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Why Do You Miss Them More as More Time Goes By?


Frank13

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Why is it that we miss them more as more and more time passes?

 

I can understand not missing them the first couple of days of NC, and then starting to miss them a few days later, but why is it after doing NC for a while, feeling you are moving forward, feeling good, accepting they are out of your life, and not thinking about or missing them, suddenly you start missing them badly?

 

I am not going to break NC as there is no point in doing so and I am not hoping to hear from her, but after weeks of doing well, suddenly I am missing her a lot. Not just a minor setback but instead missing her more than I have since starting NC. As the weeks go by I should be more and more use to not having her around. Why do I suddenly miss her so much?

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Well it could be one of two things:

 

1) You're missing the safety net of being in that relationship.

 

2) Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

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Probably because the finality of it becomes more real. It's not that hard to see the rise and fall pattern that this could follow. As you said, a few days of NC isn't that hard even for the most addicted person, then you miss them a little bit, then you really commit to NC and tell yourself you're ready to move on (at this point in reality most of us are probably still wanting NC to make them contact us), then after you manage a few weeks of NC you get hit with "wow I can't believe I haven't talked to this person I love for so long" etc etc. I think the wave pattern continues for a while but gets less intense with each round and eventually you can maintain NC without the feelings building up again.

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Probably because the finality of it becomes more real.

 

Most likely, it's this. As the days go along and you start improving, those days turn into months... and eventually you realize that it's not a "game" anymore. No Contact means just that: no contact. Maybe for another long while. Maybe for good.

 

I believe the latter part is what scares most people, as it's difficult to say to yourself, "Okay. This person is actually no longer going to be in life. Ever." It's basically final, no going back.

 

No matter how long you haven't talked to them, it's still a surprising little pill to swallow. I know it still hits me sometimes. Not with the same depth as I used to feel, but the realization of it becomes truly real again for a few seconds where it can take a few minutes to get past it.

Edited by Thieves
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I know for a fact I fell in love with my ex during those times she wasn't around. I missed her, which made me want her, which made me think about her more and more. It's those times that we really find out how much we want someone and right now that's what's happening to you - it's been a while and you still have feelings, those feelings are mixing with the whole missing her stuff, which in turn is creating these uncontrollable emotions right now. Plus, you did recently hear about her which will have dragged up those feelings.

 

All you can do is weather this storm out until you're back to a good place. Don't go feeding it by looking for more info, instead make other plans and keep busy. Eventually it will pass.

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I know for a fact I fell in love with my ex during those times she wasn't around. I missed her, which made me want her, which made me think about her more and more. It's those times that we really find out how much we want someone and right now that's what's happening to you - it's been a while and you still have feelings, those feelings are mixing with the whole missing her stuff, which in turn is creating these uncontrollable emotions right now. Plus, you did recently hear about her which will have dragged up those feelings.

 

I did read somewhere that we don't fall in love with someone when we are with them. We fall in love with them when they aren't around. I think that makes us build them up in our mind. Probably what I am doing now.

 

I had a bad day when I heard about her last week, but the next day and for the next couple days I was fine. Then today it really hit me hard. I kept busy trying to keep my mind off her and tried to focus on the future to when I won't care anymore which has helped. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

Even though I knew I wouldn't, I had such an urge today to send an email to her to tell her how much I miss her. I don't know why. It won't change anything. I am thinking that I wouldn't even expect a reply. I am probably just fantasizing that she is missing me and I know how good it would feel to have her send such an email to me. Then my brain kicks in and tells me the reason I am NC is because she doesn't care, even if she is missing me, and breaking NC wouldn't change anything.

 

Have to keep moving forward.

Edited by Frank13
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Philosoraptor

When apart most people tend to idealize things and shift the blame from their ex's issues, and rationalize them to be something that they caused their ex to do. We tend to take the blame for everything and start to think the ex was perfect and that everything that happened was a matter of something that we did or didn't do. After a breakup we need to look at things from the outside and try to be logical. Yes the heart is in no way logical, but right now the brain needs to take care of the heart.

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I know how you are feeling...I'm nearing 3 months and the finality of our relationship is actually settling in. I find that I miss her a lot. It's the mornings that kill me and when I wake up I lie there for what seems like hours. I believe what philosoraptor says it true, in the beginning we tend to place the blame on our exes and as time moves on and the ending of the relationship has finally hit us we tend to analyze and dwell on the mistakes we have made.

 

I really am not sure what to do, I go to the gym constantly and it makes me feel so much better. However I come home and go to bed with this feeling like everything is ok only to feel like crap when I wake up in the morning. Latelty I haven't really been sleeping well either because as days turn to months that feeling of your heart dropping still gets me in the morning so sometimes I'm afraid of falling asleep.

 

I really want to get over her, but I feel that the only way to get over her is to rebound like she did. The thing is I don't want to jump into another relationship and feel like I'm tied down. I've met some women lately but I just don't sense that connection with them....I'vr never really had a problem being single, but this time around I hate it and I get really lonely sometimes...**** i don't know what to do but keep on trucking a long and hoping that I"ll either enjoy being single again or find another girl who is worth getting into a relationship with again.

