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Confronting your ex


mfleck91

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I'm curious how many of you have had the opportunity to confront an ex who wronged you. We're you able to really lay into them and explain to them why what they did was wrong? Whether it was cheating, handling a breakup immaturely, or any other wrongdoing were you able to confront them about it.

 

And if you did get that chance, how did you feel afterwards? Did it bring any kind of satisfaction or closure? Did it make it easier to move on? Or did it change nothing or even make matters worse?

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Fell4ItHard

Hey there,

 

I have read your story so I know a bit about your breakup. I have been lurking around for a bit now but have not posted yet.

Yes. I was able to confront my ex and I will be totally honest here. It sucked. First off, I could tell just by his body language that he no longer enjoyed even being in my presence and that hurt. :(

And it really didn't matter what I said to him, he just gave the same ol excuses and really just wanted to get away from the situation.

I felt slightly better afterword but the feeling faded and to tell the gods honest truth, I ended up texting/calling him just a few days later as I was still soo angry and felt I still had more I needed to say. It was awful. I was humiliated. I think what I really wanted was for him to respond in a different way. It didn't happen.

I don't think it's worth it, it will probably set you back more than anything but I completey understand the urge to do it.

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Thanks for your reply. I haven't even been able to speak to my ex since the breakup. Even if I wasn't doing no contact she never responded to me. It's like she fell off a cliff. I do feel very strongly about wanting to contact her, but I also fear that she won't respond at all in the way that I want. That's of course if I was even able to get her to agree to talk to/meet me which will probably never happen. You'd swear I was the one that screwed up based on the way she has been acting :/

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I did. Everything he said was 'if want to tell me to go f**k myself just say it'. He shrugged it off, I wasn't going to say it and it would be more convenient for him than having to own up to anything, closure involves responsibility and often actions to 'fix' something and we both had different interpretations of fixing things (which is the reason we're not together)... his answer got me thinking though, I realized there really isn't such a thing as closure for as long as you carry minimal hopes, hopes that can skyrocket by any sign of sympathy, and hopes are evident just by the fact that you're hurting and want them back. After keeping distance (it's been 2 months now), I feel lighter now, see less blurry than at the time when I needed like crazy an explanation or just words (felt like quitting a drug basically)... my feelings became more important, not only I have no other option but to 'close' this on my own but I also feel like I will be able to do it, I don't really need him to clear it up for me and help me break free and move on, his actions are all laid on the table for me to put it together, assimilate what happened and continue to live my life.

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It's not worth it.

 

I've been cheated on and left for another girl twice. This last time was really bad. When I tried to talk to him, tell him he was wrong (even sent a few hateful ones out of anger) it just didn't matter. He didn't care that he was wrong all he cares about is this new girl and deleting me from his life.

 

I would've never got the response I wanted and nothing was going to change. My closure was realizing he wasn't worth it... if he can leave and do this without even talking to me, no respect, why would I want to give HIM any respect?

 

The anger will fade. Time will make it better. Delete everything (including the memories for now) and just keep moving forward. Moving on is your closure. If someone is in your past, they probably deserve to stay there.

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I just hate the idea of giving up on it. It's something I had for 4 years, not some fling. It was my life and what I planned my future around. Giving up just feels wrong. It's a lose lose situation because either way she is gone. I don't understand how someone can say I love you one day and literally 24 hours later leave you for someone else. I don't know why she is so adamant on erasing me from her life. We had a great relationship, no abuse, nothing weird. It makes it all the more surreal and all the harder to leave behind

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maturityassets
I just hate the idea of giving up on it. It's something I had for 4 years, not some fling. It was my life and what I planned my future around. Giving up just feels wrong. It's a lose lose situation because either way she is gone. I don't understand how someone can say I love you one day and literally 24 hours later leave you for someone else. I don't know why she is so adamant on erasing me from her life. We had a great relationship, no abuse, nothing weird. It makes it all the more surreal and all the harder to leave behind

She just isn't worth it. Its better now than later. You have an image of her, but she kept secrets and only showed what she wanted to show. The person she is now is the real her and its sad to believe that because we like to believe we get to know someone in their time with them but they only really cared for you while they had feelings of desire toward you.

 

Now I would tell my ex how immature she was. How she simply lacks a sense of integrity and that she was extremely selfish. She didn't take my feelings into account, whatever she did she was more worried about her image and how others viewed her.

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She just isn't worth it. Its better now than later. You have an image of her, but she kept secrets and only showed what she wanted to show. The person she is now is the real her and its sad to believe that because we like to believe we get to know someone in their time with them but they only really cared for you while they had feelings of desire toward you.

