Might need to break 4 months NC?

[Replaced]

For a background on this, my previous thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/407782-been-replaced-lied-finding-hard-cope

 

It has been 4 months since she dumped me and she went instantly NC. I have never been tempted to talk to her but after what I have been told from mutual friends today I might have to break NC. Apparently, someone was telling her that I was saying bad things and lying about her to everyone. She believes that person (I don't know who) and she has told mutual friends who tried to get her to talk to me again (I didn't ask them or even hint to them to do this) that she will never speak to me again because of it. These 4 months have been my own personal living hell. I have been slowly learning to deal with the pain but countless other goings on keep knocking me down. But anyways, I feel I should send a letter to her confronting her about what that person has been saying. She should have confronted me but, nope. This letter would be to set the record straight and to give me at least some closure, as I only had an hour talking through text (she done it all through skype text) about breaking up until she deleted me, and there's a lot I never got to say.

 

Mostly everyone I know (even her friends) tell me not to bother with her because they think she's a b**** for what she done. However most of our mutual friends are telling me to send her an e-mail about those rumors. I think I will, and I know I'll most likely get hurt. But, if I don't send it, it will drive me crazy and I won't have my closure.

 

So... should I contact her after 4 months NC? If so, any advice?

[Harradin]

In your own words:

As far as I’m concerned, she lied to me (she told me before she hates liars above all else... such a hypocrite), neglected me, used me until she got her fill then replaced me a guy she met a week before breaking up with me.

 

Why waste your time on someone who treated you that badly? The fact that she's throwing a wobbler about you supposedly saying "bad things about her" despite doing worse things to you says it all.

 

Stick to NC, she's not worth the time you spend writing an email/letter.

[Nyclovin]

Don't do it ! The moment you click send = you loose

[Replaced]

@Coach Ernesto

Thanks for the kudos . It's been a hard 4 months for sure. With uni starting next week things should get a lot better fast too. To answer your questions:

 

1. Best possible outcome for me is that she is honest with me. Owns up for what she has done and still has something in her that cares for me. I don't want a relationship with her now to be honest. But the connection we had, and the amount we had in common was scary. If I was wrong about her romantically replacing me (doesn't seem to be the case so far), even with all the other stuff she did, I would still like a friendship to emerge in time. This is VERY unlikely to happen of course.

 

2. If she doesn't reply or has only hurtful comments to say, then I will never contact her again and she'll frankly be dead to me, as the person I loved and thought I knew seems to be dead anyways. At least... I will have closure. And university will be a great distraction from anything related to her if all does go bad. So any pain won't be there for long.

 

And a mutual friend has offered and wanted to contact her for me to clear this up but I told him not to. I don't want to do like she did and go all spy mode telling our friends all that stuff. I want/need to confront her about that.

 

@Harradin

You clearly read my past thread so thank you for taking your time out to read it. You're not the only one to tell me this. I guess I want to be proven wrong about her replacing me romantically. She did replace for sure and it seems very likely it was romantically from what friends have told me. If I send that letter, I will at least get closure and know it will kill any lingering "what if?" thoughts floating around my mind. She still is a bad person for doing what she did the way she did, and when she did (uni exams and such). If she can own up to that (doubtful) then maybe a friendship contact could be established.

 

@Nyclovin

True for the most part. But she took to the move to dump me and cut off all contact with me from the start, so any "power" that either had in the relationship, was taken by her. So I already "lost" then.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Replaced

[Mr Scorpio]

There is no need for you to break NC. There is only desire for you to break NC. You should not break it. It sounds as though you bonded with this girl very quickly from great distance, and then it ended as quickly as it started. It was too volatile. You do not need people like that in your life, especially when you might be emotionally vulnerable to her. Consider it a learning experience and move on.

[mtnbiker3000]

Absolutely, 100% a bad idea. Keep healing and moving on with NC. You will throw all of that away and set yourself waaaaay back. Don't give this any more of your time and energy. You won't feel better and you won't get closure. DO NOT DO IT!!!!

 

Take satisfaction from the fact that you have worked your way through 4 months of NC. That is awesome. Contacting her is not awesome!! It's weak. Be strong!!

Edited September 20, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[CC12]

Have you ever met her or any of these friends in person, or did this all take place online?

 

I mean, either way, I think the answer is to not contact her, but if this were going on "IRL" I could almost see why you would feel the need to defend yourself. But if this is all online stuff, you're placing too much importance on virtual relationships/friendships. Who really cares what people on the internet think or say about you?

