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finding out 10 years later


sadguy82

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Hi,

 

I am 29 y/o, I have been with my wife of 6 years for 15 years :)....

10 years ago we were going through some hard times. She told me one day, she might want to take some time away from each other to see if there is anything else out there in life. I thought right away "Is there someone else?" She replied "yes" and told me who he was. At that time she said she was only talking to him and there was nothing going on. I was very upset and followed her back home to talk more. When we went up to her room I noticed a dozen red roses on her dresser. I was devistated because, maybe I wasn't treating her well and she found something better. Stormed out of the place like whatever!! I went home, I was pretty upset but thought she was telling me the truth and nothing serious was going on. She called me a couple days later and said she threw out the flowers and will never talk to him again. Things got much better for us after. We were very young and been through a lot. More then most 19&20 y/o A year later we went on to have our first son and got our first apartment. 2 years later our second son was born. We got a bigger place and planned for a house. 2 years later our third son was born and we bought our first house that we have been in for 5 years. We have had our ups and downs being young and have to handle so much with kids, work, and school. But we have always stuck together. We started fighting a lot and during the course of the battles she would say things that made me think about that time 10 years ago. I would have nightmares of her cheating on me at that time. Finally 3 weeks ago I dragged the cat out of the bag and demanded answers. At the time she was a bank teller so I know how they came into contact. She did tell me about him before and said they were talking for a few weeks. I didn't think talking can get a dozen roses without a lot of it. She said she was sorry and needed that at the time to realize she wanted me. I asked her if she did anything with him and she said no. A few day's later it was killing me and I asked her again and again and again.and finally she gave in and said they went on a couple dates and that was it....He tried to kiss her but she backed off. Now I'm like WTF I'm not stupid and dragged it out of her that she slept with him. She said it was once, she was very uncomfortable and she never spoke to him again. Then i find out he had a fiance at the time. He owned his own house and she showed much resentment about the other girl. She still demands though it was only once she didn't touch him and she could only think about me. She said she felt horrible and left right away. she kept it a secret for 10 years. I have the whole world on my shoulders. She is my wife I love her no matter what. She's great to me and know she has never done it since. I just have a hard time believing her story becuase she hid it for so long. We have too much to loose but can't stop thinking about him on her. I look at his facebook page and see he is divorced from the same girl and he seems misrable. I do believe in Karma. I don't know how to deal with this. I know she loves me she came right back to me. I would have most likely forgave her then anyway. She was my everything through all my hardships. I wasn't the best boyfriend though I have alway's been faithfull. And I'm not alway's the best husband. But never thought in a million years she had sex with him. I alway's trusted she didn't. I am so lost right now....Any insight, sorry for the life story. Thanks for looking

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Of course I do...We have been together for 15 years. I have no intentions of leaving her especially now. I can't condemn her for something she did when she was 19. I just feel like she has coped with it on her own and got it out of her life. Now I have to deal with it alone. I Don't know what to do. Or where to go for help. She feels very uncomfortable talking about it. I think she didn't realize that would happen. And it may have been a traumatizing experience for her. I am sooooo lost :lmao:

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Dealing with this at the moment with my "2nd" chance. We've only been back together for a couple weeks after a two month break. We both dated..I dated several and her one. The catch is i didn't sleep with any and they did once. She broke it off with him the day after the "deed" and came back to me two weeks later. She tried to call me the night of but i was in NC. Its definetly a hard pill to swallow. I also find it hard not to bring it up to her..I know I either have to let it or her go.

Edited by Praying4Daylight
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My story about ex of 2y, first year, i needed a break for 2 week, to dealt with some problem, and had to decide for future. She told my friend that she worried about me, and i saw that text was a lie, full of needy, she just wanted to break up with me if there was someone but ignoried. Second year, she needed a break for 6 weeks, to give a chance for "just a friend", for some fun with her " fantatic life" and told her close friend that, she want to have fun for few months. I could deal with it but after i was losing "everything", i let her go, to find herself, to have fun with "just a friend". After she slept with him, she putted nc to my face to avoid her guilty. Let me tell you, i forgave her at the day she left, i dont want to "blame" myself but i saw a first sight at emotional cheating and had a chance to fix it at begin but i didnt do anything. I know she will regret for next few years later when she out of blue. Why i treat her that way? I am just so hard to who i truly hav feeling with and want to give her a painful lesson. I also want to see what the hell people still call "love", "soulmate" and do " have a chance for person who slept with someone"

seriously, i think in your case, everything is more simple, the problem is you, not her. She didnt leave you in worse time and why, after 10y, she told you that trust? The answer is in your heart. What were you 2 doing? Why you guys still r together? She just did a mistake, but why now she want to fix it? And how you feel about her? Good luck for you, and your kids...

