MovingOn13 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Hey all, I haven't posted in quite some while...took some time off cause visiting this site too much can just keep you stagnant in your negative emotions. I need some advice. Here is the issue. My ex and i broke up off from a 5yr year first love relationship ( we are 21) 1 yr ago. I immedietly went NC from Day 1 and never talked to her. 6 months later i got a fb friend request. I ignored it. Every thing was normal, i was healing and then i saw and chatted with her for the first time in a year about a week ago. She came up to my puppy who i was walking at our university. Convo was basic but she kept on talking about her friends and their break ups and asked a lot about me. I received another friend request yesterday...about a week after we chatted. I also believe she is in a relationship. She also called my friend asking him why i had not accepted it. I am pondering about sending her a message saying that I am the kinda of person where i want people heavily in my life or not at all. To send a fb request to me, after not talking for a year is very impersonal and just pathetic. All i want for her honestly, is for her to be happy. I have no resentment or bitterness. I still have slight sadness because we all know how the first love stuff works. I really dont understand her actions. If she is happy, why bother with the sillyness of fb? She had to cancel her friend request because i left it pending only to re-send it again. After not talking to her for a year at all or inquiring about her life...I don't know her. I miss the old her....but we all know friends is really impossible at least for me. Your thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Leave it alone.... As you stated, she is not the same person you fell for. Don't read too much into the FB thing. You seem like you have come a long way. You no longer have any obligations to her. Just keep on doing what you have been doing and live your life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MovingOn13 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Good call. I really dont want to make something out of nothing. I want to live this forward but somehow every couple of months she manages to peep into my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Facebook is silly, you are right. But really, why not just accept the friend request and not worry about it? You can unsubscribe from her feeds or limit what she sees so who cares? By deliberately ignoring her, i think you are making the statement that you are still bitter about the break-up and can't handle seeing her happy. Facebook is a all crap and frills anyway. It can keep a "friendly terms" thing up with an Ex without having to do very much, so it can be good in that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I disagree with a Millionto1, forget what message you're sending. Do you want to accept her in your life as a friend etc.? Yes, accept the friend request and act accordingly. Do you want her to realize that you're not a set me down pick me up later kind of guy? Don't accept the request. Don't explain yourself to her. Humor her if you want to and keep moving on. You owe her nothing and her opinion of you does not matter. The fact that she asked your friend why you're not accepting goes to show that she believes you SHOULD which means she has expectations of you and therefore does not respect your boundaries, feelings, life or perspective. Young Women can be retarded and need to be held at arms length until they prove themselves. You owe her nothing. No need to be a dick about it but no need to go out of your way for a broad that dumped you and didn't take the hint six months ago. She would probably love for you to orbit her and boost her ego, self-esteem etc. If she was happy in her relationship she wouldn't care about you or your "friendship". Don't get used bro. You're a man not a tool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MovingOn13 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Thanks for the insight ego. You are right man and i have always had that take it or leave mentality. It's how i was able to go NC from day 1. I value myself above anyone else ultimately. You have to be like that. I will always care for her but i dont want her to affect my feelings and a superficial hi and bye friendship is just silly all together. We already do that. And if she wants to creep on me she can log on someone elses account we have 90 mutual friends haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I agree with EgoJoe. You have done so well with NC. Very impressive that you were strong from day one. While I liked what you wanted to say except for the "i want people heavily in my life or not at all." which sounds full of neediness and pressure, you owe her nothing. I think if you were going to say anything, saying "To send a fb request to me, after not talking for a year is very impersonal and just pathetic." would be a good kick in her as$, but I also think that she would see that as her affecting you and you are bitter. Don't give her that privilege There are some things I wanted to say to my ex. There were things left unsaid which may have her think of me in a bad light. However, I decided I know longer want her in my life so I realized it doesn't matter what she thinks of me. She is nothing, a stranger, so what does it matter? Remember, Facebook is nothing but a place for narcissists who think people actually give a crap about their life so they want as many (fake) friends as possible to prove how popular they are. She probably is just asking you to build up her fake friend numbers. There is not a single thing to be gained by stopping NC. She is in a relationship, has expressed no desire to have you back, nor have you expressed any desire to have her back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Deny the friendship request with a note saying "Thank you for the request but it's better for me that we're on friends on facebook. I hope you understand and respect my choice." Short, sweet and to the point. