5 Months NC - Conflicted, But Not Convinced

[rootless]

I could really use some insight, encouragement and/or affirmation right now, guys.

 

I'll happily provide background details to anyone who's kind enough to take an interest, but I didn't want to impose too much on anyone's time, so here's the most abbreviated version I can come up with.....

 

My ex-girlfriend left me about 5 months ago.

It was the second time she'd done so.

 

She's typically a decent human being, but the way my ex handled the breakup was pretty horrific. I was genuinely stunned at the lack of compassion, as it's really out of character for her.

 

Anyway, much to my disappointment, the whole thing devolved into what was more or less a love-letter to fickleness and passive-aggression.

Without much exaggeration, here's an honest recounting of her thoughts: "I love you. I don't love you. I want to leave. No, wait-- I want to go to couples counseling. Just kidding, I want to leave. You're all wrong for me. No, I think we should spend more time together... time which I'll use to brush up on alternatively neglecting and criticizing you.. You know what? I don't think this is going to work out."

 

You get the picture.

 

I suggested that we see a couple's therapist together, and she accepted.

(We're both in our 30s, and dated for 18 months, and had talked quite a bit about getting married. So, understandably, I took her at her word.)

 

No dice.

 

At the last minute, she got cold feet. She called me over on a Saturday, and proceeded to tell me, very flatly, that I had become little more than a nuisance to her. "I just don't think this is going to work out. I feel like I can only handle you in small doses, and I'm forcing mysel --"

 

In a move that surprised even me, I cut her short, stood up and walked out. I don't know if it was clarity, anger, pride, self-worth, or what, but I'd heard enough.

 

I thanked her for the time we spent together, wished her luck and left without another word.

 

I knew whatever followed wasn't going to be for my sake. Nothing she was about to say would have been for my benefit-- she's wasn't going to offer to mitigate my pain, or help me make sense of it, or otherwise display any sort of compassion towards me. Any conversation would have only served one purpose: to make her feel okay about dumping me.

 

Sorry; not my job to make you feel good about crapping on me. I'm gone.

 

This was 5 months ago.

 

Since then, she's tried to reach out to me a couple of times.

None have been compelling enough to respond to.

 

First, I got the classic non-apologetic "apology":

"If you're hurt, I'm sorry".

Nope. My feelings aren't what you should be sorry about.

Your thoughtless, embarrassing behavior is what you should be sorry about.

I'm not responding.

 

Next, she tried "liking" some comments I made on a friend's Facebook thread.

ARE YOU *KIDDING* ME?

You lazily push a button, and I'm supposed to jump at that?

NOPE.

I'm not responding.

 

Then, she begins switching her profile pictures to snapshots I took of her.

Ones that are saturated in shared memories; ones that she looked beautiful in, and I had complimented her profusely on.

But.... NOPE.

I'm not responding.

 

Then, I get a text message on Easter.

One sentence; fairly impersonal: "Hope you have a nice blah blah blah, hope you're doing well, blah blah blah".

NOPE.

I'm not responding.

 

So-- my question is....

 

Knowing that she's a person who has ENORMOUS difficulty expressing her feelings, that relies heavily on passive, non-committal gestures, am I out of my mind to think that all this crap is done on purpose?

That, however lamely and dysfunctionally, she's trying to get me to talk to her, so she can assuage her guilt?

 

Am I totally nuts, or is that not what's happening here?

 

Lastly -- I could really use some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by not responding to her.

 

I miss her like hell, and part of me still loves her, but I know that I'm not willing to associate in any way with her, unless she provides some sort of genuine, substantial, heartfelt apology. Something that acknowledges that she holds some responsibility in all this. Something that recognizes that I didn't deserve the shoddy treatment she gave me.

 

Until then, I'm just gonna keep moving forward with my life.

 

Whattayathink?

[GreenPolicy]

Do you want to get back together with her? If the answer is yes, you can lay your cards on the table and let her know where you stand, what you're willing to do to accomplish what you want, what you need from her to accomplish that, and put the ball in her court. I'm not a NC Nazi - I think NC is for when you come to the point where you realize you are powerless over the situation and have no ability to influence or change it. So if you think you have a hand to play, then you should play it.

 

If you don't want to get back together with her, then just stay in NC. She may not feel like she's done anything to warrant an apology, so there's no point in having a conversation.

[rootless]

Green -- thanks for responding!

 

Is there a desire to get back with her?

 

Consciously -- No. It would be a TERRIBLE idea. She's done this to me twice now, and there is ZERO indication that there's been any kind of self-examination, growth, or acceptance of accountability. There's A LOT of wonderful things about her, but she's also one of the most entitled human beings I've ever met. Nothing's her fault. Ever.

I'm fairly positive that somewhere, right now, she's complaining to her friends how childish and hurtful my refusal to talk to her is. After all, she sent one whole sentence in a text message! See how kind and magnanimous she is?

 

Subconciously -- Yeah, probably, a little. I don't have that stuff on a toggle switch. I can't just turn it off. Even though I know I'd only be setting myself up for more heartache, there is that vestigial hope that comes from spending so much time with someone, and making so many plans together. It's tough.

 

I really do appreciate the input though -- the first time we broke up, I pretty much did exactly what you suggested. I took a few months away from her, worked on myself, met up with her and opened my heart to her. And it worked... for about 6 months. At which point, she left me again.

 

And what's most perverse about it is that I worked my A$$ off the second time around. I REALLY made an effort to bring my best to the relationship. And in thanks, I got dumped with even less respect and consideration than the first time.

 

How messed up is that?

[sandman223]

I think you should stay in NC for now, no matter what you want out of the situation. My ex was passive-aggressive at best, and probably more emotionally closed off, so when I got the boot I was completely shocked and stunned, with no fighting or anything else whatsoever to give me any advanced warning.

