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How do I cope with friend getting together with crush?


dudeguy56

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This isn't at all guaranteed. I'm a super paranoid person but simultaneously realistic which almost seems like a contradiction but hear me out. My friend knows I like this person a lot. I told him and I made sure I asked him if he liked her and he said he didn't. But I wanted to be completely sure and prepared for any potential situation in the future so I made him promise that if he ever developed feelings for her he would tell me. I genuinely don't intend to get between them, it's just that I've only liked someone once before in my life and it resulted in me losing connection with her and both of my best friends because they liked her as well and unlike me were in a relationship with her for a while. I wasn't prepared for it at all and it got uncomfortable. This time I want to be prepared.

 

The thing is he's an extrovert. A super social person who everyone likes. I'm an introvert. I'm quiet, I listen. I don't make a lot of comments or tell humouristic stories. I'm also very serious, however occassionally I let myself go a bit. They however are going to take ballet classes next term for example. Something which made me feel excluded. I don't want to go to ballet, don't get me wrong but I felt, again, excluded. I wasn't even asked. But hey, maybe I'm being too paranoid.

 

I don't want to lose my friends again, it sucked major cockels... But if it does happen I NEED to be able to cope with it. Both of them are super nice people and it would suck if it damaged the friendship. Of course this does depend on me to a large extent but I need help to figure out how. I would be so uncomfortable and sad if I hanged out with both of them at the same time. I don't want to see them together if it does happen.

 

I'm NOT cutting contact with either of them. I was thinking about telling her how I feel (I'm as sure as I can be that she doesn't like me without asking.) but then I realized that'll do nothing but make her feel uncomfortable around me.

As I said, I'm trying to be realistic. My friend doesn't like her, at least not right now but if he does develop feelings for her they might get together. (I honestly have no idea what she feels for him.) It's not that probable it'll happen but if it does I need to know how I keep on living my life without crying near them. Without feeling uncomfortable near them. It's not just about me but it's my responsibility to take care of myself and that's what I'm trying to do.

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fancy feast

Holy crap, don't have a "feelings" talk with a girl you've never even gone on a date with. That's a surefire recipe for failure. Just ask her out. You're projecting your fears of missing your chance onto your friend.

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There is only one way to find out. We told you that the last time you posted about this "problem" You have to man up & ask the girl on a date. You said that was impossible. Instead you are CHOOSING to sit back, be paranoid & play what if games. If it's not your buddy, at some point, some other guy is going to swoop in & take this girl away from you if you just sit there wallowing in self pity & failing to make a move.

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fancy feast

Ok, looking at your post history, you say you're too shy and scared to ask her out.

 

Wanna know the best way to get over that? Asking girls out, and getting rejected. After a few times, you'll see that it's no big deal and you won't have work up the courage to do it. It'll just come naturally. So what better time to start than now? And who knows, she's just as likely to say yes.

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Ok, looking at your post history, you say you're too shy and scared to ask her out.

 

Wanna know the best way to get over that? Asking girls out, and getting rejected. After a few times, you'll see that it's no big deal and you won't have work up the courage to do it. It'll just come naturally. So what better time to start than now? And who knows, she's just as likely to say yes.

 

The reason I don't want to do that at this point besides being shy is that the small chance of her feeling the same doesn't even nearly outweigh the chance of her getting uncomfortable and don't want to be friends with me anymore.

 

Of course I'm scared of rejection but I wouldn't even for a bit doubt that I'd tell her how I felt if I knew she'd be comfortable being friends after.

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As long as you stay just friends with a girl you like you are torturing yourself. Why do you want to do that?

 

If she doesn't feel the same way, yes it will be awkward & no you won't be able to be friends in the begining. You will both need distance.

 

Yes, it will be sad that she's not in your life the same way but ultimately it will be freeing & much healthier for you.

 

What happened when you watched the movie & her grandmother's house? To me that was the perfect time to make your move.

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As long as you stay just friends with a girl you like you are torturing yourself. Why do you want to do that?

 

If she doesn't feel the same way, yes it will be awkward & no you won't be able to be friends in the begining. You will both need distance.

 

Yes, it will be sad that she's not in your life the same way but ultimately it will be freeing & much healthier for you.

