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Its been a while since Ive posted here. My buddy just came back in town from college. He told me that my ex texted him a while ago when she was down near his college town with some friends and was seeing what he was up to. He said that he was at a bar and that was the extent of the convo. He said that they did not hang out.

 

Whats weird is that my ex hated him, she even de-friended him on FB after we broke up. I did go on his phone and saw her profile pic, she is still single as it appears. But she looked great and as happy as can be without me. That makes me feel sad. :(

 

I was thinking about writing her a letter, because she is leaving town forever and I will probably never see her again. I just want there to be no hard feelings. The trouble is is that I still think it would kill me to be in contact with her. It has been nearly 7 months of total NC. I guess I could just use a little support/advice.

 

Sometimes I feel like I will be single forever and that I will never be able to trust another girl again. I cant believe I still feel this way after so long...

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marqueemoon4

don't do it.

 

i know how you feel though.. my exW has put me through hell on earth, is with an OM, has 0 feelings for me, hell I think she's glad I'm miserable and for some God unknown reason I still miss her. It doesn't make a lick of sense.

Edited by marqueemoon4
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JON long time no see hermano,

 

I´ll write more soon, but just wanted to say quickly that you should NOT send her anything at all... what happened to you is that since you heard about her you had a setback, i have a lot of those when i hear news about my ex, the important thing here is not to give in to the dark side of our brain that wants to keep us suffering for someone who doesnt care about us.

 

stay strong... you will not be single foverever bro

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Dear ex_____,

 

I have thought a lot about whether I should even write this note to you. Eventually I decided that it would be the appropriate thing to do. I must first start off with saying happy belated birthday, and congratulations on graduating/whichever fellowship you decided to take. Ultimately I know that your never coming back, this makes me very sad. When I said that I truly loved you, I meant it. That was the reason I had to block you on Facebook, because every time I saw any kind of picture of you happy it made me feel like I was dying inside. You looked as if you had just dropped a bad habit. I am not looking for any sympathy from you, you owe me nothing. I know now that you never really did love me, because there is no way that somebody who loved me could be as stone cold as you were towards me. I have come to accept this. Also, I know that in the end of our relationship, you brought up a bunch of old arguments about things I did long ago, so that you could blame the entire thing on me to make yourself feel better about what you did. I would have appreciated the truth that you had gotten a job offer elsewhere and didn’t see our relationship working out and that R_____ and your sister had convinced you to breakup with me. While were on this track, I have done a lot of thinking about how things went down. You claimed that you couldn’t trust me going to bars because there were other girls there, yet you had J__ sleep over multiple times while I wasn’t there. I am sure that nothing ever happened but I hope you at least see my point. Either way that is water under the bridge now. I am finished ragging on you now. I promise.

 

Ironically, I got a job offer from P________ in T____, M_ (Her hometown) three weeks after we broke up. I turned it down. I just wasn’t going there.

 

I have come a long way since we broke up. I have saved a bunch of money, and I am also leaving (my hometown) in a couple of weeks for a few years. I am glad that you dumped me because I had planned to use that money to buy you an engagement ring and propose to you on your birthday. I guess in the end it is best that we broke up before things went any further or got more complicated.

I talked to a lot of people about the best ways to deal with a break up and the consensus was that you had to erase yourself out of each other’s lives. This is why I haven’t been going to (your grad school) and have avoided (her neighborhood) like the plague. I was NOT going to be the psycho ex-boyfriend who stalked you, or did anything like that creep did to your little sister. I figured that the best thing I could do for the both of us was to just disappear and let you live your life. I tried my hardest to respect your decision to leave. Sometimes the best thing to do when you run into an unsolvable problem is to just walk away…

 

In the past few weeks, (previous ex) and I have begun talking again. I apologized to her for being such an *******. We are just friends, but it is proof that if enough time goes by ex’s can become friends again. I hope that someday you and I could be friends again.