 

That being said, I did break NC after over 2 months, and I feel stupid for it. It set me back a ton, and didn't accomplish anything.

 

If the ex ever wants you back, the distance is whats going to make her realize it. You opening up the lines of communication too early will kill all of this, because she will realize she can just have you whenever she wants, and you won't be a priority anymore, just a backup. Let her lay it out in a straightforward manner before you risk your emotional well-being and progress.

 

Good luck!

[rootless]

Thanks, sandman!!!

 

I'm making a concerted effort NOT to entertain the idea of reconciliation this time.

I did that once already, and she blew it.

 

My ex is SUPER closed-off as well. When she's not happy about something, or unsure, the girl just shuts DOWN.

 

The only scenario I can imagine getting back together under would be at least a year or two down the line-- after she had done some *significant* soul-searching, and could produce some tangible evidence that she's made a real effort to address her avoidance and detachment issues. I'd have to get a note from a therapist, basically.

Otherwise, I'm entirely convinced that she'd pull the same stunt all over again.

It's a pattern for her. She's done it to every guy she's ever dated, and one unlucky guy she married and divorced. She's very hit-and-run. I don't think she can help herself, honestly.

 

As hard as it is to let her go, I know that moving on is the only rational, sustainable choice here.

 

Getting back together with her, without seeing a very real, fundamental change in her, would just lead to more misery. She's locked into a pattern, and doesn't see it. Nothing I, or anyone else, can do about that. She's gotta want that for herself. Until then, she's just gonna keep doing the same thing, over and over.

 

I'd like off the merry-go-round, thank you very much.

 

In truth, I just want someplace I can vent about this, and seek support, without getting myself into trouble. I HUGELY appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.

That's AWESOME!!!!!

Edited May 12, 2011 by rootless

[sandman223]

Thanks, sandman!!!

 

I'm making a concerted effort NOT to entertain the idea of reconciliation this time.

I did that once already, and she blew it.

 

My ex is SUPER closed-off as well. When she's not happy about something, or unsure, the girl just shuts DOWN.

 

The only scenario I can imagine getting back together under would be at least a year or two down the line-- after she had done some *significant* soul-searching, and could produce some tangible evidence that she's made a real effort to address her avoidance and detachment issues. I'd have to get a note from a therapist, basically.

Otherwise, I'm entirely convinced that she'd pull the same stunt all over again.

It's a pattern for her. She's done it to every guy she's ever dated, and one unlucky guy she married and divorced. She's very hit-and-run. I don't think she can help herself, honestly.

 

As hard as it is to let her go, I know that moving on is the only rational, sustainable choice here.

 

Getting back together with her, without seeing a very real, fundamental change in her, would just lead to more misery. She's locked into a pattern, and doesn't see it. Nothing I, or anyone else, can do about that. She's gotta want that for herself. Until then, she's just gonna keep doing the same thing, over and over.

 

I'd like off the merry-go-round, thank you very much.

 

In truth, I just want someplace I can vent about this, and seek support, without getting myself into trouble. I HUGELY appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.

That's AWESOME!!!!!

 

No problem. I understand how you feel. If you wanna discuss further and don't mind leaving an email address on the forum, I'd be willing to do that. Thats up to you though. I think sharing experiences and the like is very helpful in the healing process.

[rootless]

I'm not super shy -- I'm okay with talking about stuff here on the forum. So long as I don't have to compromise anyone's anonymity or privacy, I don't mind opening up here, in the thread.

 

In fact, I was kind of hoping to get multiple perspectives on the situation, if that's cool.

[IfiKnewThen]

i am sorry for all your troubles. i am sorry too.....because i have been through hell and back....

 

oops am i back? hmmm.... sure trying.

 

but when i read the following:

here's an honest recounting of her thoughts: "I love you. I don't love you. I want to leave. No, wait-- I want to go to couples counseling. Just kidding, I want to leave. You're all wrong for me. No, I think we should spend more time together... time which I'll use to brush up on alternatively neglecting and criticizing you.. You know what? I don't think this is going to work out."

 

At the last minute, she got cold feet. She called me over on a Saturday, and proceeded to tell me, very flatly, that I had become little more than a nuisance to her. "I just don't think this is going to work out. I feel like I can only handle you in small doses, and I'm forcing mysel --"

 

I knew whatever followed wasn't going to be for my sake. Nothing she was about to say would have been for my benefit-- she's wasn't going to offer to mitigate my pain, or help me make sense of it, or otherwise display any sort of compassion towards me. Any conversation would have only served one purpose: to make her feel okay about dumping me.

 

First, I got the classic non-apologetic "apology":

"If you're hurt, I'm sorry".

 

Nope. My feelings aren't what you should be sorry about.

Your thoughtless, embarrassing behavior is what you should be sorry about.

I'm not responding.

 

Knowing that she's a person who has ENORMOUS difficulty expressing her feelings, that relies heavily on passive, non-committal gestures, am I out of my mind to think that all this crap is done on purpose?

 

That, however lamely and dysfunctionally, she's trying to get me to talk to her, so she can assuage her guilt?

 

Am I totally nuts, or is that not what's happening here?

 

I miss her like hell, and part of me still loves her, but I know that I'm not willing to associate in any way with her, unless she provides some sort of genuine, substantial, heartfelt apology. Something that acknowledges that she holds some responsibility in all this. Something that recognizes that I didn't deserve the shoddy treatment she gave me.

 

 

i had the strangest reaction on LS. and this never happened to me before. i LMAO <----i never even wrote that before. but the way you described your situation (which is not funny of course)...made me truly laugh out loud. its the way you wrote it. lol you should be a writer~!

