An unrequited love I can't shake off

[Meadowgreen]

Hi there, everyone

 

New to the forum so please be patient with me!

 

Just wondering if I could get you guys' advice on something. I'll try and keep it as succinct as possible.

 

10 years ago, I was 20 years old, living and working in NY (I'm originally from UK) and I became good friends with a guy I worked with, let's call him J. We became really close really fast but because he had a girlfriend (a psychotic one at that) nothing really happened between us apart from a few cheeky kisses on a night out once when they were broken up temporarily.

 

J was always telling me how beautiful I was, that I just needed the right guy to come along and love me like I deserved to be loved. Little by little my feelings deepened for him and I found myself confessing how I felt. He held my hand, told me he was flattered and honoured but circumstances meant his hands were tied (psycho gf was undergoing tests for cancer, though many of us suspected she was lying to keep J at her side) and that was that. He became distant over time, even a bit angry with me for confessing how I felt, and by the time I left for the UK we were barely talking. Needless to say I was heartbroken. Not only had I made a jackass of myself but I'd lost someone I considered my best friend.

 

I went on with my life, moved to Canada for work and had NC for 12 months when he emailed me out of the blue telling me that he and the wench were no more and that he was so sorry for breaking my heart. I, in my stupid "please please love me J" mode forgave him for hurting me and we became email friends of sorts, though we never spoke of my feelings for him again.

 

For what it's worth, I had my friend back, but the annoying thing was that every now and then J would drop in details about chicks he was pursuing or sleeping with, even going as far as asking advice on what to do about a girl he was falling in love with! Now, I don't know if he started doing this because I was dating people and he wanted to hurt me in some way, I really don't know. But if that's the case I just think it's really mean and callous of him if he never saw me as gf material.

 

FF to 2013, I've been in an LTR with a wonderful man, but J pops up from time to time to catch up, and always manages to sprinkle in details about all the women he's shagging that aren't me. He never asks me questions about my boyfriend so I really do think it's a case of him presuming everything's back to normal.

 

I do admit I'm guilty of a bit of Facebook stalking and I've found it so hard to deal with J's bragging that I'm debating deleting and blocking him, but is that just being mean? I should be over this by now, do I really have the right to be upset? I don't know what to do but I can't keep pretending I'm okay with this crap. I've accepted we'll never be and I've moved on to someone infinitely better but J gets under my skin like no one else can. :/

 

Sorry for rambling. Any advice greatly appreciated.

[Kansas87]

Ok, look at this objectively: Is this guy really ADDING anything to your life? Because it seems like you aren't even really friends anymore, he just likes to email you about how he's doing.

 

Why do you need that? What is this guy bringing into your life except pain?

 

Block him. Write him one last email if you want but ask him not to reply. Just say that you've enjoyed his friendship, but you feel uncomfortable hearing about his love/sex life all the time, and would prefer if you just parted ways from now on.

[okc85]

Well, it doesn't sound like you've really moved on. If you had moved on, you probably wouldn't be so affected by the things J tells you. Unrequited love is painful. I'm in a similar situation. I really loved this girl. She'd give me 'bread crumbs' and I'd stupidly hang on, just waiting for the magic moment for her to realize she wants to date me. It was never going to happen. It's never going to happen. We don't talk now. I miss her a lot, but I know the second she starts telling me about some girl she likes, I'm going to get upset.

 

I think you should tell J the truth. And don't you want to fully commit to your boyfriend? You can't until you let go of this J. He's not so great, really. Tell him to scram. Maybe someday in the distant future, you too can reconnect- maybe by then, you won't even want to. But for your own sanity, cut him lose.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

An unrequited love I can't shake off

 

 

I'm not sure that makes enough sense as written.

 

 

Given your words, I perceive that the "unrequited" part, as you see it, are your romantic feelings for him.

 

And yet you are seemingly trying to 'shake' (him) off.

