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How do you resist the temptation to check on your ex's online dating profile?


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Old 3rd July 2011, 6:01 PM   #1
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How do you resist the temptation to check on your ex's online dating profile?

I did the stupidest thing...

When I last talked to my ex a month ago, he told me about this dating site he had joined (because I asked him if he had done anything with other women since we separated). He mentioned it to me almost in a joking manner, like it didn't matter much. Like he only did it as a distraction. He told me he spoke to girls but didn't go as far as meeting any of them.

By the way I've been on a dating site since the b/u too. And I spoke to lots of guys and even met a lot of them but it amounted to nothing. I also told my ex about that.

So, well. For the last few days, after a month of total NC, I have been dealing with these horrible stalking urges, trying to crack my ex's email password etc. Awful I know.
And now I did the most stupid thing ever. I joined this dating site he mentioned and went looking for his profile. And found it. *insert vomiting noise*

Why did I do such a stupid and horrible thing? Now I'm so afraid I'm gonna drive myself crazy.
The user page actually tells you when the person was last online. My ex was online on this site 2 days ago. I'm so afraid that now I'm gonna have these urges to check if he's still logging in or if he stays off the site.

His profile pic is one I took of him last year, at an event we were both attending.
I want to throw up. I hate myself. Why did I do such a stupid thing? Why???

I guess the only sensible thing for me to do now would be to make a vow to myself to never, ever, ever stalk or seek my ex on the web in any way shape or form.

I'm dealing fairly well with the breakup and consecutive heartache - but lately I've been feeling horribly jealous, which I never was when we were together, but it's like now it's sinking in that he's "back on the market" and that sooner or later he will be banging other girls, and just thinking about it, my insides churn. I can't deal with it.

Not having him in my life anymore, missing him, is okay. But the thought of him hitting on other women and giving them the attention he has stopped giving me - I just wanna die.

I haven't felt so low in a long time, please help me deal with this.
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Old 3rd July 2011, 6:09 PM   #2
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I have always been a fan of NOT KNOWING. That's why I deleted my ex from fb the moment we broke up. Not knowing is so much easier, trust me.

I have never had an urge to check, because I know how much more heartache that could possibly bring me.

It's not too late to delete your profile and stop checking on him.
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Old 3rd July 2011, 6:27 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by D-Lish View Post
I have always been a fan of NOT KNOWING.
This is why I never actually check anything that's related to my ex (despite wanting to do so, once in a while).
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Old 3rd July 2011, 6:47 PM   #4
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The urge to 'just check and see' what a previous partner is up to can be tempting, but as you discovered if you give in to that urge it doesn't often make you feel better. Not knowing can seem hard, but it's usually much better than knowing.

You think to yourself 'oh, but I'm just curious, I don't really care what he/she is doing. In fact, if I can just look at their profile and feel nothing it will prove how well I've moved on!' But it doesn't work like that. You look, you see, you feel worse and maybe even regress a little bit.

Now, Karala, delete the account you created on that dating site your ex is on! No more peeking! You've done a month of no personal contact, but checking up on him online can be considered a form contact, albeit one-sided. When you get the urge to let your fingers wander along the keyboard in search of email passwords, profiles, or photographs step away from the computer! Turn it off. Go do something else. Take a walk, cook, exercise. Go to a pet store and look at the the puppies. It might be difficult to resist the "stalking" urge, yes, but you've seen that even finding out a little bit about what he's doing can drive you crazy. Just say no!
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Old 3rd July 2011, 9:39 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Finch View Post
The urge to 'just check and see' what a previous partner is up to can be tempting, but as you discovered if you give in to that urge it doesn't often make you feel better. Not knowing can seem hard, but it's usually much better than knowing.

You think to yourself 'oh, but I'm just curious, I don't really care what he/she is doing. In fact, if I can just look at their profile and feel nothing it will prove how well I've moved on!' But it doesn't work like that. You look, you see, you feel worse and maybe even regress a little bit.

