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Lost In The Wild


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 20th August 2013, 12:15 AM   #46
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So, today was HORRIBLE. I felt like a piece of dirt all day long. I was considering leaving work early because I felt so badly -- it was like someone kept hitting me over the head. I cried at my desk and worked quietly. I hate that everyone notices I'm not who I once was. They look at me with pity, some ask me how I am, and I just lie through my teeth. I wanted to scream and cry all day long. Working was like keeping an animal in captivity. Today was one of those days where I needed to grieve and I couldn't. I've felt like this ALL weekend long and it isn't getting better. The only bright side is I haven't contacted him .

The problem isn't even that the positive memories are resurfacing. I just plain old miss him. My poor friend invited me out for a drink and sat and listened to me whine and whine and speculate and whine. She is our mutual friend, so I asked her if he was seeing someone and she told me he wasn't. I asked her if she'd talked to him over and over. When I finally arrived, she quickly got off the phone, but I knew she was talking to him. So I asked her if it was and she admitted it. I asked her what he said and she told me he was depressed today thinking about me. He misses me and can't help but feel badly for the ways he treated me.

I felt better at that moment. I thought, "He should feel bad. At least temporarily. I know it will all go away in time, but I want him to realize how he has changed me as a person." Maybe he won't do that to someone else.

I don't hate him. But in between me missing him and wanting him, I know that this leads to many other possibilities for me. He has scarred me in ways that make me suspicious of all men's intentions towards me. I hate men right now. I want to date, but none of them are stacking up. I'm just not ready.

So, instead I'm onto a new endeavor, despite being broke and hit with double the bills nowadays -- I'm going to begin remodeling and redecorating. I guess I have to make the best of this in some form. It is so hard. I miss him like crazy. He was my everything. For nine years I've loved someone unconditionally. To give this up is difficult. I am not one to readily admit defeat, but I can't make someone love me and want to be with me.

I've finally deleted his number. I am thinking of deleting our last text but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I still have this odd, lingering hope that he will want to reconcile and make things work, but I know he won't deep down. I want him to want me, but it just isn't true anymore. The sooner I accept this small detail, the reality and weight of it all, the better off I'll be. The less disappointment I will cause myself.

I don't know who he is anymore.

Last edited by LostInTheWild; 20th August 2013 at 12:19 AM..
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Old 20th August 2013, 9:41 PM   #47
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Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I even managed to laugh and joke around a bit, but my office mates seem to notice that I'm still quiet (I used to laugh and talk all the time -- still got my work done though). I still had my moments of moping around, but generally felt better.

Last night, I had the most awful nightmare I could ever imagine. It was the most frightening nightmare I think I've ever had in my life.I had gone to meet my friend the same way I did last night, except when I returned home, my door was unlocked (I ALWAYS lock my door). I pushed the door open and my apartment was different, more beautiful, with billowy red curtains flailing in the wind, but it was ransacked!!! I spoke to my imaginary neighbors about this and the woman told me that she thought she knew who it was and would talk to him.

In my nightmare, I felt content with this and fell asleep. Then I awoke to what sounded like someone trying to break in (still in the nightmare) and rushed to the door. I looked out of the peephole and saw a short man standing outside with a KNIFE almost unlocking my door. I grabbed the handle and screamed as I felt him turning the knob. I screamed the most blood-curdling scream I've ever "heard." I felt the doorknob turning in my hands and bam! My eyes opened and the clock had just landed on 3 AM.

I was shaking. I got up and looked around the apartment. I laid back down and kept the lights on. I swear I didn't fall back asleep for another half hour. I even contemplated loading my gun but I was just too tired to chase ghosts from nightmares around. I shook myself to sleep.

Earlier today, I looked up the meanings of the symbols in my dream and it looks like I'm losing a sense of self, losing something important, and losing all control subconsciously. So I went for a run. It felt fantastic to do this. I feel better now, but I'm still obsessing over him.

I check my phone still. I look for him where I know he won't be. I am lost, but getting lost can be powerful in relearning all the things about myself I thought were long gone. I'm going to set some goals for myself. I'm going to try to get out and run for at least half an hour each day; eat less to lose a few pounds and get more lean; and I'm going to stop talking about him with our mutual friend. I want her in my life because she is such a great presence and I love hanging out with her. But I can't do that if I continually rehash things.

And if I can't stop asking how he is I might just cut the cord altogether, only temporarily. I'm sure she would understand. If I disappear, I can reinvent myself and emerge as the person I can faintly remember. Funny, caring, loving, smart, ambitious -- I owe these things to myself and the people who WANT to be in my life.