 

ok now that i stopped laughing and just smiling a little, i really know what dealing with passive aggressive is all about and talk about it a lot here on LS.

 

its horrible to NOT know what your up against. and it was horrible how she made you feel like a nuisance. i have been there done that..with being the recipient of that kind of treatment. its so degrading, its...............not funny.

 

maybe you just described what i went through so well. but i digress. this is about you. so you're conflicted, but not convinced. not convinced about maintaining N/C? so far i think everyone gave you great advise....especially green policy. i am a firm believer in try all then go N/C. but it seems you did give it a "first' try. when you said you went all the way the first time, i am wondering what you did exactly.

 

first off , if she is truly PA, then at the time they are acting like that, you have to point it out to them, in a delicate non threatening/ insulting way. and that is WORK. but each time they are acting PA, that is exactly what you have must do. did you do that?

 

do you consider yourself to have an aggressive personality? (trying to step back and look at it a little more from my disadvantage point).

 

 

you mentioned 9inadvertantly) that she criticizing you. most PA really don't criticize, they smile and nod and then covertly do damage. what was her criticism of you. i mean its not absolute that they dont criticize but not as common. did you address her criticism of you and how?

 

ok this isnt a stress test you dont have to answer all the questions but i am curious because it may help to have more insight.

 

but honestly i can tell you this. apologies from them after you are treated like this if sincere, can help. you have a fat chance of getting it, but recently i got mine. (i think). it took 1 year. and I thank the Lord actually. It only happened a day ago so i have to see in due time how it really aids me.

 

the only "sorry" i got before sounded more like. sorry i have to do this but i cant wait to flee. gee sorry. i felt so out of control. and to go from the sweetest greatest person ever who would never hurt me to ..this. now in retrospect, i can say i cant blame him for leaving me. but it was the way he did it that was so shocking so cruel. and when i look back he probably was with me for a year? feeling like this and "pretending" to be there. i didn't show appreciation for years, myself..and i am ashamed of it. i was under stressful circumstances but no excuses. i was still wrong. but he got so CRUEL and out of character for a year after. and 5 months post break up got married. this stirred inside of me ..the anger...(even tho i was wrong for years he lead me to believe all was ok prior to ending). i felt duped, shocked, panicked. you name it. i kept saying i cant believe this. at least you saw it coming, as far as she has done this before.

 

 

like green policy said, if you feel like you DID do everything...(and only you can discover how much you need to do or where your responsibility lies) then you can stick to N/C.

 

it can be basic immaturity, GIGS syndrome (you have to look that up on here)

 

but if the conflict is whether or not to pick up the phone for text, etc. you might want to give it a wee bit more time. it does not have to be indefinite.

 

a PA that shuts down completely like that is rough. things would have had to be addressed (without nagging pressure) pointing out, the shut down or thing they might be doing to perpetuate the situation. in a non finger pointing way. yep.

[IfiKnewThen]

sorry, its midnight here. a bit tired. there might be lots of typos, but i hope i didnt say things in a way that was too confusing.

[Leda]

Knowing that she's a person who has ENORMOUS difficulty expressing her feelings, that relies heavily on passive, non-committal gestures, am I out of my mind to think that all this crap is done on purpose?

That, however lamely and dysfunctionally, she's trying to get me to talk to her, so she can assuage her guilt?

 

Am I totally nuts, or is that not what's happening here?

 

Lastly -- I could really use some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by not responding to her.

 

 

 

I think she might not even JUST be lamely and dysfunctionally trying to assuage her guilt...she might be lamely and dysfunctionally trying to edge towards yet another reconciliation.

 

Keywords: lame, dysfunctional.

 

You are right to not respond. She might really love you and want it to work...or she might just feel guilty...but either way, she is a confused mess and she doesn't have the skills to get it to work. She needs to work on some of this stuff alone, whereas you're at a place where you're ready and able to be serious enough with someone to get married.

 

I think you should focus your energy on yourself and your healing, making sure YOU are ready for something functional and workable. And then, when you are ready, connect with someone who's a better fit.

[Cloudymood]

Nice post!

 

I've read a lot of threads in this forum and I think yours is definitely sticky post worthy. I guess I can somewhat relate to how you feel, as we're both in our 30s and have lost someone whom we deeply love(d).

 

Let's take the focus off your ex for a bit and be real rootless. You seem like an individual with a lot of emotional discipline and self-control. What makes your post stand out from the other ones I've read here is that while you value your pride, you don't necessarily go overboard to degrade your ex no matter what she did to you. You're also not acting in a needy and pathetic way even though you do care a lot about her.

 

If I may venture to guess your mind, no matter how much you want to stay clear of your ex, there must be a tiny spark in your head that's telling you to entertain the possibility of reconciliation. Or else it wouldn't have made any sense for you to start this thread.

 

Since you already possess the skill to control your emotion and to let your head speak on your heart's behalf, I think you don't necessary have to continue full NC on your ex. Think of it this way. She's a girl. And girls are usually not thick skinned. You probably know her more than I do so you should know how sincere she is when she initiated communication with you. All I am saying is that if you value the possibility another relationship with her more than the mistakes she's made in the past, then go with your logic.

 

I know it hurts a lot to be left by someone you love. The same has just happened to me a month ago. While I have my pride and walked away from this situation like a man, if my ex were ever to come back to me, I will never bring up the fact about how much she's hurt me in the past. Why? Because I am going to show her just how much bigger of a man I am compare to the guy she perceived me as. Your idea of having your ex getting a note from the therapist is a great idea. Though you may not want to say it so bluntly to let her think that you're still blaming her for what she did to you. Think about it, unless you want the other person out of your life for good. What good is it to make her feel guilty when she's back in your arms again?

 

The foregoing is just my two cents. I truly believe that you handled your breakup with class and style. Although we have the same approach, I wish I had handled mine as nicely as you did.

