Lessons From the Young

[0hpenelope]

I just wanted to share this from a dumper's perspective: a now 20-year-old college student who lived through the experience of having a "crazy" ex, a girl who was then 17 years old who experienced her loss of a first love. He broke up with her 1.5 years ago.

 

In short, the sooner you accept your dumper's decision, the better off you are. NC, NC, NC. Also, I'm aware that people from eNA shadow this board so if you're going to re-post this over there, please link back to this thread. I'm sure we can all use perspectives from each other. Thanks!

 

Penny (that's me as P), cousin's M

 

P: So... I heard from your younger sister that you had an interesting experience with your ex, S.

 

M: Oh yeah... That, that was crazy, I just don't even know where it came from.

 

P: I love stories about past relationships! I wanna hear this, let me hear this.

 

M: Oh, sure. So you know, I moved away for college and I got super busy. Fall semester was okay, then Spring semester came about and I started to go home less often. And she'd call to see if I was going home so we can hang out. It was easier in high school because I was around, so if she asks "You wanna hang out?" I'd be like "Yeah, let's hang out," but it's harder in college.

 

P: She didn't understand that at the time, the whole college thing.

 

M: Yeah. And then she just started getting really jealous, so we decided to take a break. The break didn't work for me and a week later, I just told her "I'm done."

 

P: Okay, okay.

 

M: And you know, she just started crying. She'd send me text messages and call me a lot. But it got really crazy because she'd leave me voicemails of her just crying on the phone. She joined my sister's dance group. She'd visit my mom and my sister at the house just so she can, you know, still get my attention or something, but she finally got the hint. I mean, I feel guilty for hurting her and my mom said not to, because that's what I needed to do.

 

P: But you feel guilty because you cared about her.

 

M: Yeah, I did. But that just... she just went crazy! I had no idea where all of that came from, I never thought that I'd see it from her.

 

P: So instead of leaving you with good memories of her, she kind of just killed it with her actions -

 

M: Yeah, yeah, exactly!

 

P: You know, I just wanted to ask, do you think that if you have enough time that's passed, you could give it another shot with her? I mean, I just ask that because nobody ever really knows what's going to happen in the future, but with the way she acted... had she not been like that...

 

M: Oh yeah, I agree, but um... she just really acted out, I had no idea that she could be like that. I don't want to go through that with her anymore, it's like "Whoa. Where did this come from?" I had no idea she could be like that.

 

P: To be fair though, at her age at the time, none of us really knows how to communicate and deal with things. So she dealt with it in the best way she knew how at the time.

 

M: Yeah, of course. But I was still so surprised, I didn't think she could become like that. I mean, after a year of not talking to her, I talked to her pretty recently like... 2 weeks ago?*

 

P: Really? How is she?

 

M: She seems cool now. I guess.... I think she's cool.

 

P: How do you mean?

 

M: I guess she's cool, but I just remember how she was like. That was crazy. It really just didn't work out between us. It seems like she's cool now, but I don't really know.

 

*I didn't get to ask if she initiated or he did. I'm thinking she did because he's interested in someone else now. Also, I don't know how she got in touch with him, Facebook, phone call, or text. He was nice enough to entertain the contact, but it didn't affect him as he was just turned off by the whole ordeal.

 

Different stages in life, different people, different experiences. but there's a recurring theme here.

[Sugarkane]

When my ex dumped me completely out of the blue, he called me crazy. Even though I never done any of these things ever. In fact I've never contacted him even once. I haven't spoken to him since we brokeup, so how can I be crazy?

[EmperorR]

This is true, funny thing my ex who i was going to marry who i dated for 3 years engaged and everything I got over her quickl, yet this last female because I did not go true NC and she got closer to my family is still around sadly.

[0hpenelope]

When my ex dumped me completely out of the blue, he called me crazy. Even though I never done any of these things ever. In fact I've never contacted him even once. I haven't spoken to him since we brokeup, so how can I be crazy?

Sugar, you know that my example is just a presentation of common examples that 'dumpees' do but it's not everything.

 

If you say that you haven't conducted yourself poorly post-break up, then I believe you. The thing is, I don't know how your ex is thinking you're crazy. If playing "Let's Assume!" games will help, then I'll play it right now.

 

Maybe your ex is looking back on the things that bothered him about you when you were in the relationship. Because if you had quirks that bothered him, then to justify his mean approach and mean attitude towards you, he has to exaggerate and blow those minor annoyances out of proportion. Otherwise, he'll have to admit to himself that you aren't a crazy ex at all. But the thing is, those quirks? You probably don't have to change them one bit! He's just not accepting of you.

 

I've heard guy friends talk about ex girlfriends this way. "Ohh yeah, she was crazy when we were dating," etc. But when I heard the "crazy things she did," they weren't so crazy at all: the guy just didn't like what she did because her actions went against his personal preference. I tell them "That's not her fault, though, she didn't do that to annoy you on purpose" and then they're able to justify their negative reactions all over again, which led me to learn a lesson: often times, it's not about us - it's about them.

 

So these are my assumptions about your ex. But the only one who really knows why he considers you "crazy" is himself - and even then, maybe he really doesn't know.

Edited June 29, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[0hpenelope]

This is true, funny thing my ex who i was going to marry who i dated for 3 years engaged and everything I got over her quickl, yet this last female because I did not go true NC and she got closer to my family is still around sadly.

Right? Makes me cringe when I think of how I used to deal with break ups. Terrible!

[fiat500]

When my ex dumped me completely out of the blue, he called me crazy. Even though I never done any of these things ever. In fact I've never contacted him even once. I haven't spoken to him since we brokeup, so how can I be crazy?

