me this because even though we were on rocky terrain, we were still together. He made a point to leave his cell phone around to let me know that he was not doing anything with her. He even gave me his email passwords just in case I thought he was emailing her. He in fact wanted me to come to a work function with him so that I could meet her and see for myself that their friendship was harmless. On top of that, he said that I would probably like her because she had similar style to me (she is also my same race) I was not swayed. Two months ago, the day before his birthday, I broke up with him. His "friends" name had come up frequently and I had too much pride to be around for any potential infidelity (on his part). He claims that they were just friends and promised on his kids but I did not want to stick around for that.

 

Once I left (boxes packed and everything…really final this time). I found out that a day later (on his birthday) this work "friend" he was talking about had taken him to dinner and had purchased him a birthday gift. They had been inseparable for the rest of that week..even sleeping together on the third or fourth day after we broke up. Even though I broke up with him, I was livid. If he really loved me, wouldn't he have waited at least two weeks before he moved onto someone new? As far as I know, they are still together, based on what our mutual friends have observed. It is accurate to say that I never was in love with him, but I cared for him. I am in a spot where I am grieving our relationship but want to move on. I am not dating anyone seriously but maybe I should so that I can get over missing him. This all doesn't make sense to me because even though I broke up with him, I am mad with how quickly he moved on and to a woman who looks similar to me (yet she is 37 years old).

 

I feel like if it were any other woman, I would be fine but it had to be her. I just feel like I was easily replaced and that is not a good feeling. Deep down, I really want to wish him well but for now I am unable to. I know that it is best for me to focus on myself now that I am no longer in a relationship, but my mind keeps going back to my previous relationship and how it all ended. A week after our breakup, I talked to my ex about why he jumped into a relationship so soon after me. He had such an angry response that I have never seen from him before. He was crying and saying that I was bad for him because I did not know what I wanted but continued to use him for the sake of being comfortable. he also mentioned that there were times where he considered suicide because I kept hurting him…the fact that he has kids is what saved him.

 

So now, as I look back on that moment, I am also dealing with feelings of extreme guilt and sorrow for this man. The mourning has hit me hard and each day I am living with that.

 

UPDATE: I was at the coffee shop today, and bumped into my ex and his dog (and is older son) right when I stepped foot outside. His son left for a brief moment to get some coffee, and there I stood face to face with this man who has loved me for four years. I initially went to pet the dog because she was so excited to see me. As I was doing this, I asked my ex how he was doing. He said that he was doing well. There was silence after his response and we just sat there for a minute just looking into each others faces…taking each other in. He finally asked how I was doing and I responded that I was working through school and trying to get things done. Once I finished my piece, there seemed to be a shaky energy between us (I was trembling on the inside..believe me) and he quickly responded that he couldn't do this. talking to me. He said that I worked him and that the events of our relationships (i.e. men that I was friends with) still stung him. He said that he lost his trust for me and that he didn't think it was a good idea to be talking to me because he is at a good place with the woman he has been seeing (refer to my original post) and that he does not want to risk going back to square one with me, because that would destroy what they have. Given that I am still mourning him, I remember just wanting to be next to him, it's like I did not want to leave which kind of confuses me as I write this. I told him that I was sorry that I hurt him and that I am in a better place. He expressed that what drove him away was my unfaithfulness and that he never fell out of love with me but that I was not seeming to come around in terms of our relationship, so he had no choice but to get to know the woman he is with now because she seemed like she wanted/wants something long term with him. He expressed that he never cheated on me with her (or anyone), and that it was what I had brought into the relationship that made him lose hope in us. Our conversation was unsettling because there was emotion that still played across his face as he expressed how much I had hurt him. He did not cry, but his eyes were slightly watery…I saw this and my heart broke. I know that I did him wrong in so many ways, and I have dealt with the consequences of my behavior…still dealing with them actually. I expressed that I was sorry but/and that he played a role in our relationship by continuing to stay even though I hurt him over and over again. He got angry when i pointed this out and said that when you love someone enough, you want to believe in them. Our conversation ended with him saying that he could not be my friend or even talk to me at the moment because a lot of painful emotions are still there and that would affect his relationship with his current girlfriend. I told him I understood and that I wished the best for him, he responded the same..that he wasn't mad at me and truly wished me the best. Questions for you to consider…. Do you think that he is over me or just angry that he let himself be hurt by me? I am saddened by my actions towards this man that has caused him such despair. Do you think I will forever be a monster in his eyes? Perhaps I care too much because he was a good man who did nothing but love me and I have been forced to face how ugly I acted in our relationship.

[somegoodman]

I am 24 years old and just got out of a four year relationship with a 46 year old man. I met this guy in college when I was a fresh faced 20 year old. It was infatuation at first sight. Because of our age difference, I did not see that much of a future with this guy but I had fun with him in the mean time. I dated this man on and off for the first two years because I did not want to be tied down at such a young age. During this period, this man, my ex, stuck around because by then he had already fallen in love with me. I always initiated our breakups, but wouldn't last for more than a few days because I became so used to him being around.

 

The critical and unflattering piece here is that from the first day that I met him , he was involved in an unhappy marriage...hence the reason why I always initiated the break-ups because I knew the situation was not right. During the third year of our "relationship" , my ex separated from his wife and moved to a house closer to where I lived (near the university). Once the move had taken place, I moved in with him (while still keeping my own place "just in case"). At this point, my ex was no longer expecting me or wanting me to go out on dates with other men because he was now in a position where we could really be together. As flattered as I was by his desire to want to be with me, my heart was never really into it.