 

 

IF the feelings are all unrequited, he will walk entirely out of your life, oh, say, ten years ago without so much as looking back!

[Meadowgreen]

Ok, look at this objectively: Is this guy really ADDING anything to your life? Because it seems like you aren't even really friends anymore, he just likes to email you about how he's doing.

 

Why do you need that? What is this guy bringing into your life except pain?

 

Block him. Write him one last email if you want but ask him not to reply. Just say that you've enjoyed his friendship, but you feel uncomfortable hearing about his love/sex life all the time, and would prefer if you just parted ways from now on.

 

Hey, thanks alot for taking the time to read.

 

In the grand scheme of things, he's really not contributing anything remarkable given the span of our friendship. For instance, recently I've been pretty ill and had to get hospital treatment for it. I've had friends I've known for mere weeks falling over themselves to let me know they cared. This guy? Not so much as a text.

 

And you're right. I don't feel uplifted when he emails. I find myself scanning to the inevitable part where he's bragging about some skank he's picked up like some kind of masochist (that's not me being horrible, btw. The women he picks up are literally lowest common denominator)

 

Yeah I'm thinking I will block him, I was just concerned that my doing so would seem out of the blue and uncalled for. I think I'll draft that email you've suggested.

 

Thanks again!

[Meadowgreen]

Well, it doesn't sound like you've really moved on. If you had moved on, you probably wouldn't be so affected by the things J tells you. Unrequited love is painful. I'm in a similar situation. I really loved this girl. She'd give me 'bread crumbs' and I'd stupidly hang on, just waiting for the magic moment for her to realize she wants to date me. It was never going to happen. It's never going to happen. We don't talk now. I miss her a lot, but I know the second she starts telling me about some girl she likes, I'm going to get upset.

 

I think you should tell J the truth. And don't you want to fully commit to your boyfriend? You can't until you let go of this J. He's not so great, really. Tell him to scram. Maybe someday in the distant future, you too can reconnect- maybe by then, you won't even want to. But for your own sanity, cut him lose.

 

No I've not, not 100%. I think I fooled myself that I did but like you said, I can't have moved on if I feel this uncomfortable every time he mentions some broad he's banging.

 

I'm really sorry to hear you went through a similar situaton and commend you for having the bravery to walk away. You deserve so much better than what was given to you, and if she knew how you felt, I think it's immensely cruel for her to babble on about people she actually wanted to get with. When you cut ties, did you write to her telling her why? How did you phrase it?

 

Yes you're absolutely right. I love my LTR partner so much and while J's around as this spectre I keep pining for, I can't give my feelings to my LTR 100%. J's not that brilliant, and I'm starting to see that. He's self-absorbed, self-esteem challenged and he's been doing the same crap (hanging out at NY's worst bars, getting high, banging trashy women) for as long as I've known him, where I've gone on to make a success of myself. I just feel annoyed now that he may have been keeping me around to inflate his ego and that just makes me look and feel pretty dumb :/

 

Again I want to say thanks so much for writing to me. You seem like a lovely person. I'm sure you'll find the happiness you deserve.

[Meadowgreen]

I'm not sure that makes enough sense as written.

 

 

Given your words, I perceive that the "unrequited" part, as you see it, are your romantic feelings for him.

 

And yet you are seemingly trying to 'shake' (him) off.

 

 

IF the feelings are all unrequited, he will walk entirely out of your life, oh, say, ten years ago without so much as looking back!

 

I'm trying to shake him off because I knew 10 years ago we could never be together (it would be a disaster for one thing) and yet my stupid heart, against all hope, still thinks he'll magically come to his senses and realise what a fool he was to let me get away.

 

See that's what it boils down to. It's a pride thing. I want the satisfaction of knowing I was right and he was wrong, and I'll never get that. Instead I get endless 'dear penthouse' stories from him like he's got nothing better to talk about. I'm not one of his dudes, I was a sweet young girl who thought he was the bees knees.