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I find that I miss her a lot. It's the mornings that kill me and when I wake up I lie there for what seems like hours.

 

I really am not sure what to do, I go to the gym constantly and it makes me feel so much better. However I come home and go to bed with this feeling like everything is ok only to feel like crap when I wake up in the morning. Lately I haven't really been sleeping well either because as days turn to months that feeling of your heart dropping still gets me in the morning so sometimes I'm afraid of falling asleep.

 

OMG... you just described what I feel like EXACTLY with regards to waking up and sleeping. Its funny, when I was with her I couldn't wait to spring out of bed. Even your breakup period similar to mine (2.5 months).

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Moosekaka: I read some of your threads and I can say that me and you are going through VERY similar experiences. I consider myself to be a very passionate partner. However, most passionate people tend to also be very emotional. I know I can be moody at times and if pushed far enough I go into a state of rage...something that I am working on at the moment. These are my faults and I have accepted them and have vowed to work on them. I think both you and I also tend to focus more on our faults than the faults of our ex therefore we seem to place the blame entirely on us. Let me ask you something, was your ex really clingy and needy like wanting to spend every second of every day with you? She was also very possessive and jealous. Those traits accompanied with my carefree personality and independent spirit often caused clashes between us. Perhaps you should focus on her faults as well as your own and maybe you too will see that no matter how "perfect" the relationship may have seemed, you two were actually very incompatible.

 

It's funny, because the man she is with right now whom she just celebrated their first month together is the exact opposite of me. He does not have a large group of friends and really is not that sociable. Perhaps they are more compatible with each other than me and her ever were. I hope she is happy though. It sucks that she is no longer with me, but perhaps it can give me hope that I can find someone whom I'm more compatible with.

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Let me ask you something, was your ex really clingy and needy like wanting to spend every second of every day with you? She was also very possessive and jealous. Those traits accompanied with my carefree personality and independent spirit often caused clashes between us. Perhaps you should focus on her faults as well as your own and maybe you too will see that no matter how "perfect" the relationship may have seemed, you two were actually very incompatible.

 

haha, actually to be honest I was the clingy one. In terms of personality, I can honestly say we are both rather introverted and shy and sensitive, but she being a girl and overall having a better social support structure is able to carry herself better.

 

To be honest, I don't think we are incompatible personality wise or even physically, but age wise, and life priority wise (she's just starting out adulthood, I'm in my early 30's) and our social positions makes her reluctant to commit to a relationship.

 

That's what hurts me the most, if it was a matter of chemistry or personality or attraction I could accept it but its like life is unfair to meet someone you just know could be so right for you except for circumstances beyond your control.

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stitch: let me ask you another question since you and I are so similar in our situation.....have you had ANY contact with her in 3 months? I have being 100% NC with her for months, not even made eye contact which is weird because we work in the same place.

 

Eventually I am sure we will bump into each other by accident, but for now I am going out of my way to avoid her schedules and places she frequents. Now I am sure many here will say be professional and cordial, but isn't weird to fake it with someone who knows you are avoiding and have being totally silent for months? The longer the NC the more weird the situation will become eventually. On top of my mood is pretty erratic and I cannot for sure be certain whether I can hold it together when we do meet and fake a smile.

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I think we miss the good times and never miss the bad times. We miss the person we met for the first time and how well they treated us and we ignore the times they may of mistreated us or how could this person who I thought I knew turn out to be someone who I would never imagined they were. I admit I miss my ex occasionally ( eeks) only the person I met before he went psycho! I sure do miss the times we went swimming and we held hands in the park and how he used to tell me how much he loved me and how much he was glad he met me but then I remember how he emotionally abused me and destroyed my self-esteem and having the need to call me up and pretend to care about my well being and pretending to say he was sorry when in reality all he wanted to do was say how great his girlfriend is because she has an amazing job and how amazing her house is and how miserable I am because I live in not so nice apartment and do not have the glamorous job she has sheesh I miss that:rolleyes:

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Another down day for me today. I hope this doesn't become the norm. I was doing so well moving forward. Now I am starting to get depressed. I know breaking NC is not going to solve anything and only make things worse so I am not worried about doing that. Just missing her so much these last two days.

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Another down day for me today. I hope this doesn't become the norm. I was doing so well moving forward. Now I am starting to get depressed. I know breaking NC is not going to solve anything and only make things worse so I am not worried about doing that. Just missing her so much these last two days.

 

Hang in there man, it's just the way it goes. It's a roller coaster. Sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down, and when you're down you never feel like you'll be up again.

 

Today was a very down day for me too. One of those days where you feel like you'll never recover and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but then you realize it's just part of the recovery process and there will be better days.

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Can I back you up a bit there Frank, but isn't this the same girl that has gone out of her way to try and destroy your career because you didn't break NC and feed her ego?

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Can I back you up a bit there Frank, but isn't this the same girl that has gone out of her way to try and destroy your career because you didn't break NC and feed her ego?

