Falling deeper and deeper

[Whisky1981]

I have to write this down because I feel like falling into depression and I hate myself for this.

 

In the last few months life threw some serious sh*t at me and I am so in it that I cant seem to get out of it anymore.

 

Long story short (although my previous posts on this site were already talking about my situation):

 

So I have been in a 9 year relationship. My ex dumped me and cheated on me 6 months prior to BU. Never said that to me I found out everything by myself after the BU. Basically after 9 years of relationship I found myself alone. Literally I have nobody, only maybe a cousin who I can call a friend and few friends that I can go out with every once in a while.

 

I didnt know what to do so I subscribed to dance classes to meet someone although I didnt expect to meet somebody I would like. Oh how I was wrong. I met the best looking girl I saw in the last 10 years. I fell in love for her at first sight. My ex disappeared from my mind in an instant. The dance classes went on for 3 months. In those 3 months my attachment grew even stronger for this girl. So I sensed some signals from her and I got my hopes up until she said that she is back with her ex.

 

That literally destroyed me. I stopped persuing her and tried to remain friends or in touch with her so if something goes wrong I`d be there if her relationship falls apart again.

 

But this is hard...maintaining contact with her is killing me. I cant think of anything else but her. I hate myself for that I feel like I am losing my mind. My days are miserable. When I wake up I think about her then I am trying to confort myself the whole day and when I go to sleep I hope to dream about her.

 

Now I kind of decided that I`ll go NC with her...but the thing is that I have to see her every wednesday on the dance classes and she is coming to this classes with her boyfriend (previous ex-boyfriend). I have a new co-dancer but I dont like her at all. It is a mess.

 

So even if I go NC on her I still have to see her every wednesday.

 

On top of all that I am pretty much alone all the time...my phone never rings, I spend my days by myself. I feel like I am falling in depression...I am in a bad mood all the time...when I go out I put on a fake smile and a positive atitude but inside I am slipping away, crumbling to pieces...Last week I was drunk 4 times and I have never drinked in my life. But it just helps me to forget her for a while.

 

I just want to shut off all these feelings but I cant.

 

Any suggestion would be appreciated.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you jumped a bit and it's natural honestly. You want to attach those lost feelings of love and everything else to someone and you did. I am not saying you didn't have actual feelings for this person, but it was certainly exaggerated inside. One of the hardest parts about healing is realizing that you need time to figure out who you are outside of a relationship before you can share yourself with someone else. It takes many people rebound feelings to realize this.

 

It's a hard lesson but sadly any sort of relationship with this girl would have almost certainly failed because those *new* feelings would have been short lived and the ex would have came back into your head.

 

I'd suggest branching out further and meeting more people, but not allow yourself to end up in any sort of relationship. Build your support system up. Not people you whine to, but people who bring you happiness being around.

[esteem-jam]

Hey man, I remember your story.

 

You can look at this so- you liked your ancient ex, then you get to like this new girl. Fact: you can like many girls. It already happened, it can happen again.

 

And for classes. You still going? So there is this dude with that girl. How do you see the social relationships in class- who is the ruler, who is the funny person, who is joked upon? How do you see that guy? I found it kind of funny... because if you have opportunity you can make nifty jokes about that guy, "fight him off" and conquer that girl. They say- you gotta fight for love. Normally you dont see the "enemy", but here you see it =) But you gotta be smart... if he has most of the class in his favour then youre unlikely to win, then you got to retreat. You have to conquer the class too, so then you will swoop that girl with your wave. But you got to know how badly you want it!

[Frank13]

I just want to shut off all these feelings but I cant.

 

Any suggestion would be appreciated.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

I thought you only had a few more classes left. In any case, when it gets to the point that you are at, 'F' the classes, 'F' the money you spent on them, Get the heck out of there. People have left good jobs to get out of the type of situation you are in. It just isn't worth it anymore.

[Frank13]

I am not saying you didn't have actual feelings for this person, but it was certainly exaggerated inside.

