Mrlonelyone Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I went on a date with a very fine woman off an online dating service. If I was coming to this fresh I am sure I would be elated to have met a magnificent match. How have others dealt with still feeling strong emotion for an ex while trying to move on? The thing is, of all the people to respond to me, it is one who is so similar to M, essentially my ex of one month after 9 months of a casual relationship. This new woman is a bit older and somewhat more emotionally mature. It's almost like I replaced M. . . . with a better M in most objective ways. People pat us on the back and say you'll do better. I should feel more like have. Yet, I still feel heartbroken. After a month of not having her around to annoy me( or vice versa) I suddenly still feel this strong fiery pain in my chest? I am so afraid of hurting someone else or of being hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I'm going through the same thing. I don't have that same passionate desire as I did with the ex. There isn't the pull of just wanting to be near her to touch her. The things I so loved about the ex are not present in this girl and it's hard to focus on the things that this one does so well with none of the drawbacks that the ex had. It's hard not to want her to be the ex. I guess we just have to try and give this person a chance to make that impression on us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 I'm going through the same thing. I don't have that same passionate desire as I did with the ex. There isn't the pull of just wanting to be near her to touch her. The things I so loved about the ex are not present in this girl and it's hard to focus on the things that this one does so well with none of the drawbacks that the ex had. It's hard not to want her to be the ex. I guess we just have to try and give this person a chance to make that impression on us. I know the EX was someone I got to know over the course of nine months after having known each other in passing for a year or more before that. Now suddenly we are not even talking for a month. For reasons that were never explained, or reasoned. I'm sure this new woman has her issues. Part of what I like about the Ex over her, and I'll bet this is why people often go back to Ex's, is that I know much of what I'd be getting. A new person is so full of unknowns. She looks better now but this is the honeymoon. It takes a good six months of constant contact to say one ever knows someone at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 If youre still feeling the fiery burn in your chest from your ex, youre not ready to date yet, not even close. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 If youre still feeling the fiery burn in your chest from your ex, youre not ready to date yet, not even close. In the past I felt the firey burn and my MD told me it was acid reflux. I'll at least try some medicine first. Seriously though I get you're point. On the other hand I really want to give this new woman a chance as long as she's willing to give me a chance. At least a few dates to see if I start to feel different. The new M.... M2.0 deserves that much. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 The new M.... M2.0 deserves that much. You dont see this as a major problem? Youre trying to liken the new woman to the old one. How can you ever let the other one go if youre trying to see her in the new woman? The unknowns about a new person is supposed to make you NOT want the old person, supposed to make you enjoy personality traits that you never knew you liked. Make you wonder why you ever pined over the ex. Not remind you of the ex in many ways. While youre in the ether, you might not even realize that this woman might be nothing like your ex at all, youre just trying to see it. Embrace how shes different so you can have a whole new world from the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 You dont see this as a major problem? Youre trying to liken the new woman to the old one. How can you ever let the other one go if youre trying to see her in the new woman? The unknowns about a new person is supposed to make you NOT want the old person, supposed to make you enjoy personality traits that you never knew you liked. Make you wonder why you ever pined over the ex. Not remind you of the ex in many ways. While youre in the ether, you might not even realize that this woman might be nothing like your ex at all, youre just trying to see it. Embrace how shes different so you can have a whole new world from the ex. I wish it was as simple as a delusion. I seem to attract a type. (This is not an unheard of thing is it?) I messaged hundreds of utterly disimilar people, varied ages, races, nationalities, genders.... The one enthusiastic response is from someone much like my X in many verifiable and objective ways. Just older, more mature, and objectively, logically, probably better for me in every way. In fact I am trying NOT TO SEE THE EX in the new woman with all my might. Then the ways in which I do, only lead to the conclusion that the new woman is simply better for me by all logic and reason. Feelings are not governed by logic. I really truly do not want to feel this way. All I can do is date this new woman and see if I start to feel for her a bit more warmly. By the by, based on her description of her most recent Ex it would not surprise me if I was much like him. The whole thing is bizarre. Link to post Share on other sites
SimonSerenade Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I've been asked out on 3 dates since the break up, said no to all of them, it's not that I don't want to move on its just that I've never generally been in to dating and all that malarkey so when I have gone into a relationship it's because I felt there something special about that person that nobody else could offer. Plus most dates I've been on in the past have ended with girls trying to get me in the sack and that's just something I wouldn't do unless I was in love with somebody, kind of makes me sad to think sex is now something people come to expect after a date, I think mostly I find it hard to date because I would then think of my ex doing the same thing and that's a hard thing to think about so unless I'm 100% sure I'm over someone I couldn't just go out there and feint interest in someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 I've been asked out on 3 dates since the break up, said no to all of them, it's not that I don't want to move on its just that I've never generally been in to dating and all that malarkey so when I have gone into a relationship it's because I felt there something special about that person that nobody else could offer. Plus most dates I've been on in the past have ended with girls trying to get me in the sack and that's just something I wouldn't do unless I was in love with somebody, kind of makes me sad to think sex is now something people come to expect after a date, I think mostly I find it hard to date because I would then think of my ex doing the same thing and that's a hard thing to think about so unless I'm 100% sure I'm over someone I couldn't just go out there and feint interest in someone else. Well my interest in her isn't quite a feint. I really do like this person... but then I only just met them you see? Whereas the EX is someone I courted for nine months and now a month of NC, of me not even wanting to set eyes upon her, now I feel this burning. It is much less today than it was yesterday. But still there is something there. Link to post Share on other sites