 

What happened when you watched the movie & her grandmother's house? To me that was the perfect time to make your move.

I don't think you realize how convinced I am that she doesn't like me. I'm not going to make a move if I'm this convinced that she doesn't like me.

 

I had planned to tell her how I felt at her grandmas house at first but then I realized (with help from forum posts) that it wont do any good besides making her feel uncomfortable and just making the situation worse than it is.

 

It might take a ****load long of a time but I feel it's for the best that I endure and eventually get over her than get rejected and ruin the friendship. We have too many mutual friends to avoid each other and we might even end up in the same class next term so this distance wont be possible.

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I don't think you realize how convinced I am that she doesn't like me. I'm not going to make a move if I'm this convinced that she doesn't like me.

 

 

Oh I am well aware of how convince you are that she doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

 

 

The reason I want to crawl through my computer & shake you (in the nicest of possible constructive ways ) is that you refuse to even consider that possibility that you are wrong. I bet she does like you back. I'm serious. No girl invites a boy to watch American Beauty with her alone in grandma's house with hoping that he'll try something. If she didn't like you she would have asked you over to watch an action adventure flick not a sexy movie.

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Simon Phoenix
Oh I am well aware of how convince you are that she doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

 

 

The reason I want to crawl through my computer & shake you (in the nicest of possible constructive ways ) is that you refuse to even consider that possibility that you are wrong. I bet she does like you back. I'm serious. No girl invites a boy to watch American Beauty with her alone in grandma's house with hoping that he'll try something. If she didn't like you she would have asked you over to watch an action adventure flick not a sexy movie.

 

I wouldn't call American Beauty a sexy movie. That's actually the type of movie you are supposed to pay attention to. Now if she asked him over to watch a horror movie, then he's in. All sorts of "scared" grabbing from her and a plot that no one really needs to pay attention to = paycheck :)

 

That being said, the OP really needs to make a move. Not just to get this girl, but to set himself up for success in the future. Women aren't going to respond to the emo moping and pining this guy does. He needs to learn to come out of his shell.

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Standard-Fare

I know I'm not alone in getting frustrated with you, OP. This routine of "I want something very badly, but I'm unwilling to do anything but whine about how I can't have it" is getting old.

 

Let me be very blunt again:

 

1) Stop locking yourself so rigidly into this self-identity as "an introvert." Which, by the way, I can tell by your tone you consider a somewhat superior (as in, more genuine) state of being.

 

Look, I'm an introvert, too, but at some point you gotta be like, "This isn't all there is to me... how do I develop some coping skills?" You will always be shy and reserved, but you need to stop using your social awkwardness as an excuse not to do stuff. There is no other option but to adapt. And if you don't take some effort to work at this, you have no one to blame but yourself.

 

2) I agree with you -- your chances with this girl are probably pretty slim. Most likely you have already killed any possibilities by sitting around like a frog on a lilypad for months and months just nursing this secret crush and doing jacksh*t about it. When you want something, you have to make SOME moves toward it. You haven't. So yes, you have probably friend-zoned" yourself pretty hard.

 

3) Don't fool yourself that everything would be better if you confessed your crush and then she wanted to remain friends. Guess what? You've already got that supposed "ideal dynamic" RIGHT NOW!! You two are friends, and you have feelings for her.

 

But it's obvious from your posts that you are not actually OK with this dynamic. In fact, it seems that you're tormented by it. And it's clear you have some kind of motive behind this idea of confessing to her -- deep down, you want to rustle her up and cause some sort of reaction.

 

4) There is a 100 percent guarantee that confessing your feelings WILL change your relationship. So if you have the balls to take this step, why choose this lame route of an awkward emo confession when you could chose the better option: actually flirting with her, trying to take her on a date, etc? You know, actually showing her you're interested.

 

Either way, you're changing the dynamic. Either way, you're facing risks. But since both options require the same amount of bravery, why not just fully GO FOR IT and choose the path that won't just weird her out and alienate her?

Edited by Standard-Fare
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You can't lay claim to someone you have a crush on. If your friend gets to her before you can grow a pair and ask her out, then you have no right to be mad at either of them.