I honestly hold no grudges towards you or any sour feelings. I hope that you find what you’re looking for and lead a happy and fruitful life.

 

-J0n

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To all the people who broke up 6 or more months ago:

 

1. How do you feel about things?

2. How often do you think about it?

3. How long have you been NC?

4. Anything you would have done differently?

5. Other thoughts?

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IfiKnewThen

jon,

 

i too am in a rush. youre probably better off not writing...i dont know . BUT to tell you the truth...i would write. not the letter you posted here. but another letter. i can be more specific when i have more time. have to run. but i think it would help you heal.

 

sometimes there needs to be communication. it can help.

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1. How do you feel about things?

 

I feel relieved its over and I try to stay focused on the negative aspects - we loved each other but she was a commitment phobic and I was never sure I trusted her - and forget about the love.

 

2. How often do you think about it?

 

From a few minutes after I wake up to when I go to bed.

 

3. How long have you been NC?

 

Break july 2010, NC since Feb. She's emailed me a few times since and I either ignored or cursed her to hell and wrote back to leave me alone. Each time I received news I went into a frenzy. I finally blocked her on email which was the last means of communication we had. She's blocked on FB and we both changed our numbers - but at first she told me she blocked me. Blah blah blah, its all lies, even for small stuff.

 

4. Anything you would have done differently?

 

Had I known what she was up to I would have went NC from day 1. I operated within the best of my abilities and based on what she told me, which were lies, so I'm not being hard on myself. I did my best with what I had, it was a break and I really wanted to give her the space and time she wanted, so I did.

 

5. Other thoughts?

 

Don't send the letter.

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To all the people who broke up 6 or more months ago:

 

1. How do you feel about things?

2. How often do you think about it?

3. How long have you been NC?

4. Anything you would have done differently?

5. Other thoughts?

 

Thought I'd jump in and reply on this. You're not alone JON.

 

1: I still feel she "manufactured" the breakup. She definitely had commitment-phobic tendencies. I'm more at peace with it now though.

 

2: Several times a day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her or the breakup in some way.

 

3: Sept. 2nd, 2010. Two weeks after the breakup.

 

4. Not have gotten so attached to her. The red flags were there from the beginning, I just chose to ignore them and lacked the experience with a commitment-phobe to understand what was happening in front of my eyes.

 

5. A couple weeks ago I had a moment of weakness and checked her FB page, on which she had a picture with her new boyfriend sharing a milkshake and looking all smitten and in love. About a week later my friend (her cousin) tagged a FB picture of himself from their uncle's wedding a year ago. It was the first time I'd seen the picture, and sitting right next to him was me with my arm around the ex, looking all smitten and in love.

 

I don't know if this new relationship of hers will last. I suspect that it will last longer than ours, if out of her own pride as much as anything. She burned a few bridges when she dumped me, and I think she'll try to validate that by sticking with the new guy regarless of whether or not she's truely happy with him. He looks like a decent enough fellow. I honestly pity him a bit.

 

But in the grand scheme of things none of this really matters. We need to focus on ourselves and not get pulled back into their worlds. It just doesn't happen overnight or after a few months, and there may be temporary setbacks along the way.

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nyc_guy2003

Since I have nothing to lose by being honest, I'll give you a very honest opinion of this letter. It makes you sound very pathetic and looking for some sort of self-validation. Don't send her anything even remotely similar to this.

