LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

How do I cope/heal after being cheated on?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Old 8th July 2004, 1:41 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: San Diego
Posts: 2
How do I cope/heal after being cheated on?

Last week my BF (of 7 yrs) went out to a bar with his buddy (who had just moved in with us a month earlier). He told me that he would be home by 1:30AM. When he wasnít home by 2:45 I began to worry. When I finally got in touch with him, he said he was still at the bar waiting for his friend to come back and get him. I could tell that he was severely intoxicated and he wasnít making sense at all, so I went and picked him up. He was beyond drunk and I have ever seen him like that, one side of his face was drooping, he was kinda drooling, and his eyes looked so swollen, he couldnít even form complete sentences/thoughts. Anyway, when we got home he passed out on the couch (or so I thought). I went upstairs to get ready for work. And when I came back downstairs 20 minutes later he was gone. Then I heard it, the sexual noises coming from his friendís bedroom, including his voiceÖ

At that moment I was struck with complete horrorÖ the door was slightly open. I walked in to find him behind a girl who was on top of his buddy. Yep, they were having a threesome in our home (when his girlfriend, son, and mother were ALL home).

It took every ounce of my strength to walk into that room WITHOUT a baseball bat and to not start swinging at all of them. The only reason I didnít was I was terrified that I might actually KILL someone. I have never been so hurt, angry, and scared of myself. I felt as if I could have easily ripped all three of them apart with my bare hands. And when I confronted them, all he could say was ďwant to join in?Ē as he almost fell over since he was too drunk to stand.

I proceeded to kick them all out somehow without laying a hand on any of them (donít ask me how, because Iím still amazed at the amount of restraint I demonstrated). He refused to leave, so a loud argument ensued. I screamed at him, I was so shocked, angry, and hurt. I screamed so loud that I woke up his 11 year old son who then heard everything and ran crying to grandmaís room.

Well to make a very long story short I kicked him and his buddy out of the house for good. I had his son with me for awhile and have now sent him to ďvacationĒ with family for a few weeks.

I have had some contact with him (mostly to make arrangements for his son). He claims he doesnít remember very much, just bits and pieces from about 12:30 that night until 10AM the next day. He claims he has no idea why or how it happened, yet accepts full responsibility for his actions. Heís written me a long letter professing his love and swearing that he will search the earth to find out why he did this and to win me back. He has sent flowers, other gifts, e-mails, etc.

I am utterly dumbfounded. But I donít think I am reacting in a ďnormalĒ manner. And by that I mean Iím pretty emotionless considering I just lost my best friend, my lover, my family and my home. Anger creeps in every once in a while, I may cry a little, but for the most part Iím just numb and dazed. Itís like the raw emotions havenít even set in, so Iím not sure how to begin the healing process?

The bottom-line is that Iím just frozen. I donít feel anything for very long except maybe emptiness. How do I begin to cope with this?
surfgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2004, 1:49 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Debster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: CANADA
Posts: 1,035
Jeez. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I must admit you showed a lot of restraint. I too, would have had a hard time not ramming a coat hanger up all of their as%es! Anyways, you were very strong and knew that you deserved better. To me, that shows that you will get passed this. Granted, it will be hard and it will piss you off, etc. But you seem like a strong woman who won't put up with crap.

I suspect that the reason you aren't feeling much is because you are numb and in shock. I think in time, the anger and hurt will come. For now, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to heal.

I feel for you.
__________________
______________________________
Debster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2004, 2:03 PM   #3
Unconfirmed Account
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 514
Ok, so do you love this man or what? I don't get it. You say yourself that he was drunk out of his mind. He probably had no idea whatsoever what he was doing -- says now that he doesn't remember much. OK, he screwed up big time. Has he ever screwed around on you before? Does he have a drinking problem. Are there other serious issues in your relationship?

I see that you have ample cause to be incredibly angry with him, even concerned that he's get so drunk that he'd loose control and do something so uttery stupid. But is this really sufficient cause to end a seven year relationship in the span of a few minutes?

Anyone who has read my posts will know that I have no use for cheaters, but in this case, I think you are being a bit rash unless there are other circumstances. He is trying to get you to forgive him and, based on what you say, he is truly sorry. I'm not suggesting that you give him a big, sloppy kiss, and "it's ok, sweatheart. don't give it another thought." But I think you should at least sit down with him and maybe get some couples therapy. It's go9ing to tak awhile for you to get over your anger, but I think if you were to look at this a bit differently, you might realize that you are angry about the wrong thing.

Maybe I don't have enough information.
StartingAgain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2004, 2:26 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Debster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: CANADA
Posts: 1,035
I disagree StartingAgain,

He was having a threesome in their house with no protection and based on the logistics it sounds like he was banging her through the brown eye. If he was that drunk, how could he have been up to the task?