 

Hope everything works out for the best for you and your ex.

 

Cloudymood

[GreenPolicy]

 

How messed up is that?

 

It's not messed up. You shared a lot of great times with this girl. It's natural and normal to lament those great times ending, and wishing that you could go back to them. But I think you know deep down that the relationship that you want and the person that you want to be with, you can't find in your ex. I'm in kind of the same boat. But we wish we had that magic wand to wave that could take us back to Eden. But just like in the Bible, the way back to Eden is barred. We literally can't go back, even though in a perfect world we wished that we could.

 

The thing as well about reconciliation is that you could never let go of some of the resentments you've built up towards her for how she treated you, and you'd never feel confident about the relationship or its future, as you would always be walking on eggshells wondering when she'd bail again.

 

Another thing is that you feel you are owed an apology for her cruelty, and it doesn't appear that she feels she has done anything to warrant giving one. An apology from her at this time would probably be a self-serving one to assuage her guilt, rather than deeply felt contrition over the pain that she caused you to feel. Your ex is a dry well, and you have to come to terms with the fact that you can't draw any water from it - successful reconciliation (at least at this time), getting a heartfelt apology that would help you and make you feel good, or closure in the traditional sense. Once you realize that you can't draw any kind of water from the well that this entire situation represents, it might help you to move on better.

 

A lot of times as dumpees we condition moving on and gaining closure on receiving some kind of gesture from our exes, whether our exes have exited the relationship with compassion and integrity or not. If they have behaved honorably in dumping you and treated you with respect, then they owe you nothing further and you need to get over it and move on. And if they are immature and unhealthy and treated you like crap in ending things, then they are simply incapable of helping you in this manner, and you need to focus more on the fact that you were spared from spending any more time with this person. How somebody breaks up with you tells you A LOT about that person. It is a good glimpse into their core. Did they do it with grace, compassion, courtesy and respect? Or were they callous and cruel? Don't take good behavior in the past and project it into an imaginary future with your ex.

 

Honestly, unless your ex is beating down your door and telling you how wrong she was, how she realizes what she lost when she gave you up, and she is ready to enter counseling on a long-term basis to fix the damage done and do the right thing to earn back your trust, there's nothing to respond to.

[rootless]

Awww-- you guys are THE BEST! Thank you!

 

IfiKnewThen - No worries about laughing! I'm a staunch believer that there's humor to be found in just about every situation. I mean, c'mon! -- yeah, getting dumped is awful. It's THE WORST. But if you can step back every once in a while and gain some objectivity about it, there's plenty to laugh at, too. Yes, it hurts, and it's gutwrenching, and incredibly frustrating... but let's face it; the sheer ridiculousness of it is also kind of hilarious. In almost every breakup, there's no shortage of stupidity-- each party involved usually generously donates more than their fair share of bonehead moments -- and what provides better comedic material than watching people act like idiots? Not much. Yup, I'm lookin' at you, Charlie Sheen.

 

As for her being *truly* Passive-Aggressive-- No, I don't think she is. She certainly exhibits *some* of those traits at times, but it's definitely not the defining characteristic of her personality.

 

It's probably more accurate to say that she misdirects anger/confusion/frustration.

She has tremendously hard time being open and vulnerable. It's like pulling teeth to get her to talk anything she perceives as being negative.

 

When she's distressed about something, she holds it in until there's enough back-pressure, and then finds unrelated/inappropriate things to focus it on. For example, she might be upset with me for not paying enough attention to her, which is a legitimate gripe, but rather than address that, she'd start knit-picking me about laundry, or something equally trivial. I often felt like I was being punished, without knowing what the infraction was. Especially at the end-- a lot of her behavior felt punitive.

 

I could tell she was harboring a lot of confusion and guilt as she was making her decision to leave me, and again, rather than discuss that productively, she would find inane, trivial things to criticize me for; I didn't load the dishwasher right; I made weird noises when I slept; I parked too far away from the front door at Target. Dumb stuff like that.

 

I'm honestly not trying to paint her as a monster -- she's not -- but it's very difficult to meet someone's expectations when they won't tell you exactly what those expectations ARE. Y'know?

 

Anyway, in the final weeks, it got really bad. She was cold, she was distant, she withheld affection -- all the classic signs that you're about to get dumped. But she took it a step further... almost like she was trying to provoke me into preemptively breaking up with her.

 

Like I said -- it all felt punitive. Like I was being punished, for no other reason than I had the temerity to love her, and she couldn't return it. I honestly felt like she was taking all the guilt/confusion/whatever about leaving me, and channeling it into active hostility. I started to feel like the main purpose of our relationship was to provide her with opportunities to tell me what was wrong with me. Like our time together was little more than a chance for her to catalog my faults.

 

I'm smart enough to know that she was doing all this to rationalize her decision to break-up, but still -- that's a LOUSY thing to do to somebody. Especially someone you were in love with at one point.

 

I can't tell you guys how badly it sucks to hear the person you love and want to marry consistently tell you that you're annoying. That's a big OUCH. Not fun.

 

To cut to the chase, eventually I got fed up. I tried to be polite and respectful about it, but I essentially spelled it out for her: "Look, I know you're not happy. And that kills me. It absolutely destroys me to see you unhappy about anything. But I'm making an effort here, and I need you to appreciate it. I need you to appreciate ME, too. I think you're amazing. You're my favorite person on Earth. I want to spend my life with you. But if you can't return that, you need to let me go. 'Cause I'm amazing too. And I need to be with someone who sees that."

 

"The way I see it, there's two options: 1.) We call it a day, and move on with our lives, or, 2.) We get serious about fixing this relationship and go talk to a couples' therapist. Because I can't do this anymore. I can't be in a relationship where I'm in love with someone who can't figure out if they *like* me or not. I deserve better. And so do you. "

 

She chose option 2.