 

Not to mention the wanting what we can't have which seems to make the feelings stronger.

[Whisky1981]

Sounds like you jumped a bit and it's natural honestly. You want to attach those lost feelings of love and everything else to someone and you did. I am not saying you didn't have actual feelings for this person, but it was certainly exaggerated inside. One of the hardest parts about healing is realizing that you need time to figure out who you are outside of a relationship before you can share yourself with someone else. It takes many people rebound feelings to realize this.

 

It's a hard lesson but sadly any sort of relationship with this girl would have almost certainly failed because those *new* feelings would have been short lived and the ex would have came back into your head.

 

I'd suggest branching out further and meeting more people, but not allow yourself to end up in any sort of relationship. Build your support system up. Not people you whine to, but people who bring you happiness being around.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. If only my head could reason like yours. Its just that I feel like a wreck now. I dont know if the relationship would have lasted or not...I really fell for her because of her looks. I never got to knew the real person she was...guess it will never happen...who knows.

 

I am not giving up on meeting new people it is just so hard these days. I am not an extrovert guy until I know the person then I can be funny...but in the begining I just seem to serious...so that is a big minus in flirting with girls out there...

 

Again, thank you.

[Philosoraptor]

Thanks for your thoughts. If only my head could reason like yours.

It's much easier reasoning from the outside than it is when you're feeling what is going on. I'm just as lost at times when the pain is my own.

Its just that I feel like a wreck now. I dont know if the relationship would have lasted or not...I really fell for her because of her looks. I never got to knew the real person she was...guess it will never happen...who knows.

"Beauty is only skin deep." You can't just fall for looks. Lust is much different than love.

I am not giving up on meeting new people it is just so hard these days. I am not an extrovert guy until I know the person then I can be funny...but in the begining I just seem to serious...so that is a big minus in flirting with girls out there...

Well this needs to be your goal. Not meeting anyone for a romantic interest, but working on just talking to people and having fun. I am also quite introverted and am working on that myself. I'm just putting myself out there. Meetup groups or just finding myself at places where people tend to hang out. Find something that you enjoy doing and go out there and do it.

[Whisky1981]

Hey man, I remember your story.

 

You can look at this so- you liked your ancient ex, then you get to like this new girl. Fact: you can like many girls. It already happened, it can happen again.

 

And for classes. You still going? So there is this dude with that girl. How do you see the social relationships in class- who is the ruler, who is the funny person, who is joked upon? How do you see that guy? I found it kind of funny... because if you have opportunity you can make nifty jokes about that guy, "fight him off" and conquer that girl. They say- you gotta fight for love. Normally you dont see the "enemy", but here you see it =) But you gotta be smart... if he has most of the class in his favour then youre unlikely to win, then you got to retreat. You have to conquer the class too, so then you will swoop that girl with your wave. But you got to know how badly you want it!

 

I know I`ll be able to like other girls but for now I dont have any alternatives to like, also this human being was the most gorgeous girl I`ve seen in a long time...yeah it is just looks but you know, you can fall for a lot of things.

 

As for the guy...I dont know last time they kept for themselves and there was no conversation going between them two, I mostly talked with others so either he is pretty shy for now or he is just quiet. I know him because he was going to the same elementary school as I was going to 15 years ago. At that time he was a pretty problematic character but he probably changed in these 15 years. She was with him for 7 years and she broke with him in november, got in dance classes in january and by the end of february they got back together right after I sensed some things from her and was preparing to make the next step, so they are back together for nearly 2 months now. I dont know why they broke up the first time but I know that he didnt want to go on dance classes before they broke up and now he is all excited about going....so I guess she broke up with him the first time and he`ll do everything for her now...anyway I can tell that I am a better dancer.

 

As for if I want it...hell yes I want it .

 

Thanks for your support!

