LittleTiger Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I just found out that my ex husband died this evening. We have been friends since we were children - 41 years in total. I don't remember a time when he wasn't a part of my life. Even since we split up he was only ever an email or a phone call away. I can't believe I will never talk to him, or see him ever again. I am devastated and I don't know what to do with these feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry for your children too. XO Was he not well? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 Thank you amaysngrace. We were together as a couple for 14 years but we never had children. I guess that's a good thing now. He wasn't ill, no. It was completely out of the blue. A fit and, as far as any of us knew, healthy man of 48. He just died in his sleep after a night out and we have no idea why. The shock is just unreal! Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I extend my condolences and what a tough shock. That's quite young and you'll be feeling a major loss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I can't even imagine what you're feeling right now. I've known people who have died suddenly and I have a little idea of what that's like but nothing compared to what you're experiencing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I’m so sorry to hear this. A loved one who dies suddenly, it’s just so hard. You can’t even comprehend it for quite some time because it was so sudden and makes no proper sense. You said you don’t know what to do with the feelings you have? What ARE you feeling right now? Obviously grief… I find in a grieving situation, many people experience secondary emotions that complicate things, such as guilt or regret or anger. These are the ones that take longer to work through and make the sadness even worse. I’m not sure if you’re feeling any of this. I hope not, though most people do for whatever reason. I like that you were friends even after you broke up. My first ex and I were best friends since we were 14 years old, were in a 4 year relationship from age 18-22, then broke up but have been best friends ever since, and now we’re 34. I’m aware it’s quite unusual to be friends with an ex, so I like hearing about others who have maintained closeness even after breaking up. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I'm sorry for your loss. I am recently divorced and can't even begin to process how I would feel if that happened. Use this time to consider your relationship to Jesus. The Bible says it's GOOD to ponder death because we all are headed there. It's hard to realize that an entire persons life can just come to an end like that. Consider it as if it were your own. After all, you did say you still are friends with him. Do you feel ready for death? I believe everyone should live in a way which acknowledges their mortality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 I’m so sorry to hear this. A loved one who dies suddenly, it’s just so hard. You can’t even comprehend it for quite some time because it was so sudden and makes no proper sense. You said you don’t know what to do with the feelings you have? What ARE you feeling right now? Obviously grief… I find in a grieving situation, many people experience secondary emotions that complicate things, such as guilt or regret or anger. These are the ones that take longer to work through and make the sadness even worse. I’m not sure if you’re feeling any of this. I hope not, though most people do for whatever reason. I like that you were friends even after you broke up. My first ex and I were best friends since we were 14 years old, were in a 4 year relationship from age 18-22, then broke up but have been best friends ever since, and now we’re 34. I’m aware it’s quite unusual to be friends with an ex, so I like hearing about others who have maintained closeness even after breaking up. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks stevie. Unfortunately I am feeling all sorts of things right now. Grief, yes, like I have never experienced. Guilt, regret, anger, fear, sorrow, emptiness, shock and excruciating pain. Right now, it just feels too much. I can't believe he isn't 'here' anymore. He has always been here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 I'm sorry for your loss. I am recently divorced and can't even begin to process how I would feel if that happened. Use this time to consider your relationship to Jesus. The Bible says it's GOOD to ponder death because we all are headed there. It's hard to realize that an entire persons life can just come to an end like that. Consider it as if it were your own. After all, you did say you still are friends with him. Do you feel ready for death? I believe everyone should live in a way which acknowledges their mortality. Thank you for your kind words. I am not religious but I am spiritual and I have no fear of my own mortality. We all face the possibility of death every day. I came to terms with that a long time ago. It is other people dying that brings greater fear for me and that fear has just run me down like a 10 tonne truck! Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 He is still here with you, in a way. The spiritual way. I know that doesn't mean much right now, but he will never really leave you because of what you two shared. He loved you, cared for you and respected you, and you will never lose that. You have no real reason to feel guilt over anything you may have done or said to him in the past. You of course have no reason to feel guilt over the fact he has died. Guilt is a pointless, unnecessary emotion that just complicates the already difficult grieving process. Guilt is also a selfish emotion. It benefits nobody except to make the person feeling it feel really bad. Regrets? Everyone has those, but since you were friends even despite not being a couple anymore, it seems clear to me that he knew you loved and respected him. That is all that matters in the end...that he knew that. And you knew he felt the same about you. There should be no regrets in that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Onionator Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Thank you for your kind words. I am not religious but I am spiritual and I have no fear of my own mortality. We all face the possibility of death every day. I came to terms with that a long time ago. It is other people dying that brings greater fear for me and that fear has just run me down like a 10 tonne truck! I'm sorry for your loss, I can even begin imagine what it feels like to lose someone you've known for that long. I greatly admire your ability to stay friends for so long it's something that I was hoping was possible. Hearing 41 years gives me true hope in my own life. I recently broke up with the girl I was best friends with since the age of 11 and while not on the best terms right now I'm hoping we can find it in our hearts to stay great friends for years to come. I cant imagine losing her as a friend let alone losing her from this earth. Focus on the positives of your friendship with him, it was really something special if it lasted for this long. The negatives were just a part of any relationship and the bond of close friendship you had with him is irreplaceable. Cherish and honor that. I wish you luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 So very sorry to hear this, LT. {{{hugs}}} 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Im so sorry, little tiger....... :(:( I am sure it helps that you have a wonderful partner through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I'm sorry LT. I can imagine the shock but not the depth or places the loss would feel. Hoping you adjust well and find peace after such an unfortunate event. May he rest in peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 He is still here with you, in a way. The spiritual way. I know that doesn't mean much right now, but he will never really leave you because of what you two shared. He loved you, cared for you and respected you, and you will never lose that. You have no real reason to feel guilt over anything you may have done or said to him in the past. You of course have no reason to feel guilt over the fact he has died. Guilt is a pointless, unnecessary emotion that just complicates the already difficult grieving process. Guilt is also a selfish emotion. It benefits nobody except to make the person feeling it feel really bad. Regrets? Everyone has those, but since you were friends even despite not being a couple anymore, it seems clear to me that he knew you loved and respected him. That is all that matters in the end...that he knew that. And you knew he felt the same about you. There should be no regrets in that. Thanks again Stevie. I spent the day yesterday talking with friends and family, his and mine, and our mutual friends too. We are all shell shocked but starting to work through the grief. This is like nothing I've ever experienced before but it's comforting to know that others are having similar thoughts and feelings. He was a really good man, and he lived life to the full. It's just so sad and so unfair that his life was taken so early. So many people are struggling to imagine a future without him in it. Thank goodness we all have so many great memories of him to share. He will definitely stay alive in our hearts and I'm trying very hard to take comfort in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 So very sorry to hear this, LT. {{{hugs}}} Im so sorry, little tiger....... :(:( I am sure it helps that you have a wonderful partner through this. I'm sorry LT. I can imagine the shock but not the depth or places the loss would feel. Hoping you adjust well and find peace after such an unfortunate event. May he rest in peace. Thank you Elswyth, Leigh and DoT. I appreciate the hugs Elswyth. They are in short supply at the moment. DoT, the depth of this loss is like nothing I could have imagined before. I have a completely new understanding of grief. My heart just goes out to his parents. I have known them for 40 years too and i wish i could do more to comfort them. To lose a child must bring the most unimaginable pain, however old they were. Leigh, it does help to have a wonderful guy to support me, albeit it from 10,000 miles at the moment. I think I'm very lucky that he understands the relationship I had with my ex and isn't threatened by the overwhelming sadness I am freely displaying. I am very thankful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 I'm sorry for your loss, I can even begin imagine what it feels like to lose someone you've known for that long. I greatly admire your ability to stay friends for so long it's something that I was hoping was possible. Hearing 41 years gives me true hope in my own life. I recently broke up with the girl I was best friends with since the age of 11 and while not on the best terms right now I'm hoping we can find it in our hearts to stay great friends for years to come. I cant imagine losing her as a friend let alone losing her from this earth. Focus on the positives of your friendship with him, it was really something special if it lasted for this long. The negatives were just a part of any relationship and the bond of close friendship you had with him is irreplaceable. Cherish and honor that. I wish you luck. Thank you Onionator. I am sure you and your best friend will find your way to a level of deep friendship that