 

Just flirt with her..test the waters and see how it goes.

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Simon Phoenix
You can't lay claim to someone you have a crush on. If your friend gets to her before you can grow a pair and ask her out, then you have no right to be mad at either of them.

 

Just flirt with her..test the waters and see how it goes.

 

One of my buddies had a huge crush on one of our coworkers several years ago. I kept encouraging him to go after it yet he kept wussing out like the OP. Finally I started flirting with her, in part because I thought she was cute and in part to get my friend to get off his ass and make a move. Worked like a charm -- she started getting frisky with me (though I didn't formally hook up with her), I made up a backstory about how I wanted to ask her out, he finally woke up and started flirting aggressively with her and finally asked her out. They dated for three years.

 

But yeah, I have no sympathy for the OP here. If you want something, go after it. If you are afraid of it, then don't cry about it.

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Standard-Fare

You know what, Dudeguy56, I just checked your older posts and learned that you're 16. I didn't realize you were that young, I thought you were in college.

 

So I think my tone should have been softer, since some of these are inevitable feelings for a teenager. Still, my advice remains the EXACT SAME. The same rules apply for all ages!

 

And also, you're at a critical point now where you get to choose: Are you going to spend your high school/college days being the wallflower who quietly pines for girls but never gets them? Or you going to go after what you want?

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I kind of get that you want me to start flirting and that would've been way easier if this was when we met each other around January. I just feel like she knows who I am and what I act like. Flirting is more or less an exact contradiction to my usual behavior and she would notice instantly. As stupid, pathetic and cowardly as it sounds I've kind of been in the mindset recently that what I need to do is endure the **** I'm going through now to hopefully come out with a good friendship in the end - when I'm over her.

 

I want to make it clear that she didn't invite me to watch American Beauty and she doesn't know what it's about either. She knew my favorite movie of all time was American Beauty and I told her to watch it. Then I said that if she wants to we can watch it together because I was going to watch it again soon anyway.

 

Of course I WANT her to like me. I'm constantly looking for signs that she'd like me and one of the easiest ways of doing that is to compare myself with my friend. And what that has gotten me to is that it's way way way more likely that she likes my friend. For example because she has mentioned that her whole family likes him (while I stood right beside them) and they're also going to take ballet classes together.

 

(Ohh, and for the record. Someone said that I couldn't lay claim to her. I KNOW that. I accept that. I understand that. If she likes my friend there's absolutely nothing I can and will do. I told him to tell me if he ever developed feelings for her so that if they actually got together it wouldn't be a complete shock out of nowhere to me.)

 

The point of all this is that I will eventually notice these feelings vanishing, hence any future boyfriend wouldn't be a problem per se. However, the fact that I'm concerned about the friend is that this has happened before in my life and it resulted in me losing contact with two of my best friends because they got together with my old crush. It was horrible being near them so I couldn't. It's not for me to say that they can't be together but then I'd at least want to be prepared. That's what I'm asking for.

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I kind of get that you want me to start flirting and that would've been way easier if this was when we met each other around January. I just feel like she knows who I am and what I act like. Flirting is more or less an exact contradiction to my usual behavior and she would notice instantly. As stupid, pathetic and cowardly as it sounds I've kind of been in the mindset recently that what I need to do is endure the **** I'm going through now to hopefully come out with a good friendship in the end - when I'm over her.

 

I want to make it clear that she didn't invite me to watch American Beauty and she doesn't know what it's about either. She knew my favorite movie of all time was American Beauty and I told her to watch it. Then I said that if she wants to we can watch it together because I was going to watch it again soon anyway.

 

Of course I WANT her to like me. I'm constantly looking for signs that she'd like me and one of the easiest ways of doing that is to compare myself with my friend. And what that has gotten me to is that it's way way way more likely that she likes my friend. For example because she has mentioned that her whole family likes him (while I stood right beside them) and they're also going to take ballet classes together.

 

(Ohh, and for the record. Someone said that I couldn't lay claim to her. I KNOW that. I accept that. I understand that. If she likes my friend there's absolutely nothing I can and will do. I told him to tell me if he ever developed feelings for her so that if they actually got together it wouldn't be a complete shock out of nowhere to me.)

