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-   -   How do I move past the guilt and move on with my life? (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/423434-how-do-i-move-past-guilt-move-my-life)

May72 9th September 2013 3:34 AM

How do I move past the guilt and move on with my life?
 
Some of you might remember my other thread where my ex dumped me after 4 years together. I put invested a lot of time and effort into our relationship and he lied to me a lot, and emotionally cheated a couple of times - would've been physically if the other girls reciprocated the feelings.

Even though I believed he betrayed me in many ways, I'm starting to question whether it was really all my fault. Maybe if I was less insecure, he'd love me more. Maybe if I agreed to do everything he likes to do, he wouldn't look elsewhere. Maybe if I didn't show much vulnerability, he wouldn't have lost interest and looked elsewhere for more of a challenge.

Realizing all of this, makes me feel like the most horrible person in the world. So horrible that I was even close to contacting him and saying sorry for everything. Deep down I know I shouldn't break NC but all these feelings are causing me to cry nonstop. How do I accept my bad behavior that caused the breakup without reaching out to him to apologize? I feel like I can't move on with all this guilt inside of me..

Chris715 9th September 2013 4:12 AM

I have the same type of guilt in regards to my ex. She did a great job of making me feel guilty for a lot of the fights/problems we had in our relationship (sometimes on purpose, sometimes without meaning to). I think the guilt is strongest after the break up when we keep our ex on their pedestal and look down on ourselves like I know we all do.

His emotional cheating on you is absolutely not your fault, and no, you shouldn't have done anything and everything he wanted of you to please him. A good relationship is supposed to be give and take and that would've been anything but.

Relieving the guilt is hard, believe me I know, and I wish I had an answer for the both of us :( Stay strong, and hopefully these feelings of ours will subside with time.

ThrashMetalHealing 9th September 2013 12:54 PM

My situation was similar except our relationship was more of a committed/exclusive FWB than a couple. I had been in a depression during my relationship and let it become stale. The girl stuck around but eventually found another man and started emotionally dating him (I believe this but she did not admit it) before she left me to be physical with him. How long has it been since the BU? For a month or two I felt like it was my fault and "if only I was not in a depression I could have saved/built the relationship". However after that I started to let anger seep in and I analyzed the past again and realized she did not want to save our relationship. The end was just as much her decision as where I was in life at the time.

So you can feel guilt about it for a while but eventually you will realize it took the other party making a choice to leave as well and that lifts your burden. I have been working on improving my attractiveness as a mate and I find this helps relieve the guilt and burden: you can feel like a worthy catch.

L1ght 9th September 2013 2:40 PM

Its more like you are looking for reasons to take blame so you can justify contacting him again. Don't do it.
Its ok to accept our failings in a relationship as long as we learn from them and use them moving forwards. Keep whatever failings you speak of in mind when you meet someone new down the line but also never forget the crap you had to put up with in your last relationship or even the feelings of doubt you had when you were with them.
IMO as far as doubt is concerned there is no smoke without fire. If a partner makes you feel doubt towards them then its a sign that something is definitely up and its time to question their commitment for your own sake before you get burnt.
Stop looking backwards. Its over.

May72 9th September 2013 4:56 PM

Thanks guys for responding, much appreciated. I do feel like I put him on a pedestal; it's on and off, some days I remember all the ways in which he hurt me, other days I can't shake off all the great things he did despite the negatives. I don't understand how I can feel so much guilt, but he doesn't.

L1ght I really do want to move on. I just don't know how because I'm still uneasy that his last impression of me was someone who was clingy due to me going through a mini depression. My rational mind knows that showing him I'm not that anymore wouldn't change anything, but the uneasiness remains. You're completely right though that there would be no smoke if there was no fire. I'm going to try my best to keep that, and what you all said about it takes two to make it work, in mind.

L1ght 9th September 2013 7:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by May72 (Post 5199608)
Thanks guys for responding, much appreciated. I do feel like I put him on a pedestal; it's on and off, some days I remember all the ways in which he hurt me, other days I can't shake off all the great things he did despite the negatives. I don't understand how I can feel so much guilt, but he doesn't.

L1ght I really do want to move on. I just don't know how because I'm still uneasy that his last impression of me was someone who was clingy due to me going through a mini depression. My rational mind knows that showing him I'm not that anymore wouldn't change anything, but the uneasiness remains. You're completely right though that there would be no smoke if there was no fire. I'm going to try my best to keep that, and what you all said about it takes two to make it work, in mind.