I just feel so sad though. Sometimes I feel good and other times it's like someone has removed a limb. Ah, well, he won't return. And would I even want to go through that drama again? Time will give me the answers I seek.
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Old 21st August 2013, 7:41 PM   #48
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Today was a better day for me. I went to work and dressed up like I used to (I was really slumming it for the past two weeks -- I looked terrible). A dude I work with invited me to the Bahamas (jokingly) but it was funny nonetheless because he thinks I'm beautiful. I wore my high heels like I used to in order to help with my posture. My back has been hurting lately from the positions I put myself into (holding my head down, slumping over my desk crying). So just in this act alone I felt better.

Working out has helped immensely. I always feel better afterwards. Right now I'm procrastinating because I don't want to really work out, but I know I'll feel great when I do! So I will!!!

Another good thing happened to me today. My boss trusts me with things, I've come to realize. He pretty much gave me a huge task that I simply cannot fail in doing. I think if I pull this off it will mean advancement ($$$) in the future which is what I strive for so vigorously every day . There's nothing like that feeling of working hard to make your dreams a reality. I appreciate that he is giving me this task too because I need it -- I have minimal amounts of work to do and this will help me focus and keep my mind off of things.

As for my ex, well, I hope he is well. I feel like he is a stranger to me now and even though I have my low days, I know that I will crawl through this field of **** and come out clean on the other side as long as I keep my head in the game. I'm also furniture shopping and contemplating how I would like to redecorate. I always thought a canopy over the bed would look awesome after a nice paint job.

I'm planning on quitting smoking, too. I want to eventually be fit for the right mate for me, so why not start here?

And I'm also going out on Friday! Yay! Then I can spend the weekend doing more tidying up. I'll probably pick out some paint and possibly even begin the project this weekend! I can't wait to see what it will look like!
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Old 22nd August 2013, 9:56 PM   #49
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So, I quit smoking today. See how that goes . It's only the millionth time! But I have so much pent up anger that I decided to take it out on something in my life and this is the closest thing to me so I threw the empty pack and my lighter in the trash!

I want to be healthy for myself and just be happy for me. I also met someone (well, this is the second guy) but due to the fact that I've just gotten out of a relationship, it makes it hard for me to want them. It's been about a month or so since my ex mentally checked out, but it's only been 20 days of not being together. The problem is I kind of like this guy -- wait hold that thought...he emailed me just now and I can't seem to open it...Never mind he's an ******* too like the rest of them...Jesus...

Well, that's all folks...
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Old 25th August 2013, 1:36 PM   #50
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There are so many memories here. They are good and bad...

I've finally started reorganizing. I've begun taking over his closets bit by bit and now have a small sense of accomplishment. Hell, who am I kidding? I feel great!

I went out to a larger city nearby this weekend to see my old friend from high school. He is single, I am single -- and you know, sometimes rebounds aren't all that bad. I don't feel bad about it all. But what HAS happened is my friend has given me that push in life -- the push to find myself and respect myself. We talked a lot and he identified some things about myself that made me angry. He told me I'm a pushover. I was defensive with him but I understood how true it was.

In high school, I let people walk all over me in order to keep them in my life. He's so right. I've done this throughout my entire life. Now it's time to change this. You either want to be in my life, respect me, love me for who I am, or you don't deserve the privilege of knowing me. No more accepting others mistakes. I can pave my own way without the people who think it's okay to test me and treat me with disrespect. This applies to everyone from here on out.

So, besides that, we hung out, got drunk and did the song and dance. I wonder if we should do it again sometime. I mean, I feel great because I can only ever see him as a friend and the emotional connection I have with him is platonic. Maybe I'm playing with fire -- maybe not.

Anyway, over the next weekend, I will be prepping for the paint job! I'm really excited about this even though it's going to be expensive. I really think this place could use a makeover.
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Old 25th August 2013, 1:43 PM   #51
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Hey, just wanted to tell you that I read you, and that you seem to be doing really well!

Don't know whether getting involved with your friend is playing with fire, but I've found being told things by people about myself so useful and almost "interesting" so that part is definitely worth pursuing!
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Old 25th August 2013, 1:52 PM   #52
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We reconnected after he went to jail. I hadn't seen him in three years, but I thought about him. I thought I would never have the chance to see him again. So when my cousin told me about his situation, I got his information and cast off a letter to him.

He wrote me back the nicest letter letting me know how he was, what happened, etc. I was ecstatic. And he invited me to visit him, so I did.

It was a cold morning when me and my cousin made the 1.5 hour journey up to the prison. I was so nervous to see him. I kept wondering if he was balding, overweight, or just downright ugly. I was pleasantly surprised to see that even in his ugly jumpsuit, he looked great. I stayed for about an hour and left. We talked about everything and I knew it was game over for us both at that moment.