 

I know for a fact I could never be with this guy and have no desire to, but what infuriates me is his insensitivity to the love I used to feel for him. When I left NY I was headed for an awesome job in Canada, and I told him I would've given all of it up for him, yet he still let me go.

 

Am I right in suspecting he's been trying to make me jealous all this time?

 

Thank you for reading my post. Now I just need to figure out how to phrase this email telling him he's been a jerk and to sod off.

[Grumpybutfun]

Meadowgreen:

No , he isn't trying to make you jealous. SMH. You do not need to do anything. In fact the more you do, the sillier you are. This guy is a player who kept you strung along for his entertainment. You need to lose his e-mail, block him on every media outlet and concentrate on people who are actually giving you the time of the day and treating you well. Do not be one of those girls who loses out on good guys because you are pining after a player who wants to get his rocks off on telling you about his sex life. Not only is that inappropriate but he is basically wanking off to telling you this stuff.

 

If this is about your ego, you will never get what your ego needs which is validation. Why? Because it goes against everything he wants since he is getting his ego validated by you. If he gives that up and says he likes you or wants to be with you, you are no longer there to be his ego check. Therefore you have no purpose to him.

 

Figure out why you need a loser like this to validate you. You may need some counseling due to daddy issues or self-esteem problems.

Good luck,

Grumps

[clementyne]

Why even email him? Just hit block and let him wonder. And nope that's not being mean, it's being kind - to yourself.

[Meadowgreen]

Meadowgreen:

No , he isn't trying to make you jealous. SMH. You do not need to do anything. In fact the more you do, the sillier you are. This guy is a player who kept you strung along for his entertainment. You need to lose his e-mail, block him on every media outlet and concentrate on people who are actually giving you the time of the day and treating you well. Do not be one of those girls who loses out on good guys because you are pining after a player who wants to get his rocks off on telling you about his sex life. Not only is that inappropriate but he is basically wanking off to telling you this stuff.

 

If this is about your ego, you will never get what your ego needs which is validation. Why? Because it goes against everything he wants since he is getting his ego validated by you. If he gives that up and says he likes you or wants to be with you, you are no longer there to be his ego check. Therefore you have no purpose to him.

 

Figure out why you need a loser like this to validate you. You may need some counseling due to daddy issues or self-esteem problems.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Y'know it's interesting, I never even considered that this boils down to self-esteem issues I'm carrying around. Not to get too Freudian but yes, I do have issues when it comes to my father. He was absent for much of my life and now that we are in contact it's only sporadically. He's very emotionally immature and blatantly favours my younger half-sister over me (she's slimmer and prettier than me where I'm a bit on the fleshy side like my Mum. Not ugly but by no means a supermodel either).

 

It's also interesting because I must admit, at points in my life I've been guilty of foresaking good, attentive people for those who barely give me the time of day, and that makes me feel a bit ashamed.

 

So it's alright that I'm blocking him out of the blue with no real indication that he's upset me? I initially thought I should tell him why at first, given our history, but maybe that's just dragging things out for no reason.

 

Now I'm just pissed I've been kept around as something to stroke his ego-dick over. GROSS!!

[Meadowgreen]

Why even email him? Just hit block and let him wonder. And nope that's not being mean, it's being kind - to yourself.

 

Thank you. My finger's been hovering over the block button and I've get to bring myself to do it, WTF? >___<

[Meadowgreen]

I've written him a goodbye email, and I can't send it. Why the F*** can't I send it?

[Meadowgreen]

I sent the email. I blocked him and his brother. I feel f***ing amazing. Thank you, everyone!

[Am4Real]

Meadow,

 

I caught this old thread and read it through the end so my comments are moot at this point, however I appreciate your honestly in saying there was still a tad of interest for old “J”. We all have one of those from old work colleagues, to college friends and so on. You know, people we wish we could have had or should have had “at the time”.

