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Lost In The Wild


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 9th August 2013, 12:13 AM   #31
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Yeah, I still love him deeply and would never want to see anything bad happen to him. I had the urge to text him and tell him I still love him but things have to be this way. I simply can't bring myself to do it though. He KNOWS this -- I've told him. My voice even quivered when I told him I'd see him around, so he knows.

I can't fall for anything if there isn't anything there for me to fall for except for Mr. Right. The place I live in is definitely NOT crawling with them either. Ew.

But I wouldn't be honest with myself or with anyone if I didn't admit that I still want him. I want him to want me. I want the communication to be better, but it isn't. The sooner I accept that, the better off both of us will be living separate lives. I have to take what he said at face value -- he wants a friendship. In his mind I've already been friend-zoned. And I don't need more friends much less ones that treated me like a turd and made me miserable. I must admit the peanut butter thing was adorable though. He really loved to eat mine and even broke into my stash I hid.
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Old 10th August 2013, 9:46 PM   #32
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Talking Back In the Groove (and it's quite eventful)!

So, yesterday began like any other day -- I felt good. I felt so good I didn't feel like working. I did the bare minimum and left for the day to enjoy my weekend.

When I got home, I tried to hook up the DVD player my parents let me borrow, but it didn't work so I couldn't return the Xbox. Now, I did let him know this and we had a brief conversation about how things are going. As expected, he is hating living with his mother. I imagine he is working on getting his own place because he has some folks interested in buying his car. He asked how I was and I told him that I'm great, actually. I wanted him to know that I wasn't moping around when I told him I'm doing well. I didn't offer any information about my life because, well, to be honest with myself it's none of his !@#$%^&* business. We wished each other well and that was that.

I read some things on the web then I decided it was time to eat! I haven't been to the grocery store in a loooong time so I just went across the street to get food and beer. I've been drinking more lately but it's cool. It helps me sleep at night when I only have a beer or two. I've been having sooo much trouble falling asleep and staying asleep that I have only been miserable because I just cannot sleep.

Anyway, while I was there at the pizza shop, there was some dude in front of me paying for some beer. I was up next and they serve two people at a time. Next thing I know, the guy says he will pay for my food to which I politely replied, "no thank you, that's not necessary." And he let it be. But as he was walking away he told me I was cute and slammed down two twenties and hurries away so I can't reject it. Okay, so it's been awhile since that has happened -- I've still got it!

I went home, enjoyed some food and beer, watched a movie and just vegged. I'm so freaking glad I can do that now. Before with my ex, it was not an option to stay home -- I always had to be hoppin' and I'm not that kind of person. I work 40 hours a week and go to college -- give me a !@#$%^&* break! I always had to have plans of some kind (or join in on his) or else I was sitting at home alone. I can TAKE NAPS NOW! YAY! I'm sorry but those people who constantly just go and go are mythical to me. I visit friends and family a couple of times a week and that is enough for me -- oh, and the occasional bar night or party. But every day with him? I work, come home, COOK (boy, lean cuisines are my new BFF! no more cooking against my will!), exercise, and then go out to see half the planet. I get too run down. Mmmmm, sleeeppp, you've escaped meee!!!!

I'm starting to see more positives in this than I can possibly imagine. Maybe this is a brief period of denial, but I'm the only child and can entertain myself for years without human interaction. He did think of me as needy because I wanted to spend QUALITY time with him, but going to a bar while he watches sports while I'm talking is not quality time. That left a hole in me when he started doing that (am I not interesting enough?). When we started fishing together, it was fun at first, but then he started taking me to these places where I could get bitten by ticks (carriers of Lyme's disease) -- not cool, and I would whine the whole time (yeah, guys, I have faults too) because I was wearing shorts -- I did ask him if I should wear pants though and of course I didn't need them .

I guess it's unfair that I feel so good. I mean, I did have a heads up that he was going to leave me two weeks before he did so and I grieved his loss then. Now that he's out of sight -- I'm straight. I don't care if I never hear from him again at this point. I'm enjoying being able to do what I want to do because he never let me feel at ease when I made decisions, right down to the brand name of the peanut butter I bought.

Ahhhh, I don't HAVE to clean, but I need to. I need to clean up in here because it looks like someone moved out. And I need his closet space desperately. But first, I must do laundry!!! Arghh!