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I disagree with a Millionto1, forget what message you're sending. Do you want to accept her in your life as a friend etc.? Yes, accept the friend request and act accordingly. Do you want her to realize that you're not a set me down pick me up later kind of guy? Don't accept the request. Don't explain yourself to her. Humor her if you want to and keep moving on. You owe her nothing and her opinion of you does not matter. The fact that she asked your friend why you're not accepting goes to show that she believes you SHOULD which means she has expectations of you and therefore does not respect your boundaries, feelings, life or perspective. Young Women can be retarded and need to be held at arms length until they prove themselves. You owe her nothing. No need to be a dick about it but no need to go out of your way for a broad that dumped you and didn't take the hint six months ago. She would probably love for you to orbit her and boost her ego, self-esteem etc. If she was happy in her relationship she wouldn't care about you or your "friendship". Don't get used bro. You're a man not a tool. This is pure bitterness talking. I disagree with this on all fronts. Why not ask her what she wants? (I know what she wants... I know why she randomly keeps appearing in your life) Now its time for you to ask her why she keeps sending you this requests and appearing. MovingOn, You do hold bitterness and resentment towards her. Link to post Share on other sites
rootless Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I don't think it matters what anyone's motive is, or who holds bitterness, and who doesn't... The fact is, you feel uncomfortable and reluctant to contact her. And you're self-aware enough to know that you won't be satisfied with a platonic relationship. If that's your genuine gut-level instinct: HEED IT. I really think you've answered your own question. If you honestly think that a FB request is just a throw-away, insignificant gesture -- that tells you everything you need to know. It confirms that you want her to make a broader, deeper overture towards you -- which probably means you want something more than friendship from her. And if she really knew you, or understood you, she'd realize that you're not going to be interested in making yourself vulnerable unless she does something more significant, where she's risking some intimacy too. You sound a lot like me. You want something deep and meaningful, and something like an online friend request just seems kind of cheap and lazy. The question is -- do you want to take a risk and ask what her motives are? Wait and see if she follows up with something more tangible? Or, just ignore it and keep moving on? I've been there -- it's a tough call. It's never fun to put yourself on the line with someone who hasn't been careful with your feelings. Whatever you do, stay honest to who you really are, and what you really want. If you decide to contact her -- make sure she can read your expectations in giant 50-foot letters. If you decide to blow her off -- that's your decision to make, and yours alone. You're just protecting yourself. And no one who matters would ever fault you for that. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) This is pure bitterness talking. I disagree with this on all fronts. Why not ask her what she wants? (I know what she wants... I know why she randomly keeps appearing in your life) Now its time for you to ask her why she keeps sending you this requests and appearing. MovingOn, You do hold bitterness and resentment towards her. Way to tell me what I'm saying/thinking/feeling when my words are 100% literal, Wilson. Did you see the part where I say, do you want to accept her in your life? It is obvious that this girl has expectations of him, asking his friend is a clear indicator. I'm promoting self-respect. I didn't say diss her. Sure she might be doing the whole feeler extension thing that is obvious but half-measures of FB friending are not going to cut it. Don't tell me I'm being bitter when I'm not. You don't know how much I've held back with my Ex and others; when I could have gone for the KILL many times. This broad is obviously doing window shopping while in another relationship. Wilson, telling movingon what he feels is pretty disrespectful too. If he asks her what she wants now with this kind of passive aggressive contact she is probably going to just deflect. To the OP: You don't have to be bitter to have self-respect and proper boundaries. You are not responsible for anybody else's feelings and you don't owe her anything. Edited February 23, 2012 by EgoJoe Link to post Share on other sites
LZ2000 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Hi MovingOn13, In my opinion, i feel that sending your ex an impartial, dispassionate, polite formal message to stop her friend requests on facebook would be the best solution. But that's just my own opinion. By doing so, at least you can communicate to her (indirectly) that you feel that her attempts to communicate with you are insincere or insufficient. Because from what you described about her behavior in this topic, it seems like she is trying normalize communications with you, without addressing the real issues that has caused you to break up months ago. And that is quite questionable. Anyone in a relationship must be accountable for his or her actions. But then again, this is my opinion. My 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 EgoJoe, I reread your post several times after reading Wilson's message to try to figure out what he was talking about. I couldn't figure it out. Your message was spot on and covered all bases. It looked at all angles and wasn't one sided or bitter. I came to the conclusion Wilson just likes to disagree no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