will endure for life. Some people touch our hearts in such a way that they become a part of the fabric of our being. The loss of that fabric, however small, is excruciating beyond belief. You should make the most of your special friendship because, as I now know only too well, it can be taken from you in a heartbeat. My ex and I have a long history which does include some fairly rough moments, especially towards the end of our marriage, but we never stopped loving one another and that's what really matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Onionator Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Thank you Onionator. I am sure you and your best friend will find your way to a level of deep friendship that will endure for life. Some people touch our hearts in such a way that they become a part of the fabric of our being. The loss of that fabric, however small, is excruciating beyond belief. You should make the most of your special friendship because, as I now know only too well, it can be taken from you in a heartbeat. My ex and I have a long history which does include some fairly rough moments, especially towards the end of our marriage, but we never stopped loving one another and that's what really matters. Thank you for that. We still love each other greatly but recently I haven't been contacting her back because I still do have romantic feelings for her and it pains me to see her with someone else. I want to be in her life for years to come but I dont know how to suppress those feelings. I love her and care about her greatly but its just hard for me to give her up to anyone else, I'm still so possessive of her...do you have any advice as to how to preserve this friendship after a breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I hope you're doing better too, littletiger. XO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 I hope you're doing better too, littletiger. XO Thanks amaysngrace. I'm not doing well at all really. Still in shock and the tears won't stop but I guess these things take time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Thank you for that. We still love each other greatly but recently I haven't been contacting her back because I still do have romantic feelings for her and it pains me to see her with someone else. I want to be in her life for years to come but I dont know how to suppress those feelings. I love her and care about her greatly but its just hard for me to give her up to anyone else, I'm still so possessive of her...do you have any advice as to how to preserve this friendship after a breakup? I'm sorry you're struggling to let her go because that really is the trick to maintaining your friendship. I don't know your story but if the break up is very raw you will need to take a step back and minimise contact between you until you're able to deal with seeing her attached to someone else. In our case, we were childhood sweethearts. We went our separate ways many times, often just staying in touch with Christmas and birthday cards over the years and the occasional phone call. I was invited to his first wedding although I wasn't able to go. True friendship runs far deeper than just spending time together on a regular basis. The kind of bond that we had is created through an enduring mutual love and respect, plus an acceptance of the other person's needs, even when they are very different from your own. What is most important is the desire to see that person happy - even if it isn't with you. That's how it was for us anyway. I hope that helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Thanks amaysngrace. I'm not doing well at all really. Still in shock and the tears won't stop but I guess these things take time. This is probably going to take a really really long time unfortunately. For some reason when people I've known who have died suddenly pass, it is like my mind plays tricks on me and I swear I see them out and about. And then I look again and it isn't them at all. But I don't know how it is for you. You were like his real life My Girl. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you're feeling so sad. XO Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleTiger Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 This is probably going to take a really really long time unfortunately. For some reason when people I've known who have died suddenly pass, it is like my mind plays tricks on me and I swear I see them out and about. And then I look again and it isn't them at all. But I don't know how it is for you. You were like his real life My Girl. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you're feeling so sad. XO I think you are right. Forty years of friendship is a long time so I don't expect to just get over it in a couple of weeks. I am having some very strange, even disturbing, thoughts and feelings but I haven't imagined seeing him anywhere yet. I have heard of that happening though and I believe it's perfectly normal so I'm prepared for pretty much anything. I contacted a bereavement counsellor today because I think I'm going to need to some help with this one. I have an appointment next week and I'm hoping she will be able to reassure me that I'm not going insane! Thank you again for your kind words. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 That is wonderful that you're going to see somebody. It is so much better to get help than to be overwhelmed. That's a very brave move. (((hugs to you))) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I'm so sorry for your loss and his family and friends' loss. I'm not really good at this thing, but you're in my thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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