How to deal with long-term BF's emotional connection with long-time friend

[HeadVHeart]

Hi all - thank you for taking the time to read my post...my boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years. We have had our normal ups and downs, mostly due to my commitment phobia and his communication issues. I have recently learned to become more vulnerable and to allow myself to let him in...then I discovered he had developed emotional feelings for one of his best friends, whom he considered a "little sister". She is almost the opposite of me - totally secure in a relationship, enjoys the traditional concept of marriage, would love to be a "wife and mother". He says that that was something he felt he was missing from me. I struggled with admitting my feelings were wrong, that I was simply guarding myself...I would like to get married one day. He said that the feelings for her were temporary, fleeting - that it was a combination of her willingness and desire to be a wife and the extent and closeness of their friendship. He says it wouldn't work out anyway since he is with me and she has just moved to another state. He says he loves me and is staying with me, says he wants his future with me. I asked that he distance himself from her while we continue to work on our relationship. I stated that it wouldn't be fair to us or our relationship if he ever went to talk to her if and when we had problems - playing with fire, so to speak.

 

Since I found out about his feelings, we have been doing much better in our relationship. We are slowly re-building trust, opening lines of communication...we are happier with each other as each day passes.

 

What concerns me is how I should handle their friendship? She is one of his best friends and they are very interconnected with each other's families. His parents think of her as one of their daughters...and my boyfriend is nearly one of her parent's sons. While she is currently in another state, she could just as easily move back home, or just visit...at which point I am sure they would want to get together to catch up. I will note that I have never had an issue trusting him in the past, especially with his friends. I know her, but it is only because I met her through a mutual friend of my boyfriends (she is our friend's younger sister)in high school. She was 14 when I last saw her, and we were just graduating. So I have never spent time with my boyfriend and her during the course of our relationship - they have always grabbed lunch/dinner by themselves to catch up. It never bothered me before, no matter how late he came home...but now that I know of his feelings (no matter how temporary they were), it does bother me to think of them spending time with each other, looking at each other from across the table.

 

I suppose it will take some time to adjust, to allow for our bond to become stronger, and to allow our trust to be re-built...but does anyone have any advice? It's painful and uncomfortable, but I would never dream of telling him to cut ties with any of his friends.

[JJ72]

If he is truly the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, give him what has been lacking in your relationship. Then he won't have to look for it from someone else.