Now, Karala, delete the account you created on that dating site your ex is on! No more peeking! You've done a month of no personal contact, but checking up on him online can be considered a form contact, albeit one-sided. When you get the urge to let your fingers wander along the keyboard in search of email passwords, profiles, or photographs step away from the computer! Turn it off. Go do something else. Take a walk, cook, exercise. Go to a pet store and look at the the puppies. It might be difficult to resist the "stalking" urge, yes, but you've seen that even finding out a little bit about what he's doing can drive you crazy. Just say no!
My worst nightmare would be to check his fb and see him listed as "in a relationship" with someone else. I avoid checking because of possibilities like that!
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Old 3rd July 2011, 10:33 PM   #6
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wow.... are you guys dumpees by any chance?

i am shocked that despite missing him terribly, i couldn't care less whether my ex is with anyone else or not. in fact, i look forward to him doing so and finding out that it is all downhill for him after having been with me- tehe!

it would take a seriously GRAND GESTURE for me to even talk to him ever again. but he was lazy and clueless in our relationship. I would love for that to happen, but I know that it won't.

sigh....
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Old 4th July 2011, 1:56 AM   #7
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i am shocked that despite missing him terribly, i couldn't care less whether my ex is with anyone else or not. in fact, i look forward to him doing so and finding out that it is all downhill for him after having been with me- tehe!
I've been having a bit of this too. My ex was a bit of a late starter romantically, his first kiss was in December and I was his first mutually reciprocated infatuation. So of course it was all butterflies and rainbows and "Oh, I've never felt this way about anyone before!" coming my way at first. Given a history of being burnt I was slower to let my feelings go, and with good cause. His feelings departed and he kinda left me not exactly in a rude way, but I could tell that he had zero appreciation of the hurt he was putting me through (as you wouldn't if you've never been broken up with before). So even though at first it'd make my stomach flip to see him in a new relationship, I am kinda anxious for it to happen, so that he can experience what it's like to be on the receiving end (and also, to see that the kind of relaxed, friendly, zero-issue relationship we had can't just be picked up on a street corner). I'm not delusional - I know that even if he gets his heart shattered five times in a row, he'll still be looking with hope toward number six and not back at me, but it would just satisfy me to know that he's going through the ringer like I was, hopefully at a time when my love life is picking up again.
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Old 5th July 2011, 6:27 PM   #8
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Thanks for the replies everyone :]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
The urge to 'just check and see' what a previous partner is up to can be tempting, but as you discovered if you give in to that urge it doesn't often make you feel better. Not knowing can seem hard, but it's usually much better than knowing.

You think to yourself 'oh, but I'm just curious, I don't really care what he/she is doing. In fact, if I can just look at their profile and feel nothing it will prove how well I've moved on!' But it doesn't work like that. You look, you see, you feel worse and maybe even regress a little bit.

Now, Karala, delete the account you created on that dating site your ex is on! No more peeking! You've done a month of no personal contact, but checking up on him online can be considered a form contact, albeit one-sided. When you get the urge to let your fingers wander along the keyboard in search of email passwords, profiles, or photographs step away from the computer! Turn it off. Go do something else. Take a walk, cook, exercise. Go to a pet store and look at the the puppies. It might be difficult to resist the "stalking" urge, yes, but you've seen that even finding out a little bit about what he's doing can drive you crazy. Just say no!
Yes!

I feel bad about this weak moment I had, also because I feel almost a sense of accountability toward my fellow dumpees (and heartbroken dumpers) on this board, if that makes any sense! I try and give advice to people but I need to heed my own adivce too, and be a good example of how to handle a breakup, and not an exemple of what not to do, lol!
A lot of the threads on this board are alredy a bit depressing and I don't want to add to the negativity.

So I thought I'd answer my own question and tell you what I did:

-First, I tried deleting my account on the dating site but IT CAN'T BE DONE!! You can only deactivate. And then re-register anytime you want. Sigh. I hate social networking sites with a passion. So what I did was to change my password to something random that I typed without looking at the keyboard, so I don't even know my own password.