LZ2000 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 If I was your girlfriend, and if I truly cared about you and your feelings, I would not be having a casual chit chat. I would be explaining why i did what i did to you and to apologize for the hurt I have caused. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MovingOn13 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Thank you all so much for the replies. I am just left at the confusion as to why she would want a fb request when she just got into a relationshio? To shove it in my face? To ease her guilt some people feel when they break up with people? My idea is to send a message saying that her decision was the right one and that she should not feel any guilt what so ever. breaks up are painful, that is inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I don't think it is a good idea for you to send that or anything like it unless she initiates. Don't do anything for now. What if she were to say, "Oh I thought you were over it and we could be friends." ---- Would not be WHY she sent that completely but she'd save face and make it look like you're the only one dwelling. Let it be, you don't have to decline or accept it now or say anything to her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Thank you all so much for the replies. I am just left at the confusion as to why she would want a fb request when she just got into a relationshio? To shove it in my face? To ease her guilt some people feel when they break up with people? My idea is to send a message saying that her decision was the right one and that she should not feel any guilt what so ever. breaks up are painful, that is inevitable. Wild guess here.. Because she's healed and moved on with her life and sees you as a 'friend' and it's no big deal. Wrong. IT IS a big deal to you as right now you're no where near friendship with her, if ever. She isn't thinking of you (once again) she's thinking of herself. Anybody with a brain would figure it wouldn't be such a good idea to reach out to an ex, especially after a year and her starting a new relationship. Send her a note that she has respect your choice in not pursuing any type of friendship with her. Wish her well and say goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 (edited) My idea is to send a message saying that her decision was the right one and that she should not feel any guilt what so ever. breaks up are painful, that is inevitable. I'd advise against sending this message. It gives her the 'power', the mental high ground as it were. If she feels that everything is 'alright' with what she's done, that message would only confirm that to her. If you really feel you must say something then I would simply state, as I did to my ex, 'I'm sorry but I simply don't wish to be friends on Facebook. I hope you understand' and leave it at that. My ex never contacted me again. Edited February 24, 2012 by Renard99 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 If you really feel you must say something then I would simply state, as I did to my ex, 'I'm sorry but I simply don't wish to be friends on Facebook. I hope you understand' and leave it at that. My ex never contacted me again. I agree. And never add "it is too painful" or "it hurts too much to just be friends" as that sounds whiny, clingy, and lets them know you are still pining for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 They do it coz the dumper always thinks about themselves. You have a choice anyway: you can either accept her or not. There is no reason why you have to be "fb friends" with this person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MovingOn13 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Share Posted February 29, 2012 Big thanks to everyone for their input. I needed advice from people who had an objective stance! I have decided to just keep NC, ignore the request and move on. A lot of my feelings for wanting to send a message was just the nice guy in me wanting to clarity everything is ok, but there is nothing that needs to be said that hasn't already been said. This is her second relationship after we broke up. 2 different guys in a year. I don't think she is even in the headspace to really grasp anything i have to say. I somewhat feel it may be a guilt trip on her part causng her to want to send fb , but i have been nothing but nice and been myself around her the few times i have encountered her post break up...so there is no legit reason she should feel guilty. Thanks again everyone and keep NC! Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 Hey all, Every thing was normal, i was healing and then i saw and chatted with her for the first time in a year about a week ago. She came up to my puppy who i was walking at our university. Convo was basic but she kept on talking about her friends and their break ups and asked a lot about me. I received another friend request yesterday...about a week after we chatted. I also believe she is in a relationship. She also called my friend asking him why i had not accepted it. The chat you've had before the friend request could have been the ice breaker. No contact has been broken then. While chatting with you she thought you both laid the foundation for a new friendship. I don't know what you said to her, but maybe she got the impression you're cool with your situation and that her being your friend would be okay. That's why she sent the friend request ? Suppose you would have ignored her at uni and didn't chat with her, then she would have got the message that you don't want to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MovingOn13 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 I think you may be spot on. But given our history and the fact that friends hang out and stuff, i think we all know friendship isnt possible it wouldn't feel natural...at least not for a while. I will always acknowledge her in person because it's not like she did something horrible...but id rather leave it at that. She has a bf and should be happy so facebook shouldn't be an issue for her. It may seem dumb to a lot of people my decision to ignore it...but it just leaves me with a " for what?" kinda of attitude. We live different lives now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I think you're doing the right thing by not reacting to the friend request. Link to post Share on other sites
volkl1996 Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Quick and easy answer, get off Facebook. Seriously, I think FB and all of these other social networking places have hurt dating and made things very confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
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