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Lost In The Wild


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 26th July 2017, 2:08 AM   #601
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Ok..
So today I saw something. Something that could have potentially hurt me a lot. I saw that a certain ex, one I had an intense connection with and struggled to overcome, and as far as I can recount right now, one of the driving forces for bringing me here... was with someone. Now I say again, this had the potential to hurt me very much. But it didn't. And I am hoping, hoping that this is a lasting feeling and I am not just in some strange kind of light shock or experiencing some kind of numbness before any pain kicks in. So yes, this just happened and I thought to start a thread of my own, but then I remembered there was already a section of wild that I found. So this is where I came to. This is where I ran.

I'm by a fire, rubbing the cold off of my body. An image going through my mind of her and the other guy... mayhaps even the next victim. But no, that isn't kind to say. Yes, she has mental issues, but who knows. Perhaps she is working her stuff out. Perhaps she will have a better life now with this other. Oh, I see. I don't think I care about that. I only care that it has happened. It has finally happened. I must let this go. This is an old wound that is mostly healed. I can tell so much just by the fact that I am going through analysis instead of pain. I am finding it difficult to feel jealousy. I thought it would come instantly, but it's not. It's just not there.

So this, I say to you, my old thorny flame. That... was one helluva ride. You hurt me multiple times, but in the process, I learned SO much about mental disorders. And I would have never known what I know now about establishing boundaries, looking for healthy-minded partners, and a genuinely loving relationship, had we not met.

So now I grab a handful of dirt, stand up, and let it fall into the fire. Some of it blows away in the wind, and the rest makes the flames flicker. I thought it was done for so long, but I always knew that there would come a time when I would find something out, and that day would be a test of my feelings. It is with great relief, that I say this to myself: This chapter is truly closed.

I hope you make each other happy. As for me, I am off to find my life partner.

And honestly, thank God it wasn't you.


LostInTheWild, thank you very much for letting me use your space. This has been therapeutic.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 12:02 AM   #602
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Blue...

Ah, the good ol' ex sighting.

It's funny you bring this up. I haven't seen my ex in person since...he stood in the street looking conflicted as to whether he should walk away or come back. I know he exists and he is raising a child with someone who is apparently not that great towards him. I thought it would bring me joy to see him suffer but no, I'd rather he were happy, despite the turmoil he caused (and I helped).

I don't know what that feels like, to see someone on the street with their new person. I see them online. I know they're there. I sometimes even torture myself and force myself to look at how great things turned out for the ones I cared about. But never in person. I thought I'd have a speech ready for one of them if it ever happened. As time wears on though, and I accumulate a long, long list of coulda woulda shouldas, I don't give a flying **** anymore. There one day; gone the next. Bye Felicia.

Now I'm curious to know if I ever will see any of them in the wild again. I doubt it. But I wonder.

You're welcome to post here! Anytime. I'm glad you took me up on the offer. Thought-provoking, actually. And it adds a new flavor to my thread.
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Old 4th August 2017, 2:57 AM   #603
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Thank you, again. I wanted to wait a while before responding. Needed to be sure. Still no lingering pain. This is good
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Old 8th August 2017, 12:32 PM   #604
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Hey, Girl, Hey...

I'm in a better place mentally, I think.

Days are blurring together and I'm fine with that. No highs and lows. No wondering or questioning about what's at hand. It's all laid out for me. I know what to expect out of each day, besides my impending doom which I often think about, but mellow is yellow.

There is one thing though. My high school friend is once again in contact with me. Seemingly lonely? Seemingly interested in seeing me (Friday, Saturday, Monday...after repeated, "I'll see you next week on x day," on my part). Calling, telling me I've grown into a "beautiful woman." Eyeroll and gag.

I've searched my soul. If the opportunity ever presented itself, could I pursue anything other than friendship with him? The answer is...**** no. I think it finally hit me last week after the excitement of his return wore off. This guy claims to care about me, has been in the background for 17 years, but I've never felt safe with him. More like he was quietly judging me.

"LITW, you're single because look at how you dress!"

