Caught in a terrible situation.

[SparklingMiasma]

...That I made...

 

I need like, the hammer of reality to come crashing down onto me --- don't hold back --- I need some help bad.

 

My ex moved out almost two years ago. I haven't been able to cope. I've slept with many people, I've gone through many drinking binges, I've become a gym rat, I've delved into art and writing more, I've disappeared in computer games, I've done drugs, I've tried lots of things. Nothing works.

 

Whenever they make an attempt to contact me I almost always fold and respond. We see each other and sleep together on and off... and they leave, until they decide they have use of me again. Sometimes they want to try to make another attempt at a relationship and I drop everything I'm mired in, to pursue that. Why? I guess I think I need them. Love them. I've gone months of ignoring them before. They wrote me a suicidal letter. I caved and our cycle repeated. Blah... fast forward to this moment.

 

I just recently accepted being in a relationship with someone else. Someone I've only known for a month. My ex crept back into the picture. Can't stand it. I didn't intend on using this person to bring the ex out of their selfish bubble of lies. But it happened. I've genuinely enjoyed the little time I've spent with this other person. Of course I still love my ex. They found out I wasn't over said ex. They even know my ex.

 

I was ignoring my ex.

 

Ex came over last night. Randomly. Just showed up. In the past I told the ex that I'd be there for them in they needed anything, no matter what. I'd like to hold my word there. But I also told this new person I wouldn't talk to my ex anymore. I definitely wouldn't be seeing them. Ex and I slept together right when I met this person.

 

Well. I let the ex in. We stayed up all night talking, drinking tea, and then, we ****ed.

 

I've never "cheated" on someone before.

Ex wants to make things work.

I know where it leads. I never seem to be able to let go.

New person has no idea.

New person claims to already be falling in love.

I'm not there. I don't even feel like I can ever be with anyone else.

I feel selfish.

Lost.

Like i'm perpetuating the very thing that hurt me.

 

New person is extremely elated we're an "item". New person has informed all of their friends, family, is making all sorts of plans. Meanwhile... ex is messaging me, telling me to come back. I feel too much for the ex.

 

Tell me. What's right. Please attempt to factor in that I'm a complete idiot and mess. I was suicidal for way too long. I don't necessarily need compassionate help, rather I need brutality, but I need constructive brutality. I don't even know what to do. I'm that blind.

[LostInTheWild]

Okay. First, you need to let the new person go. You can't be in the shape that you're in and have them believing you when you are lying to them. You will destroy this new person if you pretend to have feelings and entertain their fantasies of being a true "item."

 

Second, the ex...Has. Gotta. Go. Do you really think it will work THIS time? Believe me, I've been there and it won't. You should give the ex the boot and be on your merry way to finding yourself! Go find some self confidence. Go out and meet new people (and don't sleep with them). The only thing that will cure what ails you is time. You have to let time do it's thing.

 

But no matter what you decide...let the new person down easily. They will find out. And it will kill them.

[Knoxpwns]

...That I made...

 

I need like, the hammer of reality to come crashing down onto me --- don't hold back --- I need some help bad.

 

My ex moved out almost two years ago. I haven't been able to cope. I've slept with many people, I've gone through many drinking binges, I've become a gym rat, I've delved into art and writing more, I've disappeared in computer games, I've done drugs, I've tried lots of things. Nothing works.

 

Whenever they make an attempt to contact me I almost always fold and respond. We see each other and sleep together on and off... and they leave, until they decide they have use of me again. Sometimes they want to try to make another attempt at a relationship and I drop everything I'm mired in, to pursue that. Why? I guess I think I need them. Love them. I've gone months of ignoring them before. They wrote me a suicidal letter. I caved and our cycle repeated. Blah... fast forward to this moment.

 

I just recently accepted being in a relationship with someone else. Someone I've only known for a month. My ex crept back into the picture. Can't stand it. I didn't intend on using this person to bring the ex out of their selfish bubble of lies. But it happened. I've genuinely enjoyed the little time I've spent with this other person. Of course I still love my ex. They found out I wasn't over said ex. They even know my ex.

 

I was ignoring my ex.

 

Ex came over last night. Randomly. Just showed up. In the past I told the ex that I'd be there for them in they needed anything, no matter what. I'd like to hold my word there. But I also told this new person I wouldn't talk to my ex anymore. I definitely wouldn't be seeing them. Ex and I slept together right when I met this person.

 

Well. I let the ex in. We stayed up all night talking, drinking tea, and then, we ****ed.

 

I've never "cheated" on someone before.

Ex wants to make things work.

I know where it leads. I never seem to be able to let go.

New person has no idea.

New person claims to already be falling in love.

I'm not there. I don't even feel like I can ever be with anyone else.

I feel selfish.

Lost.

Like i'm perpetuating the very thing that hurt me.

 

New person is extremely elated we're an "item". New person has informed all of their friends, family, is making all sorts of plans. Meanwhile... ex is messaging me, telling me to come back. I feel too much for the ex.

 

Tell me. What's right. Please attempt to factor in that I'm a complete idiot and mess. I was suicidal for way too long. I don't necessarily need compassionate help, rather I need brutality, but I need constructive brutality. I don't even know what to do. I'm that blind.

 

Its going to take a lot of time to get over them, but every time you talk to them or meet them in any way, it pretty much screws all your progress. You've only gone a few months of ignoring them, but you don't feel better? Ignore them for a few years. 0 contact. block her number, block her facebook. get an app to block her phone. if she sends you a letter, throw it out. don't even read it. ask mutual friends to not talk to you about her under any circumstances. If she shows up at your house, ignore it, or ask her to leave. if she doesn't call the cops.

