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How are you coping today?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 15th February 2017, 6:36 AM   #6901
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Yep I 3rd that. The day itself wasn't too bad, but I had an awful night. I barely slept, felt nauseous and just couldn't shake the thoughts of what could have been, what should have been. Seemingly meaningless little memories of nothing particularly special came into my mind without me consciously thinking of them. How the person I knew from 2010 to 2015 changed so dramatically to the person I saw in 2016. I had immovable faith in us, that she was different. I was certain she wouldn't hurt me, especially not intentionally. It's almost like my brain just cannot handle that faith being shattered. I still can't even imagine being intimate with anyone else.

What little sleep I did get, I dreamt about her again. That really sucks. I rarely remember my dreams, but when I do, she is always in it.

I feel like I've not really moved forward at all in 6 months as far as my feelings for her are concerned. I've tried everything I can think of, nothing works. In this case, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. I long for the day when she isn't my first thought in the morning, and my last thought at night. I thought that would have happened by now. I'm sure she hasn't given me a second thought, and I'm just a distant memory already. If only she would become a distant memory to me.

I keep thinking that I want to write her a hand written letter, sent the old fashioned way. I know it's way too soon for that though. I'm pretty sure she is still angry at me, though for what exactly I still don't know. The break up still makes zero sense to me. I have told myself that if I still want to write to her at Xmas, I will. All I can do is try to get on with my life until then, and hope that by Xmas I won't feel the need to write to her anymore.
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Old 15th February 2017, 1:49 PM   #6902
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Originally Posted by StrangerThanFiction View Post
This. This right here. I was trying to find a way to describe how I was feeling tonight but I couldn't put it into words. But you did it, Logo. Then, the Neil Diamond song that said the rest. I know this probably doesn't mean anything, but thank you for sharing your experience.
It means a lot. Thanks for sharing and you're welcome.
May you meet the right person soon.
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Old 16th February 2017, 1:14 PM   #6903
 
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'Forgive but do not forget, or you will be hurt again.‬
‪Forgiving changes the perspectives. ‬
‪Forgetting loses the lesson.‬'


- Paulo Coehlo
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Old 16th February 2017, 2:00 PM   #6904
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I'm not. My ex of 7.5 months blocked me 4 days ago to take a break from all the stress. It's been 2 days NC. I'm not doing good today. I'm wiping tears as I type this.

I've said it before, I feel so lost and lonely. I feel like I lost my best friend. He was my emotional support and now it's gone.
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Old 16th February 2017, 2:02 PM   #6905
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Originally Posted by DarrenB View Post
'Forgive but do not forget, or you will be hurt again.‬
‪Forgiving changes the perspectives. ‬
‪Forgetting loses the lesson.‬'


- Paulo Coehlo
DarrenB,

The timing of your post is interesting. I was just thinking about that yesterday.

I'm finding it easier to forget than to forgive. I haven't completely erased it from my memory. It will always be there. But how does one forgive an ex who so boldly betrayed his trust? Whenever I try to forgive I think of how she lied to me. I think about her in bed with that piece of ****.

It's actually good to remember this side of her, the real side that was selfish and didn't care how her actions hurt other people. That's the side that was hiding under the surface all along, a narcissistic manipulator. It helps me leave her in the past and say, "Good riddance".
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Old 16th February 2017, 2:11 PM   #6906
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Originally Posted by academicmoss View Post
I'm not. My ex of 7.5 months blocked me 4 days ago to take a break from all the stress. It's been 2 days NC. I'm not doing good today. I'm wiping tears as I type this.

I've said it before, I feel so lost and lonely. I feel like I lost my best friend. He was my emotional support and now it's gone.
You're not alone. The immediate shock makes us all feel lost and lonely. If he blocked you to "take a break", then you don't need a person like that in your life. You deserve someone who loves you and you will find that person.

There are thousands of people on here who don't know you personally, but care about you. Be kind to yourself. Go for a short walk. It's amazing what it can do to lift up your spirits.

Write as much as you want on here and share. This is your safe haven.
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Old 16th February 2017, 2:41 PM   #6907
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Originally Posted by academicmoss View Post
I'm not. My ex of 7.5 months blocked me 4 days ago to take a break from all the stress. It's been 2 days NC. I'm not doing good today. I'm wiping tears as I type this.

I've said it before, I feel so lost and lonely. I feel like I lost my best friend. He was my emotional support and now it's gone.
You won't see it now. You won't see it in the near future. One day you will see that he did you a favour.