This morning I helped my friend move to a new apartment. I could only stay with her for a couple of hours, but I'm glad to see her in a better place -- she seems happier. And it was fun talking to her and this guy we work with who also came to help her move. I love her because she is the sweetest person -- she will never say no unless there is a good reason. Which is why when she told us about the holy water and how she didn't know what to do with it, we made jokes about it the whole time. Apparently some guy that used to work where we do gave her this holy water and a crucifix. The holy water is in a Deer Park water bottle with a masking tape label on it. We had a field day with that. I'm dying laughing as I type that.

When I left, I went to my parent's house because they were looking at a new property to buy. My mom has been excited about this place since she first saw it. It looked suitable in the pictures but the only reason I went is because there is an apartment over the garage that I could potentially move in to. I would do this for a few reasons:

1. I rent (rent = I pay money to live here) one of her properties she wants to sell but hasn't because of me and because of my ex. I have also discouraged her from doing so because I like living here -- it makes me feel independent.

2. I can repay all of my student loans! And boy, I dream of being debt-free and living in a house someday when I finish college.

3. I can be closer to them in case they need me. My parents aren't spring chickens anymore.

We get there and I think the house is wonderful. It has a beautiful artisan rustic charm to it and it's great for downsizing. I would be so happy if she can buy it -- even if I don't live over the garage. It's so beautiful even I would consider buying it if I had the money. I make decent, livable wages, but it's nothing compared to what they make. I feel insufficient as it is because I'm not getting any younger either and I feel I should be where others my age are right now. And moving into an apartment over my parent's garage would make me feel insignificant, but I'll cross that bridge when it gets here. I just have to accept the fact that I've spent a long time wanting only to work and not attend college, but that changed for me 4 years ago and I'm almost finished with one degree (ohhh, there will be more to come).

We walk into the back of the yard. A secret garden, of sorts, I thought to myself. It was magical and charming. Then we finally go into the apartment. When we first walked into the lower level, my heart sank. But I looked around and realized there was more to it. Boy, am I glad I gave it a chance! It is wonderful!!! I loved it. It's a little smaller than my place, but I get to ditch the memories of him and move forward. It is just as charming as the house is and I think I would be so happy there (besides waking up at the crack of dawn because it's further from my job). The kitchen is larger than mine is now; there is direct access to the outdoors and I love sitting outside when it's nice like this; my dog would absolutely love being there because she can run around and play all day; I can fix it up anyway I'd like to and remodel a little bit. I would love living there. It would be great to get away from this. I mean, I sort of like where I live now but it's strict here and my ex can find me. If I move, he will never know where I've gone if he comes looking for me.

Do you guys think that with me being 26 and living in my parent's apartment would scare potential mates off (although I don't plan on having many of those)?

Later today I went to get my nails done. I had the top down on my convertible -- something I never liked doing when I was his girlfriend. He would constantly pester me about it which made me hate doing it. So, I decided to live a little and let my hair blow in the wind. That's when I saw him drive by me. His big ol' dome was looking in my direction. I didn't flinch -- I pretended like I didn't see him. HA! I will bet money he was like, "WTF? I could never get her to do that!"

Life. Is. Good.
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Old 11th August 2013, 9:16 AM   #33
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Seriously, I am so very glad to see you're happy, since most of the things on this forum are from people with very early stages of breakup. But really, so happy for you!!! Even though it is early for me still (3 weeks post being dumped), I'm actually not upset anymore (but lets hope that doesn't backfire :P ) and I don't think my ex is upset either, so that is all good.

On a side note... regarding,
- Friend-zone, remember someone getting offended with guys using that term and saying they're immature, but you girls use it too!
- Rustic charm, reminds me of my etsy addiction...
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Old 11th August 2013, 9:46 AM   #34
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Thanks, Virgil! I'm still feeling pretty good, but now that I have a slight chance at moving out of here I'm on edge. I just think it would be best to leave it all behind. There are too many memories here, but hey, if I don't get to move I'll just have to redecorate.

I still don't want to be his friend and I won't. Part of me just wanted to know how he was doing. I'm guessing he is pretty happy with his decision because he wished me well. I'm happy with his decision, too. I don't think he will come crawling back in a few months which will save me a lot of heartache.

I feel so free to do whatever I want -- and I'm realizing there is a little independent person inside me after all. Now I'm worried if I meet someone I will have trouble giving up my independence. I plan on staying single for a while, but anything is possible at this point.

Another thing, I will never live with another man unless he is my husband. I've tried it twice now and both times were unsuccessful. I won't do it! It seems like my cousin did everything the exact opposite of everything I did. She got married last year and on the day I found out my ex was texting someone else, I also found out she is expecting a child. It was written in the sky on that day.
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Old 11th August 2013, 10:18 AM   #35
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I found it very cute when you were saying you found your independence and can rest at home on a Saturday night (correct me if I'm wrong :P ).

