Struggling to let go of something I don't have

[swfc_77]

Split up 1 month ago after a 3 year relationship.

 

She pushed and pulled me for 3/4 days and finally over the phone told me she was moving to NZ to be with her family.

 

Her family hated me and emotionally blackmailed her to go back, I'm pretty sure, this was a game for them I just wanted to have a life with their daughter.

 

I last saw her on 14th feb, she left UK on 8th march all very very quick.

 

In her last few weeks she had a leaving party at work, went out for a leaving meal with UK family said goodbye to friends and family, I got nothing my family got nothing, no thanks or goodbyes.

 

I asked her if she wanted to see me before she left, she just said "it's up to you"

 

Don't get me wrong she was far from perfect,

She couldn't cook

Had no career

She was lazy

Couldn't save money

 

I did still love her, for all her faults, I feel cheated and led on and it's hard to take, I feel like she died but everyone else got to say goodbye, she cut me off completely after I invested 3 years of my life and she led me to believe she wanted kids and a home with me.

 

Now she played the trump card and upped and left.

 

It hurts, because we could have worked this out, she has a history of running away when she has to put the effort in and she never seems finish things, doesn't want responsibility.

 

People are telling me I had a lucky escape, her UK family have said this, my family and friends.

 

It's hard because she has run to a new life, a clean break and a fresh start.

 

Everything that she has left behind I'm left holding, I started to build this life for us and asked for her help and she decided to bail on me.

 

I'm on the verge of a breakdown, my business is about to fail as I cannot seem to justify going to work to earn money for what, last month I was saving for a deposit on a house, now what.

 

I'm usually organised and know what I want, I couldn't tell you what I'll be doing in an hour now.

 

Why do people throw the words kids, marriage, houses and love around so easily.

 

I'm fed up of believing in people, trusting people and getting nothing back.

 

26 she got scared and ran back to mummy and daddy.

[Mr.Pine]

Everything that she has left behind I'm left holding, I started to build this life for us and asked for her help and she decided to bail on me.

 

I'm on the verge of a breakdown, my business is about to fail as I cannot seem to justify going to work to earn money for what, last month I was saving for a deposit on a house, now what.

 

I'm usually organised and know what I want, I couldn't tell you what I'll be doing in an hour now.

 

Why do people throw the words kids, marriage, houses and love around so easily.

 

I'm fed up of believing in people, trusting people and getting nothing back.

 

26 she got scared and ran back to mummy and daddy.

 

 

Here's the scoop. You placed entirely too much of your purported happiness on to her. The pedestal you placed her on was so damn high, you had no place to go but rock bottom when she left.

 

Your business is about to fail because you worked so hard on it for her and now she's gone so you give up on it? Gimme a humongous break. You should be working on your business for you. Christ, man... I'm unemployed right now. I would give my left testicle to have the opportunity to work on my own business.

 

You have placed MUCH TOO MUCH emotional investment on some chick who flew the coup.

 

I know this place is a site to vent, but when I read such ridiculousness I get angry. Angry that people put so much stock into ONE DAMN PERSON! If we all just had normal lives with our love and time spread out EVENLY, we wouldn't be in the predicaments we find ourselves in now. I am convinced of that.

 

Have other interests besides your mate. You have your job to fall back on, and you're too depressed to focus on a money making venture? I have no sympathy for you, bro. None at all.

 

For what it's worth, go NC and sack up.

[swfc_77]

Thanks for the reply buddy, with the greatest respect I am not after sympathy.

 

I realise I have to pick myself up, I have been through this before and it's a f****** dark lonely road ahead, it's not a nice place and I know things will get better eventually.

 

Your probably right, I am guilty of unknowingly putting her on a pedestal.

 

I have been NC for 3 weeks, she has gone I couldn't contact her even if I chose to, but I know the score with NC.

 

I'm just sick to the back teeth of people who take the pi55, I don't believe I put too much stock into her, i carried on with my life while she did f**k all but lay in bed and sleep til midday, I ask her to take responsibility and help me build this future and she f**ks off.

 

It's not like she was 18,19 she is 26 for Christ's sake.

 

So many red flags and I didn't have the bollox to act on them.