 

Now I would tell my ex how immature she was. How she simply lacks a sense of integrity and that she was extremely selfish. She didn't take my feelings into account, whatever she did she was more worried about her image and how others viewed her.

 

Wow man you just described my ex... Errie.

 

Mflek91, i can see your point of 4 years being hard to forget in your case i think her showing terrible character and even if you did talk to her would it be worth it? She obviously didnt make much of an effort to give you closure so personally i wouldnt bother. I ended up giving my ex a little piece of my mind and i felt a bit better about things as i stood up for myself. I finally could see her minulipatve behavior for what it was.

 

If i was being treated the way you were if i saw my ex on the street i would walk right past,no eye contact or anything because they wouldnt deserve my respect. My ex did chat with me some and we aired out some things and wished each other well so i dont hate her and i wouldnt completly ignore her if i ran into her.

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maturityassets
She just isn't worth it. Its better now than later. You have an image of her, but she kept secrets and only showed what she wanted to show. The person she is now is the real her and its sad to believe that because we like to believe we get to know someone in their time with them but they only really cared for you while they had feelings of desire toward you.

 

Now I would tell my ex how immature she was. How she simply lacks a sense of integrity and that she was extremely selfish. She didn't take my feelings into account, whatever she did she was more worried about her image and how others viewed her.

 

Wow man you just described my ex... Errie.

 

Mflek91, i can see your point of 4 years being hard to forget in your case i think her showing terrible character and even if you did talk to her would it be worth it? She obviously didnt make much of an effort to give you closure so personally i wouldnt bother. I ended up giving my ex a little piece of my mind and i felt a bit better about things as i stood up for myself. I finally could see her minulipatve behavior for what it was.

 

If i was being treated the way you were if i saw my ex on the street i would walk right past,no eye contact or anything because they wouldnt deserve my respect. My ex did chat with me some and we aired out some things and wished each other well so i dont hate her and i wouldnt completly ignore her if i ran into her.

An immature woman (or man) is always just concerned about her desires prior to anything, even the feelings of someone they supposedly love. In the case of my ex, who tried to see if we could spark again after breaking up and hooking up with other guys, did it solely because everybody kept bothering about giving up on a guy like me. Hopefully one day she will figure out it doesn't matter what others think, you commit to actions and decisions based on what is right for you, try not to be short sighted about the relationship, and listen to those who actually have a bit of integrity themselves

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It is seriously frustrating how your image of the person you love can contrast so differently to their behavior. My ex has been an absolute monster to me, yet I know she is acting like herself with this other guy, the way she used to act with me. A mutual friend even told me today that she isn't thinking about me and that is really rough to hear.

 

She broke up with me right after valentines day when she gave me this really sweet card, she said how great I was and how much she loved me. She said how she hoped for many more happy years with me. Then 3 days later she left me for someone else. It's just unreal how quickly things changed. I was completely blindsided and left abandoned for lack of a better word. I mean we talked about marriage and having kids all the time. Now she's a stranger, yet ah acts normal with everyone else. Seriously tears a guy apart

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Doing this accomplishes nothing. Silence says everything better than we could with words.

Had I done this from the start it would be great, but Ive already broken the silence in the past. She knows I think about her and that I want answers and would be willing to talk to her. The cat's already out of the bag so to speak

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maturityassets
It is seriously frustrating how your image of the person you love can contrast so differently to their behavior. My ex has been an absolute monster to me, yet I know she is acting like herself with this other guy, the way she used to act with me. A mutual friend even told me today that she isn't thinking about me and that is really rough to hear.

 

She broke up with me right after valentines day when she gave me this really sweet card, she said how great I was and how much she loved me. She said how she hoped for many more happy years with me. Then 3 days later she left me for someone else. It's just unreal how quickly things changed. I was completely blindsided and left abandoned for lack of a better word. I mean we talked about marriage and having kids all the time. Now she's a stranger, yet ah acts normal with everyone else. Seriously tears a guy apart

You honestly believe she isn't thinking about you at least some of the time? That she simply erased 4 years and the most serious relationship in her life so far? I doubt it. But seriously who cares? People always remember the past, even we are guilty about this. Mature people just forgive and realize certain things over time. I just recently recovered an old friend after my recent break up with my ex girlfriend. I had hooked up with his ex one night and then he justifiably got mad at me but then forgives me only to go out with her again a week later. We had a falling out, didn't talk to each other for a long while when I decided I saw that the real reason he was mad (jealousy) I cut contact. He was upset I didn't want to be friends any longer. I didn't really think of him too often, he occasionally came up in conversation but that's all. Then suddenly out of the blue after my BU I decided to message my old friend. We're friends again now. So yeah people don't forget others when they are close and they learn to forgive. Question is always how close do you want this person back in your life even if they do remember you? My ex, I don't even want to be friends unless she is somehow a reformed person

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Hockeyguy19
It is seriously frustrating how your image of the person you love can contrast so differently to their behavior. My ex has been an absolute monster to me, yet I know she is acting like herself with this other guy, the way she used to act with me. A mutual friend even told me today that she isn't thinking about me and that is really rough to hear.