I don't think you should disregard living with men, I'm certain they're just not the right people after all.
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Old 11th August 2013, 11:41 AM   #36
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Well, that was actually Friday night, but I did the same thing on Saturday night. I enjoy lying motionless on the best mattress in the whole world sometimes. Sometimes I just itch to get out of the house like last weekend when I went to the craziest pool party I've ever been to. I needed that even though it was a day after our breakup.

Actually, I have read articles that it is better to not live with your significant other before marriage. Those involved in such relationships find that it's easier to walk away even after they get married.

Haha, I wonder if I'll just let myself go now or if he will. Years later we will bump into each other and he or I will tell ourselves, "Thank god I didn't stay with them....holy sh*t." Has anyone ever had that happen?
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Old 11th August 2013, 11:45 AM   #37
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One of the sociology classes that I took last semester was called "Intimate Relationships" (yeah -- not so much fun right after a breakup ), and in the class the professor mentioned that couples that live together before marriage tend to have a higher divorce rate.
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Old 11th August 2013, 11:51 AM   #38
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I do suspect that it is because men tend to take on the form of a medium-sized gorilla that hangs around the house thinking it's funny to fart on you, pet you like a dog, pick their toes, etc.
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Old 11th August 2013, 12:12 PM   #39
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInTheWild View Post
I do suspect that it is because men tend to take on the form of a medium-sized gorilla that hangs around the house thinking it's funny to fart on you, pet you like a dog, pick their toes, etc.
Because pulling hair out in the shower and smearing it on the side of the shower wall is so much more normal
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Old 11th August 2013, 1:26 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by LostInTheWild View Post
I do suspect that it is because men tend to take on the form of a medium-sized gorilla that hangs around the house thinking it's funny to fart on you, pet you like a dog, pick their toes, etc.
I don't!
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Old 11th August 2013, 11:47 PM   #41
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Haha, yeah, when you all know she will clean it up!!!

Today has been an okay day. I thought about him more than I think is normal. I miss him more today than when we first broke up. Even still, I'm still high on life I suppose. I mean, I put the top down on my car again. I cruised around and did some shopping.

The worst of it all was when I went grocery shopping. I know, I've said that it was fantastic that I didn't cook anymore, but it haunted me as I picked up each lean cuisine and shoved it into the cart. I sent pictures to my friend and felt better about it as we laughed, but who am I really laughing with now? Myself, I suppose. There isn't anyone around to say I'm doing the right thing and there isn't anyone around telling me that everything will be okay. So, I suppose I just felt empty right at that moment when people stared into my cart and wondered what the hell I was thinking. But on the positive side -- I did buy some of those meals you can heat up on the stove just to make myself feel like I can cook once in a while.

Then I went home and started laundry. I have to work in the morning which I am not thrilled about, but it will do me some good to get out. I did pick up my dog over the weekend (she was at my parent's all week) just to spend some time with her and yet here I am wallowing in my own happiness/sorrow. I've missed my dog -- she never seemed to miss me though until she realized he wasn't coming back (she waited for him by the door for a few days until she noticed we were going to be alone). Now she licks me to to wake up to take her out and all that. She is a sweet dog but sometimes I'd rather sleep in .

Anyway, I went out with some friends and drank. It was quite fun and I'm glad I did it. We had a great time just laughing and such. I believe sometime in September we will get together again to party and have a blast while we fall asleep at the bar because we drank too much. I do look forward to that because they're such an awesome crowd. I hope it happens while I'm on holiday.

I've been thinking a lot about moving and it has hindered me from making any major changes to where I live now. I want to paint my accent wall a different shade but if I move I won't waste my money -- I'll just save it for my new apartment. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow or on Tuesday. I have my hopes up too high that I'll move.

Okay, to be honest here, I want my hopes to become reality because my ex drives a loud car. It is so nice here now that every time I hear a car drive by I think it's his -- sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. It's hard to decipher that now. It does affect me and I try to peer out the window to catch him driving by, but the trees are too thick to see. I just miss him more than I normally would on a day like this -- I'm not low or anything but he was a great friend to me. I will miss that and the companionship.