Darn tooting she should have kicked him out.
Debster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2004, 2:39 PM   #5
Unconfirmed Account
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 514
I understand what you are saying, Devster, and agree with you that she exercised remarkable restraint. I've never been so drunk that I've done anything I wouldn't do while sober. But I have seen this happen. One of my best friends in college got drunker than I'd ever seen anyone get at a party one. He started hitting on my girlfriend, groping her, trying to take her clothes off. She extracted herself and kept away from him. Not to long afterward, he passed out. The next day, someone told him what he'd done. He called both me and her and was horrified at his behavior. Seems a friend had called him atold him how lucky he was I didn't pound him into the ground. Another time, I was at a friend's wedding and his mother, who was clearly gone over the edge, asked me to dance with her. Well, I didn't want to dance with a woman so incredibly drunk, but it was my friend's mother and his wedding. So I agreed. Before I knew what was happening, she was all over me, had unzipped my and was fondling me on the dance floor. I extracted myself and my friend was flabbergasted. He's never seen his mother do *anything* like that. But he's alos never seen his mother so drunk either. He talked to her about the incident later and she had no memory of it. Peaple will do things they would never otherwise do when they've got so drunk they no longer really know what's going on around them.

Who says just because you are stoned drunk, you can't perform. That happens sometimes, but most guys can function just fine unless they are unconcious.

I think I would have kicked him out that night too. But if I loved him, I would be willing to listen to him now. That doesn't mean that this can be fixed, but seven years is a long time and a lot of investment to throw away for the sake of a single drunken indescretion.
StartingAgain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2004, 5:33 PM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: San Diego
Posts: 2
To answer you questions StartingAgainÖ yes I do love him, very much. No he has never cheated before (that I know of). But he did have some inappropriate e-mail communications with a former co-worker. When I found out he said it was just flirting and apologized. I believed him because she lives 8 hours away. He does drink, but Iím not sure itís enough to say he has a problem? However, I do not think that getting insanely drunk is an excuse for cheating.

At this point Iím not sure if our relationship is over. I have not made a decision either way. Iím just utterly blown away and donít seem to be able to process any of it. However, at this time it is all very fresh and I cannot be around him, itís just too painful.

I donít know if there is something deeper that enabled him to do this. For example, we have been together for 7 years and he does not want to get married. I always believed it was because he went through a very nasty divorce. But now I must question his reason, our relationship, and his ability to be faithful.

I also donít know if I will be able to trust him again or get the image of him with his hands on another female out of my head. I just donít know how to move forward. I seem to be stuck on ďpauseĒ or something.

I agree that couples counseling is a good idea, but it wonít do any good if I canít get past seeing him in the act. I thought it would be best for me to deal with my feelings and emotions first, and then try to communicate with him. But I seem to be struggling with the first step or something?
surfgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2004, 5:50 PM   #7
miz_barby
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
7 years and threw it all away on drunken sex??? what kind of self respect do any of them have for themselves and each other? what kind of woman would come into someone's house and sleep with two men and what kind of friends are they to share a woman??? sick sick! I think you deserve better and I hope he gets himself checked out for std's and more because if she did this with them imagine how many more men she could have been with!

I wouldn't be with someone who just slept with some slut (sorry but that's what she sounds like sleeping with two friends at the same time) anyway I would really step back, make him get tested, and really think about if you can trust him or not! I would NOT take him back but that's my opinion! Remember you have yourself and your health to think about!
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2004, 6:39 PM   #8
Unconfirmed Account
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 514
"However, I do not think that getting insanely drunk is an excuse for cheating."

You missed my point. Alcohol in large amounts blows away all inhibitions and destroys your judgement. If you have drunk enough alcohol to put you into a near stupor, you no longer have full contact with reality. He may really have had no idea about what he was doing. It could have been like a dream to him. Maybe he got up to come to bed, walked into the wrong room, interrupted his buddy and GF, got invited to join, that reptilian part of his brain responded, and he just went with it without even knowing the real deal. I don't know, you don't know and it seems he doesn't know. If he really was that drunk, he really didn't cheat on you.

I'm not saying he shouldn't be so far in the dog house that he'll never get out. And I'm not saying that You need to stay with him, but only that you should clear your head, think about this objectively. Right now you're thinking in a fog or hurt and anger. It isn't the best time for you to make any permenent desicions.

I will say that if you decide to stay with him, getting some therapy to figure out why he got himself so drunk that he could no longer control himself should be one of the conditions.
StartingAgain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th July 2004, 8:44 PM   #9
Guest
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally posted by Debster
I disagree StartingAgain,

He was having a threesome in their house with no protection and based on the logistics it sounds like he was banging her through the brown eye. If he was that drunk, how could he have been up to the task?

Darn tooting she should have kicked him out.
HEAR HEAR!! KICK HIS BUTT TO THE CURB!!!

Hon, this is the only time you've CAUGHT him. Normal people who aren't used to f***ing around on their spouses don't just suddenly decide to pork some hussy in the "brown eye" while his friend enjoys the other orifice.

No matter how drunk they are. I have a feeling that this was coming for quite some time. Don't wast your time or money on couples counselling...this man did not give a rat's ass if you saw him or not.

And he couldn't have been that drunk, if he was able to get it hard enough to do the dirty deed in the first place.......
  Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Does it ever heal ........? exoticdesi Infidelity 12 25th July 2005 1:04 PM
I cheated - how to get over guilt and help him cope iamhorrible Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 9 24th March 2004 2:10 AM
I cheated on my man 3 times and burned his reputation. How to help him heal? Yumeni Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 16 20th March 2004 12:14 AM
How to heal? It never seems to get any better. Maura Archive 4 26th March 2001 11:35 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:39 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.