SimonSerenade Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I know what you mean man, I didn't mean that how it sounded, obviously there's interest there but your ex is still in the back of your mind and that's gonna hurt you somewhat and your heart probably ain't going to fully be in it. I remember going on a date after my ex from a few years ago left me, the girl was very nice and pretty, blonde too, defiantly my type and as much as I thought she was lovely and good to get on with, I wound up driving home fighting back tears, it didn't make any sense to me and eventually I figured it was because I just wasnt ready and probably because there was a hope that still resided in me that she would break NC and tell me what I longed to hear. I wished that i saw that girl again though and I wish I made myself fight through it because who knows, she could of been something special, she was very kind and gentle, how do you feel about your ex now after this date?. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted June 12, 2013 Author Share Posted June 12, 2013 Well, I have felt a sort of dull burn in my heart over the whole thing. It feels similar to heartbreak...but perhaps I could call it passion. If passion has a feeling this is it. I feel torn between the receptive, new, but unknown and untested; and the tried, true, not receptive or sought familliar but soon to be a total stranger ex. It is not an easy call to make. Link to post Share on other sites
SimonSerenade Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 I don't think it's a call that you have to make, maybe now things look hazy with this other lady, if I was in that situation I think I would feel a sadness, probably because I'd be thinking back to getting to know my ex and how special it felt and if I had a fresh new face infront of me, I think that's where my sadness would come from, I think it's a case of riding it out and seeing how it goes and nothing else, what else can you do? Link to post Share on other sites
RespectfullyAlone Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 I jumped on the online dating thing a few weeks back, hoping maybe it would boost my self esteem, and thinking s**t, I really want to meet that nice girl I've only heart stories about. Enough of the toads, I want my princess! Not alot of girls reply back, in fact none do. And never sure if they are ever "real" profiles, I'm hesitant to even send a msg. I'll tell you what though, install that right click google search plugin in Firefox. Works wonders. Helps weed out the fake accounts almost instantly, as if the image shows up multiple times on Google, chances are the image is either of someone famous, a model, or most definitely it's a fake account. Anyway, I can't bring myself to call this girl to line up going for a coffee. My heart just isn't there. Any girl I have pursued or had come after me, you have this desire, this feeling of "oh wow", this is exciting, she's pretty I hope I don't f**k this one up kind of feeling. You're excited basically, and do your best to not make such a fool of yourself lol. But I don't feel any of that. I'm sure it's due to me still wanting my ex back. But that other part of your brain that tells you, your ex will never come back, you must, you have to... you have to move on, still screams at me. I'm not ready to feel more pain and be reminded of my ex, and how wonderful it was in the beginning getting to know one another, falling in love, making love, being together, I can't do it with anyone else in my mind accept her at this point. I'm trying to do the right things, and put myself out there, to get out there, but I also just want to go home, hide and hope it rains all day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted June 12, 2013 Author Share Posted June 12, 2013 I'm not ready to feel more pain and be reminded of my ex, and how wonderful it was in the beginning getting to know one another, falling in love, making love, being together, I can't do it with anyone else in my mind accept her at this point. I'm trying to do the right things, and put myself out there, to get out there, but I also just want to go home, hide and hope it rains all day. I feel you're pain. The idea of curling up into a fetal position has it's appeal. However, that is now how one moves on. This new woman is really awesome, she's great, and as I think about and process things, I like her for what I know about her. The allure of an EX is as always they are familiar, you know their warts and they know yours. That said, I don't want her. Looking back every week was a drama. One week for a couple weeks or a month everything is fine. Then out of the blue a problem, or drama of some kind. Link to post Share on other sites
SimonSerenade Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 That's great man, in your shoes I wouldn't cut her loose, I mean who says you have to have a future with this woman anyway?, for now, maybe just get to know her and see where it goes and enjoy it for what it is and while it lasts. The temptation of an ex is all alluring and its hard to get them out of your mind no matter what you do, my ex was more or less the same as yours, couldn't just enjoy the relationship for what it was, there was always some kind of fault in her mind, I felt like the luckiest guy in the world and her commitment issues constantly made what we had a bad thing, it's nice not having to wonder wether I'm wanted or not now, for that reason I don't want her but I think I'm a long way off being ready to date yet let alone be intimate with anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
RespectfullyAlone Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Even if I did meet someone, I don't think I could be intimate at this point. Not unless she was a total stunner in everyway, and that attraction was there, the excitement and feelings of really being into her. Otherwise if it was just a date, and then the option to sleep together, I couldn't do it. I've never slept with anyone casually. Only if I'm in a relationship with them has it occurred. That's just the person I am, so even though I at some point need to get back out there, sleeping with girls isn't going to be the answer, if there isn't any attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
SimonSerenade Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 The attraction to me lies in the personality and how close I feel with someone, I'm the same as you, sex to me is a sacred bond, without someone you love it's meaningless and I can only imagine it would feel horrible, I geuss that's the hard thing about dating..... There's expectations, ive never done well with that, I'm 26 in September and I'm stuck in my ways lol my ex really got me into sex but I only got into it because it was with her and it felt special, before her I never really had that appetite for it, oh god I'll probably never have sex again lol. If only my ex would of shown some sort of weakness and opened up more, we might have been having sex right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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