 

She broke up with me right after valentines day when she gave me this really sweet card, she said how great I was and how much she loved me. She said how she hoped for many more happy years with me. Then 3 days later she left me for someone else. It's just unreal how quickly things changed. I was completely blindsided and left abandoned for lack of a better word. I mean we talked about marriage and having kids all the time. Now she's a stranger, yet ah acts normal with everyone else. Seriously tears a guy apart

 

This is the exact same thing that happened to me, it sucks big time. She was so cold to me when we did talk after the split, a totally different person to me but the same to the new guy the way she was with me. She doesn't think of me either. It's like our 3 years meant nothing to her. It's amazing how they can fake it in cards, words, etc then leave us flat. She blind sided me too, tore me into a million pieces.

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My ex was a npd. When I figured it out I blasted him with the hardest core truths I KNEW would cause narcissistic wounds, he deserved it after all the **** he put me through. I did everything from brag how my new boyfriend's c*ck was twice as big and gave me shooting orgasms, to how much better I was feeling, more money I was making, new educational accomplishments and trips I made, etc. I insulted his intelligence, religion, ethics, and family up one side and down the other after six years of being the quiet nice girl.

 

It felt GREAT! And I'd do it again too if he called! I finally gave myself back the justice, respect and self defense I denied inner self for so long. NO one can treat me like crap any more or ill reave their soul like a demonic harbinger of sorrow!

I feel emasculated just reading this....

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I was driving a couple hours ago, thinking on how embarrassment is one of the predominant feelings I get from my breakup, I know he had his share but when it comes to mine, I feel ashamed of the hopes I shared with him, just opening up, because knowing the way he was capable of hurting me, I couldn't have been more stupid... but the embarrassment is mostly due to my attempts to have "closure" "talk" "care" "clean breakup" "fix things"... just the simple action of looking back and dragging myself down to the level of someone that can't even keep up his word, that goes down the coward route and wouldn't mind betraying others, ew. Every time I did it I sank lower, I wish I could take back all of these attempts, they reduced me to very little... it would've been so amazing to have dropped him from my life without the unnecessary loss of self-respect. Obviously the idea of bringing up sex and not having done that ever in any of our fights makes me feel like at least not all values went out the window...

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maturityassets
I was driving a couple hours ago, thinking on how embarrassment is one of the predominant feelings I get from my breakup, I know he had his share but when it comes to mine, I feel ashamed of the hopes I shared with him, just opening up, because knowing the way he was capable of hurting me, I couldn't have been more stupid... but the embarrassment is mostly due to my attempts to have "closure" "talk" "care" "clean breakup" "fix things"... just the simple action of looking back and dragging myself down to the level of someone that can't even keep up his word, that goes down the coward route and wouldn't mind betraying others, ew. Every time I did it I sank lower, I wish I could take back all of these attempts, they reduced me to very little... it would've been so amazing to have dropped him from my life without the unnecessary loss of self-respect. Obviously the idea of bringing up sex and not having done that ever in any of our fights makes me feel like at least not all values went out the window...

I did the same exact thing, but I don't think we should feel guilty. Just shows we had the integrity they didn't

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This just made me laugh till I squeezed my thighs to keep from peeing - thank you!!!

Glad I could give you and your thighs a laugh lol

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marqueemoon4

OP she sucks. Be very glad you never married her or had a child with her. And honestly tearing into her would accomplish nothing. Respect yourself, accept the loss, and find a woman who is worthy of you.

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Man it just severely sucks. I'm talking to a friend right now who says my ex left me because I wasn't fun enough it didn't go out enough. Which now all I do is go out and have fun. My friend says we would probably get along great now. Although I still feel that ending a 4 year relationship based in partying is stupid as hell

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Sorry I'm a little drunk and just really emotional. I'm just tired of it all and just can't understand what happened to my ex and I. I've never missed someone so much.

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So after hanging out with a mutual friend last night my friend dropped a mental bomb on me. He said that if I had acted the way I do now while I was with my ex that we would probably still be together. He's basically saying that now that I go out to bars and drink its what my ex wanted. According to him part of the reason she left me is that I wasn't "fun" enough.