 

The problem with our electronic society these days is that people from the past are accessible to us and vice versa. What once was a distant memory can be brought to the forefront with a few key strokes and a couple of clicks…it can take us back instantly to familiar faces and personalities and it takes nerve and persistence to pull oneself back into the present. You apparently have done this marvelously while your old colleague is lost in the past and yet lost in the present, at least it seems that way.

 

I liken his behavior to many on the dumbest thing I’ve even seen: Facebook.

 

I know plenty of unhappy people with hundreds and hundreds of online friends and profiles which seemingly illustrate the “best of times” in their life all the while they search for more stimulation. It is surely confusing and no disrespect meant for those which use the medium for rich full experience.

 

Again, apparently you have mastered the separation albeit with some good advice from this thread and your own willful mind.

 

I once had a similar experience such as yours, someone showing up from my past seemingly probing my life and using electronics to stimulate connection from days long gone. I simply said it was nice to hear that person was doing well in their life, however the lady I’m with now would not appreciate me communicating with someone I once had non-platonic feelings for and wished her the best. I never heard from her again! Maybe I got lucky, I don’t know. I don’t use FaceBook or other social media for a variety of reasons, this being one of them, however it seems they can find you anyway unless you straight out tell them where things are in life, presuming of course it’s what you really want and apparently you did.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and your outcome.

[Meadowgreen]

Meadow,

 

I caught this old thread and read it through the end so my comments are moot at this point, however I appreciate your honestly in saying there was still a tad of interest for old “J”. We all have one of those from old work colleagues, to college friends and so on. You know, people we wish we could have had or should have had “at the time”.

 

The problem with our electronic society these days is that people from the past are accessible to us and vice versa. What once was a distant memory can be brought to the forefront with a few key strokes and a couple of clicks…it can take us back instantly to familiar faces and personalities and it takes nerve and persistence to pull oneself back into the present. You apparently have done this marvelously while your old colleague is lost in the past and yet lost in the present, at least it seems that way.

 

I liken his behavior to many on the dumbest thing I’ve even seen: Facebook.

 

I know plenty of unhappy people with hundreds and hundreds of online friends and profiles which seemingly illustrate the “best of times” in their life all the while they search for more stimulation. It is surely confusing and no disrespect meant for those which use the medium for rich full experience.

 

Again, apparently you have mastered the separation albeit with some good advice from this thread and your own willful mind.

 

I once had a similar experience such as yours, someone showing up from my past seemingly probing my life and using electronics to stimulate connection from days long gone. I simply said it was nice to hear that person was doing well in their life, however the lady I’m with now would not appreciate me communicating with someone I once had non-platonic feelings for and wished her the best. I never heard from her again! Maybe I got lucky, I don’t know. I don’t use FaceBook or other social media for a variety of reasons, this being one of them, however it seems they can find you anyway unless you straight out tell them where things are in life, presuming of course it’s what you really want and apparently you did.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and your outcome.

 

Hey you!

 

Thanks so much for giving me some insight on this. Even though like you say I have dealt with it, it's still good to get some feedback and know that I'm not the only one.

 

Thank you for sharing your similar experience. It's amazing how they come crawling out of the woodwork, hey? I must admit, sending J that email (which I shouldn't even have bothered writing) was incredibly hard. I knew it needed to be done but it still hurt. It was like closing a door forever, although that door had closed years ago.

 

You absolutely hit the nail on the head in regards to my reconnecting with J. Seeing him there on my Facebook, remembering his smile and gestures that once made me weak at the knees, it was the most confusing feeling. It was bizarre to see that his life really hasn't progressed much at all - he's still chasing the same low-calibre women, still getting high or drunk every weekend, still avoiding relationships with stable, 'wife material' women (at first I felt smug about it but ultimately it made me sad....and also angry because he insisted on bragging about it which I still don't understand if he friendzoned me and knew I fancied him once, bit of a dick move on his part. I guess I was just an ego-stroke, which also sucked to realise :/)

 

Facebook is the absolute worst for this kind of stuff, and for people making their lives out to be far more exciting and successful than it truly is. I've been distancing myself from it as much as possible for those very reasons you described (it's difficult though because I work in social media and that literally involves lurking on Facebook, hahaha!)