 

Dear ex_____,

 

I have thought a lot about whether I should even write this note to you. Eventually I decided that it would be the appropriate thing to do. I must first start off with saying happy belated birthday, and congratulations on graduating/whichever fellowship you decided to take. Ultimately I know that your never coming back, this makes me very sad. When I said that I truly loved you, I meant it. That was the reason I had to block you on Facebook, because every time I saw any kind of picture of you happy it made me feel like I was dying inside. You looked as if you had just dropped a bad habit. I am not looking for any sympathy from you, you owe me nothing. I know now that you never really did love me, because there is no way that somebody who loved me could be as stone cold as you were towards me. I have come to accept this. Also, I know that in the end of our relationship, you brought up a bunch of old arguments about things I did long ago, so that you could blame the entire thing on me to make yourself feel better about what you did. I would have appreciated the truth that you had gotten a job offer elsewhere and didn’t see our relationship working out and that R_____ and your sister had convinced you to breakup with me. While were on this track, I have done a lot of thinking about how things went down. You claimed that you couldn’t trust me going to bars because there were other girls there, yet you had J__ sleep over multiple times while I wasn’t there. I am sure that nothing ever happened but I hope you at least see my point. Either way that is water under the bridge now. I am finished ragging on you now. I promise.

 

Ironically, I got a job offer from P________ in T____, M_ (Her hometown) three weeks after we broke up. I turned it down. I just wasn’t going there.

 

I have come a long way since we broke up. I have saved a bunch of money, and I am also leaving (my hometown) in a couple of weeks for a few years. I am glad that you dumped me because I had planned to use that money to buy you an engagement ring and propose to you on your birthday. I guess in the end it is best that we broke up before things went any further or got more complicated.

I talked to a lot of people about the best ways to deal with a break up and the consensus was that you had to erase yourself out of each other’s lives. This is why I haven’t been going to (your grad school) and have avoided (her neighborhood) like the plague. I was NOT going to be the psycho ex-boyfriend who stalked you, or did anything like that creep did to your little sister. I figured that the best thing I could do for the both of us was to just disappear and let you live your life. I tried my hardest to respect your decision to leave. Sometimes the best thing to do when you run into an unsolvable problem is to just walk away…

 

In the past few weeks, (previous ex) and I have begun talking again. I apologized to her for being such an *******. We are just friends, but it is proof that if enough time goes by ex’s can become friends again. I hope that someday you and I could be friends again.

I honestly hold no grudges towards you or any sour feelings. I hope that you find what you’re looking for and lead a happy and fruitful life.

 

-J0n

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To all the people who broke up 6 or more months ago:

 

1. How do you feel about things?

 

Tbh, I miss her too, but I am no longer in pain. I miss her inthe same way I'd miss a close person who has died. Thats how it feels, I know she isnt coming back and I've been total NC since November of last year. I have enough self respect and pride to know that if any contact was to be made, it should be on her behalf and not mine. If not then it is her loss.

 

I miss having her around, I miss that closeness we had but I do feel I will get that again 1 day. An ex came into my work the otherday from around 5 years ago. She was looking really hot to be honest. But i had no motivation to catch up and get her number which says to me I am not ready to date again. This ex didnt end badly, it ended mutually and we went our seperate ways.

 

Do i think my most recent ex will contact me 1 day? I honestly do think so. That's not me holding out hope, I just genuinely think when she gets to feel what its like to be betrayed 1 day (and she will) then she will think of me and the relationship we shared.

 

2. How often do you think about it?

 

Everyday stil. Not almost as often. But alot of the time it will be good things that have happened and I just think to myself 'she would have loved that!' but not even in a sad way. In a 'oh shes missing out' kind of way. I'm begining to get my confidence back and get bk to the old me, the person she fell in love with back then. It feels good to get that back. I plan to be the most respected and loving bf to whoever steals my heart next, and with my new found knowledge I'll be sure to handle things properly this time.

 

 

 

3. How long have you been NC?

 

6+ months, not counting tbh

 

4. Anything you would have done differently?

 

First year we was together was just too perfect. Probably too perfect, it was her first serious relationship and maybe she thought relationships were just supposed to stay fresh and exciting all the time. After the year mark things settled down, and I actually prefered things settled than in the honeymoon phase. I loved being her best friend as well as lover. Towards the end of the relationship, I feel I relied on her far to much, that is something I did regret.

