nc for 6 months. so conflicted

[hurt for loving]

Hey everyone. I was hoping to share my experience here and see if anyone had any advice etc. Hell, just to share this to see if anyone else has felt the same. So here we go.

 

I had been with my boyfriend for what would have been five years in November. He was my first everything. The first guy I let so far into my life and we were great together. We had a few problems but always worked through them. Last October after my friends wedding I asked him what he saw for us in the future. He then confessed he hadn't been happy for some time. We broke up for a while. I was miserable and wanted a face to face talk. That night we gave it another go. We had missed each other so much and he thought he had lost me. I made him promise that if he started feeling that way again he had to tell me and he agreed.

 

Everything seemed great. We talked all the time and pushed each other in what we loved. Recently he came over to hang out and seemed ok. Mid conversation he blurted out that he wasn't happy again and didn't love me like he should do. He did it again. After that time there were arguments and emails back and forth. First he didn't know why and he felt like he couldn't appreciate me. Then when I pointed out that I found out the first time was because his friend got married and he got nervous and the second time was after another wedding. He sent an email saying how we couldn't talk like his friends (we did) I never pushed him to be passionate about what he loves (I was the only one that did, from saying "don't worry about our date this weekend, you get to the workshop hon" or buying him books on guitar building etc)That I made him feel old (I tried everything to get him to have fun, even simple things like taking him to movies and dinners etc) That I didn't notice he wasn't feeling right (hard when they show no sign at all) and a real stinger for me was when he said we could pass the time with food or sex. That hurt. He was my first and sex was in no way "a way to pass time to me". To think about this and all the times he said he loved me etc it now seems cheap and useless. The very night before he dumped me he told me how he missed me and loved me. Then he let me go.

 

I know it sounds big headed but I figure A girl that loves you regardless of the fact you worry about being short and balding, that gives up so much so you can pursu your dream, that draws comics fir you just to make you laugh, that loves your family and friends who also lovebher back, likes seeing you play videogames and cuddling on the couch with dinner and a movie and dressing up for a night out was a good thing.

 

It has been a few months now but it still really hurts. This was my first love. My best friend. The guy I thought would always be there for me and vice versa. But no.

 

He left in July. There was no contact. I deleted all ways of contacting him and went to uni.

 

He recently emailed. He was wondering how I was. I cleared my chest and told him what he did was beyond ****. That he was wrong and that I was all that and more.

 

He apologised. That he was ashamed of what he had written and he was wrong. That he had been bottling things up until it was too late. That he was so down he wound up taking out a loan and moving to the other side of the world for a few months. He says he wants to be friends but will totally butt out if it's too hurtful. That theres no pressure.

He speaks about trying to be a better man but what gets me is that he couldn't do it for me. That some other woman will get what I had deserved. I admitted the idea of seeing him move on to someone else that I know will never be as good as me yet will get the "new and improved him" is a kick in the heart.

That I was simply the catalyst to guilt him into being a good guy. He said as he was blocked from my fb he googled me and regularly checks my pinterest again pointing out it was simply to find out if I was ok. He said in another email he wasn't writing to try crawl back and that he cared about me and respected me and whatever decision I made.

 

I wrote to him saying that the majority of his messages centred round apologising to me as a way to make him feel better and that I cannot fully accept his apology. He destroyed my trust. I was in love and would do anything for him without asking. It's just who I am. Whether going out, sitting on the couch with pizza and a movie or encouraging him to hang with his friends, go to his workshop or relax and play games. And he threw it away for a reason I still don't fully know or understand. I don't know what to do so I asked him to leave me alone for a while. Try again in the new year,

 

Anyway, I expected a fight and he just apologised again. He admitted he still sounded like a selfish and that there was no pressure or time frame. That his hand would be outstretched if I wanted to take it.

 

I am just so confused. It almost felt like talking to the guy I used to spend every day with. My friend believes he is being manipulative and doesn't understand why I would consider letting him back into my life. I feel so naive and don't know what to do. This was a guy I didn't go a day without hearing from him for almost five years. My other half and best friend.

 

Is he just saying he's not crawling back? so I don't think he is? How can someone I spoke to every day for almost five years and trusted and loved entirely cause so much pain and confusion? Why can't handle the idea of being his friend but also the idea that we will never talk again? So many issues to deal with... If only life were simple eh?

[hurt for loving]

I know the best thing is to move on and not contact him. I don't intend to. But I don't go a day without thinking about all this.

[hurt for loving]

He also said that the ball was in my court or hand? Argh can't get this out my head yet!