 

The forum has been a brilliant source of guidance support. It helped me get over my own issue and actually understand alot of the baggage and self-esteem problems I was still contending with. It's also been nice to use my own insight to give others a helping hand too

 

Thanks again.

[Logan oO]

Hi there, everyone

 

New to the forum so please be patient with me!

 

Just wondering if I could get you guys' advice on something. I'll try and keep it as succinct as possible.

 

10 years ago, I was 20 years old, living and working in NY (I'm originally from UK) and I became good friends with a guy I worked with, let's call him J. We became really close really fast but because he had a girlfriend (a psychotic one at that) nothing really happened between us apart from a few cheeky kisses on a night out once when they were broken up temporarily.

 

J was always telling me how beautiful I was, that I just needed the right guy to come along and love me like I deserved to be loved. Little by little my feelings deepened for him and I found myself confessing how I felt. He held my hand, told me he was flattered and honoured but circumstances meant his hands were tied (psycho gf was undergoing tests for cancer, though many of us suspected she was lying to keep J at her side) and that was that. He became distant over time, even a bit angry with me for confessing how I felt, and by the time I left for the UK we were barely talking. Needless to say I was heartbroken. Not only had I made a jackass of myself but I'd lost someone I considered my best friend.

 

I went on with my life, moved to Canada for work and had NC for 12 months when he emailed me out of the blue telling me that he and the wench were no more and that he was so sorry for breaking my heart. I, in my stupid "please please love me J" mode forgave him for hurting me and we became email friends of sorts, though we never spoke of my feelings for him again.

 

For what it's worth, I had my friend back, but the annoying thing was that every now and then J would drop in details about chicks he was pursuing or sleeping with, even going as far as asking advice on what to do about a girl he was falling in love with! Now, I don't know if he started doing this because I was dating people and he wanted to hurt me in some way, I really don't know. But if that's the case I just think it's really mean and callous of him if he never saw me as gf material.

 

FF to 2013, I've been in an LTR with a wonderful man, but J pops up from time to time to catch up, and always manages to sprinkle in details about all the women he's shagging that aren't me. He never asks me questions about my boyfriend so I really do think it's a case of him presuming everything's back to normal.

 

I do admit I'm guilty of a bit of Facebook stalking and I've found it so hard to deal with J's bragging that I'm debating deleting and blocking him, but is that just being mean? I should be over this by now, do I really have the right to be upset? I don't know what to do but I can't keep pretending I'm okay with this crap. I've accepted we'll never be and I've moved on to someone infinitely better but J gets under my skin like no one else can. :/

 

Sorry for rambling. Any advice greatly appreciated.

 

Sorry if i'm a bit late to the party :/

 

Seems to me that this guy moved on long ago and now just considers you his 'goto' girl for advice, maybe he see's you like a sister.

My best 'girl' friend is someone i see like a sister and she see's me like a brother, so strictly platonic relationship.

 

It's hard to let go of someone who meant a lot to you. If you or anyone on here lived near me, i'd say we should all meet up and go for a beer ;P

 

Anyway back on topic. Delete the facebook, it may seem like an impossibility but once you block them, you are empowering yourself to move forward.

 

I look at things like this, even though i'm feeling better, i'm giving myself till new year to let out any residual feelings / negativity. After that, it's onward and upward.