 

 

lol Sugarkane. I was told the same thing while he was breaking up with me and I never contacted him or stalked him afterward nor was I a terrible girlfriend to him. He brought up one instance where I was upset at him one day while we were dating and told me I was crazy for it. ONE instance. Couldn't give me another one.

 

They verbally abuse you while they dump you to convince themselves that they're making the right decision. What's worse is that I couldn't even defend myself while he was making this one accusation because it would only cement his delusion and further prove that I was really "crazy." Never yelled at him either.

 

And here's the reason why I know I'm RIGHT. When I went to get my belongings ten weeks after he told me he was through, he asked if there was any way we could be FRIENDS. Um, excuse me? He called me crazy ten weeks ago over the phone. Now he wanted to be friends? Why be friends with a crazy person?? Since I was SOOOO crazy that he had to get out of the relationship it didn't make sense that he was asking to be my friend.

 

BECAUSE GUILT.

 

People who do this are the ones with the problems. Wanting out of the relationship is FINE. But you don't have to make up things about the person to convince yourself that you made the right choice. I'm not crazy just because I had one bad day and was in a bad mood. If it happened a lot then, yes. But I'm a woman and woman are emotionally different then men.

 

Tangent finished.

 

I hope that bastard finds himself with a real psycho girlfriend. Then he'll SEE what crazy really is.

[0hpenelope]

I hope that bastard finds himself with a real psycho girlfriend. Then he'll SEE what crazy really is.

 

I just tried to like this, simply because "psycho" girls really are a dime a dozen.

 

And here's the reason why I know I'm RIGHT. When I went to get my belongings ten weeks after he told me he was through, he asked if there was any way we could be FRIENDS. Um, excuse me? He called me crazy ten weeks ago over the phone. Now he wanted to be friends? Why be friends with a crazy person?? Since I was SOOOO crazy that he had to get out of the relationship it didn't make sense that he was asking to be my friend.

 

BECAUSE GUILT.

 

People who do this are the ones with the problems. Wanting out of the relationship is FINE. But you don't have to make up things about the person to convince yourself that you made the right choice. I'm not crazy just because I had one bad day and was in a bad mood.

 

Four for you, fiat coco! You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! This is it, right here! That's what I'm saying. These kinds of exes will exaggerate, exaggerate, exaggerate! They make assumptions.

Edited June 29, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[Forever Learning]

I was told the same thing while he was breaking up with me and I never contacted him or stalked him afterward nor was I a terrible girlfriend to him. He brought up one instance where I was upset at him one day while we were dating and told me I was crazy for it. ONE instance. Couldn't give me another one.

 

They verbally abuse you while they dump you to convince themselves that they're making the right decision. What's worse is that I couldn't even defend myself while he was making this one accusation because it would only cement his delusion and further prove that I was really "crazy." Never yelled at him either.

 

And here's the reason why I know I'm RIGHT. When I went to get my belongings ten weeks after he told me he was through, he asked if there was any way we could be FRIENDS. Um, excuse me? He called me crazy ten weeks ago over the phone. Now he wanted to be friends? Why be friends with a crazy person?? Since I was SOOOO crazy that he had to get out of the relationship it didn't make sense that he was asking to be my friend.

 

BECAUSE GUILT.

 

People who do this are the ones with the problems. Wanting out of the relationship is FINE. But you don't have to make up things about the person to convince yourself that you made the right choice. I'm not crazy just because I had one bad day and was in a bad mood. If it happened a lot then, yes.

 

I hope he finds himself with a real psycho girlfriend. Then he'll SEE what crazy really is.

 

This is a great description of how it usually ends when you have dated someone who is an EMOTIONAL ABUSER. You had only seen the TIP OF THE ICEBERG, believe me!

 

They come up with some ridiculous name calling that is completely unfounded (calling you crazy when you acted perfectly civil).

 

It's a clear sign of an abuser.

 

Glad you left this person, he is the crazy one and you are so much better off, that is guaranteed.

[jquest1280]

I just wanted to share this from a dumper's perspective: a now 20-year-old college student who lived through the experience of having a "crazy" ex, a girl who was then 17 years old who experienced her loss of a first love. He broke up with her 1.5 years ago.

 

 

ohpenelope, thanks for sharing this story. I'm also very interested in these kinds of stories, now that I am over my journey. Makes me wish I'd gone NC sooner than I did, maybe I'd still have gotten a 2nd chance with him, but anyway, life is too good now even without him, so all's well.

[onlyafool]

In fact I've never contacted him even once. I haven't spoken to him since we brokeup...

 

This is why they think we're crazy.

 

How can someone not want to talk to me after all the things we've been through together (good and bad), that's just crazy!

[Melrapuo]

Lol this is hysterical. This was one of the main reasons why I tried so hard in the beginning the let NC happen, even though my own will power wouldn't let it be. Granted, I went kinda psycho that first week or two, but the circumstances were slightly different (i.e. she wouldn't make a decision between me and the new guy, but decided to hang out with the new guy anyway to 'feel things out').

 

I guess it just goes to show you that NC just makes sure you leave a decent impression in the end. And to make sure you don't join clubs and visit their family whenever you want.

[SillyS]

Rather be "crazy" than not feel for someone, than to not love someone truly...

 

Rather be "crazy" than to be selfish and hurt someone that cares about me in the process...

 

Rather be "crazy" than to never place yourself in someone else's shoes and understand how your partner is feeling...

 

So all in all, I condone being crazy in these instances.