He said that once to me a few years ago while I was in the process of moving and was totally broke. We went out shopping because I asked for his help picking stuff out later on, and he didn't like my style. Fine.

"High School Friend, why don't you ever want to hang out with me? I'm living in your place now and you're never around."

We will hang out soon, he said. Or, it's nothing personal. I was at the loneliest point in my life while he was living with another woman who wasn't his girlfriend but kind of had potential.

"I think I hear something outside and I'm scared."

It's in your head.

"Can you get your landlord to spray for centipedes? I'm terrified of them. Please! There's an infestation."

No. She won't do it.

"I saw someone has a dog. Can you just check to make sure it wasn't a mistake that she doesn't want dogs? I miss my baby."

No. She won't let me.

The entire time I lived in that building, someone had a pit bull. It wasn't a secret.

I moved partially in with my parents after I got sick of roasting and the bugs had me sleeping in my car. I finally got all my things out and put them into storage. I saw him once and he acted like I was a stranger as I carried my things out to my car.

Sounds like he just wants sex.

The more I think about it, I'm not sure I even want to see him again after that. If he was nurturing another relationship and basically ditched me for that, then I feel like all we will ever be are distant friends. And I'm showing him that because I've lost interest in texting him.

Idk how to feel about this return. I guess I'll know soon.
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Old 11th August 2017, 8:11 PM   #605
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Aurora - Winter Bird

Walking in my sleep
Like the naked dreams
Will they wake up again?
Do they sleep? Do they dream?

Feel it as the wind strokes my skin
I am moved by the chill
Hear the winter bird sing

Ahhh...Ahhhh...

My tears are always frozen
I can see the air I breathe
Got my fingers painting pictures
On the glass in front of me
Lay me by the frozen river
Where the boats have passed me by
All I need is to remember
How it was to feel alive

Silent days, violent shades
We are dancing again
In a dream by the lake

Ahhh...Ahhhh...

My tears are always frozen
I can see the air I breathe
Got my fingers painting pictures
On the glass in front of me
Lay me by the frozen river
Where the boats have passed me by
All I need is to remember
How it was to feel alive

Rest against my pillow like the aging winter sun
Only wake each morning to remember that you're gone
So I drift away again
To winter I belong

Ah...Ahhhhh...Ahhhh..

My tears are always frozen
I can see the air I breathe
Got my fingers painting pictures
On the glass in front of me
Lay me by the frozen river
Where the boats have passed me by
All I need is to remember
How it was to feel alive

My tears are always frozen...

All I need is to remember
How it was to feel alive
I need to remember
How it was to feel alive
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Old 12th August 2017, 12:05 AM   #606
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That guy you spoke of does not sound like a very good friend. Not at all.
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Old 20th August 2017, 1:19 AM   #607
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Funny you should mention that.

He told me he has pretty much been in love with me for years last night.

I can't say I feel the same way. There was a time when a maybe existed, but not right now because maybe exists for no one. And we ARE SO DIFFERENT.

I don't see myself ever going down that path. But I've been having moments of...thinking about being 30. This is it. Maybe I should settle. I could love him for being the teenager that gave me Slacker stickers in high school. I could love him for being stable, because I'm certainly not. I'm not truly attracted to him, but does it matter once we age? Could I do this?

Nope. I'm not desperate. I want to meet the man who sets me on fire. I want my mind to be ignited and challenged (I get bored easily; I need someone on my intellectual level to toy with). I used to want children, but if my eggs are meant to shrivel up, then so be it. It looks like relationships and children aren't in the cards for me. And...he's just not it for me.

I don't know where that came from, honestly. It's just awkward. Like...I was sitting at home reading my new romance novel (it's ****ing good, too), and THIS happens. Like, world, please leave me the **** alone. I've had enough of you. I want to read about women getting what I used to want and I pretend I'm them. End of story.

I'm 90 years old.

ETA: I made the decision to not go back to my old company who pretty much extended a hand to save my ass. I declined. Now look where that's gotten me. Food for thought.