-Then, I used the Blocksite add-on to block access to this stupid site. And also to MySpace, because I'd also managed to crack access to his MySpace page (don't ask... I was on a spree *eyeroll*)

-Now whenever images of his profile page come to mind, I use a little NLP trick to make them less powerful; I distort some part of it in my mind, for example if I think of his profile picture (something particularly hurtful to me as it was a picture taken by me last year), I mentally tweak it, imagine the same picture but with him wearing a ridiculous shirt instead, or with one eye bigger than the other, or something really ridiculous. Sounds silly but it really does help to reduce the emotional intensity. Same with words, if I think of something about his profile description, I add a letter in there so as to change a word into another word. Or imagine if we were another nationality and it would be written in a language that's unfamiliar to me.

-Last, and probably trickiest; I try my best to keep in mind that just because his lovelife and sex life won't come to a stop now that he isn't with me anymore, it doesn't mean he has forgotten all about me, doesn't care a wit about me anymore or anything of the kind. Heck, I'm on a dating website too. Does it mean I don't give a s*** about him or don't think of him? lol. You LSers know better.
Just because someone is looking to be or hook up with someone else, doesn't mean they don't think or care about their ex at all anymore. For all I know, he could be miserably lonely and bored and spending his evenings on this site to forget about me and his loneliness. I have NO WAY of knowing what's in his heart, so why the heck imagine stuff that would hurt me? I might as well imagine stuff that makes me feel better. lol. Who cares.

Point is, I know I won't do anything stupid anymore. I need to remember to love myself enough to not rub salt into my own wounds. It hurt enough, I think it taught me a lesson.
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Old 5th July 2011, 6:32 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by karala View Post
for all i know, he could be miserably lonely and bored and spending his evenings on this site to forget about me and his loneliness. I have no way of knowing what's in his heart, so why the heck imagine stuff that would hurt me? I might as well imagine stuff that makes me feel better. Lol. Who cares.
exactly.
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Old 5th July 2011, 10:48 PM   #10
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K,

I am in the exact same boat as you. Got broken up with, and the ex has her self online on various sites: twitter, tumblr and facebook ( she recently deleted her account though ) So i totally know the temptation. After the relationship ended , she did not immediately delete or block me from those social websites. I am not a big social website user- i could never get into twitter (ex tried to get me into it) facebook i really only use to keep in touch, not socialize and im not a big web blogger. So i didnt really think of going online to delete and block her.

After a few months, i did my "rounds" on my social websites (i usually check up on them maybe once or twice a month) and saw she was in a new relationship and all the other media relating to it. It hurt like hell, but i suppose that was to be suspected. After being weak and not "getting" that i was being offically broken up with (she tried to let me off softly and hoped i just "got it") i tried contacting her to try to understand what happened.

Long story short, after the last emails and her offical "i dont want to keep in contact with you" did she finally delete me from everything and block me. I am a little computer savvy, so again, in weakness, i did a small hack/bypass to get into her twitter to read ( i didnt do facebook for fear of seeing the new BF). I did it honestly because i never believed she told me the truth of why she wanted to end the relationship and i just wanted to see some clues and closure.

Needless to say, it ended up causing me much much much more harm than good reading her twitter (pretty much her journal) and i suffered immensily from it.

So all this short story to say: If someone does not want you in their life, it truly is a good idea to let it go. Because it will truly end up only hurting you , by tracking their movements and life. Even if they are suffering or indeed lonely, how will it make you feel better if they are not wanting to contact you? You still are not apart of their live due to their choosing, not yours.

For me, i still care about my ex greatly, i did truly love that girl - and in a moment of weakness, peaked at her accounts, finding out she was depressed and down did not make me feel better; only worse. I could not even be there for her anymore.
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Old 17th July 2011, 6:49 PM   #11
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I'm so glad I can see I'm not alone!

Hi Karala
I'm soo glad I found your thread because I have been going through almost the EXACT same thing during my breakup of about six months now.

Drama started early in the breakup because he set up a profile and was active a week before he actually told me he wanted to breakup, but I found out he was being shady after the fact. So for a few months thereafter I went through the usual agony, trying to be friends, seeing him through mutual friends, finding out he's still online, etc..