We began arguing over silly things and I regret how things ended between us, even though it was her fault for going behind my back. (startin to hurt a little typing this)

 

 

5. Other thoughts?

 

 

My thoughts. Dont contact her. My ex ex contacted me after my breakup , she musta heard from someone. And my thought was 'why are you even talking to me, what do you want....'

Dont let the ex think that about you, let them contact you, if not...have some pride and self respect and move on.

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Since I have nothing to lose by being honest, I'll give you a very honest opinion of this letter. It makes you sound very pathetic and looking for some sort of self-validation. Don't send her anything even remotely similar to this.

 

I appreciate your honesty. That is why I post on this forum, people here have nothing to lose by being completely honest. I realized shortly after writing this that it did sound pathetic. At this point my friends get annoyed with me whenever I bring her up saying "dude, seriously, there are other fish in the sea, you need to get over this"

 

I feel like this whole experience has 'split' my brain into two parts. The rational/practical/reasonable side, and the emotional love drunk side.

 

The rational side: Ultimately I know that what happened has happened, there is nothing that I could say or do to my ex that would in anyway change the circumstance or make me feel any better. In fact any communication would probably only make things worse than they already are between us. I think that someday I may reach out to her, but only once ALL feelings have subsided, how long that will be who knows, if ever.

 

The emotional side: Catherine was my first 'true' love, this was the first breakup of my life where the entire situation was out of my control. All I could do was accept what she said when she dumped me. I will probably always have some feelings for her, I will always think about her. I have come a long way since the split, I have learned a lot about who I really am. I am still emotionally scarred, but I know that I will live through this. At this point I am so scared of being hurt by somebody new, that I am not sure I can trust anyone else for a long time. I just don't know. I am really lonely... I just miss her... god... d**n it.

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Thought I'd jump in and reply on this. You're not alone JON.

 

But in the grand scheme of things none of this really matters. We need to focus on ourselves and not get pulled back into their worlds. It just doesn't happen overnight or after a few months, and there may be temporary setbacks along the way.

 

Thanks for your response, there are many bumps in the long road to recovery. This is just another for me. This whole experience has really changed me, I have learned much like you have that the only thing we can do is to grow from this and move forward. It has been really hard for me to turn my back on somebody who I loved and cared about so much. I too ignored many red flags in the name of love, I will definitely never do that again. I don't think I can deal with this again. We are moving to opposite sides of the country in a couple of weeks, so I know deep down that there is ABSOLUTELY ZERO chance of her being a part of my life anymore. This thought has been tough for me to accept, but I am forcing myself to move on. Its funny to think that we have been NC for almost 7 months and I still think about her this way.

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To all the people who broke up 6 or more months ago:

 

4. Anything you would have done differently?

 

First year we was together was just too perfect. Probably too perfect, it was her first serious relationship and maybe she thought relationships were just supposed to stay fresh and exciting all the time. After the year mark things settled down, and I actually prefered things settled than in the honeymoon phase. I loved being her best friend as well as lover. Towards the end of the relationship, I feel I relied on her far to much, that is something I did regret.

We began arguing over silly things and I regret how things ended between us, even though it was her fault for going behind my back. (startin to hurt a little typing this)

 

 

 

I know what you mean, I hate to bring up painful thoughts. Sorry man. This sounds very similar to what happened to me and my ex.

 

 

5. Other thoughts?

 

 

My thoughts. Dont contact her. My ex ex contacted me after my breakup , she musta heard from someone. And my thought was 'why are you even talking to me, what do you want....'

Dont let the ex think that about you, let them contact you, if not...have some pride and self respect and move on.

 

"Have some pride and self respect and move on." That really rings with me, because that is what I know I have to do. Every day is one step forward, I know that getting into contact with her, especially now would be a seriously bad idea. It would be a huge setback. I am really glad that I posted this here and didn't send that letter, I would not only have looked really pathetic but it wouldn't have helped my cause at all. I am moving away for good in two weeks, it is time to set my sights on the future. I have to leave her in the past. I think that she will respect me the most if I just stay out of her life, even though that doesn't really matter anymore...