Last edited by LostInTheWild; 20th August 2017 at 1:25 AM..
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Old 20th August 2017, 3:13 AM   #608
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Welp, I don't think you need advice on this one. Especially since you pretty much came to the conclusion that I might have suggested. But I'll say what I think about settling: I think settling is unfair to both sides of a relationship. There might be a weird kind of exception to that thought... but for this guy? From what you've said about him so far, doesn't seem like it.
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Old 27th August 2017, 3:32 AM   #609
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Ok, so this is some kind of venting I am going to express. Not sure where it will lead, but feel free to look elsewhere. There may be strange kinds of mist of varying temperatures about...

I am having a bit of ... wow, I feel a little bit calmer now. sooo.. nvm?

Nope. It's back. Ok, I gotta create. I need to make music again. wtf, I haven't felt that way in a long time. But I don't know where it came from. I haven't needed to do that in... how many has it been? Oh, that must be the reason. It has been long enough, and now the cycle has come back around. It is time to be artistic again. Fudge. So now I don't know if I'm supposed to write or sing or pick up one of those instruments again. Most likely any of them will require spending money that I had not planned on spending. This was supposed to go towards buying my way out of here. Many goals, we have! grr. think, think.. I need a spiritual advisor, but He/She isn't around much these days. Or rather, I have not opened that kind of dialogue in quite a while.. why is that? is it because I have been so focused on my goals? But I thought that was a good thing! relax... ok. So I need to write. Yes! That's perfect. Writing is a form of expression. Poetry, even, would do. For now.

With idle presence
He wiped away all that which laid inside
But divine essence
Was what was left
And standing, too, beside!

So wake the need, my son
And heed the words I call on you...
ummm
I don't want to rhyme anymore

Hey! I'm figuring this sht out. It's working. Goddess help me, it is working..!

And it was at this point that a wave of anxiety became a wave of inspiration. With hope, I shall ride it well.
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:39 PM   #610
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Nothing...

My eyes open. I see the covering of trees above me with a clearing directly in the center. Sunlight dances across my face. I feel the earth caress my back. I can't feel anything else, except for gravity holding me here, under the trees, torturing me with the light at the end of the tunnel, where the sun lives, a million miles away.

I can't get up. As much as I want to, I can't seem to find the strength to move. All of my energy is spent trying to find a way out of this place. It is haunting me and I'm losing hope. Or...I guess you can say, I already have.

I stayed in this position the entire day, looking into the trees until nightfall. Nothing goes through my mind. It is blank. I think of nothing in the past and nothing in the future. Nothing in the present. I'm just there like the dirt beneath me. Existing, but not living.

The darkness enveloped me. The air cooled. The trees blended in with the sky. I did not sleep. It required too much energy. Sleeping meant that I was looking forward to the next day. I wasn't. And my human nature was taken from me, so sleep would mean nothing.

I watched the sky change into shades of blues, purples, oranges, and then the sun was back, high in the sky, creating the light at the end of the tree-lined tunnel. I didn't budge. There was no way up, no way through, no way across. There was just no way.

A tear escapes and runs down my cheek. I have no idea why. Maybe my body knows something my mind doesn't.

I hear a low rumble off to my left. It sounds half-cat, half-monster. The noise continues and the pitch rises, seemingly growing closer. I decide to turn my head to look. I see nothing but weeds and trees.

My pulse quickens for the first time in days. Adrenaline shoots through my body. There is something big out there that I didn't know about, and it could very well kill me if I don't find a way to get up.

"Grrrrrooaarrr..."

Anchoring my upper body with my hands, I push as hard as I can to sit up...
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Old 30th August 2017, 11:39 PM   #611
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"Grrrrrooaarrr..."

I exclaimed. I declared. I'm starting to understand, even just slightly, that these woods are not as beautiful or inviting as I initially imagined them to be. Why? I am always at peace in environments like these. Is it because this forest belongs to another? Do these trees show malice? I hiss when I am startled. And growl and snarl when threatened. But it's not so much a reaction to fear or dread, as it is a statement that I am ready for a fight if they are. But what is it that set this off? Sneaking about the consciousness of another is a different kind of experience. I'm not in my world, so I have to wonder if I still possess all of my abilities. My claws look decent enough. I could probably leave a good scratch in the bark of any of these. If I climbed one, I wonder if the branches would extend to entangle me. To keep me from seeking a better vantage point.