 

I don't know what frustrates me more. The possibility that the reason for the breakup could have been such an easy fix that I failed to see, or that my ex would walk out on a 4 year relationship over something as trivial as not partying enough.

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I'm curious how many of you have had the opportunity to confront an ex who wronged you. We're you able to really lay into them and explain to them why what they did was wrong? Whether it was cheating, handling a breakup immaturely, or any other wrongdoing were you able to confront them about it.

 

And if you did get that chance, how did you feel afterwards? Did it bring any kind of satisfaction or closure? Did it make it easier to move on? Or did it change nothing or even make matters worse?

 

Confront? You mean D-day? If so then yeah. I confronted the girl I was supposed to marry with the evidence I found of her cheating on me. And this sweet, kind and loving girl that I fell in love with turned into a Pit Viper. She called me a loser, never going anywhere in life, always going to be satisfied with dead end jobs, never going to college and she decided that she was going with someone that had a future. BUT! at least she never said that this douche rocket was better in the sack than me. No tears from her and absolutely no remorse.

 

Not the way I envisioned that going down like that and I was absolutely devestated. My self esteem was in the toliet. I became a hermit and a mess for a while until a friend of mine literally kidnapped me and we jumped a train for a weekend in St. Louis to party it up and get outside my small little apartment. That really helped me clear my head and when I got back, I decided that I was going to prove her wrong. I did end up going to college and a LOT of it. I learned that I liked the feeling of getting good grades. I finally finished college and started in my career and did exteremely well at it. After that weekend, I caught the bug to travel. Life is too short, so have adventures! I've been to no less than 20 countries and you meet some really great people along the way. I met my wife who is 1000 times better than my Ex in so many different ways and we have been happily married for many years now. She understands my need to travel and sometimes she comes with me, sometimes she doesn't. It depends on what I'm doing. Like, my last adventure was cycling the Cameno De Santiago which was a bike trip in Southern France, over the Pyreness Mountains into Spain and then straight west until you reach Santiago. Her riding a bike through two countries wasn't her idea of a good time so, she bowed out. However, I did have to agree to take her on an extended weekend to Macinaw Island in Michigan. So, it all worked out.

 

So, I did prove my Ex wrong. I have a great life with a house in the Suburbs. A great career, loving wife and an adventurous life.

 

The best revenge we can get is to lead a DAMN good life.

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I just hate the idea of giving up on it. It's something I had for 4 years, not some fling. It was my life and what I planned my future around. Giving up just feels wrong. It's a lose lose situation because either way she is gone. I don't understand how someone can say I love you one day and literally 24 hours later leave you for someone else. I don't know why she is so adamant on erasing me from her life. We had a great relationship, no abuse, nothing weird. It makes it all the more surreal and all the harder to leave behind

 

Trust me, I know your situation. I swear all of this ^^ is what just happened to me. But you can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to hold on to you. Don't you want someone who is crazy nuts about you and will never leave? I know it's hard when you think this person WAS that person, but you have to realize they're not anymore and move on. It's hard, I know... but we all have to do it and you're strong enough. Keep going.

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There is just so much I want to say to her and I can't. I keep thinking of ways that it could work out either now or in the future.

 

Even if there was a way to get back together my friends and family know everything that she has done and would never accept her again.

 

Finality is a serious b***h. My life is an upside down mess. The girl I was going to marry left me for someone else and I'm in shambles

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Dude, did you even read my post? My Ex did the SAME thing to me. But, I got my life back and made it sooo much better!

 

So, if you re-read my post you know how I turned out. What about my Ex? Well, the last I heard is that she did end up marrying the guy she cheated on me with. And "Mr. Going to have a future" started going to University the same time I did (different schools though). Well, he had to transfer to the University of I'm pregnant and you need a job.

 

SO, here I am (the loser that's going nowhere) with a Doctorate and traveled the world and back with a lovely home and a lovely wife and she traded up and married Mr. Future and the last I heard he's an ambulance driver.

 

So, in a weird way, I owe a little to my Ex. My motivation to prove her wrong, improved my life 10 fold. For the first year of college, it was all about proving her wrong. But, then I let go of it. SHE wasn't doing the work, I was. She wasn't writing the papers and taking the tests, I was. I let her go and it became about me and my OWN personal goals.

 

Hey, if she's happy with her life, fine. I really don't care. Because, I KNOW I'm happy with mine.

 

At some point you just got to let go, dude. Be selfish and fix YOU!!!!

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