This dawned on me earlier today -- I cried the first several times we were intimate because it felt like my entire being was being pushed to the ultimate pleasure. I wonder if I'll ever feel that feeling again with anyone because it was the most erotic period of my life. The pleasure and the love I felt in those moments were full of the most passion I've felt before. I miss that even if our sex life died towards the end. In fact, it died completely until I saw he was going to leave. Then I got what I could before he left. You know, I did feel that with my precious ex and it was only because I fell for him. I guess in order to feel that again I'll have to put the walls down and let someone else in again. I fear doing that now. Men will only hurt me.

Madonna is a great role model for me. She wrote so many love songs about her lovers and it gives me hope that no matter how old I get, someone will always be a great lover to me in some way. I just don't think I could bring a child into this world knowing what I know about politics, manipulation, and the age of alienation. But love again I shall, and love again I'll try. Marriage and children are completely off the table for me. I wanted that with my ex and nothing can change that. I've put my fairytale endings into this guy even as a teenager and it didn't turn out so I just feel it's right to shut that part of myself down. Maybe it will change in time, maybe not. I love him deeply -- and I'm still happy, don't get me wrong, but I guess I miss the idea of what I created for him in the past. It is elusive to me now.

It's like a blurry, sunny dream. I see him smiling and laughing. Our child runs into his arms -- he picks our child up and hugs him. And in that moment, everything bad and negative melts away because he is a good father and he loves me. I love him. We work hard to provide for our child and move forward with our lives. The grass is green, the trees are full, and life seems fruitful. I never got to tell him this. I have asked about our future before and he dodged it. So he never knew how much I cared about this. He never knew what my dreams were made of.

He just assumed I wanted this from any old guy. I wanted marriage and I wanted children -- hell we even tried to have a baby once (which was met with me telling him his sperm swam in circles -- a JOKE ). That was earlier this year and then I changed my mind because he made me feel uneasy. Hell, I'm insecure about having children. I'm insecure about getting married. And all of that vanished from me like a fart in the wind when he left. My hopes and dreams aren't pinned on anything -- they've died. The only thing I hope for is getting my education and progressing in my career so I can have money.

This is a great short term goal for me to have and something I know I can stick with. It just sucks because the person I thought was my best friend left me with no return in sight (again this is okay -- I'm happy without him, too) and I can't share my progress with him anymore.

I hope he's okay. I hope he feels as good as I do. And I hope in time something brings him back to me like it always has in our 9 years (I know I don't need this and the third time's a charm, right? ). I hope we are more mature to work through issues and discuss problems. Just fantasizing.

"If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they never were."
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Old 13th August 2013, 12:13 AM   #42
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I had a bit of a sting of sadness today when I got to work. I was bored and didn't find enjoyment in it. I did find enjoyment in choosing my classes and I'm actually looking forward to the new semester. What really had me elated earlier was when I went to evaluate my degree, I learned I only have six more classes to take then I'm on the path to getting a bachelor's!

Even better, my advisor said the college I chose to complete my bachelor's will more than likely accept me because I have business experience , I can do evening classes, and I'm doing well in school. I can't wait to finish! I mean...it's been so long and I'm so close I can taste it. My company really recognizes this little piece of paper so if I get it -- I'll make more money!

In other news, I went out tonight after work with a colleague who also takes professional pictures as a side job/hobby. I paid him to take pictures of me. He was fantastic! I had so much fun and we got some really nice pictures.

I felt sad on the way home though. I expected my ex's car to be where it always is and it wasn't there. I think I had even let myself hope it was there. Then I went to check the mail and his change of address was there . Reality check: he no longer lives with you. He no longer wants you. He will not return. And he no longer loves you. I have to tell myself this when I get low.
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Old 13th August 2013, 11:29 PM   #43
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I' not really sure what I should say tonight. I mean, I found out from our mutual friend that his mom kicked him out (didn't even last a week) just because he bought a few clothing items for himself . He sold his car and used some of that money for clothes and she flipped out on him. I guess in time I will get around to the stories of her...So, anyway, he moved in with his friend. Good for him. Hopefully that will help him straighten things out in his head so he can keep moving forward with his life.

I, on the other hand, have just sort of been looking for a rebound. I mean, I want the companionship, but I don't want another relationship. I just want a friend that does things with me and sleeps with me. I know that opens up a huge can of worms but I can't help but think that this would be a good thing for me. The problem is there are no hot guys around here that I can see... And I KNOW I just don't want another man in my life that takes my ex's place. There is still a void there...I know anyone who tried to fill it at this point would only get hurt.

I start college up again next month. Maye I'll meet someone there...although the same thing is to be said about the guys on campus. Is it wrong of me to want this? I feel wrong in wanting this...
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Old 16th August 2013, 10:57 PM   #44
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So, today I've missed him. I thought about him more than I would have liked to. The good times are starting to sink in.