I was in your shoes once and couldn't bare the thought of blocking her because she was my best friend too. One day we had an argument and she pulled the trigger. It brought out a person in me that I'd never seen before.

I struggled but as time will do, started to see things in a different light. I'm 6 months since that happened and I can tell you that I'm a completely different person than I was back then.

Best of luck.
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Old 16th February 2017, 3:53 PM   #6908
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Thanks for the replies. I know why he blocked me. He thought I did something that I didn't do. He suffers from BPD (I'm pretty sure) and had a hard time trusting. We had been fighting alot and he told me on Saturday he needed to take a break. He blocked me on Sunday after he thought I paused my location on Facebook. Truth is, my phone died, and it showed I was in the last location all night and the next day. When my phone died, I came straight home and used my tablet so my location never did update until I turned my phone back on. He always thought the worst and it was like pulling teeth to convince him otherwise. I found out that's why he blocked me. I hate he feels that way and I understand why he blocked me thinking I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be, but all he had to do was ask me.

Anyway, he initiated contact Tuesday night in which I replied out of anger. He didn't reply. It's now been 2 days of NC. He said in the text that he wants to trust me but that it's hard and stressful. When I replied I kind of went off, telling him he needs help and that instead of going to therapy like I asked, he chose to let his thoughts and anger take control. I'm just sticking to nc now and it's extremely hard. I feel like a lost puppy that has no idea which direction to go.
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Old 16th February 2017, 4:16 PM   #6909
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DarrenB,

The timing of your post is interesting. I was just thinking about that yesterday.

I'm finding it easier to forget than to forgive. I haven't completely erased it from my memory. It will always be there. But how does one forgive an ex who so boldly betrayed his trust? Whenever I try to forgive I think of how she lied to me. I think about her in bed with that piece of ****.

It's actually good to remember this side of her, the real side that was selfish and didn't care how her actions hurt other people. That's the side that was hiding under the surface all along, a narcissistic manipulator. It helps me leave her in the past and say, "Good riddance".
I feel bad for writing "Good riddance". It's such a roller coaster of emotions. But I know I'm better off.
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Old 16th February 2017, 5:17 PM   #6910
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Better day today. Yesterday was horrible. Just a delayed reaction from Valentine's I guess. It had been building for a couple of days so I looked at some photos to get me in "that" place, let it out, cried my heart out, felt like **** all day, got an early night and woke up feeling stronger and more positive today.

I seem to be in this cycle where I have this stoic determination for a while. It's not celebratory or happy or "Woohoo I'm so much better off!". More like "Well I did all I could do. It's up to her now. I can't change anything". Then something happens to make me start thinking, and then it builds and builds over a few days when everything reminds me of her, and then I just lose a whole day sinking into a pit of despair. Then the next day I'm back to stoicism again.

When I look back to this time last year, or more recently, October, I can see that I have made progress, albeit much slower than I would like. I was a mess pretty much every day back then. Yesterday was the first time in around 6 weeks, I think. I'm making a conscious effort to stay in the present.

Tomorrow I say goodbye to a dear old friend. It is time for us to part ways as they are no good for me. I've always known it, yet my addiction to them kept me coming back for more. I will miss you tobacco, but I have to do it for my well being. I want to see my boy grow into a man.

Striking similarities with my ex really.
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Old 17th February 2017, 12:41 PM   #6911
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I don't know what "stage" I'm in these days, it gets confusing. I have accepted we are over, I have moved on and am doing everything I can to be ok again. I feel pretty much indifferent to things like imagining her with someone else. Yet I still love her, and I still have this feeling that our story isn't over yet. It's irrational and illogical, but I don't know how to shake it off. It's been over a year already, how long am I going to feel this way, 2 years? 3 years? Longer?

A month seems to pass as a week to me nowadays, everything is moving so much more quickly than when I was young, and at my age I feel I'm running out of time. But I can't fall in love with anyone else while I'm still in love with her.

I still think of her everyday, but not as much or as intensely, nor with the same sadness as before. But I still miss her, and I miss little things like the way she moved, the way her voice sounded, her beauty, her scent, and her intelligence.

I still wish she would reach out to me sometimes, it would show wether she thinks about me as much as I do her, which I doubt very much. Not having her friendship leaves one of the biggest holes in my life.

I have fleeting moments of sudden panic and sadness at the realisation that I probably won't see or hear from her again for the rest of my life, but most of the time I'm ok and accept that.