New Year - New Start - 2014 is not going to be a year i start off unhappy

 

I'm 28 and a half, i still wonder if i'll meet anyone else, but i've never had a problem meeting women before, so i'm pretty confident i'll find the 'one' at some point. Until then i'm gonna take it easy Enjoy my Xmas and New years eve with my close friends at their house (best girl mates house) and have a good new year that isn't anything to do with my previous crappy relationship

[Meadowgreen]

Sorry if i'm a bit late to the party :/

 

Seems to me that this guy moved on long ago and now just considers you his 'goto' girl for advice, maybe he see's you like a sister.

My best 'girl' friend is someone i see like a sister and she see's me like a brother, so strictly platonic relationship.

 

It's hard to let go of someone who meant a lot to you. If you or anyone on here lived near me, i'd say we should all meet up and go for a beer ;P

 

Anyway back on topic. Delete the facebook, it may seem like an impossibility but once you block them, you are empowering yourself to move forward.

 

I look at things like this, even though i'm feeling better, i'm giving myself till new year to let out any residual feelings / negativity. After that, it's onward and upward.

New Year - New Start - 2014 is not going to be a year i start off unhappy

 

I'm 28 and a half, i still wonder if i'll meet anyone else, but i've never had a problem meeting women before, so i'm pretty confident i'll find the 'one' at some point. Until then i'm gonna take it easy Enjoy my Xmas and New years eve with my close friends at their house (best girl mates house) and have a good new year that isn't anything to do with my previous crappy relationship

 

Hiya,

 

Thanks for your advice. I think you're on the nose about him viewing me like a sister, which I thought I could deal with at first, but ultimately it looks like I could never make my old crush go away, not completely.

 

And yknow what else is bizarre? I'm way out of this dude's league, and that's not even me being big headed. I'm better looking, more successful, more popular and have aspirations. I guess my ego could never accept that he turned ME down, lol

 

J once said that he loved me too much to actually ever do anything with me, and I never understood how that could be true. I did some research into something called the Madonna/Whore complex - this is where certain dudes categorize women into two groups:

 

Madonnas - good girls that they consider kind, pure and 'wifey material', but feel no sexual attraction to

 

Whores - exactly what it says on the tin. Girls who can be 'sullied' by the act of sex and that they ARE attracted to.

 

Whether this applies to J or not, I really don't know, but it gave me some wierd kind of closure, lol. I could fully accept the 'sister' argument if J wasn't all over my Facebook pictures saing how hot, cute and beautiful was. If he thought I was this completely unattractive eunuch, I don't get why he would do that unless it was a complete ego-stroke!

 

I blocked his Facebook the day I started this thread. It's been two weeks now.

 

I think you've got a great attitude moving forward. Love and focus on yourself, spend time with friends and do what makes you happy. All the best for 2014!

[Logan oO]

I think you've got a great attitude moving forward. Love and focus on yourself, spend time with friends and do what makes you happy. All the best for 2014!

 

If you ever have the time or feel the need to look through my posted topic, you will see back in february i posted about my ex and how i progressed. She managed to get back in because back in May i still held on to 'hope' deep down and we were back on for a while, but about a month ago she ended it again.

 

Long story short, since then i've done my fair share of self pitying, moping around, thinking, worrying, obsessing.

That being said, recently i've begun to think more about 'me' and what i want and who i am.

 

He doesn't have to be sexually attracted to you to think you are beautiful, like you say 'madonna complex' it's to help you feel good about yourself. But all that has done in the past is given you false hope within yourself.

 

As for my attitude, i guess i just got bored of being miserable constantly and telling my story to whoever i could, just because talking about it, made me feel an inch better.

Truth is, i don't give a crap no more. It feels good I want to drive by the end of next year

 

My advice, party this year out over xmas and new year, let go of the past.

 

You cannot change the past or undo any of it.