 

For about 3 days.

 

Then, she pretty much blew me off for a week, until she called me over for the breakup announcement, which she delivered with all the kindness and empathy one reserves for the check-out clerk at a 7-11.

 

So yeah-- do I still love her? Yep.

But am I willing to entertain ANY kind of relationship with someone who treats me like that?

 

*HELL* NO.

 

I'm a nice guy, but I have limits, yo.

[rootless]

Leda-- I think you're RIGHT on the money. I don't agree that she's seeking reconciliation, but I know her well enough to know that she's probably feeling deeply conflicted about everything. I know she really did love me... but for whatever reason, she wasn't willing to commit to that. She either genuinely lost interest in me -- which I really can't be angry at her for -- or she let her fears about intimacy get the better of her. Either way, it really doesn't matter-- a relationship isn't going to work when it's that lopsided.

 

More than love, I think she's motivated by:

 

1.) Guilt. She's unbelievably talented at compartmentalizing her feelings, and is the absolute QUEEN of justifying her behavior when she thinks she's doing "what's best", but I'm guessing that it just GNAWS at her that I won't speak to her. At her core, she really is a beautiful human being, and I'm pretty sure she feels just awful about hurting me.

 

2.) Image. As great as this woman is, she cares WAY too much about other people's perception of her. She knows that I'm not a guy who people view as a villain -- I have plenty of faults, but it's a big stretch to fit me for a black hat -- and I think it really bothers her that she may be portrayed as the bad guy in this situation by some. It's odd -- I honestly feel like sometimes the *appearance* of looking nice and sweet is sometimes more important to her than actually *being* nice and sweet. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm fairly certain she's not comfortable being known as "the girl who broke Rootless' heart." Accurate, or not, I imagine it's not a title she enjoys.

 

3.) Delusion. -- I don't say that lightly, or to demean her, or suggest that she's imbalanced, or anything. But I know her-- I can guarantee that she doesn't think she did anything wrong. I promise you, even if she regrets her decision, even if she's just writhing in emotional turmoil over this, she will somehow convince herself that her behavior was completely okay. She's very much a "the ends justify the means" kind of person. She excels at it. Like a rationalization Ninja.

 

 

Cloudymood -- Thanks for your insight! It sounds like we have gone through some similar stuff. I'm sorry for all the hurt you must have gone/be going through. If there's anything I can do to help, lemme know.

 

I really value your advice -- No, I would never try and recriminate her, or "get even" if we got back together at some point. Resentment and grudges are POISON to a relationship. I strongly believe that if you can't let go of the past, you will have no future.

 

That said, I'm not entertaining the possibility of getting back together with her.

Part of me would LOVE to try and work things out, but so far, nothing has transpired to make me believe that things would be any different this time around.

 

Firstly, she hasn't indicated that she's interested in me beyond a couple of extremely feeble gestures.

 

Like I said, I don't think she wants me back.

I just think she doesn't want to feel like the bad guy.

 

Secondly -- I had my shot at reconciliation already. And I'm SUPER proud of myself for it. I did really, really good.

 

In the past, I had left a lot to be desired as a boyfriend. But this time, I really went all-out. I brought my A-Game, and I *know* it.

 

The only way I'd even *think* about a third chance with her is if she brought that same kind of commitment and enthusiasm.

 

I would never actually demand a therapist's note from her -- but I would need to see some concrete evidence that she had changed, or was at least making an active, *tangible* effort to. Not just talk. Plus, trust has been damaged here. A lot. I'm a forgiving person, and probably a little *too* trusting, but in this case, I'd be HEAVILY skeptical. It would take quite a bit to convince me.

 

Green -- WOW! I think you hit on some pretty profound points there. Honestly, I'm gonna need a little time to think about your post before I respond.

 

I actually have a session with my therapist this afternoon -- I started going to see her shortly after the breakup, to deal with the depression, and to figure out why I keep finding myself attracted to unavailable women -- and I'll probably bring up some of the things you said. I think there's some REALLY valuable stuff in there.

 

Lemme let it germinate a bit, and I'll get back to ya'!

Edited May 13, 2011 by rootless

[rootless]

A lot of times as dumpees we condition moving on and gaining closure on receiving some kind of gesture from our exes, whether our exes have exited the relationship with compassion and integrity or not. If they have behaved honorably in dumping you and treated you with respect, then they owe you nothing further and you need to get over it and move on. And if they are immature and unhealthy and treated you like crap in ending things, then they are simply incapable of helping you in this manner, and you need to focus more on the fact that you were spared from spending any more time with this person. How somebody breaks up with you tells you A LOT about that person. It is a good glimpse into their core. Did they do it with grace, compassion, courtesy and respect? Or were they callous and cruel? Don't take good behavior in the past and project it into an imaginary future with your ex.

 

I've been thinking about this post quite a bit, GreenPolicy, as it really resonated with me.

 

I think you've identified the two things that have really sunk their barbs in me throughout this whole ordeal:

 

1.) The thoughtlessness of the actual breakup. I'm honestly not angry at her for not loving me. It hurts, but I can't blame her for it. What bothers me most is the lack of grace and compassion. As I mentioned before, I pretty much handed her an "out". Short of tying a bow on it, I'm really not sure how much easier I could have made it for her to depart on good terms.

I didn't want our relationship to end-- I was excluded from that decision, which I wasn't happy about --but the manner in which it happened is what troubles me most. It was just so disappointing and disillusioning to see her

display so little regard for our time together. Her casualness and flippancy at the end are what's hardest for me to bear. Even if it was over, I really wanted it to remain a beautiful memory; something I could look back on and be proud of; something that would make me smile. Instead, I remember her clumsy, inept mishandling of everything. It sucks.