I feel totally ambivalent about it all, which is confusing and unhelpful.

One thing I do know is she is the love of my life, and unless I meet someone incredibly amazing who ticks all the boxes she did, she always will be.
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Old 17th February 2017, 3:04 PM   #6912
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Wuku, I think I'm on the same curve as you, just further behind. I'm only 6 months post BU, and she is still on my mind the whole time. Most of the time she is in the background thoughts but several times a day she will force herself into the foreground thoughts, and there the ruminating can start.

The rational side of me knows it was a highly dysfunctional relationship by the end, which is odd in itself as for the first 2 years or more I thought it was probably the most functional relationship I had ever had. I struggle massively with how it turned out to be far more toxic than I have ever experienced before. My emotional side says to hell with logic and rationality. I love her and try as I might to not love her, I still do.

I feel like my time is short also. I'm in my mid 40s and it took until I was 38 to meet this woman. I doubt I have another 38 years.
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Old 17th February 2017, 6:25 PM   #6913
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Wuku, I think I'm on the same curve as you, just further behind. I'm only 6 months post BU, and she is still on my mind the whole time. Most of the time she is in the background thoughts but several times a day she will force herself into the foreground thoughts, and there the ruminating can start.

The rational side of me knows it was a highly dysfunctional relationship by the end, which is odd in itself as for the first 2 years or more I thought it was probably the most functional relationship I had ever had. I struggle massively with how it turned out to be far more toxic than I have ever experienced before. My emotional side says to hell with logic and rationality. I love her and try as I might to not love her, I still do.

I feel like my time is short also. I'm in my mid 40s and it took until I was 38 to meet this woman. I doubt I have another 38 years.
We are of a similar age, I'm in my late 40's. I think this age is a worse time for breakups than when I was younger. I don't doubt how much a break up hurts at any age, but when I was young I had my whole life in front of me, and the chances of meeting someone new was a lot higher then. Now I'm approaching 50 and I rarely get out much, and the chances of meeting someone else is much less likely. On top of that there is the fact I still love my ex, and that she was almost perfect for me personally. So somebody new would have a lot of ground to make up, which isn't fair on them, but I can't help it. I had the best as far as I'm concerned, and that is a lot to live up to, although I realise my expectations are probably to high. Then there's the issue of trust, and having to start a relationship from scratch all over again, and hope it doesn't go downhill at some point in the future.

Maybe I'm overthinking this, and worrying to much, but it doesn't seem likely to me that I will find someone else. Even if I manage to overcome my admittedly unfair expectations (driven that way by my ex), I'm not the type of person to be with someone just because I'm lonely and crave company. I do very well on my own, which is lucky, and I will only be with someone I really enjoy and love. I guess I limit my own chances even further, and I'm certainly no great catch, so it doesn't help. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but the future isn't looking rosy.

In a little over 20 years, I will be in my 70's, and that doesn't feel far into the future. My daughter is 20 this year, and those 20 years have flown by. It feels like my time for love, and being able to enjoy that love in all ways, is running out. I'm only going to get older and less able bodied, and there's nothing I can do about that. But as I say, i can be pessimistic, and I spend to much time overthinking. A lot of people will say to me "well you are only in your forties, you are still young!". I just wish I felt that way!
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Old 17th February 2017, 7:30 PM   #6914
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I know where you're coming from. Trust has never been an issue for me before, but it is now. I'm hoping it's just a phase, but I feel like I gave absolutely everything of myself to my ex, and it still ended in heartbreak. I'm just not sure I have the energy to do it all again.

But then, without a special somebody to share it all with, whats the point?

I'm starting to wonder if this heartbreak was a step too far. It does feel odd to be this age and this feeling being so new. I've been hurt before of course. Anyone that gets to 40 and hasn't is a lucky person indeed. But never anything like this. Never to the point of feeling like giving up on relationships altogether.

Best wishes to you buddy.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:21 PM   #6915
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I thought, after years of waiting, I'd found that special someone. Evidently I was wrong.
I too am unsure if I want to go through it all again. It reminds me of a line from one of my favourite films:

Lo Pan: "There have been others, to be sure. There are always others. But you know, Mr. Burton, the difficulties between men and women. How seldom it works out? Yet we all keep trying, like fools".

Best wishes to you too my friend.

Last edited by Wuku; 17th February 2017 at 9:33 PM..
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