This moment, this day in my life, well, it has taught me a lot about myself. He was two years into what wound up being a three year sentence. I waited faithfully for him for one year and visited him almost every weekend. What I have learned is that I can never be his friend because my feelings come back when I see him. I have learned that I made myself see less valuable by demonstrating I will tolerate anything -- even something like this. This moment in my life made me seem desperate and all too willing.

Pushover= a couple of weeks after he had gotten out, he took it upon himself to steal a bottle of windshield washer fluid because I had run out. It's two dollars and some change...I fought with him about this and my biggest red flag (besides the obvious) was that he could not communicate, he was impulsive, and he clearly had no respect for me (probably due to the aforementioned story).

I loved him and for some reason I still do. I must be crazy. What in the hell was I thinking? I don't regret anything because it got me where I am today, but jesus....If one of my friends went through this I would grab her and shake her and ask her why she needs someone in her life that brings nothing into it and takes everything away...
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Old 26th August 2013, 6:50 PM   #53
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I have funny memories of him today. One time he was waiting to get a new system put into his car and in the meantime, he had this one CD. Every time I got into his car, it was blasting the same darn songs over and over again -- freaking hilarious!

And once my old car had an issue with the stereo. I had the music up really loud while I was driving and I was on my way to class. I tried to turn it down, but it wouldn't budge. It was literally blasting as I drove through the parking lot. I had to turn off the car to get it to stop. Well, after a while it just stopped working altogether until one day, I was driving to his house and it just started going again. I was sooo embarrassed so I asked him to look at it for me.

Well, he did and then he decided he had to buy me a new one . We were getting ready to leave his mom's house (this was before we moved in together) and it started raining. I took out my umbrella and a gust of wind took it and blew it about a block down the street. He chased after it while we both died laughing.

Those were some good memories. Silly ones, but they were great while living in the moment.

I spoke to my friend last night about how I've come to realize certain things about myself, about him, and about us. She couldn't really offer me advice on how to change bad tendencies I had. What I found to be the most profound thing she said was, "It might have been different if he would have communicated with you more. Maybe you wouldn't have been the way you were when you were with him if he had opened up to you and stopped lying. I just think you would have been a different person in the relationship. I am so happy that you are happy." I'm happy that she's happy that I'm happy, haha! It makes me happy to hear she cares about me. And it made me even happier to hear her tell me that I got over this quickly and realized this very early on in our breakup all of the things that went wrong.

I thought it would be months before something clocked me over the head and made me realize that this was just not healthy. It wasn't healthy for me. At one point in our relationship I weighed 100 pounds and wasn't eating. I enjoyed being so thin but when I heard people, my family, telling me it was too much it made me question the reasons why this was happening.

I feel stupid. I feel humble. And I feel proud that I could make such a difference in my life in such a brief period of time. No longer do I walk around with my head hanging low -- my confidence has returned. My smile is no longer forced. I look healthier. I feel like I'm glowing so much so that the guys at work notice a bit too much for my comfort.

I did find out someone stole his wallet while he was enjoying a night on the town . And you know? I think I can finally even be truly happy for him if he finally finds happiness with someone else. I honestly don't think he will return to me for a third time. And this time, if he did, I know I would have the courage to help him to the door one last time.

I love him and part of me always will. But I am a good person. I never deserved the terror he brought into my life. And I will never devalue myself for another man on this planet the way I did with him. F*ck him. I hope he's happy. And he has to live with himself at the end of the day.

On another note, I will be getting together with a friend of mine this weekend. Well, THE friend I've mentioned before. I'm kind of excited to see him although I know we will always be friends -- and I'm okay with that too.
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Old 26th August 2013, 6:52 PM   #54
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Thanks, unexpected! I am doing much better. I feel so relieved. And rebounding with my friend is a bad idea but I don't look for him to make me happy. As long as I keep that in mind, I think I'll be okay.

And if only he'd told me that sooner! Don't ya think things might be different for me now?! Haha....

How are you doing anyway? I'd like to know!!!

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Old 27th August 2013, 7:08 PM   #55
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I'm so happy with my job. My boss, as I've said before, gave me a huge job to do. And I found out today that he really believes I can do it. He thinks this project will make me shine if I pull it off . Yay, plus it gives me something to obsess about which couldn't have come at a better time in my life!

I'm taking this thread for a little turn here. I think I played with fire by sleeping with my friend. I'm not 100% sure yet, but ever since then he has been texting more than ever. I can't decipher whether or not this is just sexual on his part but I've been through the wringer with men...I can't do it again. Well, I shouldn't say that -- I can't do it right NOW with someone I know who hasn't swept me off my feet (and someone might have to hit me with a car to get me to fall in love again). I'm waiting for the semester to begin. Maybe I'll meet someone in college, maybe not, but either way it will take a lot of effort for me to want them. Maybe I'll sit next to the most attractive guy and see what happens, haha .