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To all the people who broke up 6 or more months ago:

 

1. How do you feel about things?

2. How often do you think about it?

3. How long have you been NC?

4. Anything you would have done differently?

5. Other thoughts?

 

Hey Jon thought i'd help you out.

 

1. Better, I am no longer in pain and I do have lingering feelings. I am more angry at her hence her behavior but I do miss her at times.

 

2. Everyday. I'll catch myself not thinking about her which is nice.

 

3. 1 1/2 months.

 

4. Everything I did at the beginning begged and pleading and should have went NC immediately!!!!

 

5. I think your just hitting a rough patch since you know she's leaving forever. I don't think it would hurt to send a letter to clear up emotions but don't expect anything back from her or anything signifying to get back together. Be happy that you will meet someone new and get excited for that moment.

 

Be good.

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5. I think your just hitting a rough patch since you know she's leaving forever. I don't think it would hurt to send a letter to clear up emotions but don't expect anything back from her or anything signifying to get back together. Be happy that you will meet someone new and get excited for that moment.

 

Be good.

 

I wrote her a short email back in December in which I never received a response (I ended it with "There is no need to respond to this"). It basically said that I was sorry for everything hurtful I ever said. I also explained why I was blocking her on FB. I then wished her the best for the future.

 

Honestly I don't think that she would hold any grudges. At least I hope she doesn't. I have decided that for now, it would be in my best interest to just let her live her life without me being in anyway a part of it. In a moment of weakness yesterday and today, I almost broke NC after nearly 7 months. I am glad that I did not. I need to focus on what is best for ME at the moment. I feel like if I sent her a message and received a response it would make many painful feelings resurface. I just don't need this now.

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I am not sure if you guys remember or not but in some of my earlier posts I mentioned that there was one more time that I might run into my ex gf. It is her graduation, and since my little sister goes to the same school and is also graduating tomorrow I have to go. It is a fairly decent sized school 12,000 undergrad; so there probably isn't a huge chance that I will run into my ex but if I do I will probably freak out. I have been really nervous about this day for some time now. I am absolutely dreading going... I just know I am going to bump into her someway or another. I went with her last year when she graduated from undergrad. Ughhh

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IfiKnewThen

jon

 

i spoke to someone who i handnt talked to in five months. that ONE particular conversation was good for me. i personally think you shouldn't say a lot of things you are saying int he letter, although the letter is very good and it is what you feel. it is important to say what you feel. but heres what i did.

\

 

i called him. and i read my letter to him on the phone, i a nice calm voice. but BEFORE i read the letter, he apologized as soon as he heard my voice. anyway mine is a whole other and different story. but its harder for them to turn you down when they hear you. or if you run into them. if you ruin into at this event,. say hello and tell her you would love to talk to her before she and you both go away and to give it the time. then maybe bring our letter. modify if only to the point where she will listen and its not offensive.

 

 

thats how we get others to listen.

 

you have to make up your mind not to get anything in return from her and to be strong. you have to actually not care if youre no longer in N/C. it takes that kind of focus and determination. you have to not fear. period.

 

thats all i have to add. good luck whatever you do. and youre doing great . dont worry

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silvermane187
To all the people who broke up 6 or more months ago:

 

1. How do you feel about things?

2. How often do you think about it?

3. How long have you been NC?

4. Anything you would have done differently?

5. Other thoughts?

 

1. Not too bad when I'm having a good day and keeping myself distracted. I still have bad mornings and dealing with the random triggers or travelling around the city still depresses the hell out of me.

 

2. Every morning and night still. Other that that I've gone from every other minute to only a few tiems an hour on average. More often when I have triggers and am alone without anything to distract myself.