You can only shape what happen from now on

[Ms.Cali]

I can honestly relate to your story. I had a similar experience with a man 2 years ago. So similar that his name too started with J & his wife (although claiming they were in a middle of a divorce), suddenly was diagnosed with cancer and he needed to be by her side even tho he claimed he "loved" me. I stayed patient for about 9 months, but as my head started to clear I began to see holes in his story. I eventually stopped returning his calls. The roller coaster and waiting became too much for me. To this day, I don't know if he was telling the truth or totally messing with my mind. All I can say is take some time to clear your head and really think. I feel like if a man really wants to be with a woman, they will endure whatever it takes to makes it happen. If they keep stalling, they aren't as in love as they claim. Good luck. I hope it turns out better for you than it did for me.

[Meadowgreen]

If you ever have the time or feel the need to look through my posted topic, you will see back in february i posted about my ex and how i progressed. She managed to get back in because back in May i still held on to 'hope' deep down and we were back on for a while, but about a month ago she ended it again.

 

Long story short, since then i've done my fair share of self pitying, moping around, thinking, worrying, obsessing.

That being said, recently i've begun to think more about 'me' and what i want and who i am.

 

He doesn't have to be sexually attracted to you to think you are beautiful, like you say 'madonna complex' it's to help you feel good about yourself. But all that has done in the past is given you false hope within yourself.

 

As for my attitude, i guess i just got bored of being miserable constantly and telling my story to whoever i could, just because talking about it, made me feel an inch better.

Truth is, i don't give a crap no more. It feels good I want to drive by the end of next year

 

My advice, party this year out over xmas and new year, let go of the past.

 

You cannot change the past or undo any of it.

You can only shape what happen from now on

 

I took a look through your old posts (liked a few too, which was pretty creepy of me in hindsight, hahaha), it's really remarkable to track your progress since then. I'm sorry things didn't pan out with your ex, but at least now you can say "well we gave it a shot, and I definitely can move on now to bigger better things".

 

You're absolutely right about him not needing to be attracted to me to find me beautiful. Again, I could've been content with that if it wasn't for the countless times I caught him checking my ass out and turning scarlet when I called him out on it (jokingly) or like I say, leaving a flurry of flirty comments on my facebook literally like "hmm I can so see that sexy haircut teamed with a french maid outfit ;)" I mean talk about messing with someone's head.

 

I do know what you mean though about actually boring yourself as well as everyone else by going on about it.

 

My social card is pretty packed straight into the new year so I fully intend on having some fun with good peeps, good food and good wine. Hope you make it a good one too!

[Meadowgreen]

I can honestly relate to your story. I had a similar experience with a man 2 years ago. So similar that his name too started with J & his wife (although claiming they were in a middle of a divorce), suddenly was diagnosed with cancer and he needed to be by her side even tho he claimed he "loved" me. I stayed patient for about 9 months, but as my head started to clear I began to see holes in his story. I eventually stopped returning his calls. The roller coaster and waiting became too much for me. To this day, I don't know if he was telling the truth or totally messing with my mind. All I can say is take some time to clear your head and really think. I feel like if a man really wants to be with a woman, they will endure whatever it takes to makes it happen. If they keep stalling, they aren't as in love as they claim. Good luck. I hope it turns out better for you than it did for me.

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with this dude and can see where it could be a difficult situation for both you and him, provided like you say, his wife was truly dealing with cancer treatment. I dearly hope he was being honest with you as that's a pretty sick individual who lies about something like that!

 

I've had 10 years to think. Loving him has only ever caused me pain and regret, and a part of me might love him for the rest of my life, but it will be something I keep in the deepest part of myself. That's all I can do if I'm to move forward.

 

Best of luck to you too.

[Meadowgreen]

hi meadowgreen,

 

i think there's a lot more going on with this, given the time frame of 10 years i wouldn't write it off as simple as blocking him, he's not worthy, he's a player, etc.

 

it's significant he went through cancer with his wife/gf, & i think that's likely coming into play with your recent health problems & may have been an opportunity to give him a chance to discuss some of his vulnerabilities, which i don't see him able to show in any of the posts.