I guess I'm kind of hoping my friend has needs like *I* do, but I want nothing more than to stay friends and have the occasional evening where both of our needs are *met*. Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe it was too soon. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know I won't hurt myself because I'm keeping everyone at a distance, but I'm just SCARED. I don't know why.

I love my buddy, I really do -- in that platonic sort of way. I would hate to fall into a routine. I want to see him this weekend, but after that I don't know if I'll want to again. I just don't know. I don't regret anything, but I hope he doesn't like me more. I guess that's what I'm getting at.

It's rough. It's beautiful. And this...this is my life. I made it.
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Old 28th August 2013, 9:20 PM   #56
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So, I've been contemplating redecorating and oh my goodness, it is the most difficult thing to do! Wow, I never knew there were so many things I could do. A blue accent wall? With a stenciled design? With a hanging bed canopy? With curtains to match the accent wall? Oh boy, who am I kidding? This is such a difficult decision to make (and I'm afraid it will look like crap)!

Anyway, I think things have cooled down with my fear of my friend wanting more than what I do. I spoke to him today and he definitely seems to be taking that sexual route, which is perfectly fine for me. This is what I want. Someone o come around once in a while and be with me for a short period then disappear. It's a nice feeling, I think.

I do think about my ex a lot still. I know that I miss him, but his memory becomes more and more faint. The more I clean, the more I get rid of things, the more I populate my place with remnants of my former self, the more I realize he no longer exists to me. He is slowly being forgotten just as he has forgotten me.

I sleep like a baby nowadays. The bed is too big for me, but there is no more fighting for blankets or being pushed and pulled in my sleep. There are no dirty socks laying everywhere after I clean. For the first time, when I clean --- it's CLEAN! And it stays that way. No more having to cook dinner. I can live off of cereal and peanuts if I so choose. No more vying for someone's attention who doesn't "feel" like it or doesn't "want" to. Best of all, no more wondering where he is or what he's up to.

I have had moments where I wanted to check his social media. I fought with myself and only once, initially after the breakup, did I look. I no longer have the urge. This might seem callous, but he is pretty much dead to me in most respects. I forget people quite easily -- no matter the impact they've had on my life. Now, I do occasionally chit chat about him with my friend but it makes me feel as though I'm talking about a stranger.

I feel as though I've reached indifference too quickly. I mean I'm glad I've mourned his loss, but it was so fast. I'm genuinely happy. I'm in a happy place. Hell, I hope he is too. I thought I would be picking up shattered pieces of myself for years to come, but this experience has made me wiser in a sense that there are things I will tolerate and things I simply can't. Now, standing outside in the light, I have the wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 29th August 2013, 6:13 AM   #57
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Don't think you've reached indifference too quickly. You may have a relapse later, who knows. But while you're on this wave, ride it until the end my dear!!!

You're doing brilliantly.
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Old 30th August 2013, 5:34 PM   #58
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Thank you, unexpected! I fear a relapse, but at this point it seems so unlikely. Everyone at work notices a different me and I'm more determined to accomplish my job. I hope I can feel this way about school when it starts again too, haha .

Now I'm facing a new issue I don't see posted often at all. My sex drive is through the ozone! My friend is coming up for a couple of days, but I think it's only going to make this situation worse. Seriously, I feel like a teenager. If any man comes near me at work, I think about it instantaneously. If I sit at my desk for long periods, I get overwhelmed. What is wrong with me?! I haven't felt this way in so many years. Actually, never has my desire for sex been stronger. Maybe it's because my body is changing? I don't know...This is ridiculous. I'm frustrated, stressed, and now I'm pissed off because I can't get it when I want it, lol.

This is agonizing.
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Old 3rd September 2013, 10:05 AM   #59
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So everything is going quite well today. The weekend was long and I spent most of the time painting and being with my friend. He's a great person and the familiarity was comforting as I've known him for 14 years now. I can still remember the day we met in high school.

We drank, talked, and got busy. It was nice having a man around. The beauty in this is that I've found possibilities to be indefinite, always new, ever-changing. I'm covering up the red wall with a darker shade of blue. As it nears completion, I feel more hopeful. Life will be different for me and I'm happy for this. The memories stung as I painted it, but I noticed they were negative memories. Memories holding me back, tying me down to the past. I feel free one month into the breakup...
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Old 3rd September 2013, 11:08 AM   #60
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I'm really amazed at how well you're doing, actually! Keep it coming
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