 

It's the trust I'm struggling with, I appreciate people can change their minds, but 3 weeks form kids and a life to emigrating.

 

Jeez, as soon as I ask her to put the effort in she bails

[redbaron005]

Split up 1 month ago after a 3 year relationship.

 

She pushed and pulled me for 3/4 days and finally over the phone told me she was moving to NZ to be with her family.

 

Her family hated me and emotionally blackmailed her to go back, I'm pretty sure, this was a game for them I just wanted to have a life with their daughter.

 

I last saw her on 14th feb, she left UK on 8th march all very very quick.

 

In her last few weeks she had a leaving party at work, went out for a leaving meal with UK family said goodbye to friends and family, I got nothing my family got nothing, no thanks or goodbyes.

 

I asked her if she wanted to see me before she left, she just said "it's up to you"

 

Don't get me wrong she was far from perfect,

She couldn't cook

Had no career

She was lazy

Couldn't save money

 

I did still love her, for all her faults, I feel cheated and led on and it's hard to take, I feel like she died but everyone else got to say goodbye, she cut me off completely after I invested 3 years of my life and she led me to believe she wanted kids and a home with me.

 

Now she played the trump card and upped and left.

 

It hurts, because we could have worked this out, she has a history of running away when she has to put the effort in and she never seems finish things, doesn't want responsibility.

 

People are telling me I had a lucky escape, her UK family have said this, my family and friends.

 

It's hard because she has run to a new life, a clean break and a fresh start.

 

Everything that she has left behind I'm left holding, I started to build this life for us and asked for her help and she decided to bail on me.

 

I'm on the verge of a breakdown, my business is about to fail as I cannot seem to justify going to work to earn money for what, last month I was saving for a deposit on a house, now what.

 

I'm usually organised and know what I want, I couldn't tell you what I'll be doing in an hour now.

 

Why do people throw the words kids, marriage, houses and love around so easily.

 

I'm fed up of believing in people, trusting people and getting nothing back.

 

26 she got scared and ran back to mummy and daddy.

 

 

My ex dumped me and ran off to NZ too...it hurts my friend. Keep going to work, save for that house deposit (or invest back in your business), keep your head up. Take a deep breath: Everything. Will. Be. Ok.

 

The break might seem clean - but women are highly emotional, she will miss you. Let her spend some time with her family, who wll prob. drive her crazy in no time, and then you never know.

[swfc_77]

She has made the decision and I respect that.

 

There is no going back, I wouldn't be able to trust her.

 

I'm not pining for her to come back, I'm actually grieving the time iv lost and feel like iv wasted good years in my life, f***ing about with a girl who hasn't grown up.

 

I'm embarrassed and ashamed to be honest as well, feels like a bit of a joke.

 

It's just a shock to the system, but also a blessing I suppose.

 

How did you get over it redbaron? You ok now?

[guest572]

Mr.Pine's comments are all very well in hindsight, but people do this all the time (investing a lot into the relationship and relying on each other for happiness) and you should be able to do so without being treated like this in return. If she had been throwing around the words love, marriage, kids etc. who could blame you for investing a lot into it?

 

She is certainly not on any sort of pedestal. You are angry, you can see her faults and see her for what she is, and it sounds like you can see that it might be for the best although it is very hurtful. This is probably a good place to be for now, i am sure you can get through this and will trust again in the future. my ex was dishonest with me and I truly believed him to be a genuine person. Its really hard to take. But I guess I dont have much advice cause I am probably still trying to understand this myself.

[swfc_77]

The **** thing about all this is finding someone who is contempt.

 

Iv never got the grass is greener syndrome, I plant my own seeds, look after them and grow my own green ****1ng grass.

 

I don't just hop over the fence when it looks greener on that side, that's bollox.

 

I need to spend a few months or maybe years dedicating time to myself, someone told me a few days ago after I was asking about the future of my now ex.

 

Will she be ok?

 

Has she made the right decision?

 

What will happen if she needs me?

 

Why has she done this, after saying that?

 

Answer to all of the above - it's none of your business anymore.

[redbaron005]

She has made the decision and I respect that.

 

There is no going back, I wouldn't be able to trust her.

