Circumstances Keep Us Apart

[mowglisummers]

Hi, so I've known this girl for years. We went to college together. We always had a spark, but she always had a boyfriend. So I left it at that. There were some good times and we would always gravitate towards each other towards the end of the night if we went out as a group of class buddies. But we would always happily go our separate ways, happy to have shared some good times.

 

Last summer, we met up for the first time just the two of us. It was perfect, she was technically single (seeing a younger man at university, a casual thing), I had a free house. So we went to the pub, had a great time, went back to mine, smoked a spliff and listened to music. I made a move and it was amazing - best kiss ever. We were both breathless and I tried to get her to stay, but she felt it was too soon and was kind of seeing someone - so I let her go. It was fine, she said "interesting..." when I tried to pull her into the bedroom.

 

Few weeks later, turns out that guy cheated on her. Besides, she was moving away onto a masters course at another university, so it wasn't to be. We would text and Facebook each other like once a week or less. Then comes along new year. First opportunity she gets, she comes to see me. We get drunk and fall into bed together, it's awesome. We do it again the next night and spend all of new years day in bed together with some of the best pillow talk and cuddling I can imagine.

 

So by this time I'm a little hooked. I see a bright future and want to spend all my time with her. Unfortunately I'm leaving for university the next day, and her a few days after that. We're hundreds of miles apart. She does the brave thing, faces facts about how much we're really going to be able to see each other over the next ~2 years. It amounts to a few weeks at best. The last 7 months I've been doing my best to look elsewhere and accept facts.

 

We've still been texting and messaging though. Her place in my heart has grown as it's been a tough year and she's been there for me, kind of. I know it's mutual, because come summer, again the first opportunity she gets she's come to see me. We play pool, go pub, drive around, go and get high. We don't talk about 'us' or staying at mine the whole time. But it's really nice. Then out of the blue she says "Mike, I'm not staying at yours tonight :p" And I'm like, cool, I got a lot to do tomorrow anyway. A little disappointed. But I'm thinking we're both here for the whole summer. We can meet up any time, even tomorrow.

 

After she's gone I'm like, ****! I should have tried to pull her in like before. So next day we're texting loads and I ask if she wants to spend a long weekend just hanging out. She's like, "**** man I have to work on my dissertation, can't spare a second, but when I feel to chillax I will definately call you =)" So now I'm like bollocks, she warned me this would happen. But I've stupidly been texting her, saying I'll meet her near her home after work. I just want to spend as much time as possible with her, you know? She text back once to answer some random questions I posed her. Nothing about meeting up though.

 

So here's my dillemma. I'm texting, she's not. I feel a lot of doubt because she suddenly says we can't spend any time together, even though it feels like she's reassuring me, I still doubt myself. I feel bad because if she does want to see me, I'm not making it easy by trying to get her to agree to meet up and sending random texts without a reply for days now. She's doing her dissertation yeah, but can't she just say no? Put my mind at rest? 'cause I am so freaking restless right now. Or am I just majorly turning her off right now by pestering her and not playing it cool. I don't think so, she's pretty understanding and I'm not being a major dick? Or am I?

 

How can I be helpful to her, I want her to do well. But I want to she her so bad. I want what we had on new years. It would help me out so much, help me to relax and enjoy summer and not feel so stressed about my crappy job. And we could talk about all this build up of months apart and how we feel. But her dissertation. She's suffering too and I want to not make it more difficult for her, slaving away in her room alone. The only solution I can think is to just shut up and let her get on with it. But I don't want to suffer so much... that's why I'm posting here. I can't cope. I'm this far away from sending an overly serious emotional text expressing how much I love and need her. That's not the tone of our relationship though, it would be a massive bombshell that I feel this deeply for her, and I don't want her to deal with my needy emotions right now. Yet I want her to know everything I feel. ****. What do I do?

[mowglisummers]

I have thought about just calling her some day soon, if not tonight, I guess just to apologize for all the texts (some of them were just funny and random... some of them were suggestive... others apologetic... last was just straight up "How's life?") and to get some feedback. Good idea?