 

however, the power differential from the beginning--his being in a relationship where you had comparatively less relationship experience--likely left a vestige of imbalance in need of rectifying, hence the blaming (no doubt, some rightful & totally justified) of him.

 

the time & distance put a lot of fragments in your relationship, so these issues couldn't easily be identified, let alone discussed & mended.

 

you developed a kind of subtext, a special language together to cope with the time & distance.

 

in my view, the resistance to block him was telling you to once & for all try to create that honest & mutually beneficial dialogue with him, that blocking him would sabotage the opportunity.

 

his foibles about sharing raunchy stories with you & picking the wrong women actually look like cries for help & reconciliation to me.

 

just my 2 cents.

 

 

j

 

His gf had lied about things to him before (the fact she was still married, the fact she had a girlfriend when she started dating him, plus flurries of smaller lies such as things going missing and money being spent) that, as terrible as it sounds made us doubt her. I do think she was genuinely ill, but their relationship was incredibly toxic. She would physically and emotionally abuse him and argue with his family constantly. It was just a huge mess.

 

 

You're right, I was sad he didn't show me the same concern as I have done to him throughout our friendship, and I told him as much in the final email I sent to him. I'm at a point in my life where I'm being pretty brutal in regards to 'trimming the fat' with people who just seem to take from me without giving anything back.

 

 

It's true though, we've never really defined what we mean to one another. We're not just buddies or exes or anything like that. I think what I find hard to forgive is the fact that J told me he felt like we were soulmates and that he knew if we got together it would be forever, and the thought of that terrified him. I mean, how cruel? How do you tell a naive 20 year old girl "oh I'm feeling this insane connection too but it's never going to come to anything because of reasons, kthxbye".

 

 

Yes, this isn't your typical obligatory Swingers scene NC and everything's hunky dory scenario, but for me, NC was the only way to go. It's like a wound that keeps cracking open every time we cross paths, and not seeing him or talking to him again is the only way I can heal. It's not my job to answer his cries for help or reconciliation, it's his job to man the **** up, ditch the drugs and skanks and get his act together if he's ever going to be happy in life.

 

 

Thank you for your input and reading my story, I appreciate it.

[Meadowgreen]

I'm sorry things went down the way they did with that person you felt such intense feelings for, and can imagine how overwhelming that was. What you said reminds me alot of what our bond is/was like, and I think both our experiences with love were very hollow until we met one another.

 

I'm an atheist so I don't believe in soul mates or anything like that anymore, but I can say that no one effected me as profoundly as he did. If he feels bitter about me 'deserting him', that's entirely his perogative (much like it was his perogative to desert me in Manhattan during the blackout of 2003 so he could go bang some broad behind his gf's back).

 

No one else is going to protect my heart other than me, so them's the breaks. I won't spend another evening sobbing in the shower over a man I can never, ever be with. It's not fair to me, the wonderful man I actually DO share my life with, or J.

 

Thanks again. Please know that any curtness you may be picking up in my posts have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that I trying with every fibre in my being not to cry right now.

[whichwayisup]

That guy is a player and probably a narcissist, totally aware of how you felt about him and he took advantage, used your feelings against you, manipulated you. People who do this are cruel and really messed up, but they hide it well. How many times did he make you question yourself? How many times did you ignore the red flags and let your emotions rule over your better judgement?

 

You did the best thing for yourself by blocking him.

[Am4Real]

Meadow,

 

A few posters tagging on have opinions on J.

 

I'm of the mindset anyone forming an opinion on J's intentions or his character are doing so based on your description of him alone. I don’t believe you asked the board to categorize J, rather you asked for advice on how to deal with his reentry into your life and should you "Block and Ignore" him electronically.

 

Such advice was given and you took action. I thought we can leave J alone now and consider any assumptions on his intentions a rather moot point in my opinion not to mention it appears OT in someways.

 

Meadow, what are your thoughts? Are you all good?

Edited December 2, 2013 by Am4Real