A freaking inception, that's what it is...

[Reddice]

Hi there guys. It's been a while since I last posted on these forums. Not because I got over my ex, not at all. But due to the fact that my life has been going downhill ever since. I was hoping that cutting myself off from this forum might help me out emotionally, as it was a link to my past. Also, I was feeling so bad that I felt like a hypocrit by advising other people while I could not even handle my own emotions. But more on my downward spiral to hell some other day. Today was perhaps the absolute depth of 2012, since the break-up.

 

So what has been going on and why am I posting in the coping section? Well, my ex contacted me again. The only thing is... she didn't contact me today, but last week. Last week tuesday, I got a call right out off the blue. Seeing as I don't have her phone number anymore, I didn't know who it was. I picked up, and heard her voice tremble on the other side of the telephone. She wanted to talk. I had my cousin over, so I couldn't talk. I asked her if she kept it short, we could talk. She replied by saying it would take a while. I hung up. I was quite shaken up. I didn't expect to hear from her ever again and was taken completely off guard. I thought that would be the end off it, figuering she was looking for a way to relief he own guilt and she had gotten her ego trip somehow.

 

So 24 hours passed and I got a text message, saying she misses me, has been thinking for the past 6 months almost non-stop about me, and that she wants to know how I feel. It took me hours before I could sent her a simple reply: "I don't believe you". She replied by asking what it was that I didn't believe. It took me another hour to write her that she left me for some other dude, so what was there to miss. Her reply then was that she had been comparing him with me so often and their relationship with ours so often, that they were splitting up. I didn't care enough to reply at that moment. I thought I was in quite a good spot. So I started digging around on her blog and on their facebook websites. He still had a picture of both of them up and she had her blog plastered with their holiday pictures to Paris and Thailand. I was getting angrier by the minute and then... I ran across one of her earlier posts. It was a movie review of "The Vow". The review was placed in May of 2012, but she wrote in it that she was still missing her ex, who she broke up with a few months earlier. She stated she was not over me. Just as the male protagonist in the movie, I would have done everything in my power just to win her back. The movie reminded her too much of me. And she stated that I was a great guy and it made her sad that we broke up. My anger dissapeared. And so... I went to bed, all confused.

 

So the next day I texted her back. I wrote her that if she was really serious, she should call me or visit me and not send me stupid messages. Later that night, she called. The conversation started in the worst way possible: by her lying to me. When talking about the holiday, she said she had only been with her brother on holiday. She was obvious oblivious to the fact that I already knew all she had been doing these past months and thus knew she had gone with her new bf. I didn't say anything then. But as the conversation progressed and she kept saying how sorry she was for everything and how much she missed me, I struck back with perhaps the best line I ever used: "So if you're so sorry for everything, so sorry for lying and are missing me so much, how come you started this conversation with a lie?" It went completely quiet on the other side of the line. For a second there, I though she had hung up. I asked her if she really respected me so little that she had to lie to me constantly. She said she respected me a lot, and would never let anyone talk bad about me. I was the only man she had ever loved and she was extremly sorry for everything. We talked for an hour and a half and we both ended up crying for the main part of the conversation. She even told me that she had been unable to throw away anything I had given her. She still slept in one of the shirts I had bought her, she still wore my rings, she still slept with the stuffed animals I had given her and she had saved all of my pictures. In fact, she had even taken my Linkedin picture (she's blocked on facebook) and had saved that on her pc. I ended the conversation by saying that I had absolutely no intention of staying friends, as she wanted to maintain contact. I said that if there was any chance at all to get back at the relationship, all would have to come from her. I would not invest a single second into it at all anymore.

 

So, I felt fine. I thought I had done well. Then the days passed and a strange feeling started nagging at me. Thinking that she might have changed and that perhaps she was as sorry as she said. I started thinking that perhaps we might have a future again someday. And yesterday, I decided to dig again. Her bf still has the picture of both of them on his facebook, no signs of splitting up. I found out she was definately living with him (she claimed in the conversation that she wasn't), even her webshop is on his address. And like that, a few more lies were discovered. So... the good feeling I had dissapeared completely. How could she continue lying to my if I was that special and important to her? If she was lying about all sorts of things, what more is she lying about I wonder?

 

And today, I felt like complete crap. My work situation is completely hopeless, with no chance of improving anytime soon. My financial situation is extremly worrying with huge debts. I might even lose my house. My health is at an all time low, as I am probably suffering from arthritis at my 28 years of age. All my hopes and high expectations for the future have gone out the window. And now... the only person I have ever loved, the only person I have ever wanted to grow old with, the person who should have had my back in difficult times is most likely playing me for a fool, as there is no other explanation to it. And still, she is there, somewhere in my head and heart. Her call was a freaking inception, that's what it was... I have no other way of putting it. It's growing inside of me and consuming me.

 

**** this ****! I wish I wasn't me. I wish I was never born... I wish I didn't still love my ex.

Edited October 2, 2012 by Reddice

[CopingGal]

This is why I will never, EVER talk to my ex again except "Hello" if I happen to run into him. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. I worked too hard to get where I am not emotionally and I'm not going to let some creep destroy it on a whim.

 

This is why you have to stay away from her. She's no good for you. Just stay away.