 

I'm not pining for her to come back, I'm actually grieving the time iv lost and feel like iv wasted good years in my life, f***ing about with a girl who hasn't grown up.

 

I'm embarrassed and ashamed to be honest as well, feels like a bit of a joke.

 

It's just a shock to the system, but also a blessing I suppose.

 

How did you get over it redbaron? You ok now?

 

Short answer, I have not gotten over it and never will, however have learned quite a bit. I am okay - thanks to support from family and everyone here on LS. My ex was 26 as well, and we both handled the last few months immaturely - as a result she ran to her backup man, then initiated NC when I begged for her back. Her sister and family also played a part in her leaving me, so I know how that feels. I respected her decision, just as you have, and have not communicated with her. We both have maturing to do. So honestly, if you truly love her, this will be very hard emotionally. And will get worse at the beginning before it gets better in the coming weeks.

 

The first thing I did to cope was book a trip during a time I knew was going to be hard (valentines day week). The second thing I did was hire a therapist (first time doing so, it helps). Kept NC. 1st month was denial and shock, months 2-3 acceptance, and months 4-5, where I am now, its been depression and bargaining with myself over my feelings. Oddly never anger, however I have a long fuse.

 

Ahem, so some advice that has helped me along the way from others here on LS and elseware:

 

Lesson #1) The Grass is Never Greener, Just Different

Lesson #2) Always Believe in Yourself and You Will Have Nothing to Fear

Lesson #3) Dumpers Take Considerable Time to Reconcile Feelings

Lesson #4) Patience and Persistence, Through NC, Set the Stage to Heal

Lesson #5) Respect Precedes Love and Love is not Linear

Lesson #6) You Cannot Change Another Persons Feelings, Only They Can

Lesson #7) People Need Space

 

So IMHO, if you loved the girl, you didn't waste a second of your life, so don't start now wasting time living in the past Gatsby style. Many of my friends who have reached the 3-4 year relationship mark with someone have had at least a 6-8 month breakup to find out if that is really what they want. Some get back together (and move back) and some move on. This also seems to be a trend with longer realtionship breakups on this site, although situations do vary.

 

I really feel for you; its seems like you are strong though and grounded in your values. Keep that.

[swfc_77]

I won't go into great detail, but some of the stuff her mother and sister did and said early on in the relationship to her was horrendous.

 

Stuff I wasn't suppose to see

 

I'm pretty sure her sister was jealous and the mother just wanted all her daughters back within arms reach.

 

This caused us problems as I didn't agree with the way they treat her and upset her constantly, they never encouraged her or wanted her to do well in UK, they actually wanted her to fail and go running back home, which she has now done.

[redbaron005]

I won't go into great detail, but some of the stuff her mother and sister did and said early on in the relationship to her was horrendous.

 

Stuff I wasn't suppose to see

 

I'm pretty sure her sister was jealous and the mother just wanted all her daughters back within arms reach.

 

This caused us problems as I didn't agree with the way they treat her and upset her constantly, they never encouraged her or wanted her to do well in UK, they actually wanted her to fail and go running back home, which she has now done.

 

That was very selfish of her family. You might have become a threat to them bc you recognized this, which is unfortunate. Did she ever invite you to NZ?

[swfc_77]

I took her back over to visit family 2 years ago, we stayed for 6 weeks.

 

It was 6 weeks of hell for me, it was a sales pitch not a holiday, the ex was desperate to impress her mother and her sister and for some reason that meant belittling me, check my post history from 2 years ago you'll see how I felt out there with them.

 

I could have made a good go of it over there, but her mother would be judge and jury on our relationship and her sister is a strange girl, tells lies and I think maybe a bit of jealousy for my ex.

 

Way too close of a family, she calls her mother and father mummy and daddy, she's 26.

 

Standing back and looking at it and getting some neutral feedback I think I was the rebound guy and there seems to be a pattern.

 

People who have seen the relationship break up over 3 weeks tell me she runs at responsibility she has done before, she has gone back because it "looks easier over there now" I told her to get a better job and stop laying in bed all day.

 

As soon as she has to put the effort in she moves on, I think this happened in her last relationship, she never made the effort, just expected to be carried through life.