 

Yep. Same one. She has never done anything like that before. I did get to thinking that she may have done that knowing it would get back to me and her name would be mentioned and I would think of her, but it really doesn't matter why she did it.

 

Whenever I would ignore her or stop talking to her in the past, she would do things to try to show me "hey I am still around, don't forget about me". She told me that when I would start talking to her again.

 

Haven't heard anything from her in the past two weeks. She has told me before when I would ignore her emails that even when she wanted to send one, she wouldn't because she knew I wouldn't reply and that would hurt her.

 

Either that is the reason she is NC or she knows I don't want to see or talk to her again and just doesn't give a crap. I think it is the latter, but as long as she stays NC it will be good, regardless of the reason.

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What sucks with me is that it didn't actually get into the relationship stage but things had got intimate and I had already started falling from him. He was an old friend who got back in touch after a few years who I'd hoped would show me a bit more respect. He quickly stopped making the effort with me when he started dating someone else the same time as me/being involved. When he was leaving the last time I wanted to ask him if there was anyone else and if we could agree that it's just us, but didn't as feared would scare him off. I tried to trust that we would definitely meet again soon though, like he said. Then a fortnight later when he asked me out again (on the Friday) I tried to change the day because I was embarassed about the mess hence moving at the time - but he fell asleep on the Sun I'd suggested! I also thought he probably wouldn't be interested in meeting in a pub as guessed he just wanted sex. I regret not meeting him though on the day he suggested. The next time a fortnight later on a Mon night he said he was thinking off popping over - at the time was at my parents - or tomorrow he said when I was at a flippin' Maths class! He didn't appear to be interested when I wanted to meet up though, except in the very early stages. He lives 40 mins or so drive away from me and was at college last year. He responded to my new year's message but that was it. Thoughts please, perhaps?:(

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Hang in there man, it's just the way it goes. It's a roller coaster. Sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down, and when you're down you never feel like you'll be up again.

 

Today was a very down day for me too. One of those days where you feel like you'll never recover and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but then you realize it's just part of the recovery process and there will be better days.

That was a good expression there - it is like a rollercoaster!:rolleyes: Wishing you the best.:)

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You're still very much addicted to her Frank. She clicks her fingers, your heart strings get pulled and that small bit of hope that you keep hidden away gets fed. I know. Up until very recently, the slightest text or even hearing about her would lead to a smile, a happy feeling, but it's only shortlived. I guess at least with mine she's not done it on purpose and not been nasty like yours has.

 

The only thing going for you right now is that you haven't responded. Keep it that way. You make any actions, even letting a mutual friend know, then that feeds her ego and gives her all the power. You'll feel so much worse - put it this way, you speak to her but then she goes quiet all over again. You hit rock bottom totally as now you know that she knows she can do this to you whenever she pleases. She's living her life, moved on, but wants to know she still has power over you. Her actions recently are clear about this.

 

I know it's hard, so hard, to stay away when these feelings come calling. But you must. You feel bad now, you'll only feel worse afterwards. You need to start telling yourself she isn't the person you fell in love with - that person has long gone.

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You're still very much addicted to her Frank. She clicks her fingers, your heart strings get pulled and that small bit of hope that you keep hidden away gets fed. I know. Up until very recently, the slightest text or even hearing about her would lead to a smile, a happy feeling, but it's only shortlived. I guess at least with mine she's not done it on purpose and not been nasty like yours has.

 

The only thing going for you right now is that you haven't responded. Keep it that way. You make any actions, even letting a mutual friend know, then that feeds her ego and gives her all the power. You'll feel so much worse - put it this way, you speak to her but then she goes quiet all over again. You hit rock bottom totally as now you know that she knows she can do this to you whenever she pleases. She's living her life, moved on, but wants to know she still has power over you. Her actions recently are clear about this.

 

I know it's hard, so hard, to stay away when these feelings come calling. But you must. You feel bad now, you'll only feel worse afterwards. You need to start telling yourself she isn't the person you fell in love with - that person has long gone.

 

I can identify with this, thanks.

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The only thing going for you right now is that you haven't responded. Keep it that way. You make any actions, even letting a mutual friend know, then that feeds her ego and gives her all the power. You'll feel so much worse - put it this way, you speak to her but then she goes quiet all over again. You hit rock bottom totally as now you know that she knows she can do this to you whenever she pleases. She's living her life, moved on, but wants to know she still has power over you. Her actions recently are clear about this.

 

 

You are so correct Smudge. I have disappeared, even to the mutual friend. I wanted to thank him for the info but decided it was best just to not respond. If she didn't care that much when we worked together, she sure isn't going to care now that we don't. I knew if I tried to maintain a friendship, she wouldn't put in the effort and it would quickly fade away.

 

I couldn't see any reason to try to stay friends and I told her this before I went NC. Although she didn't want me to quit, she never even bothered to say good buy once she found out I did. She is either honoring the fact that I told her she wouldn't see or hear from me once I quit, or she just doesn't care. I think she just doesn't care. I am not there to stroke her ego so I am no longer of any benefit to her.

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I hope you get better Frank and all wounds will heal eventually. I know you will have good days and bad days ( we all have them) but it will get better!

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