[Acacia98]

@Replaced, i don't know your ex, but the cynic in me is wondering if maybe she made all this stuff up as part of some elaborate game to mess with your head.

 

Even if it turns out she didn't make the stories up, the fact that she's willing to believe them without any shred of evidence whatsoever suggests that she's not worth the effort. You've spent 4 months making an effort to heal. It's definitely a waste of time taking a backward step to soothe somebody who was inconsiderate to you and doesn't have the decency to talk to you directly when she has a bone to pick with you. She could have ignored the stories when she first came across them, but chose not to. So let her deal with the drama and associated stress on her own. And you might want to consider dropping these friends who add fuel to the fire by sharing such stories with you when you've made the effort to move on.

[Replaced]

I've managed to get some sleep on it (2.5 hours) but I think I'm more confused then I was before. I guess I'm leaning more to the choice of not sending it, however I know me, and I know I will be forever played by the "what if?" question if I don't. If I send it, and she replies negatively or not at all. I don't feel as though I would be that hurt, more relieved if anything as I would know for certain what she is and that it was no major loss to lose someone like that in my life who would bring me hurt in response to the care and love I showed her. Someone like that isn't worth my time, and I think I would heal faster knowing that.

 

@Mr Scorpio

Answering this thread and my last? That's pretty cool thanks . It was a quick bond and a quick end. During that time we never had one argument or disagreement so I don't feel as though the relationship was volatile, however the end certainly was. She was badly emotionally scared from her cheating ex before me (there was only him before me she said) so it might be she has extreme defense mechanisms going on or something. She is still thinking of herself though as a result from that though.

 

@mtnbiker3000

I have read plenty of threads on here where people did break NC with their ex and were set back by it. I know the risks, but I feel as though I can managed it if I was to go ahead.

 

@CC12

Yes it was all online, and I know people on here won't take it all that seriously as there was no physical connection. And I am aware of what difference that makes (HUGE). I guess I'm more open in the online world with people (except close friends) so I used to invest more of my emotions into it. Regardless of it being online of not, I did love her and she loved me for a time. And I do still care. I don't care what people think of me in general if they have something bad to say as I know I have done nothing wrong. If I do wrong, then I admit it and take responsibility for my actions.

 

@Acacia98

the fact that she's willing to believe them without any shred of evidence whatsoever suggests that she's not worth the effort

I have been thinking that way, It might be because she felt some need to find something to hate me for to move on and further get rid of any guilt she may have felt. In her words: I did nothing wrong. So maybe she did need a reason not to like me. As for the friends involved. All except for one of the are good people (the other was removed) and haven't been causing drama. They've been there helping me through the bad times, and I've done the same for them.

 

I see most of you are saying not to do it, and I'm not ignoring that. I don't know if I will send the letter or not. For now, I still need time to think it over. I just don't want to be plagued by "what if?".

[Mr Scorpio]

I see most of you are saying not to do it, and I'm not ignoring that. I don't know if I will send the letter or not. For now, I still need time to think it over. I just don't want to be plagued by "what if?".

 

Sending that letter is no guarantee that you won't be plagued by "what if". As fickle as she was to leave you as quickly as she did, I wouldn't even say the odds of obtaining closure are in your favor. The last time I asked my ex a "what if" question, she had a great response: "it doesn't matter what if (I had done x)... you didn't".

[Replaced]

So... after thinking it over I've decided not to contact her. Thinking about this is making me ill and I have fell back into some old habits which made the pain worse (yes checked on her profile and there was something negative directed towards me), so I have to just forget it now. Not gonna lie, of course part of me does want to contact her but then again, why should I? I was always there for her. Never told her one lie or hurt her in any way. In return, she gave me more pain then anyone has. The fact that she doesn't like me after all what she did to me, it is rather laughable. If she wants to grow up and talk about it some time, she knows how to get in contact with me. She most likely never will and if that's the case, she doesn't care so I shouldn't care either in response. I wanted to be there for her, wish I could have said the same for her.

 

Time to move on, get stuck into uni. I'm bound to meet someone there that is worth my time, so it's not the end of the road. My thanks to all of you by the way

 

P.S. I think one final thing I might do, to try and get that "closure" I've been seeking, is instead of posting that letter to her, I'll post it here at some point. I know there is a very good thread for that but I feel posting it here will kind of seal this whole sorry episode for me.