 

I told her 3 months ago

"If you haven't sorted yourself out in 6 months, iv had enough"

 

She went mad, but for a 26 yr old to have £0.00 in the bank, no car, no career, no kids or major commitments and spent money like it grew on trees, it was getting frustrating.

 

I feel like she knew the free ride was up and instead of standing on her own 2 feet and working with me she has run off back to mummy and daddy.

 

Iv dodged a massive bullet, a whole arsenal of bullets if you include the family.

 

Still hurts, still feel like a mug

 

Apologies for venting I need to get this out and the neutral perspective is good to have

[swfc_77]

why did the family not like you?

 

Honestly,

 

Her family pinned a lot of false hope on us moving there, that false hope turned into possible hated for me when I said I (we) couldn't do it at that moment.

 

There was a personality clash, my ex changed dramatically around her family, her sister was devious, vindictive and a liar (I don't know why), if we moved there we wouldn't have lasted, her family were too interfering, I felt like a naughty 14 year out there.

 

I stood up for myself, my attitude and my personality never changed in the 3 year relationship, theirs did, and it changed when I refused to move there, and it changed when I didn't do as I was told, I'm a young man not a schoolboy.

 

Why don't you agree with me saying she was lazy, she was, I'm not going to lie, I would work 60/70 hour weeks come home to find here in her pyjamas at 5pm.

 

I'm close with my family but if I called my mum mummy she'd slap me square round the face and tell me to grow up, I'm 27.

 

The plain and simple black and white facts are that she is a little girl, she has not grown up.

 

She has never had to grow up, someone has always been there to carry her, ex boyfriends, me, and now back to her family.

 

I never fought her family, I just stepped back because they were too overbearing for me, too much pressure.

 

She has had 3 partners in the UK in 10 years, her family eventually found a reason to dislike them all including me, I did more than enough for their daughter she was safe, well loved and looked after, but has run again when I ask for help and commitment.

Edited March 15, 2014 by swfc_77

[redbaron005]

Please keep venting, its healthy. I don't think you were a rebound, however the family clearly had it out for you. Its a tough obstical to overcome. My ex was also bad at saving and had no major commitments- frustrating bc it made it so easy for her drop me and go elsewhere. She ran when life starting getting serious and she would need to take responsibility.

 

My ex's sister has had bad luck with men, bitter girl; and got it in her mind that if she brought me along to NZ I would ditch her for another women (what?). Her mother and father were nice, but thought I never wanted to see them even though they lived 7 hours away from me, not exactly convenient driving distance.

 

So, women do not like to be given ultimatums, and that probably did scare her/was seen as very unattractive and controlling. Timelines aren't the best either. I feel like a mug too, its just going to be about learning from the situation and allowing them to learn on their own for a bit.

[swfc_77]

"So, women do not like to be given ultimatums, and that probably did scare her/was seen as very unattractive and controlling. Timelines aren't the best either. I feel like a mug too, its just going to be about learning from the situation and allowing them to learn on their own for a bit."

 

She needed the ultimatum, we were not progressing, she was floating along next to me and would have allowed this to continue.

 

I don't think it was unattractive or controlling on my part, she wanted kids, marriage and a home she said this time and time again, she convinced me to build toward this, this is what hurts.

 

Forget her family for a second, the relationship had 2 people saying they wanted the same thing, but only had 1 person working for that outcome.

 

I have asked her to help, it's only natural, the days of a man working and a women sat cleaning at home are long gone, it's a team effort, effort being the scary word

[preraph]

Sorry you got the bad end of the stick in this deal. After reading your post, I think you pretty much have a bead on her and know where she's coming from. Looks to me like she is just seeking the easiest path to living comfortably without putting forth much effort. I imagine it was okay for her until it became evident you expected her to make some effort, and then like you said, she ran home to the only ones who have to take her in.

 

I hope in time you won't look at the relationship as 3 wasted years. Usually, there's some good memories to look back on. Don't focus on those now, though. Just focus on going and doing things you like best and staying busy, and seeing friends. And then once you're ready, I bet you find someone who is a better match and will be more responsible.