It looks very, very dark now... Almost black and silent, yet the trunks still stand out. It's as if in this moment, brown gives off a strange glow of its own. Suddenly, I am filled with a small warmth. One of the entities I sometimes pray to... it seems like She's around. In here? How? But it doesn't matter. Because now the memory comes back, and it makes me smile. It's that I thrive on battles. Now, this battle seems more silent, but it is still a battle...

Now another entity is felt. It brings peace. I see. Now I am conflicted. One side of me will enjoy a fight through these trees, of which clearly appear to be wanting to attach to me now. And the other side wishes to kneel down and allow them to do what they will. Perhaps on the chance that they'd take me deeper in, leading me to another. Or perhaps because the trees might be twisted extensions of a wounded spirit that is trying to hug. So now, it appears that I may have come full circle. Again, I say that I am always at peace in environments like these. I begin to kneel down. There's now some kind of bladed weapon in a scabbard strapped to my waist. No idea where that came from. I take the blade out and place it on the ground beside me. My eyes begin to close...

Meow...
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Old 24th September 2017, 11:03 PM   #612
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Q & a...

"Do you have any metal implants in your body?"

No.

"Choose the music you'd like to listen to during your procedure."

33.

Michael Jackson.

I haven't listened to his music in a long time.

"Have you had any surgeries, or any of the conditions listed below?"

No. But... I'm probably going to come out of here with one.

After changing, I was led to a dungeon-like chamber and instructed to lie down on a bed, with my head in a brace. A Silence of the Lambs-esque mask was placed over my face after my ears had been padded with headphones.

I had wanted to whisper, "Hello, Clarice..." to the person who caged my head in.

The team pushed me into a machine and the throbbing, grinding noises began. Then Michael sang over them. I laid there like that for an hour and a half. My first MRI. I think I'm dying.

So I stared at the line above me in the machine. I asked myself some questions.

Who will you tell if you find out something is wrong?

I don't want to tell anyone. I don't think anyone would care.

What do you think dying is like?

Quick, I hope. I don't want to suffer an illness.

What if they don't find anything?

Then I can start living my life again.

And if they do?

Figure out a way to make the transition easy for my family.

You don't want to fight?

No. I gave up a long time ago. There's no reason to persevere.

Are you going to tell him?

Him? Oh, him. The guy I met at a concert when I was 25. I really liked him. I was broken up with my ex at the time. It had never panned out. And he came back a couple of times this year, but wouldn't meet with me to catch up.

No. I asked him not to contact me again.

Your ex?

No. I may thank him at some point for screwing me up royally though.

Your cousin?

No.

After it was over, I was stiff. I walked out and huffed to my car.

I keep thinking...

This torture is almost over.
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Old 16th October 2017, 7:32 PM   #613
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Pain from the Past...

I spent a lot of time thinking about him in the beginning of the breakup.

I wondered, after a few months, what he looked like. Did he still look the same?

I thought often of the way he smelled, how he talked, and the way he made me laugh. Was he still funny?

I also never forgot how bad it was, how much he lied, and how painful it was to love him.

Over time, though, that fades. And since I havenít been able to find a replacement, sometimes I even find myself thinking of our old jokes and laughing to myself. Or I analyze a shared thought we had and nod in agreement. All by myself.

The truth was, however, he was a bad person. I can say that now. And he made me ugly for the time I was with him, broke me when he left, and the damage still lingers. I can hardly relax when anyone shows me physical affection, I feel as though nobody really cares about me, and still have the lingering sense that Iím just not worth the trouble. And over the years, after everything, I finally believe him. Iím not worth it. Men never respect me. They pretend to like me the way he did. They have inflicted so much pain, I donít even know why I think to bother anymore.

I drive a conspicuous vehicle. Saturday was a normal day for me. I just ran some errands, drove to get a macchiato, just listening to music as I went along, agonizing over someone else.

I pulled into the gas station to adjust my hair and fix my makeup. I was getting ready to get out when I looked over at the face that stole my life.

