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3 yrs and im still struggling...


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Old 26th October 2011, 1:11 PM   #1
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3 yrs and im still struggling...

My ex n I broke up about 3 yrs ago n we were fwb for about a year and half after the break up and limited contact since. He has been with someone since a month after the breakup. I had hope we would get back together but after all the horrible things that have happened or said since the breakup I now know for a fact i could not get back with him but I cant seem to heal this pain and move on with my life. Since the split my life has pretty much been a dissappointment. I lost my job(which brought me so much joy) six months post breakup and have been depressed and even suicidal at one point. Things have gotten better but not good enough as im still unhappy and struggle far too much. I was hurting too much at his expense and he was no longer the person I once knew. My cousin spoke with him the other day and he told I changed my number and im avoiding him and dont want to speak with him. Im just tired of settling for crumbs on his terms. Im in a Ldr with someone else and he demanded i changed my number to help the situation and i resisted but eventually gave in and this has helped with the healing. Now im not adddicted to his crumbs but i cant get over the break up and how he hurt me. I spoke to him a few weeks ago and all I was a F*** buddy. It really hurts and im tired of hurting. I hope i never hear or speak to him again but i dont want to hate or resent him cause im the one hurting. The divorce is underway and i really need some help moving on. How do I let go i him n this pain? I want to start living.
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Old 26th October 2011, 1:43 PM   #2
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Start to know yourself and what makes you happy. Love yourself, and you'll find a life that brings joy far more wonderful than the pain that's troubling you now.

Only you are in control of your life and your happiness. Not him.

You're in a LDR but aren't over you ex yet? I'd hate to be your bf.

Focus on the things you can do. Work to find a great new job. Focus on your relationship. Focus on family and doing what you enjoy. Follow your dreams.

Best way to get over a bad life and relationship is to create newer, better ones.
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Old 26th October 2011, 1:53 PM   #3
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its okay,u can cry out as loud as u can for an hour or so,hit the pillow,call ur best friends and tell them u feel really bad,let everything out.then u can take some days for ur "personal time" pamper urself real good, read books,take hot good showers,engage yourself in your hobby,exercise more(sweat more,it helps)eat some chocolate(if u like chocolates).
then move on,i aint professional,but i know a bit of something about coping,everytime in a while u feel like killing somebody,its okay(dun kill!)u can tell a friend how u feel.(talk,it really do something magical)
be strong!u are not losing to the bad things that has happened to u or to the bad things that are going to happen in the future,u are not going to let any of that win!full support from me!
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Old 26th October 2011, 2:26 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gozone77 View Post
Best way to get over a bad life and relationship is to create newer, better ones.
Yes.

Newflor32, it's alright to feel down about what's happened. The reason why you've still been hurting is because you allowed everything to drag on for some time even after things were "over." Basically, the year long friends with benefits situation held you back from healing in the right way. You never gave yourself time to breathe after the break-up and fully soak it in.

So actually, considering the relationship you had was three years and the FWB one was one year and a half, I'm not that surprised that you are still feeling pain.

I'm also doubtful about the fact that you're in a LDR relationship when you're still having all of these thoughts about your ex. Yes, it's nice to eventually meet someone else after a break-up, but it's clear you're not really in the right condition right now for that. Maybe you should consider sitting down your boyfriend and telling him all of this, that you need a 'break' to get yourself back together?

But Gozone is right, if you really want to get over your ex, you need to build yourself back up. If you had a great job right now, were doing something you loved, and felt more secure in your relationship, I bet you $100 that you wouldn't feel so down about your ex. So that's really what you need to focus on first.
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Old 26th October 2011, 3:29 PM   #5
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i know how you feel

First i just want to say much thanks for posting on my thread, its nice to hear from someone in a similar situation. I know of the pain and frustration you speak of. I know when things are over...we hang on, hoping they change or at least open commuication for closure. I clung to my ex a year after the break up. Conversations on the phone, emails and even outings.
It just got more and more painful. She would leave "breadcrumbs"...having me drop stuff off, fix things for her. But she was just trying to wean herself off the relationship. She wasnt emotionally ready to date again, but she knew she couldnt stay with me. But over time, she met people, and i became a non factor.

I hope i dont come off preachy, but i was(am) in your same shoes. You have to cutt off all contact once and for all..100%. no FWB, no txts etc.
What helped me was just being by myself. To find myself again. I had lost myself to the pain of wanting her back. I neglected me...and it manifested itself in my life.

Once a person regains thier self worth and self confidence...they look at things in totally diffrent light. They dont settle for breadcrumbs..because they know they Deserve the whole sandwhich. Once your empowered...you wont need any emotional hand outs anymore. Not only do you gain self value, but others see your value to. And soon you will attract other good people who want to share your energy.

His lost..he gave up on you. You deserve so much more than this guy is offering. Plus its not far to your new BF. In my opinon...and all opinons are like a**h***s( everyone has one, and they all stink)is you should probly let your BF go. Its so hard to love someone 100% when other issues from previous relationships havent been resolved. Its not fair to him, that you still have feelings that havent been delt with from your ex. Take time for yourself to get right. I hope the best for you, and there is light at the other side...just takes time to get there.
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Old 26th October 2011, 4:00 PM   #6
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Thank u Thieves, Sonicheroin n Gozone77.
I was seeing a therapist but i can no longer afford it. Its been so long now I try not talk about it with anyone but i hate people ask me about him. I get angry that i didnt know went to walk away, i allowed him to treat me this way n loose myself in this. My current bf know I struggle and he has stepped backed and want be to get better. Whenever we struggled, im reminded of the old relationship. I will take the time to heal but i struggle with the thoughts. Not a day goes by without these thoughts. How do i retrain by thoughts? This forum is my therapy right now.
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Old 28th October 2011, 12:55 AM   #7
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Dmoney, I agree with your thoughts. Its not preachy at all. Ive done all those things and i need to find myself and create the life i want for myself. It gets so hard sometimes. I can now control my urge to contact him even if I felt the need to but i have to find a way to deal with thoughts of him walking away from me, lying to me and me not know the difference. The hardest part is letting go, why cant i stop the obsessive thinking about what happened. Why cant i do it like he did it. I really have to grow from this. I have no choice but to find away to grow and create the life i need. I just feel empty inside at times. Like im just existing. Any thoughts on how to fight these thoughts?
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Old 28th October 2011, 2:04 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Newflor32 View Post
Dmoney, I agree with your thoughts. Its not preachy at all. Ive done all those things and i need to find myself and create the life i want for myself. It gets so hard sometimes. I can now control my urge to contact him even if I felt the need to but i have to find a way to deal with thoughts of him walking away from me, lying to me and me not know the difference. The hardest part is letting go, why cant i stop the obsessive thinking about what happened. Why cant i do it like he did it. I really have to grow from this. I have no choice but to find away to grow and create the life i need. I just feel empty inside at times. Like im just existing. Any thoughts on how to fight these thoughts?
NewFlor, you're allowed to grieve just like anyone else, and it doesn't make you a bad person to do that. The reason you can't "do it like he did it" is simple, because you are who you are, and he is who he is. We all heal at different rates and deal with it differently...

The fact that you can control your urge to contact him is a great first step to getting past this, and yes, the hardest part sometimes is that time just before you go to sleep and the thoughts of them are there in your head. It's hard to avoid them. It takes time for the thoughts to fade, NewFlor, but they will start to (slowly) if you just keep your head up and keep trying your best to put one foot in front of the other..
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