Then stupidly when I thought he was on hiatus from the site, I wanted to double check that it was inactive.. but low and behold he created a new profile! With a picture I took of him while we were on vacation a year before. At first he didn't have pics, but just today I discovered he posted two new ones, even one without his shirt! It makes me totally sick to think he turned out to be one of THOSE guys online. Sorry but I'm really biased towards online dating now :/ does anyone feel the same? lol.

So now I've stopped checking that search feature where I could see whether he's online, and I'm vowing to STOP the madness and just resist the urge. Its hard because sometimes the crazy kicks in and you become totally consumed by the obsession even if its for 10minutes of being on your computer! So I absolutely agree with everyone and just keep online stuff on exes "out of sight, and out of mind".

Sometimes I find it liberating to just 'not know'.. and sometimes it makes me content with the thought that HE doesn't know sh*t about US either, so we need to keep it that way and carry on making our lives better without them. It might be childish but I always fantasize about one day bumping into him and being totally apathetic towards whatever he's up to, while being and looking FABULOUS. Because I would have paid more attention to myself that makes me look so much better.

Finch.. I agree because we always know they MUST be online but we are secretly hoping they're not.. then get soo disappointed when our fears are true. I've realized this is really self-destructive. We need to stop thinking it will be different.

Karala I also agree with you that we will never know whether they're thinking about us or not.. My ex has told me he still cares but I still don't believe it.. I guess I just kinda believe he must be wondering what I'm up to but distracts himself with the online dating.

I hope you can update me on your progress because I went through this 3 months ago, but now find myself back to square one.. but I think I can bounce back from the trauma faster now. I need support for the urges and your tips are great! Have any others you can share?
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Old 17th July 2011, 6:53 PM   #12
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oh also, I deleted him of Facebook recently as well.. so much better. But I still cringe wen I get the urge to even just check his profile pic and see a random girl "like" it or comment. grrr

It makes me sick, because sometimes I make myself sick by giving in to urges!!
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Old 17th July 2011, 6:56 PM   #13
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K,

So all this short story to say: If someone does not want you in their life, it truly is a good idea to let it go. Because it will truly end up only hurting you , by tracking their movements and life. Even if they are suffering or indeed lonely, how will it make you feel better if they are not wanting to contact you? You still are not apart of their live due to their choosing, not yours.
So true, I might just post it to my wall to remind myself everyday! This should be like a mantra for people going through what we're going through
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Old 17th July 2011, 7:05 PM   #14
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I'm just curious to know whether anyone has felt that from keeping them out of sight, out of mind, do you find yourself putting them back on a pedestal at some point? Wondering whether they've changed, wanting to call them up and see how they're doing? How would we stop THOSE urges, after cutting out the stalking part?
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Old 17th July 2011, 7:19 PM   #15
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i found that the best way for me was just to allow myself to give in to those urges as often as i wanted....until i got bored. which was about 2 weeks.

everytime i catch myself thinking positive things about him, i switch my thoughts to the last guy i was crazy about and obsessed with. i now couldn't even care less and i focus my energy on trying to remember his last name! it's hilarious that i forgot. it distractss me and reminds me that this is temporary.

maybe you've seen i was really bad a while back. i'm still not 100% (cancelled a few dates last minute, just couldn't handle it) and i still think about him alot but i am complletely over ever wanting to see or hear from him again...UNLESS it's a profuse apology....which i would enjoy but would not reply to..!!

it goes away. really it does.

OH and m y ex, who used me as a rebound, was back online dating the nenxt weeek after we broke up, seeking a new rebound while still in constant contact with the ex that we broke up over...and he claims that he changed.

online dating is for lazy and needy people mostly.i'm sure there are a few good ones but i'd think it fair to say that 80 percent of them would not make healthy, suitable partners.

they're either looking for a meal ticket, a rebound, a hook up, someone to make their ex jealous and the second you call them on it, they'll fire up the pc, plug in some stats and whole page of new 'yous' will pop up for them to again, exploit.
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