 

3. Five months since our last texting back and forth which didn't end well at all and ****ed with my head enough to snowball into losing my job this week. I bumped into her at the mall a couple weeks ago but only said hi and walked away before she could say anything.

 

4. I wouldn't have taken her for granted and believed she had the same loyalty as me during the relationship. I would have called her on the redflags and not let them slip just because I loved her. I wouldn't have been so pathetic towards her during the b/u after I made it clear how I felt about her and she said she wasn't going to change her mind and never really loved me anyway. I wouldn't have broken NC multiple times over the first 3-4 months that only set me back on multiple levels. There are lots more, I'm full of regret when I think about it.

 

5. 7+ months and I've still got a long way to go. =/

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jon

 

i spoke to someone who i handnt talked to in five months. that ONE particular conversation was good for me. i personally think you shouldn't say a lot of things you are saying int he letter, although the letter is very good and it is what you feel. it is important to say what you feel. but heres what i did.

\

 

i called him. and i read my letter to him on the phone, i a nice calm voice. but BEFORE i read the letter, he apologized as soon as he heard my voice. anyway mine is a whole other and different story. but its harder for them to turn you down when they hear you. or if you run into them. if you ruin into at this event,. say hello and tell her you would love to talk to her before she and you both go away and to give it the time. then maybe bring our letter. modify if only to the point where she will listen and its not offensive.

 

 

thats how we get others to listen.

 

you have to make up your mind not to get anything in return from her and to be strong. you have to actually not care if youre no longer in N/C. it takes that kind of focus and determination. you have to not fear. period.

 

thats all i have to add. good luck whatever you do. and youre doing great . dont worry

 

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and I have decided that it is in my best interest to just let her go without calling or sending a letter. When we broke up, I was very nice I promised that any communication that I would ever have with her again would be strictly peaceful. I respected her wish to be on her own, and without me. I told her that I thought she was a great person and I was sorry that things didn't work between us. I did my best to leave things on as good of terms as possible.

 

I am not going to send a letter because in the nearly 7 months (it will be exactly 7 months tomorrow) that we have been broken up, she has not reached out to me once. I sent her a letter about 7 weeks into the B/U to which I never received a response. It was very peaceful and nice, and I think that anything I would say or write now would just echo that letter. I honestly think that anything I would say would just fall on deaf ears anyway. I am going to leave it on her, if she wants to contact me with anything to say, I will be civil and hear her out.

 

This breakup has been very hard on me. I don't think I can deal with reviving old painful memories. I think it would be best for me to just walk away from this one. There is nothing I could say or do that would make me feel any better about this situation. :/

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melenkurion
To all the people who broke up 6 or more months ago:

1. How do you feel about things?

 

It's seven months since my breakup. Right at the moment I feel rather angry about it, and I miss him, slightly. A couple of weeks ago I felt pretty much OK. It varies enormously.

 

2. How often do you think about it?

Every day. It's not longer the first thought on my mind when I wake up, however. I think about it way too much. I think right now I can maybe go perhaps two hours at most without thinking about it. It has been better than that. Back in February I was immersed in something else and barely gave it a thought for two whole weeks.

 

3. How long have you been NC?

 

Effectively NC for 5 months. I broke it once, over a bill. He refused to pay the bill, and that caused a major setback for me. I have no real desire to break it now.

 

4. Anything you would have done differently?

 

I wish I had gone NC from day one, when he ran away. However, I didn't do much that embarrasses me. I sent him a couple of texts every couple of days after he ran away, but before the breakup. After the breakup, he texted me every day for about a week before I stopped answering him, and I really wish I hadn't responded to those. When we met up for the breakup talk, I wish I had never told him that I wanted to try and fix things. He actually told his friend that he lost some respect for me for that. In fact, after I found out that he had cheated, not used protection, I wish that I had some self-respect and been the one to put an end to it.