 

Don't talk to her until it stops hurting. cave for nothing. I would sacrifice a ton just to have one last convo with my ex, but it wouldn't change anything. You just gotta let go, and don't talk to her again until you can do it without feeling the air being sucked out of you.

 

You even say that you really like spending time with this new person. Stop letting your ex use you! you even said she will return when she "has use for you". Someone who LOVES you doesn't USE you. she doesn't care about you at all, and uses you like a ragdoll when its convenient. EVERYONE deserves better than that, including you. She doesn't love you, be with someone who does.

 

Bottom line, you gotta let go and stop contacting, or you will feel this way forever.

[Virgil876]

Either let the ex go and concentrate on the new girl. Or take that new girl out of the picture too along with your ex.

 

You need some serious thinking done as to what to do with your feelings.

[SparklingMiasma]

Thanks everyone who responded.

 

Yea I know I should just let them both go... ex and I had unprotected sex the last two times, so i'm not sure if i should cut off all contact again without waiting and seeing if... Man typing that out just made me realize how stupid I am, lol.

 

Admittedly... I have preferred being used by the ex if that's all they were willing to offer (and I've always dove in when they've asked for more). I've been that desperate and pathetic. There's nothing like being with them though, sexually or otherwise. It so easy to believe we have some kind of special connection when I'm in their presence. So easy to believe what they say... so easy to fall back into them... and plus I've never really been able to get over them. I guess I've never given it enough time. Feels like I have (we've been involved since 2007), but it's probably an illusion. It's so messed up how the heart can be. If only we had the ability to control what it feels.

 

 

And I'm going to have to crush new person. New person has already been messed with in the past. Has never had an "official" relationship. Is way too ecstatic. I'm too hesitant to stomp it out. Not sure why I agreed to get more serious. I knew I wasn't capable.

 

Going off alone this weekend out in the wilderness. Seems to help with clarity......

[SparklingMiasma]

(I'm female).

[TaraMaiden]

It's going to take more than a hammer.

 

You need psychiatric help.

I'm not suggesting you're a nut-job, but what you're doing is frankly so self-destructive, emotionally, it's insane.

 

I really think you need an outside professional to help you discern why the hell you're so intent on phukking up your own life and messing with the lives of people who are in yours.

 

Really.

Seek counselling.

 

And face your demons.

Now's a good a time as any.

 

Cut off all contact with your ex (or exes) and start taking some responsibility for the way you're handling things.

 

And I use the term loosely....

[Omei]

You're emotionally unstable I would let both go and work on yourself it seems like you have no self worth letting yourself be used over and over when she feels like it. Def let the new girl go sorry you already messes up with her there is no way you can build a relationship with her while your still messing with your ex would be unfair and your wasting her time let her go off and be happy with someone thats ready it be in a relationship.

[Renard99]

I'm just going to echo what others have said here.

 

You really need to get rid of both parties here.

 

You need to get rid of the ex because they're just causing you more and more pain. You say that whenever they try to make another go at the relationship you drop everything and give it a go..... that suggests you've done it a number of times. Ask yourself 'why hasn't that worked?' If they really wanted it, you'd be back together by now. You're being used and by accepting it and liking it you will simply perpetuate the feelings you have now and will not even start to fully heal.

 

You need to get rid of the new person because you clearly have more feelings for the ex than you do for them. If you were really into the new person you would have rejected any advances from your ex. The fact that you're willing to fall back into their arms suggests a new person is far from your thoughts currently.

 

You need to free of both emotionally, and therefore level headed, before thinking about future relationships.

[SparklingMiasma]

I preferred keeping gender (and age) ambiguous because it was ultimately irrelevant to me --- but if the information is important to another, well, I'm not adverse to divulging such: I'm 28.

 

I have been through a number of therapists --- I suppose I should have included that in one of the many things I've tried. I've been through counselling as well. I've been on and off different medications before being diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder (by a couple of different therapists).

 

The new person knows now. I'd like to say it was because I was noble and informed them but, they actually came over yesterday when my ex was here (and I had stepped out to grab groceries to make dinner) --- when I returned, they were both in my living room. New person thought my ex broke in (my ex did previously break into my car and left a few things for me..................) ---- and was telling my ex to leave or he was going to involve the authorities. Well, ex said he was allowed to be there. New person confronted me when I walked in and asked if my ex was allowed to be there, I said he was........

 

Then I asked new person to leave.

 

He did but returned. Asked if ex would talk with him. Then he left, proceeded to contact numerous people I know, freaking out on them.

 

Ex stayed.

 

So I guess that's that.

 

Don't know if I'll ever figure out a way to be free of the ex. But at least the new person drama is over... though they've attempted to contact me via various internet mediums, I've blocked them...

Edited August 10, 2013 by SparklingMiasma

[2sunny]

The drinking and drugs is altering your mind.

 

Can you stop? Can you get a clear reading on your mental clarity when you're not drinking/using.

 

Without a clear mind - you can expect to do and say and feel things you would when clear minded.

[SparklingMiasma]

Maybe. Maybe that will help. I'll try to see.

[2sunny]

The altered mind doesn't seem to have a conscience - and makes decisions based on no conscience - causing harm to self and others.

 

If you need help - consider detox... It's safer that way.