[esteem-jam]

OK, that guy sounds sensitive, it wouldnt be good if his heart got broken if you went full attack on him. I thought hes a jerk. If you ever saw the movie "Pride and Prejudice"... the idea is you first make sure all sides are happy and satisfied before you get your own happiness. Theres a russian proverb- "cant build happiness on unhappiness", they usually refer that to people who got dumped as a consequence.

 

But you could get to know him again... who knows maybe he`ll say: "Gosh, I hate this. Shes dragging me here. Id rather play soccer, know what I mean?" and you roll your eyes and say "Nope" =)

 

Im sure youll conquer many hearts with your dancing, I so badly wanted to post this:

[Whisky1981]

I thought you only had a few more classes left. In any case, when it gets to the point that you are at, 'F' the classes, 'F' the money you spent on them, Get the heck out of there. People have left good jobs to get out of the type of situation you are in. It just isn't worth it anymore.

 

Yeah guess what my classess ended but the teacher said to me that she will find me a good company if I go on....guess she was just money fishing...the girl I got not only was not blessed by nature she happens to have 15kg more then I do....eh I was just naive in thinking that if I got sombody that reasambles a normal person then I could have made the other girl just a little bit jelous...with what I got, she probaly cant care less...

 

The other reason that I went on was just to stay close to that girl. The last time I danced with her she said that she liked dancing with me and even suggested in a funny way that we could find a co dancer for her boyfriend so we could go on together....then she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek (and that from a girl that seemd introverd and shy all the time). The day after our last dance lesson she contacts me via gmail so we chat for a while, then on 3 days later I contact her and we chat for a while. One day before the new sessions of the dance lessons she called me and asked me how about tomorrow (we were driving together to the lessons and used to call each other one day before the lessons to set the time and who was driving)...I stuttered for a moment and ask her If she goes to the lessons with her boyfriend? She says yes (sad voice)...then she asks me how about me and I respond that the teacher sent me a text so I guess she found me a new co-dancer...she says "oh ok" (voice was still sad or disappointed I dont know)....I think that she was just feeling guilty for leaving me without a co-dancer so she checked if I was still going. Also I noticed that her behaviour towards me when she is with her boyfriend is 100% different and much more reserved...

 

If she just shook my hand at the last dance lessons and then stopped contacting me then I may have been more at ease but with that hug she just melted me.

 

But now she really seem that she stopped contacting me...maybe she is waiting for me to contact her because she was the last one to call...but I dont want to couse it will only bring me more pain...

 

As for stop going. I cant just run from this new co-dancer, she paid and I did too so it would be unpolite and rough to run also the old co-dancer (the girl I like) would be there to witness that. So now I am stuck with that for a while but when this ends I am not returning in September for sure.

 

Thanks for reading this mess .

[Whisky1981]

OK, that guy sounds sensitive, it wouldnt be good if his heart got broken if you went full attack on him. I thought hes a jerk. If you ever saw the movie "Pride and Prejudice"... the idea is you first make sure all sides are happy and satisfied before you get your own happiness. Theres a russian proverb- "cant build happiness on unhappiness", they usually refer that to people who got dumped as a consequence.

 

But you could get to know him again... who knows maybe he`ll say: "Gosh, I hate this. Shes dragging me here. Id rather play soccer, know what I mean?" and you roll your eyes and say "Nope" =)

 

Im sure youll conquer many hearts with your dancing, I so badly wanted to post this:

 

I dont know if he is a jerk or not probably he isnt. I didnt mean to go on attacking him...I played the nice guy till now so I will remain the nice guy...huh I am the nice guy by nature. From what I learnt....this girl is herself a nice girl not the kind falling for players an jerks so I guess it would be a mistake playing the tough one here...if I play a cool mature guy probably I will have more chances.

 

Knowing him again, I dont know he seems like somebody that dosent have much to say so if he keeps away and reserved I am not pushing into them, it is probably better to have good time with other people there and leaving them out to stay by themselvs. Always being polite and saying hello of course.

 

Thanks for the song although the dancing is more classical at the dance classes, you`re from eastern Europe so you know what I mean .

 

Thanks again.