 

While he was spending all his time and resources treating me like a queen, my foot was always one foot out the door. The last two years of our relationship was riddled with my infidelities with other men. Whenever he found out about these other men, he would be completely heartbroken oftentimes with uncontrollable tears. Despite all of my shortcomings, he would never want to break up with me because he believed that eventually I would come around. Fast forward now to these past few months. At this point, our relationship was very rocky due to the fact that I had a hard time saying we were a solid couple and I was still communicating with guy friends that made my ex uncomfortable. Deep down, I knew our relationship was not going to last but I stayed because I became very comfortable with my ex and our routine lifestyle.

 

My ex knew that my heart was not really committed to him in the long term but did not take action in breaking up because he believed that I would come to my senses and want to make our relationship work. In December 2013, I just got out of an emotional affair with a man I worked with. My ex knew about the whole thing and the EA in turn did not end well. My ex was so hurt that I was sharing my feelings with another man but yet again insisted that he would give me a chance to try to work on our relationship. Throughout this turbulent time, we were rarely physically intimate because I was so upset about my emotional affair blowout. Around this time (in December/January) when my ex and I were trying to figure out our relationship, he started mentioning the name of a female that he worked with. At first he said that she made him feel uncomfortable because he thought she liked him , but then a few weeks later when I asked about her, he said that he gave her his phone number because he felt that they can be friends.

 

I was upset when he told me this because even though we were on rocky terrain, we were still together. He made a point to leave his cell phone around to let me know that he was not doing anything with her. He even gave me his email passwords just in case I thought he was emailing her. He in fact wanted me to come to a work function with him so that I could meet her and see for myself that their friendship was harmless. On top of that, he said that I would probably like her because she had similar style to me (she is also my same race) I was not swayed. Two months ago, the day before his birthday, I broke up with him. His "friends" name had come up frequently and I had too much pride to be around for any potential infidelity (on his part). He claims that they were just friends and promised on his kids but I did not want to stick around for that.

 

Once I left (boxes packed and everything…really final this time). I found out that a day later (on his birthday) this work "friend" he was talking about had taken him to dinner and had purchased him a birthday gift. They had been inseparable for the rest of that week..even sleeping together on the third or fourth day after we broke up. Even though I broke up with him, I was livid. If he really loved me, wouldn't he have waited at least two weeks before he moved onto someone new? As far as I know, they are still together, based on what our mutual friends have observed. It is accurate to say that I never was in love with him, but I cared for him. I am in a spot where I am grieving our relationship but want to move on. I am not dating anyone seriously but maybe I should so that I can get over missing him. This all doesn't make sense to me because even though I broke up with him, I am mad with how quickly he moved on and to a woman who looks similar to me (yet she is 37 years old).

 

I feel like if it were any other woman, I would be fine but it had to be her. I just feel like I was easily replaced and that is not a good feeling. Deep down, I really want to wish him well but for now I am unable to. I know that it is best for me to focus on myself now that I am no longer in a relationship, but my mind keeps going back to my previous relationship and how it all ended. A week after our breakup, I talked to my ex about why he jumped into a relationship so soon after me. He had such an angry response that I have never seen from him before. He was crying and saying that I was bad for him because I did not know what I wanted but continued to use him for the sake of being comfortable. he also mentioned that there were times where he considered suicide because I kept hurting him…the fact that he has kids is what saved him.

 

So now, as I look back on that moment, I am also dealing with feelings of extreme guilt and sorrow for this man. The mourning has hit me hard and each day I am living with that.

 

UPDATE: I was at the coffee shop today, and bumped into my ex and his dog (and is older son) right when I stepped foot outside. His son left for a brief moment to get some coffee, and there I stood face to face with this man who has loved me for four years. I initially went to pet the dog because she was so excited to see me. As I was doing this, I asked my ex how he was doing. He said that he was doing well. There was silence after his response and we just sat there for a minute just looking into each others faces…taking each other in. He finally asked how I was doing and I responded that I was working through school and trying to get things done. Once I finished my piece, there seemed to be a shaky energy between us (I was trembling on the inside..believe me) and he quickly responded that he couldn't do this. talking to me. He said that I worked him and that the events of our relationships (i.e. men that I was friends with) still stung him. He said that he lost his trust for me and that he didn't think it was a good idea to be talking to me because he is at a good place with the woman he has been seeing (refer to my original post) and that he does not want to risk going back to square one with me, because that would destroy what they have. Given that I am still mourning him, I remember just wanting to be next to him, it's like I did not want to leave which kind of confuses me as I write this. I told him that I was sorry that I hurt him and that I am in a better place. He expressed that what drove him away was my unfaithfulness and that he never fell out of love with me but that I was not seeming to come around in terms of our relationship, so he had no choice but to get to know the woman he is with now because she seemed like she wanted/wants something long term with him. He expressed that he never cheated on me with her (or anyone), and that it was what I had brought into the relationship that made him lose hope in us. Our conversation was unsettling because there was emotion that still played across his face as he expressed how much I had hurt him. He did not cry, but his eyes were slightly watery…I saw this and my heart broke. I know that I did him wrong in so many ways, and I have dealt with the consequences of my behavior…still dealing with them actually. I expressed that I was sorry but/and that he played a role in our relationship by continuing to stay even though I hurt him over and over again. He got angry when i pointed this out and said that when you love someone enough, you want to believe in them. Our conversation ended with him saying that he could not be my friend or even talk to me at the moment because a lot of painful emotions are still there and that would affect his relationship with his current girlfriend. I told him I understood and that I wished the best for him, he responded the same..that he wasn't mad at me and truly wished me the best. Questions for you to consider…. Do you think that he is over me or just angry that he let himself be hurt by me? I am saddened by my actions towards this man that has caused him such despair. Do you think I will forever be a monster in his eyes? Perhaps I care too much because he was a good man who did nothing but love me and I have been forced to face how ugly I acted in our relationship.

 

translation: ME ME ME ME I ME MINE