[swfc_77]

Sorry you got the bad end of the stick in this deal. After reading your post, I think you pretty much have a bead on her and know where she's coming from. Looks to me like she is just seeking the easiest path to living comfortably without putting forth much effort. I imagine it was okay for her until it became evident you expected her to make some effort, and then like you said, she ran home to the only ones who have to take her in.

 

I hope in time you won't look at the relationship as 3 wasted years. Usually, there's some good memories to look back on. Don't focus on those now, though. Just focus on going and doing things you like best and staying busy, and seeing friends. And then once you're ready, I bet you find someone who is a better match and will be more responsible.

 

Thanks for the kind words buddy, it's a mixture of emotions and disappointments going on at the minute, I know in time I will be ok and I hope she is too, I hope if she has problems in the future she can learn to talk them out and stop running.

[swfc_77]

because thats what people start saying when they get hurt

before that you was happy looking and sleeping with her lazy ass and immaturity. so why complain or bash her now that it hurt you what she did?

if you did not like all of that why did ou stay with her or still complain that she left?

it look bad on you to talk like that about her.

 

and i dont think you where a angel in all this.

i get the impression that you find your self fantastic to speak up and

put a mirror in-front of people. that can also be seen as rude or without empathy .

its not always wise to speak what ever when ever you want.

 

take lesson out of it also to better your personality.

rather you did wrong or not as a result to her leaving.

 

even thou is weird that if a guy is good to you, why would you leave him

like that? people leave like that often when there was something going on

between you 2.

otherwise you at least find the girl crying saying stuff like i love or i dont want to leave you. etc.

 

any way happiness to you.

 

Thanks for the comments, I have never been happy at sleeping with her lazy ass so to speak and tried to encourage her to make the most out of life, wherever she is,

 

I have not suddenly started complaining, I have given her time and the chance to step up and take responsibility for herself, she hasn't, I asked her to contribute to the relationship and she hasn't.

 

I am no angel, believe me I have my bad points, we did fight and argue but nothing more than other couples, it wasn't the easiest relationship but I never said in any previous post it was.

 

This is why I'm here, there was no real clean cut reason for this happening, I am coming to the conclusion that she wants carrying in life and that's fair enough but I am not going to carry her, somebody else can.

 

I have worked hard on my own business in the last 3 years and concentrated on my own job and hobbies and my own things outside the relationship, I encouraged her to do the same, for some reason she did not.

 

Maybe she had confidence issues, maybe she was depressed.

 

I assume it's a natural progression when you get with a partner, you work together to build for a future you both want, we both said we wanted it.

 

If she doesn't pull her weight with me like couples do, what am I suppose to do.

 

A. Leave her to sit in bed, mope around and just say "yeah I do all hard work"

 

B. tell her if she wants these nice things in life with me kids, a home and marriage that she needs to work with me for them.

 

The relationship came to ahead, I took option B, I could have prolonged it by taking option A, but I would only be in the same situation in 12,18 months down the line.

 

There comes a time in life when you stand on your own 2 feet, step away from your family and make your own family, she obviously wasn't ready for this step, she might say she is but when it came to the crunch she wasn't.

 

She even wanted to buy pots and pans for "our house" a few months ago that's not a sign of someone who is being mentally tortured and abused, I think it's more a sign of someone who is childish with words, which at the time I believed.

 

Maybe the way she has gone and left is a sign of guilt, she may feels guilty for leading me on it's certainly easier to walk away and not look back when your running to your next destination.

[swfc_77]

I suppose it just comes down to different characteristics.

 

I obviously see things like this

 

She obviously sees them like that

 

It's a shame it didn't work, and I would have like a little more respect in the way it ended, I would have liked to think we could have worked it out and moved onto the next step and enjoyed

 

She will have to grow up one day and it's a shame it wasn't meant to be with me, because we had a good few laughs and I feel the relationship had a lot more life in it.

 

Spent 3 years talking and not a lot of doing.

 

Anyway I'm off for a beer, thanks for listening guys. Always appreciated.

[swfc_77]

I really miss her today, I woke up hungover and alone.

 

This is hard, she is now in NZ and I'm in UK, I never got the chance to say goodbye properly.

 

There is a 99.9999999% chance that I will never see her again or talk to her again.

 

The loneliness is a killer, the companionship was great.