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jus d'orange

You're coming to terms with something that is very hard to hear.

 

I was 17 when my (now ex) girlfriend cheated on me. We ended up staying together for another 3+ years. She also took a week-long break at one point, to do basically the same thing with another guy. Both times she came back saying she knew she wanted me.

 

Long story short, we didn't end up staying together. But I forgave her and we moved on to have a wonderful relationship for another few years. It took me a long time to get over the fact, but I did. The last while we were together, I had absolute trust that she would never do that to me again. And she didn't. When she started to lose feelings again, she simply ended the relationship (the right thing to do!).

 

I was young, too... and it really hurt. I NEVER thought someone would do that to me. But now I see it in perspective that she made a mistake... and though we've now broken up for a different reason, she's still a good person.

 

You already know the answer here... you love your wife and need to forgive her for something that happened a long time ago. She isn't really the same person anymore, after such a long time. It will just take time for you to heal from learning of this. Make sure you communicate with your wife that it is difficult for you to learn of this after so long, that you need time to process it and heal from it, but that doesn't mean that you don't still love her and want to be with her forever. If you are clear, then you can get through this rough patch, I'm sure.

 

Also, if you struggle to let it go and heal from this, DEFINITELY consider getting counseling. I'm sure your wife would be willing, because it's worth it to make it up to you.

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Sad to hear. That wasnt fair to you to have children with you and keep such a thing a secret for so long.

 

Sadly, now you might spend the rest of your life being resenful about this and wondering if she ever really told you everything.

 

Counseling probably might be a good thing but that wont change the past in your mind. It's something you will need to decide if you can live with.

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And this got me thinking about things about people in general.

 

I remember when my Son was young my Wife went to a HS reunion and my Son called me from his Grandmothers house and told me that it was 3am and Mom still didnt make it home. This as around 10 years ago as well. Her excuse was that she was spening time with her old HS friends and playing catch up. Really? The clubs close typically at 1am so where did this catching up take place exactly?

 

It just goes to show that sometimes you really never know people. For all the hundreds of broken hearts here whos loved ones betrayed them, there are probably three times as many people who think they are happily married whos spouse did the same thing and just didnt get caught.

 

I guess ignorance can be blind but I prefer to deal with the truth myself.

Kind of makes my stomach turn if I think about it too much.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author

I wrote this weeks ago and still feel like ****! I have no drive for anything anymore. Can't stop looking into the past and seeing the obvious that didn't occur to me then. I really want to find the guy and break his face!!

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I was in a similar position. My ex ran back to her high school ex bf after 10 years of no contact. I was devasted, but I also had to ask myself the question:

 

Is she really worth all this heartache?

 

Why has she been lying (what other things could she be lying about)?

 

My rules when it comes to infidelity is, one strike and your out the door. I tend to close that chapter of my life and move on. Make decisions which guarantee closure, as opposed to keeping holding onto something with paranoia rushing through your veins.

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hellodearest

Dude, I understand why your ego is hurt, but overall, you should drop the issue, and get it out of your mind.

 

She would resent you if she didn't know for sure that you were the one for her. She went out, experienced another man's love, and came right back to you.

 

Put yourself in this situation: You cheat on your wife with another woman. You realize that this other woman means nothing to you, and that you regret it, and that you love your wife. You've learned a valuable lesson, and instead of loving your wife less, you love her more now. You've realized that your wife is the woman for you and who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

Do you tell your wife you cheated on her? In my opinion? **** NO. Why would you? You've learned a valuable lesson, and you'll never do it again. Your wife trusts you, right now, so if you tell her, you've shattered her trust. All of a sudden, you've taken away from your wife the man she loves and trusts. If you cheated, YOU ****ed up. YOU bear the guilt alone, your wife doesn't deserve to have the man she trusts and loves to be ripped away from her. There's nothing gained from telling someone you cheated. Love for one person doesn't diminish just because some other girl was on your dick for 20 minutes. Same situation, seems like she was trying to protect you because she realized that you're the one for her. She didn't need to tell her, and you didn't need to pry.

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BewitchedandBothered

does she keep in touch with this fellow===how do you know he is on FB, etc.? Also, it was 10 years ago and she came back to you; there are things that are not on a 'need to know' basis--there are things that if she tells you, things that are over, those things will do nothing other than to hurt you and keep you awake at night; she had children with you since that awful time--years and years of bonding; you are a team. It was an experience she probably needed to have to realize what she has at home, and might I add, an experience that she would like to forget; I doubt it was all moonlight and roses==she knew she was wrong; maybe she spent all this time overcome with guilt.