At some point it always becomes about ego for the person who gets dumped. The natural questions arise about our ex's perception of us when they dumped us. The urge to prove them wrong has to be ignored otherwise pleading with them to change their opinion of us is most likely going to seem sad and desperate.
I've been where you are now. Not understanding how she could only see the bad things about me at the moment when she dumped me instead of remembering all the good things we shared and what I contributed to the relationship.........but you just have to let it go. Eventually your sense of self worth will come back to you and you will be able to remember the genuine good things you can bring to a relationship without having to seek validation from your ex.
Takes time to heal so do whatever you got to do to let the pain out....shout, scream, kick, drink, eat, vent, exercise etc...whatever it is just roll with the excessive behaviour that is necessary for you to get it all out of your system so you can let go of the pain.
Accept it, feel the pain for as long as it takes...then just let it go.
Good luck

May72 9th September 2013 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L1ght (Post 5199924)
At some point it always becomes about ego for the person who gets dumped. The natural questions arise about our ex's perception of us when they dumped us. The urge to prove them wrong has to be ignored otherwise pleading with them to change their opinion of us is most likely going to seem sad and desperate.
I've been where you are now. Not understanding how she could only see the bad things about me at the moment when she dumped me instead of remembering all the good things we shared and what I contributed to the relationship.........but you just have to let it go. Eventually your sense of self worth will come back to you and you will be able to remember the genuine good things you can bring to a relationship without having to seek validation from your ex.
Takes time to heal so do whatever you got to do to let the pain out....shout, scream, kick, drink, eat, vent, exercise etc...whatever it is just roll with the excessive behaviour that is necessary for you to get it all out of your system so you can let go of the pain.
Accept it, feel the pain for as long as it takes...then just let it go.
Good luck

Yes that's what I'm going to try to do from now on, instead of keeping the pain in and letting it make me feel worse and may even lead to breaking NC.

Great thing happened to me just awhile ago. I was cleaning out my "Sent Mail" when I saw a bunch of emails I "sent to myself".. When I was in the relationship with him and I got upset with him, I'd vent it out on my Notepad on my iphone. I di"Sent Mail" on gmail. The notes were deleted a long time ago from my phone, but finding them again is a blessing because it definitely reminded me of how miserable I was when I was with him. Now I actually have evidence right in front of me that he wasn't all that, so I think I'll do fine..

keepontruckin 10th September 2013 3:20 AM

May72, I'll be flat out honest. Your actions probably did contribute to the decline of the relationship, but so did his.

After five months of separation, and having recently been served the divorce docs, I myself am dealing with the knowledge that it's finally over.

As time passes, you begin to realize that both parties were at fault. And I even hate to use the term "fault"... It's more like a compatibility issue, if anything.

I hate to simplify things, but there's nothing that you could've done, or can do. You see, we all are whom we are at our core, fundamentally, and sometimes it just doesn't work. It is especially hard to make things work with a partner that isn't responsive to the idea of hard work, like my soon to be ex. She has jumped from relationship to relationship her whole life, and will continue to do so.

Think of your time with him as not wasted. You did have a good time, mostly, but there will be better times ahead.

Remember, love is found when two factors are typically present: You are happy with yourself, and when you are not actually looking for love.

L1ght 10th September 2013 4:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keepontruckin (Post 5200744)
May72, I'll be flat out honest. Your actions probably did contribute to the decline of the relationship, but so did his.

After five months of separation, and having recently been served the divorce docs, I myself am dealing with the knowledge that it's finally over.

As time passes, you begin to realize that both parties were at fault. And I even hate to use the term "fault"... It's more like a compatibility issue, if anything.

I hate to simplify things, but there's nothing that you could've done, or can do. You see, we all are whom we are at our core, fundamentally, and sometimes it just doesn't work. It is especially hard to make things work with a partner that isn't responsive to the idea of hard work, like my soon to be ex. She has jumped from relationship to relationship her whole life, and will continue to do so.

Think of your time with him as not wasted. You did have a good time, mostly, but there will be better times ahead.

Remember, love is found when two factors are typically present: You are happy with yourself, and when you are not actually looking for love.

Indeed. The fog clears eventually.

RespectfullyAlone 23rd September 2013 4:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keepontruckin (Post 5200744)
May72, I'll be flat out honest. Your actions probably did contribute to the decline of the relationship, but so did his.

After five months of separation, and having recently been served the divorce docs, I myself am dealing with the knowledge that it's finally over.

As time passes, you begin to realize that both parties were at fault. And I even hate to use the term "fault"... It's more like a compatibility issue, if anything.

I hate to simplify things, but there's nothing that you could've done, or can do. You see, we all are whom we are at our core, fundamentally, and sometimes it just doesn't work. It is especially hard to make things work with a partner that isn't responsive to the idea of hard work, like my soon to be ex. She has jumped from relationship to relationship her whole life, and will continue to do so.

Think of your time with him as not wasted. You did have a good time, mostly, but there will be better times ahead.

Remember, love is found when two factors are typically present: You are happy with yourself, and when you are not actually looking for love.

That's so untrue and rubbish. If people weren't looking for love, they wouldn't date, get fit, goto the gym, buy that new shirt or dress.

Loves does not just find you. So if I goto a remote cave and hibernate and forget all about it, some wonderful amazon woman will somehow fall into my lap?

Sayings like that belong on t-shirts and cards. They are not real. I can't think of a more pathetic and stupid thing than for anyone to actually believe love will find you when you least suspect it. It's BS and a lie.

Everyone wants to be loved, and thus they have stronger or lesser desires to find their loved one during their life. Even people who swear they are happy being alone are lying. It's a defense mechanism so they don't appear weak or a loser in their friends eyes. Oh I'm happy being fat! I'm happy being single! Hardly.

We all want love, we all look for it. The determining factor is whether you find someone who is honest about their feelings. If they are, you have a chance together, if they lie, cheat and deceive you, it won't work out.


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