 

2.) The lack of contrition. It really does upset me that she's made no significant effort to say she's sorry, or acknowledge her role in any of this. Whatever her reasoning, however her feelings changed, I simply didn't deserve the callous, blasé dismissal I received, nor did I deserve the incredibly confusing, confidence-shattering hot-cold, back-and-forth she subjected me to prior to it. There was no infidelity, no abuse, no dishonesty. We really didn't even fight when we were together. The worst trait she could cite was that I "bugged" her. So why did she feel it necessary to dump me as if I had inflicted some unspeakable cruelty on her? Why would she even mention that I got on her nerves? Did she not realize how hurtful that was? How that would rattle around in my head and erode my self-worth once she was gone? I just don't get it. So, yeah-- I'd like to hear her tell me she's sorry for that. I genuinely feel like I've earned that. I feel entitled to at least that much respect.

 

I don't know if I'm ever going to get an answer to either of those points.

But I sure would like one.

That would help me out, A BUNCH.

Edited May 14, 2011 by rootless

[IfiKnewThen]

hi rootless

 

 

thanks for your reply to my reply.

 

when i first said i laughed, i really meant that it was like when a comedian tells you something that you can sorely relate to, and how that makes you laugh in ...relating. i related SO much to how you felt, and you worded it in such a way, that i am telling you, you could be a WRITER.

 

so, i know you spoke about your self worth and psyche being eroded and affected...and i get that too. can relate. but here's to tell you that you are a very good writer and i hope that despite the damaging actions towards you, on your ex's part, you will take that as a compliment, and let your self worth go up a few points here. you really express yourself well.

 

anyway, so she doesn't seem to be full PA personality but there are components there in my opinion.

 

i could be wrong but she almost seems like she did take advantage of you, during the relationship? maybe?

 

anyway, i agree with you that it probably gnaws at her that you wont speak to her.

 

it sounds like you let her know you were unhappy and gave her the 2 options and she went with the therapy. as you said 3 days later she gave you the cold goodbye.

 

i am wondering when you guys were in couples therapy did she perhaps feel like the terapist was not on her side or agreed with you more or perpetuated the "situation" (whatever that may be) for HER.?

 

 

maybe..................... (just thinking out loud here nothing more)......she didnt like the ultimatum of either lets do this or that. saw you were empowering yourself and took offense to that. this doesn't mean its your fault. i am trying to get at what she was thinking. BUT....................

 

 

whatever she was thinking, here is the problem at hand.....

 

she made her decision now and she was damn cold hearted about it. that is shocking beyond belief i know.

 

it minimizes everything the relationship was about. here you thought you guys may have been or should have been different than other people in your relationship (i know i felt this way) , and that now its been reduced to this. like they don't care if you're dead or alive. that is so painful. at least she called and reached out to you. but perhaps you sense and feel its probably just a pity party on her end or to check on you or an ego boast for her, and not the heartfelt thing you need and deserve.

 

personally i would pick up the phone now if she called again. make her accountable. find out what she wants to say. you can be silent on the other ened still. she called. lets hear what she has to say about all of this.

 

dont get her off the hook so easy.

 

i went through this. i was so hurt and mad and i think in a sense i just kept making it easier for him. i know i did. i wanted to "act" different then i had done in the past and so didnt want to heap more on him. sighssssss . but when it ends like this i can tell you this much. all bets are off!! dont protect them. let them say something. let them be accountable. then maybe go N/C. thats just my opinion. then you can even hold them accountable in the future. i did that. i got an apology just recently after a year ago. anyway it was a weee bit more sincere this time. (i think). who the heck knows. but that DOES HELP> IT DOES!!

 

quote: What bothers me most is the lack of grace and compassion.

I was excluded from that decision, which I wasn't happy about --but the manner in which it happened is what troubles me most. It was just so disappointing and disillusioning to see her

display so little regard for our time together. Her casualness and flippancy at the end are what's hardest for me to bear. Even if it was over, I really wanted it to remain a beautiful memory; something I could look back on and be proud of; something that would make me smile. Instead, I remember her clumsy, inept mishandling of everything. It sucks.

 

2.) The lack of contrition. It really does upset me that she's made no significant effort to say she's sorry, or acknowledge her role in any of this. Whatever her reasoning, however her feelings changed, I simply didn't deserve the callous, blasé dismissal I received, nor did I deserve the incredibly confusing, confidence-shattering hot-cold, back-and-forth she subjected me to prior to it. There was no infidelity, no abuse, no dishonesty. Why would she even mention that I got on her nerves? Did she not realize how hurtful that was? How that would rattle around in my head and erode my self-worth once she was gone? I just don't get it. So, yeah-- I'd like to hear her tell me she's sorry for that. I genuinely feel like I've earned that. I feel entitled to at least that much respect.

 

I don't know if I'm ever going to get an answer to either of those points.

But I sure would like one.

That would help me out, A BUNCH.