 

if you keep going into the past, you will lose sight of the here and now with her.

 

You guys were young when you got together; something inside her must have been asleep and this guy gave her attention she craved and needed. That other man is miserable now and you and your wife are still together and have a family together; what does that guy have?. I would suggest seeing a counselor and getting all of it out in the open. Let her know you love her and don't stop giving her the attention and affection she needs and craves. Count your blessings with her and remember what it was that made you fall in love with her in the first place.

 

If you drift from her, she will feel that and drift, too; you don't want that.

Edited by BewitchedandBothered
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You guys were young when you got together; something inside her must have been asleep and this guy gave her attention she craved and needed. That other man is miserable now and you and your wife are still together and have a family together; what does that guy have?. I would suggest seeing a counselor and getting all of it out in the open. Let her know you love her and don't stop giving her the attention and affection she needs and craves. Count your blessings with her and remember what it was that made you fall in love with her in the first place.

 

If you drift from her, she will feel that and drift, too; you don't want that.

 

 

This is excusing her behavior.

 

The fact is OP that your Wife denied you your free will by lying to you and played you like a sucker while she was on her back getting plowed by another dude while you "waited" for her.

 

You decide what you're going to do. But, don't sugar coat this to yourself.

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BewitchedandBothered
This is excusing her behavior.

 

The fact is OP that your Wife denied you your free will by lying to you and played you like a sucker while she was on her back getting plowed by another dude while you "waited" for her.

 

You decide what you're going to do. But, don't sugar coat this to yourself.

 

Maybe to this day she feels crappy for what she did; we are human and humans make mistakes and falter. She lied and cheated. I get this. But...there are reasons for things. Maybe she felt neglected and this other dude pulled her out of it. I am being a realist here. That fellow she cheated with is not in her life anymore from what it looks like in the post. It's been 10 years. maybe she's been carrying around guilt all this time. She loves him or she wouldn't have had his children and gone through hardships together. It was a terrible mistake that can't be undone. And the OP can't keep beating himself up, either. She loves you; she is with you; move on from the past together. You have too much to lose if you don't. And EgoJoe; you always seem so damned bitter in your replies or quotes of my replies. In time people can forgive and things do happen for a reason. The OP has compassion and a loving heart and I pray that he can move on from the pain of the past.

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Maybe to this day she feels crappy for what she did; we are human and humans make mistakes and falter. She lied and cheated. I get this. But...there are reasons for things. Maybe she felt neglected and this other dude pulled her out of it. I am being a realist here. That fellow she cheated with is not in her life anymore from what it looks like in the post. It's been 10 years. maybe she's been carrying around guilt all this time. She loves him or she wouldn't have had his children and gone through hardships together. It was a terrible mistake that can't be undone. And the OP can't keep beating himself up, either. She loves you; she is with you; move on from the past together. You have too much to lose if you don't. And EgoJoe; you always seem so damned bitter in your replies or quotes of my replies. In time people can forgive and things do happen for a reason. The OP has compassion and a loving heart and I pray that he can move on from the pain of the past.

 

 

You can call me bitter and in a way I am. I don't make excuses for myself or others.

 

There is/are no excuse(s) for games and/or infidelity. None.

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BewitchedandBothered
You can call me bitter and in a way I am. I don't make excuses for myself or others.

 

There is/are no excuse(s) for games and/or infidelity. None.

 

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) sending you big hugs, EgoJoe

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Really? 10 years later and you are acting like this? This is why she didnt tell you, look in the mirror at how you are reacting.

 

She was 19 years old. She was a kid.

 

Let it go and move forward or let her go and you get some help.

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Really? 10 years later and you are acting like this? This is why she didnt tell you, look in the mirror at how you are reacting.

 

She was 19 years old. She was a kid.

 

Let it go and move forward or let her go and you get some help.

 

Resentment doesn't care how old you are and is a valid, normal and MOSTLY healthly feeling.

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BewitchedandBothered
Really? 10 years later and you are acting like this? This is why she didnt tell you, look in the mirror at how you are reacting.

 

She was 19 years old. She was a kid.

 

Let it go and move forward or let her go and you get some help.

 

Exactly what I was saying. She was hardly mature and ready for marriage at 19 and who really is? It was 10 years ago and she has since had kids, let go of the other guy who is apparently down on his luck, and still loves the man she is with.

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BewitchedandBothered
Resentment doesn't care how old you are and is a valid, normal and MOSTLY healthly feeling.

 

But if you hold onto it it can become mostly unhealthy and drag you down.

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But if you hold onto it it can become mostly unhealthy and drag you down.

 

 

Minimalizing it like Wilson was doing is worse. It has to be worked through. The best way to is to validate it.

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