 

People are forgetting and people are moving on, I am back to work tomorrow, but all I can think about is giving her a kiss before I go out the door.

 

I'm sat here now writing this, I'd usually be talking to her acting around and joking about, nobody to mess about with or make laugh.

[swfc_77]

Ignore my rambling a I need this out of my system.

 

How can people be so harsh, I can accept the break up, but why did she stay here for 3 years, if she wanted to go back to NZ why not just say.

 

If she was that desperate to go back I would have helped her myself.

 

I feel it was time wasted because she never really 100% wanted to be here! even thought she said otherwise.

 

As soon as she was offered the ticket, I became an option, this life she said she wanted became an option.

 

The relationship was worth £900.00.

 

It is the mornings that are the hardest, every day I set about convincing myself she was no good for me, at night I'm ok, then back to square one in the morning.

[somegoodman]

It is the mornings that are the hardest, every day I set about convincing myself she was no good for me, at night I'm ok, then back to square one in the morning.

 

I know that feel, like waking up with daggers in your chest.

 

Honestly though, you need to find the strength to let go. By all accounts this was a very low quality woman, you know she is so use that knowledge to get over her fast.

 

Coming here and reliving the failed relationship is probably not helping you, though I do understand the need for an outlet to vent your frustration.

[swfc_77]

Thanks, buddy, I will find it somewhere, just takes time and I need to appreciate what I do have, decent support, a good little business going, my health and good honest principals the latter is probably what got me into this mess.

 

I became very close to her family here in UK, they have been great to me through out this.

 

This is my 2nd break up, its hard because I know what's in front of me, it's tough but iv done it before.

[redbaron005]

As soon as she was offered the ticket, I became an option, this life she said she wanted became an option.

 

The relationship was worth £900.00.

 

Ouch, well its clear she is not clear in what she really wants. Your ex is going to find that trying to avoid responsibility on a regular basis is going to trap her into a corner, the exact thing she is seeking to avoid. It might be good to let her feel this out on her own.

 

I have a feeling you will hear back from her in due time. In the mean time, its about putting everything you got into your business and you. Make it so that you are so tired at night that you do not stay awake pinning over her. And perhaps lay off the drinks for a bit. I replaced them with stress relief tea.

[swfc_77]

Absolute rock bottom today, off work and have been to see a friend who was out.

 

People keep telling me things about her which they see on Facebook, I'm not on there.

 

People keep telling me about her leaving party (she worked at where I socialise)

 

Her UK family keep telling me she has made a mistake (false hope for me)

 

Iv seen a very devious side to her in the last months or 2, telling our friends to look after me and make sure I'm ok, but when I spoke to her last months she was cold and heartless on the phone.

 

She has thrown everything away and has a suitcase full of clothes, that's it.

 

I'm getting second hand information from everybody.

 

Those words will haunt me for a few months yet, I asked her if she wanted to see me before she went, "I'm not bothered, it's up too you"

 

Yeah thanks for the memories

[swfc_77]

I cannot escape it either.

 

We lived together, had the same friends (who she still talks too) her family want to remain friends, my best mate is her cousin, my neighbour still even talks to her.

 

She worked at the bar where I drink, with all my mates ( our mates ) they went to her leaving party, madness

 

One day she lived here with me and wanted kids and a life / the next she leaves me, work and emigrates to NZ

 

I can't understand how people can switch off so fast and without even discussing the options

 

Did she even love me?

 

Or was I the best option at the time?

 

The real kick in the teeth was the status she put on Facebook before she left, which a mate told me off the other day.

 

"I'm off on my new adventure, thanks to everyone at work for the great send off I'll miss you all"

 

Yeah great, I didn't even get a mention, bare in mind she lived here with me, my family made her welcome and all the gifts she took Xmas and b'days off us all are probably in the bin somewhere because she couldn't take much.

 

Her family wouldn't even send us an Xmas card or even her a b'days card.

 

I bought her a canvas picture of us both for Xmas, a really nice picture it cost me around £100, took a lot of effort and thought get, I spoke to her grandmother last week and asked what she had done with this picture.

 

"She has put it in the bin, I asked her if she wanted me to save it but she said no" it had not even come out of the protective film

 

Absolute heartless bitch