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GreenPolicy
Dear ex_____,

 

I have thought a lot about whether I should even write this note to you. Eventually I decided that it would be the appropriate thing to do. I must first start off with saying happy belated birthday, and congratulations on graduating/whichever fellowship you decided to take. Ultimately I know that your never coming back, this makes me very sad. When I said that I truly loved you, I meant it. That was the reason I had to block you on Facebook, because every time I saw any kind of picture of you happy it made me feel like I was dying inside. You looked as if you had just dropped a bad habit. I am not looking for any sympathy from you, you owe me nothing. I know now that you never really did love me, because there is no way that somebody who loved me could be as stone cold as you were towards me. I have come to accept this. Also, I know that in the end of our relationship, you brought up a bunch of old arguments about things I did long ago, so that you could blame the entire thing on me to make yourself feel better about what you did. I would have appreciated the truth that you had gotten a job offer elsewhere and didn’t see our relationship working out and that R_____ and your sister had convinced you to breakup with me. While were on this track, I have done a lot of thinking about how things went down. You claimed that you couldn’t trust me going to bars because there were other girls there, yet you had J__ sleep over multiple times while I wasn’t there. I am sure that nothing ever happened but I hope you at least see my point. Either way that is water under the bridge now. I am finished ragging on you now. I promise.

 

Ironically, I got a job offer from P________ in T____, M_ (Her hometown) three weeks after we broke up. I turned it down. I just wasn’t going there.

 

I have come a long way since we broke up. I have saved a bunch of money, and I am also leaving (my hometown) in a couple of weeks for a few years. I am glad that you dumped me because I had planned to use that money to buy you an engagement ring and propose to you on your birthday. I guess in the end it is best that we broke up before things went any further or got more complicated.

I talked to a lot of people about the best ways to deal with a break up and the consensus was that you had to erase yourself out of each other’s lives. This is why I haven’t been going to (your grad school) and have avoided (her neighborhood) like the plague. I was NOT going to be the psycho ex-boyfriend who stalked you, or did anything like that creep did to your little sister. I figured that the best thing I could do for the both of us was to just disappear and let you live your life. I tried my hardest to respect your decision to leave. Sometimes the best thing to do when you run into an unsolvable problem is to just walk away…

 

In the past few weeks, (previous ex) and I have begun talking again. I apologized to her for being such an *******. We are just friends, but it is proof that if enough time goes by ex’s can become friends again. I hope that someday you and I could be friends again.

I honestly hold no grudges towards you or any sour feelings. I hope that you find what you’re looking for and lead a happy and fruitful life.

 

-J0n

 

DO NOT SEND THIS LETTER!!!!!!! Trust me on this.

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GreenPolicy
Its been a while since Ive posted here. My buddy just came back in town from college. He told me that my ex texted him a while ago when she was down near his college town with some friends and was seeing what he was up to. He said that he was at a bar and that was the extent of the convo. He said that they did not hang out.

 

Whats weird is that my ex hated him, she even de-friended him on FB after we broke up. I did go on his phone and saw her profile pic, she is still single as it appears. But she looked great and as happy as can be without me. That makes me feel sad. :(

 

I was thinking about writing her a letter, because she is leaving town forever and I will probably never see her again. I just want there to be no hard feelings. The trouble is is that I still think it would kill me to be in contact with her. It has been nearly 7 months of total NC. I guess I could just use a little support/advice.

 

Sometimes I feel like I will be single forever and that I will never be able to trust another girl again. I cant believe I still feel this way after so long...

 

Don't send the letter and break NC, especially the letter you posted below. I hope you haven't already.

 

Yes it is okay to still feel sad after 7 months apart. You loved this girl deeply. Therefore the pain will be deep. That is normal. If I recall, she broke things off rather abruptly, and didn't give you much in the way of an explanation that made sense. She never came to you with stuff in the relationship that she wanted to change, or things that you were doing that she wanted you to stop doing or start doing. You were blindsided in a way. So you are grieving the loss of her in your daily life, you are grieving the loss of the future that you planned with her, you didn't get closure, and speaking from a similar experience, it is VERY difficult to move on and process your loss when you don't understand the reason for it occurring in the first place.