For the first time since maybe September of 2013, I saw my ex-boyfriend. A person who I never thought I would see again.

His hand enthusiastically waved to get my attention. Iím sure my face was frozen in a fake smile. I had plans after all. I was a woman who needed to be somewhere, who has her own life, and I donít appreciate intruders sucking up my time. But I figured, why not? Iíll catch up.

He still towered over me. His hair was longer and started to turn curly at the ends. Ash brown hair I pushed my fingers through. Those light-brown eyes that smiled for me. Long eyelashes I would admire. Perfect teeth I would run my tongue across. The person who taught me that it is better to let go and be alone, even if I couldnít see it because life was like some love story back then.

For a moment, I felt comfortable enough to get closer to him and reach my hand up to his hair to tuck it behind his ear. It felt like an old habit. The younger me would have done it, with warmth and love. The older me is tired and hates herself. And despite giving him a half hour of her time, smiling, she hates him too. He robbed her of her precious years and made her into a stupid fool. She hates herself because she couldnít let go. And because she never got the chance to truly move on.

Seeing someone who hurt you so much and who you loved so fiercely despite all their flaws was something I canít describe.

I wished him dead. I wished him well. I hoped he failed. I wished him the pain I felt. I wished he did better than me. I wished him happiness.

I grieved hard, even though I didnít acknowledge it. It was the elephant in the room for a long time. Ever-present with every date. Every first kiss. Every ****. Every ending. Until there were enough endings to bury the one that hurt the most. And then there were ones that hurt more.

So there we were, me thinking about touching his hair. Wanting to hug him because thatís what we used to do.

Then I remembered everything and how he had moved on. And Iím here to tell you today that the ex doesnít always go on to have a happy life. We all pay in our own ways after a breakup and even long after we think weíve moved on. Karma is a sham. Life is just...life.

However, he was nervous. I sensed great regret although no words were spoken about it. I just knew he did.

I asked him if he had followed me into that parking lot and he said he hadnít, although that was a lie. He forgot about my internal lie detector.

As he stood there with his rugged charm, telling me all I wanted to know about our old life, our old friends, I could see the love I thought never existed. I convinced myself I was in a loveless relationship for so long, but that day I knew I was wrong. He did. He loved me then and he still did. We just werenít a match.

I held myself, arms folded as we spoke. Occasionally laughing, occasionally surprised, marveling at the ease I felt. I thought this day would never come, or that it would be so much harder, or painful. It wasnít.

We wrapped up the conversation and I left to go on my date. He left to go to work to support his family.

He loved me. And I would never go back to him. Not ever. I would rather die.

Iím dating someone new. And I donít think itís going to make it. Heís just what I need and Iím going to **** it up if I havenít already.

Itís funny because I saw him several times at restaurants, bowling, etc. and I knew he liked me but I wasnít sure about him. I went to his house and it was like he was a totally new person. So different. He was just nervous. And for the first time, I was glad I didnít write him off. He became ten million times more attractive to me. I didnít know what it meant to have someone grow on you, but today I have the feels and I think heís gone.

It was nice to be held again so I wouldnít scatter across the universe. It was nice to feel cared for. It was nice to feel like someone was interested in me. And it hurts to think that itís unattainable because Iíd stay. Iíd get to know him. Just as he soon realizes Iím not worth the trouble.

I gave this one some time, too. So Iím not sure what Iím doing wrong anymore. It just makes me so sad that when I decide to try, it doesnít work.

There is a reason I havenít written about him. The reason is my thread is littered with the evaporating man. I wanted to make sure heíd stick before I wasted the time putting him here. I didnít even talk about him much with my friends. And now I have him here just to remember someday. Because heís going to be another myth I believed in.

And I hate myself. And I hate my ex. And I hate my life.
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Old 17th October 2017, 12:30 AM   #614
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Hate him, hate your life....I get it. 110%. But please, give yourself a break. It breaks my heart to read this!
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Old 17th October 2017, 10:45 PM   #615
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosfoos View Post
Hate him, hate your life....I get it. 110%. But please, give yourself a break. It breaks my heart to read this!
Iím trying Hoosfoos. Believe me, I am.
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