 

 

i got this same treatment. i was stunned. hurt. confused. he prayed with me in the past. he was by my side when my mom was dying. i tried to help his mom when she was depressed. this man talked about people who acted like A$$ holes, who treated woman like this and yet..................now all of the sudden....this was him. he even had the nerve to say to me "well in a relationship there is always someone who has to get hurt when it ends". the callousness the flippant attitude. i could almost feel his smile on the phone when we spoke. he was downright indecent about it. and he did it this way to get away from me. i also found out he wrote to someone on craigs list who helped aid him in all of this. (getting away from me after 10 years of being bonded like we were) this stranger. he wrote a letter to say he was unhappy..and asked how to get away. sighs. i got this information only after insisting i knew he must have spoken to someone who was helping him somehow. i told him i was on a forum but didn't tell him what forum (good ole LS)and people suggested to me there, that there must be "someone" he was talking to. (this is true, LS people her said this to me ) he denied it for a few months then admitted this. this too shocked and surprised me. he was unhappy and adamant to get away, at all costs i guess. and fine for him but where was this man that used to pray with me and be this gem? no glimpse of him anywhere. i thought he would have more mercy in how it went about it and acknowledge at least , how cold and horrible it all went down. but notta. i mean i did get an i am sorry. but it was like......weight and sighing, and like gee "i am sorry" i cant even talk to you anymore and be remotely human and make it a beautiful ending. thats all i wanted too at that point rootless, was to at least be able to walk away and have peace of mind and look at beautiful things and have some closure so i can move on and live and not ache so much and be haunted by this. i didnt want to live an angry life. i didnt want to be bitter or worse hate MYSELF. because i began to hate every bad thing i did to him , unintentionally or intentionally. (but not meaning to). it is so hard to live a happy functioning life without forgiveness from them and you forgive them and you forgive yourself. its so hard for it to be this mess, and feel real joy in your heart and life again. because its bad enough you dont get to be with the one you love.

 

sorry for rambling. but i do................get it. what did i do? pray and prayed for God to give me the wisdom and strength and give me even a little window of opportunity to have some peaceful satisfying closure. i still wish i did things differently and always will. because i did love this guy and KNOW i was wrong and i was the one who ruined it. he WAS the one who was always good in the relationship though he was PA. but he was horrible in the end. recently he apologized for that much. the way he was in the end. (sort of apologized ) a felt a weight lift almost instantly. but it is still a heavy load.

 

apologies can help, heal some.

[i made a mess]

Oh GreenPolicy, I can't help but love everything you said in this post!

 

The thing as well about reconciliation is that you could never let go of some of the resentments you've built up towards her for how she treated you, and you'd never feel confident about the relationship or its future, as you would always be walking on eggshells wondering when she'd bail again.

I am dealing with this right now after the ex made his grand reappearance and broke his own NC last month. I am literally walking on eggshells so as to not "rock the boat" since he has yet to tell me why he contacted me in the first place.

 

I truly feel for the OP, rootless, and can't stop re-reading this entire thread because there is so much valuable insight, honesty, and reality in it that I think it is a must read for everyone who comes on here. We're only human, so it's particularly easy to get lost in a fantasy of what once was that we completely disregard the reality of what is now.

 

 

How somebody breaks up with you tells you A LOT about that person. It is a good glimpse into their core. Did they do it with grace, compassion, courtesy and respect? Or were they callous and cruel? Don't take good behavior in the past and project it into an imaginary future with your ex.

 

Talk about hitting the nail on the head! He walked out without a word, changed his number and disappeared for 5 months. Then reappears again and has been flaky ever since. He quickly knocked himself off the pedestal that I had put on him and I'm beginning to question who this person is that has reappeared in his place.

 

 

Honestly, unless your ex is beating down your door and telling you how wrong she was, how she realizes what she lost when she gave you up, and she is ready to enter counseling on a long-term basis to fix the damage done and do the right thing to earn back your trust, there's nothing to respond to.

 

I could have used this one a month ago, despite that it's preached on LS so often. But you are absolutely right!!! While I'm not giving up hope entirely that a new and better relationship can't be started between my ex and I, after reading this it has convinced me it's time to remind him he knows how I feel and unless he's willing to work at this with 110% effort, I don't want to see him or hear from him.

 

 

Rootless, I find my self nodding my head in agreement and saying "yea, what he said!" when I read this:

2.) The lack of contrition. It really does upset me that she's made no significant effort to say she's sorry, or acknowledge her role in any of this. Whatever her reasoning, however her feelings changed, I simply didn't deserve the callous, blasé dismissal I received, nor did I deserve the incredibly confusing, confidence-shattering hot-cold, back-and-forth she subjected me to prior to it. There was no infidelity, no abuse, no dishonesty. We really didn't even fight when we were together. The worst trait she could cite was that I "bugged" her. So why did she feel it necessary to dump me as if I had inflicted some unspeakable cruelty on her? Why would she even mention that I got on her nerves? Did she not realize how hurtful that was? How that would rattle around in my head and erode my self-worth once she was gone? I just don't get it. So, yeah-- I'd like to hear her tell me she's sorry for that. I genuinely feel like I've earned that. I feel entitled to at least that much respect.

In my relationship, I was the hot and cold person. I'd run/shut down when things started getting to a place I didn't want to deal with. However, as you stated there was no cheating, abuse, lying (other than lying to myself about how I felt about him) and we never fought. I'd let my own insecurities about the relationship (fears of being left, hurt, etc) fester until it exploded in some ridiculous outburst over something so trivial and insignificant. It would leave him wondering what the hell just happened.

 

However, instead of telling me that he needed to move on or needed time and space, he just changed his number and disappeared for 5 months. In the final month or so, I was making a concerted effort to open up, let him know that I did want him, that I did love him. It just took a while for the walls to come down. Then he just went NC. I don't blame him for this, and I'll never be resentful of it. What I am resentful of is that I poured my heart out to him in a letter. Told him how I felt, why I acted the way I did, that I'd do anything for a 2nd chance, that I loved him, that I'd work my butt off to show him that he could trust me and that I was really sincere about everything I was saying. I started seeing a therapist to work on my issues and have reached a point that I feel like I finally know myself, trust myself, and love the person I am. So for him to re-emerge from the woodwork now and to be so lackadaisical about everything is really getting under my skin. He goes days without calling, doesn't return calls, doesn't return texts, tells me to relax when I tell him I want to pick my things up from his house (only communication I get from him over a 7 day time period). I didn't get a say in his decision to disappear the first time, I didn't get a say in his decision to call me a month ago, but after reading everyone's comments I've realized that I do get a say in how I respond to all of this. I get to make the decision to walk away this time. I'll absolutely lay it on the table to him what I want/need from him, what I am offering and if he's not willing or in a place in life to be an equal contributor to a relationship than I have no other choice than to be the one to walk away this time.