 

The point of all this is that I will eventually notice these feelings vanishing, hence any future boyfriend wouldn't be a problem per se. However, the fact that I'm concerned about the friend is that this has happened before in my life and it resulted in me losing contact with two of my best friends because they got together with my old crush. It was horrible being near them so I couldn't. It's not for me to say that they can't be together but then I'd at least want to be prepared. That's what I'm asking for.

 

You'll never get over her if you keep this up. You have romantic feelings for this girl therefore there is no way this ''friendship'' will ever work.

 

She invited you over to watch ''American Beauty'', come on, what better sign than that do you want ?

 

She likes you more than a friend and she's waiting for you to make a move, trust me I know what i'm talking about.

 

And please stop overthinking everything, just ask her out on a real date.

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Imagine how i see your situation, maybe you'll understand it better.

 

Youre in the woods hunting, right.... When all of a sudden a deer comes and takes the rifle from your hands, shoots itself then straps itself to the hood of your car waiting for you to take it home...... but you don't. Instead you leave it there in the woods to rot, imagine how disappointed is the deer :(

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You'll never get over her if you keep this up. You have romantic feelings for this girl therefore there is no way this ''friendship'' will ever work.

 

She invited you over to watch ''American Beauty'', come on, what better sign than that do you want ?

 

She likes you more than a friend and she's waiting for you to make a move, trust me I know what i'm talking about.

 

And please stop overthinking everything, just ask her out on a real date.

 

No she didn't. As I said:

 

"I want to make it clear that she didn't invite me to watch American Beauty and she doesn't know what it's about either. She knew my favorite movie of all time was American Beauty and I told her to watch it. Then I said that if she wants to we can watch it together because I was going to watch it again soon anyway. "

 

While I know that you mean well I must beg to differ. You don't know what you're talking about. She's a confident person and has even told me herself that if she likes someone she'd tell that person. (We got into this conversation because for some stupid reason I started talking about my failed crush experience when I was 14. Yes that was idiotic, I know that and I realized it as fast as I mentioned it.)

 

I get that if I like someone I should do something about it but the reason I'm convinced she doesn't like me is because I don't get the feeling that she reciprocates what I feel for her. Sure, she doesn't have to tell me that she likes me, she doesn't have to be the one who puts it out there but at least she should take SOME initiative if she likes me more than a friend. But she hasn't and that very strongly leads me to believe she doesn't like me more than a friend. And there's nothing wrong with that.

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the fact that she wanted to watch American Beauty because it's your favorite movie is more evidence that she actually likes you! Why can't you see that?

 

 

Go back & re-read David 87's post about the deer. It's spot on.

 

 

Think about how much fun your "friendship" is going to be when she starts telling you all about her new BF & starts asking for your advice about him what to get for his birthday, do you think he'll like the new lingerie she bought to wear for him.

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No she didn't. As I said:

 

"I want to make it clear that she didn't invite me to watch American Beauty and she doesn't know what it's about either. She knew my favorite movie of all time was American Beauty and I told her to watch it. Then I said that if she wants to we can watch it together because I was going to watch it again soon anyway. "

 

While I know that you mean well I must beg to differ. You don't know what you're talking about. She's a confident person and has even told me herself that if she likes someone she'd tell that person. (We got into this conversation because for some stupid reason I started talking about my failed crush experience when I was 14. Yes that was idiotic, I know that and I realized it as fast as I mentioned it.)

 

I get that if I like someone I should do something about it but the reason I'm convinced she doesn't like me is because I don't get the feeling that she reciprocates what I feel for her. Sure, she doesn't have to tell me that she likes me, she doesn't have to be the one who puts it out there but at least she should take SOME initiative if she likes me more than a friend. But she hasn't and that very strongly leads me to believe she doesn't like me more than a friend. And there's nothing wrong with that.

 

Well excuse me if I don't then, but keep in mind that she's a girl and you like her more than she likes you and stil you don't do anything about it, how on earth do you expect her to do more than you ????

 

You're the one who has to make a move on her and take the INITIATIVE......