[g450]

Sorry to hear about all this. Take that knife out of your back and wash and dress your wound.

 

Put her new number on ignore and stay off facebook.

 

You have enough troubles to attend too to have to deal with a toxic, lying, cheating and manipulative woman again.

[CopingGal]

This is why I will never, EVER talk to my ex again except "Hello" if I happen to run into him. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. I worked too hard to get where I am not emotionally and I'm not going to let some creep destroy it on a whim.

 

This is why you have to stay away from her. She's no good for you. Just stay away.

 

I meant to say "I worked too hard to get where I am NOW emotionally and I'm not going to let some creep destroy it on a whim."

[Exit]

Rough story. Of course my advice is to run. It is not easy to say that because I know if I'm honest with myself, if my ex contacted me I'd probably struggle to stay on track and leave her behind. But regardless, I do still think that's what you need to do. You see that she's lying. She left you for someone, now she's with him, now she's lying to him by talking to you, she's lying to you with the things she's talking about, she's just a liar. She doesn't care who gets hurt or who else is affected by all of this, she just cares about herself. Things might not be great in her relationship right now so she reaches out you, and even going so far as to lend her an ear and actually listen to what she had to say probably did give her an ego boost.

 

Even if you still wanted her back, you've already laid out the terms, it would all have to come from her and you aren't going to waste any time on it. So stick with that. You see nothing is changing on her Facebook, you see they probably aren't broken up, so just leave it alone.

 

Also, here's one key distinction. She didn't call you and say she already broke up with her boyfriend because she missed you so much and she was always thinking about you and she knew she couldn't stay with this person. She called you first, leaving her current relationship still in tact, so depending on which end of this situation blows up in her face, she'll still have somewhere to run. And of course even if she had said the relationship was already over, you'd have to question if she really ended it or if she got dumped and decided to call you for comfort.

 

Anyways, I know a big part of you probably still wants her back but I think you know what's best for you. My last ex was the most fantastic liar I ever met. I never knew bullcrap could sound so true. I know how it is to deal with people like this and try to keep your head on straight and remember which way is up. I think you're just going to keep getting hurt if you keep up the sporadic contact with her, then go online to dig up more lies, etc.

 

Stick with what you've said so far. You don't believe her. And she needs to make the effort, not you. If the day ever comes that she says she is willing to do anything and everything it would take you even get you to consider seeing her again, maybe you can move your truth-meter from 0% to 1% and see if she follows up on her promises. But until that day comes, as long as she is still talking to your behind her boyfriends back and claiming to miss you so much but not really doing anything about it, do not even waste your time. And even if she left him right this moment and did offer to do anything and everything it takes, it simply comes down to asking yourself if you really want to try again with someone who lies and lies and lies. Would you ever feel safe around her?

[Reddice]

Thank you guys, for taking your time to read through the story and replying to it. It's good to see that people here truly care.

 

I know the best thing for me would to have no more contact with her. In fact, I spent 7 months on NC without so much as even replying to any of her breadcrumbs. I deleted her phone number, her emails, her pictures, blocked her on facebook, etc etc. When she contacted me last week, I didn't really want to speak to her at all. But curiousity got the best of me and when I started digging through her blog and read that movie review... well, something weird happened. All this time I was thinking she was heartless for what she did. But when I read that "article" and read all the nice and beautifull things she wrote about me, well... I just can't explain. I felt like crying and smiling at the same time. It was the strangest feeling. Perhaps if the rest of my life had been fine and if I had been on top of my game, I might have not cared that much. I don't know. But... I did care.

 

Nonetheless, you guys are right. I can't count on a liar. And she doesn't seem prepared to change. But it is frustrating though... She's not an evil person. In fact, if I think back on our relationship, I can't even think of a single moment when she talked bad about anyone at all. She was the sweetest and kindest person I'd ever seen. She couldn't even hurt a fly, because she felt bad for it. The lies just don't seem to fit into the full picture. Somewhere, something happened. Perhaps she's carrying too much emotional bagage from her past. Her mom married and divorced two men for example. In both ocassions, she left her daughter (my ex) with the fathers. She basically abandoned her twice. The first one (her biological father) was a raging alcoholic who couldn't even take care of her. Three or four years later, her mother had to actually "buy" her from her father. She might have not even been 8 years old then. Then, her mother's second marriage ended when both her mother and stepfather cheated. And even after the divorce (she stayed with her stepdad), both parents asked her and her younger brother to lie to the other parent about their situation (they were both in a new relationship immediately). I wonder what other stuff she had to experience during this marriage. And I can't even begin to imagine what all this does to someone growing up.

 

Perhaps this was also the reason why I didn't break up immediately after her first lie. I always thought she was better than this. I always thought it was just her upbringing and not her fault. I always thought I could bring out the best in her and somehow turn the tide. And sometimes, I tuly do think she still loves me, but unresolved issues in her past are the cause of all of this hurt. She even said such nice and beautifull things about me during the conversation, I even wondered if she was not putting me on a pedestal... It still doesn't make it right though. Big or small, a lie is a lie. And the trust is completely gone now. I can't even tell what comes from the heart and what does not.

 

It's too bad though... We really had something beautifull going. It could have been such an awesome story.

Edited October 3, 2012 by Reddice