I remember when I didn't work and he pretty much supported us a couple of years ago. These were our happy days. He usually worked on Saturdays during the mornings and would come home in the afternoons. We would get ready and go out drinking at night. We were called the "weekend warriors." We partied all the time with friends and sometimes I just felt like the drinking was too much. It started to wear me down in the long run. It made me crazy. When I wanted to stop -- he didn't.

Anyway, on Sunday mornings, he would wake me up all excited to see me awake. I remember when he smiled and his eyes smiled, too. I smile right back. I had this way of looking at him and even now it's like muscle memory -- I can still recreate it. I don't think I could look at anyone else that same way. My eyes sparkled. Then we would be intimate and play like kids throwing pillows, wrestling, showering...We would make big breakfasts together and enjoy them at our table for two.

With the addition of our old dog, our life began to feel almost family-like. He would go to work and I would clean every square inch of this place, go to school, come home and have a home made meal waiting for him when he got home. We would laugh and talk about our days. It was almost too good to be true. Until I lost my trust in him things were all I hoped they could be. People would always tell me he was devoted to me and in a way, looking back, yeah he was.

We went on a boating trip on day. It was a beautiful summer day. We went with his friends and I just kind of fade out in large groups of people so I was quiet. We got on this super tiny boat and headed off into river. We parked near a sandbar, drank, played games, and swam. On our way back, I had put my shirt on, but had my car keys, lotions, and towels in my bag. And boy! I was not expecting this because it was my first time on a boat, but the boat was too full and a larger boat went by us, barely missing us, and a wake went over the front of the boat. I will never swim in a river again. Everything I had -- my shorts, my keys, my lotions, my towels, my bag...all sank to the bottom. Luckily no one was hurt. We all stood up and jumped into the water. The guy on the larger boat stopped to help. We were SO angry... My MOM had to pick us up...

This memory was a good one. Up until the woman he met at the beach told me he had lied to here and told her that the reason he did have a cell phone was because he was on this boat. He told her he lost everything. And conveniently cut me out of the story. What did I ever see in him? Why did he do these things to me? I used to be such a nice person until I turned into someone who was suspicious (and still am, but it makes me good at my job! ), paranoid, and afraid to lose him. But I was also so angry and I still am. I feel like I can't trust any men anymore. And judging by the looks of online dating -- it's confirmation I can't trust anyone!

I guess I'll wait until classes start. Maybe I could meet someone on campus, face-to-face. Or maybe I can just forget about my human desires, wants and needs and just live out my life as an empty shell of a person just working and learning.

This is going to sound stupid, but when I was about 15, I bought a "love" rock (yes, a rock) at a store. It's pink and it was the only one I was interested. I had such a difficult catching up with friends and finding a boyfriend so I bought it. Then it got lost in my room.

One day, I was cleaning and I found it. About a week or two later I met my first boyfriend. Every time I lost that rock and found it again, someone new has shown up in my life, believe it or not! Every time that rock went missing and I lost it then found it again, either I heard from my ex or I met someone new. Now, I keep that rock locked up. Maybe I should lose it again and find it, haha....
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Old 16th August 2013, 11:45 PM   #45
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Am I destined to be alone, out here, lost in the wild? The only person I've truly ever known was you. Sure, I've been with other guys, but none of them pulled me in as deeply as you did. I told you we couldn't be friends, and while that's true, I can't guarantee when we're older and possibly run into each other in the future, I won't fall in love with you all over again. This whole life of mine...The life I created with you...The life I built around you...All of it was because I loved you the first time I saw you. Everything was because of that moment which I could never forget. I think about it every day.

I can still smell you. I can still hear you come home from a long day at work. I can still see you cooking. I can hear you laughing. I can hear us fighting over and over again. I can see you loving me. And I can see you pulling away. I can see your back turning to me at night time. But I can still feel your warmth. I would really love to wake up with you again. Sometimes I still think you're here. Sometimes I think I still hear you. Sometimes I can't stay here, in our home, because I feel you here...YOU HAUNT ME SO...

Nine years of loving you. I must admit the past is the past. I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for the ways I thought I hurt you. And I'm sorry that towards the end -- I stopped being sorry. I'M SORRY!

I miss you for the very few reasons I have left. I miss the OLD you. The one who was happy all of the time. The one who made me laugh until I cried. And the one who made my heart feel like it was breaking because of so much passion. Too much passion.

I still love you with everything in me...Please let me go.
Please let me forget you even existed. I don't want to know you...
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