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Simon Phoenix

I hate to talk in these terms, but you really need to grow a pair of balls and use them. She obviously likes spending time with you, she knows what you're favorite movie is and was willing to watch it with you (that's basically her waving you in with the glowing wands that airport personnel use to direct planes). Honestly, you need to try, just to know for sure. What's the worst that can happen? She says no? So what? You're in the same position you are now, except now you don't have the lingering 'What if?' questions and you can move forward.

 

Honestly, you have a better shot than you think. But the more you act like a scared little wuss, the less she'll be attracted to you, because women don't like weak men that don't go for what they want. You need to do this just to show that you have a pair of working testicles.

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fancy feast

You're overthinking this by a million miles. Just ask her out. If it doesn't work out, on to the next one. Dude, you're 16. Ask a bunch of girls out. Get some experience, and have fun. Then you'll be a ****ing champ when you get to college, and the real fun starts.

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If I need to act like someone I'm not then I shouldn't be doing it in the first place. I am a weak person, very fragile and sensitive. I know that and I don't intend to change that because it's part of who I am.

 

When I'm with her I get really nervous and I think that's because I've put her on a pedestal and she's stayed there for way too long. I value her over me. For this reason I don't want to make a fool of myself. I don't want to say the wrong things. I don't want to act wrong but all this within the boundaries of still being me. And I hope this still makes sense. To make a move would for one be obvious from the start because it's contradictory to my behaviour (which she is very familiar with at this point). Secondly I would be too nervous to do it smoothly so it would just be awkward.

 

As for taking the initiative, I might not have been doing it particularly obvious with the intention of being with her but at least I've been doing something. For example, she never starts any conversations on facebook/texting. There was a period of which I'm pretty embarrassed of right now when I texted her maybe 3-4 times a week to start a conversation. (She never started the conversation.) I then noticed how annoying I must've been and on top of that I didn't even know if she wanted to talk to me so I stopped messaging for about two weeks. She didn't message me once. (Keep in mind that she's confident and trust me NOT afraid/nervous around me.) I then started messaging her again but maybe once or twice a week. If even that.

 

And this American Beauty thing, I think you're misjudging how watching that was planned. Let's see. We had a spanish lesson about three months ago where we talked about movies (I'm a huge movie/tv-series lover. Everyone who knows me knows that including her obviously.) It came up that she hadn't seen Spirited Away which I thought was crazy because it's a brilliant movie. I then promised her I'd make a top 100 movie list in order that she has to see. American Beauty was at the top. Fast forward to about two weeks ago I told her that she had to see it and she said she would. Then I told her that we can watch it together if she wants to because I was going to watch it again anyway. She said "sure". Now just consider for a second that she didn't want to see it with me, what would she say? I'm not saying she doesn't want to but IF she doesn't I still put her in a position where it's awkward to say no so jumping to the conclusion that she likes me because she said yes is in my opinion a very premature judgement. I do think she does want to see it but as a friend. I don't know where you live but here in Sweden or at least around the people I hang out with it's not that out of the ordinary to watch a movie with another person of the opposite gender.

 

If it feels right then MAYBE I'd tell her that I like her this night but I'm not the kind of person that can make a move. If anything, the best I could do is tell her (probably awkwardly) that I like her and TRY restraining myself from saying "and I know you don't feel the same."

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Simon Phoenix

Why would you want to continue to be a weak person? And honestly, I don't know who the hell screwed you up, but they did a number on you. That was one of the more depressing things I've ever read. You are way too young to have such a defeatist attitude. I mean, if that's really how you think then maybe you are right, she doesn't like you. Because honestly, your attitude is one of the worst I've ever read and women will not be attracted to you if you actually believe the garbage you just typed.

 

You are 16 years old. Your life doesn't have to be like that. Your attitude and confidence doesn't have to be crappy. You don't have to be weak and spineless. You can be whatever you want to be. And I would guarantee if all of a sudden you became a self-assured, confident, fun guy, her attitude toward dating you would spike upward tremendously. But that would necessitate you actually being proactive in your life and doing something to improve it. And that's up to you -- no poster on here can do that for you.

 

But yeah, I've never read someone going to as much trouble as you just did to convince others that someone did not like them. It just makes me feel bad for you.

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