he's tired of the family life

[lizzytish]

We met, fell in love (we were both lonely) but it was real. Great friends. I have two girls, he's never dated anyone with kids. My teenager is not taking to it too well, and I understand. Circumstances with my lay off from my job, my rental being sold...we had to move in with him after 4 months of dating. He was loving the family life at first, now 6 months into living together he's tired of it all. I know he's not happy, neither am I. He's distant, we argue about the 14 yr. old all the time, my 9 year old loves him, and he loves her. He does not like the 14 yr. old very much. She's terrible to him. I don't know what to do. I have no money, no job and it would distroy the 9 yr. old to have to leave. I promised my 14 yr. old that this was it, this was real, we have been engaged since Nov. but I can't plan a wedding with all this up in the air. Nor do I want to at this point anyway.

[bluechocolate]

I'm not a parent so it's difficult for me to fully understand what the dynamics are with children & step-parents (which in a way I guess he is). Having said that I have an Aunt with 4 children, who were some of my closet cousins growing up, and she married a man with 6 children, and boy were there issues in that house! In the end they stayed together until the last of them left the house - no mean feat with 10 kids covering a vast age range.

 

I would say that 4 months into dating is too soon to move in with someone, especially when there are children involved, but it sounds to me like you didn't have much choice.

 

It seems odd to me that a grown man would express dislike for a 14 year old child, but if, as you say, she is terrible to him I guess he may have a point. I spent several summers working with inner city kids whose parents couldn't afford summer activities & I've met many children that I can say I didn't like but then I've never had to live with them!

 

Regardless, I can't understand how you can allow your 14 year old to dictate or control your adult relationships. Are you supposed to seek her permission or something? You can't plan your wedding because she doesn't get along with your fiance - this baffles me. You have no job so he is paying the bills and paying for the roof over her head and presumably for her meals, clothes, etc. I would think that he has a reasonable expectation, not of gratitude, but certainly of respect from the children living in his/your house. Why is she so horrible to him? What is going on there? You and your boyfriend should be showing a united front so why are the two of you fighting about her?

[lizzytish]

thanks for the input, you are right on the money in what you said. In fact it's everything he says. Almost word for word. I'm at my wits end, though. I have put her in the hospital for depression, taken her to counseling, grounded her from the telephone, television, friends, computer etc. when she's disrespectful to him and nothing seems to matter. My mother is very close with her and seems to negate everything we're trying to do here. I've even tried keeping her away from Mom. She gets all A's on her report card, she doesn't dress like a tramp, she's not boy crazy and never causes trouble outside the house. My question is, where do I go from here? I don't know what to do about her, or the relationship she has with my fiancee.

[bluechocolate]

Do an internet search on stepchildren,

 

Stepfamily Associatin of America -

 

http://www.saafamilies.org/

 

could be helpful, lots of articles & FAQ's there.

 

Also maybe this book (although I know you're not the step-parent here) could be helpful. Apparently it has gone into its third printing so clearly someone is buying it.

 

The Stepmom's

Guide to

Simplifying

Your Life

 

by Karon Phillips Goodman

 

 

Best of luck to you.

 

p.s. sounds like you've got some issues here with your mother as well !!