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Mixed Feelings After Moving in With New Girlfriend


mark2

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Hi,

 

I've posted on here before and found the advice really helpful so am hoping that someone can make sense of how I am feeling.

 

About a year ago (Aug 2012) I separated from my wife of 3 years (living together for 8) as I was growing more and more out of love with her and I couldn't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. In the November of that year I really wanted to give the marriage another chance and realized I was too hasty in us breaking up. We decided to give it another try. We had however both had casual relationships within our break up period.

 

I was 100% committed in trying to make things work in our marriage although I think I had burnt my bridges by originally breaking up in the first place. My wife didn't show me much affection, didn't want to go to a marriage Councillor when I suggested one and she ended up cheating on me which she has said herself was more of a revenge affair. We decided to separate for a 2nd time in early May 2013.

 

In July 2013 I met a woman that turned my world upside down and made me feel like I have never felt before. We get on really well and love each other so much. I felt happy for the first time in a long time.

 

We lived quite far away from each other so we decided that it makes sense to move in with each other.

 

This happened on the weekend just gone (21st Sep). When we were moving I was constantly finding things that reminded me of my ex. CD's that I made her, screensaver on my computer, marriage certificates. I am now feeling really depressed and am questioning me and my new girlfriend's relationship. I can't get the feeling that I made a huge mistake by asking her to move in with me out of my head.

 

My question is, is it normal to have these feelings? And if it is, how long do they last? If it isn't normal, how long should I give the relationship?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Many thanks

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Sounds like you're in a rebound and trying to hide from your past feelings. It's normal for things to remind us of our past, but not for them to have the affect that they are having on you. It's been 4 days and you're already rethinking the relationship. What seems to have happened is that moving in made it too "real" and you don't seem to be ready for real, you were having too much fun in the fantasy world.

 

The healthy thing to do would be to not be in any serious relationship until you have fully healed from the end of your marriage.

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I completely agree with Philosoraptor.

 

I remember stumbling upon things from my last relationship that I thought had long been destroyed/stored away when packing to move in with my current girlfriend. I remember they made me think about the past relationship and I even remembered some of the good times from that relationship.......... however, none of it was enough to make me question the new relationship. Yes, the old relationship had many good points but, ultimately, it was poisonous and it took her leaving me to realise that she was no good for me. The new girl (current girlfriend) was (is) a far better match for me and, despite those thoughts of the past, my mind was ultimately set on the future.

 

I think you really need to reconsider your new relationship, and soon, before you get too entrenched, especially having moving in together. By this point in a relationship (i.e moving together) you should either be at a point where thoughts of your ex don't stir emotions, or, the new woman is so amazing and rocks your boat enough for you to say "ha ha, what ex?". You appear to be neither of those, suggesting that this is a rebound and that you're really not ready for this.

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Thank you both for your response. I should also add that I suffer from OCD quite severely and was in counselling for 6 months along with medication last year. Its very hard for me to completely trust the feelings I have as I don't know if its my feelings telling me how I feel, or my OCD. Would your answer still be the same in light of this?

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First off, it's generally not a great idea to move in with someone after 2 months of dating. But, I figure you realize that now.

 

I can't really tell whether you're rebounding or whether you're just getting cold feet from moving too fast. Perhaps a combination of both.

 

Now that you're already in it, though, you have to choose between leaving, or giving it a bit more time and seeing if things get better (since if it was a momentary case of cold feet it'll pass with time).

 

Can you not talk to your counselor about this and see if it is a manifestation of OCD?

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I'd give it a couple of months, personally. But that's because I don't even get into relationships unless I feel that that person is REALLY worth a shot, so spending a few more months to be sure would be sensible to me, rather than risking cutting the cord prematurely.

 

If you feel differently, probably less than that.

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Thanks Elswyth, I was hoping you would say something like that. I don't want to end it prematurely and then realise in a couple of weeks what a mistake I have made.

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