 

My ex isn't the first girl to dump me or break my heart. But what stands out about it and has made it hurt worse is that there was no rhyme or reason to it. At least with the other girls, I knew exactly what was happening and why, even if I didn't like it. There was a certain logic to what was unfolding. Having to accept the finality of what happened to me without ever getting closure, without ever knowing with 100 percent certainty what happened, and only being able to make an educated guess, of course that is going to f*ck you up mentally and emotionally for months.

 

All you can do is move forward in a positive direction. In another thread you mentioned regularly working out at the gym and getting cut and ripped. You have been in strict NC. With a loss like this, it will take time to come to terms with it and make peace with it. It's not like you guys dated for 4-5 months and nothing serious was ever discussed. You were on the verge of making a huge commitment and the rug was pulled out from underneath you. There is no rule that says it should take you X amount of time to "get over it." In time, as you fill up your life with positive activities and make friends, you will eventually want to try again. Relationships are risks. When you enter into one, you are taking a risk that this person will one day really hurt you. A long-term relationship is like you're in a kayak trying to swim from California to Japan. You might capsize at any time. But do you want to stand on the shore and say "I'm never getting out there again because of what happened to me this one time."

 

Be easy on yourself and find peace.

 

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

 

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

 

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!

 

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.

 

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

 

I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.

 

I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.

 

Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.

 

That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.

 

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GreenPolicy

To all the people who broke up 6 or more months ago:

 

1. How do you feel about things?

 

Don't like it, Don't understand it, I feel sad, I feel angry, but I have to accept it. If I want that in my life again (fall in love, have a committed relationship with somebody I care about and love deeply) I have to move on and become emotionally available. Take the positive path available to me.

 

2. How often do you think about it?

 

A lot. But what I think is different. Instead of asking WHY? or fantasizing about reunion scenarios, it's more "What can I learn from this?" "What can I do to heal and move on with my life?" or maybe sometimes I will have a memory of a good time.

 

3. How long have you been NC?

 

6.5 months

 

4. Anything you would have done differently?

 

Nope, other than to not obsess about her so much. I can only control myself and I can only fix myself

 

5. Other thoughts?

 

Acceptance is the key to peace of mind and serenity. You have a choice to be a survivor or a victim, to use this experience as creative inspiration to build a better you... or to wallow in misery and bitterness and let yourself be defeated.

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Cloudymood

JON:

 

I think before you make or initiate any contact with your ex, you need to ask yourself if it's going to hurt you even more or put you back in square one if you don't hear from her after you send this. And if so, would you be strong enough to handle it.

 

I know that self-preservation and pride are what many preach on this forum and to an extent, these people are correct. When it comes to having your heart broken in a million pieces, it's our instinct to protect and watch out for ourselves. None of us wants to get hurt, especially when the pain comes from someone whom we love deeply.

 

If I may say this though... strangely enough there have also been situations where I have been told by more than a few female friends that, "had my ex simply tried to reach out once more... had he just tried harder... had he not ignored me.... things might've been different." Granted, I am a guy so I don't really know what girls have in their heads. But when it comes to either relationship or friendship, I tend to be someone who rather not live with regrets down the road.

 

To me, the possibility of suffering more pain in exchange for any regrets for not trying once more is the price that I can live with.

 

That being said, even if you decide to send the letter I wouldn't want to mention anything about the relationship, apologize, or drag it for longer than a few paragraphs. Simply letting her know that it's been a painful experience for you but you've learned to respect her decision is more than enough. If she misses you and wants to contact you, she will. If not, start taking care of yourself and wish her the best from the bottom of your heart.

 

My two humble cents.

 

Cloudymood

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