 

So thank you for your post. I truly hope that everything works out as it should in your situation. You seem like a fantastic person and I'm sure whether it's the ex or someone new, you're going to make some girl very happy with the positive attitude you have.

[IfiKnewThen]

quoting "i made a mess" :

 

What I am resentful of is that I poured my heart out to him in a letter. Told him how I felt, why I acted the way I did, that I'd do anything for a 2nd chance, that I loved him, that I'd work my butt off to show him that he could trust me and that I was really sincere about everything I was saying.

 

amen to this!!!! i relate to that and THEN to be STILL treated cold, is unaccpetable or moreover inappropriate on their parts. i kept saying i dont have to still be with you. just lets treat each other with some amount of kindness. but...sighs. that was still too much to ask at the time. very hurtful

 

quote i made a mess: He goes days without calling, doesn't return calls, doesn't return texts, tells me to relax when I tell him I want to pick my things up from his house (only communication I get from him over a 7 day time period).

 

i year later still trying to get my stuff back from him. a closet full of things at his house.

 

 

anyway the bottom line is this. whether you are married or single or whatever...if you have shared precious time together and professed love to one another over the years..why not be civil and sensitive? why does everything have to be THIS hurtful, confusing, and ugly. i do believe that most people who dont say anything and leave though, don't want to confront you "fighting to have them back". they made up their minds..etc etc. but still i think they owe you an explanation and closure and some kindness...not pity. i can understand too if there was abuse, etc. they are scared and want to make a quick break for their safety and sanity. outside of that, it is just plain cowardly and cruel to be treated like this. and for them to not care if youre dead or alive. its feels so mean and evil and selfish and thoughtless. don't have enough adjectives to describe it here.

 

 

please read this post too after you tired all and allow them to do some explaining. you owe it to yourself. to do all of that FIRST and then go N/C. i would advise reading my favorite post by Mcgrupp. it helped me to cope some and try to experience any kind of happiness http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244265/?highlight=mcgrupp.

 

also this are the most profound goods of insight i have heard here too rootless...quote greenpolicy: How somebody breaks up with you tells you A LOT about that person. It is a good glimpse into their core. Did they do it with grace, compassion, courtesy and respect? Or were they callous and cruel? Don't take good behavior in the past and project it into an imaginary future with your ex.

 

 

and i would like to add that's just because they were great to you before, doesnt mean thats WHO they are now. especially to ...you.

[rootless]

IfiKnewThen - Thanks for the compliments on my writing! I really appreciate that.

I work in a totally unrelated field, but that's actually what I went to school for, so it's always nice to hear.

 

As for being taken advantage of in my relationship -- I did feel that way a little, periodically.

Well, maybe not "taken advantage of", but definitely unappreciated, and a little manipulated, occasionally.

 

But if I'm entirely honest with myself, I was a little guilty of the same thing the first time around.

 

During our first go at it, I tried to dictate the terms or our relationship a little more than I should have-- I exerted too much effort trying control where we spent time together, how much time we spent together, etc.

 

I genuinely feel like I made tremendous strides in that department when we got back together, though. I'm confident I brought a *much* healthier sense of partnership and compromise to the relationship on try #2. And ironically, I think that's what got taken advantage of a little, and even contributed to her desire to leave.

 

Weirdly, I think the fact that I made those changes freaked her out a little. I think my resolve and seriousness wasn't something she was ready for. She's INCREDIBLY-- almost compulsively -- independent, and I suspect that my willingness to invest more time in her -- even though she initially encouraged it -- spooked her a little. I think I may have fallen victim to "careful what you ask for", at least a little.

 

Regarding couples therapy -- we never made it any further than picking out a therapist.

We never actually attended a session together.

 

It was an idea that I supported wholeheartedly and advanced from the beginning of our reconciliation, and she agreed verbally... but ultimately, that proved to be lip-service, which was a pretty huge bummer to me, because I honestly think it could have saved what I felt was a pretty amazing relationship.

 

In fact, I felt so strongly that it would be beneficial that I went ahead and enrolled myself in therapy after the breakup anyway. I want to be a better person, a better boyfriend, and eventually, an amazing husband and father. And I'm not going to curb that determination just because she's not on-board anymore. Whether I'm with her, or not, it's only going to benefit and enrich my life-- wherever I end up. And that's something I'm pretty excited about.

 

You mentioned that you would pick up the phone if she called again -- That one, I dunno about.

Part of me would love to, but part of me thinks that would spell disaster, and land me right back at square-one in the healing process. I think I'm in a place where I have *just* enough distance and perspective on the breakup to be dangerous. I'm staring to feel confident enough to speak to her, but it's still pretty fresh. I don't know if I'm quite ready.

 

Additionally, I really don't think she's ready, either. As I said, I haven't spoken to her -- AT ALL; I haven't checked on her Facebook page, communicated with her friends, texted, emailed, or ANYTHING in 5 months -- but the second-hand information that's managed to leak through hasn't indicated that she's done much thinking about her responsibilities, or the consequences her actions had on me. I heard that she's mentioned the value of forgiveness quite a bit, but I suspect that she still views forgiveness as something she's ENTITLED to, something I OWE her, rather than something she should ask for, or-- God forbid! -- *earn*.

 

I think any conversation with her right now would just frustrate me and hurt me further.

I'm generally not a fan of the words "catharsis", or "closure", but they're basically what I'm looking for. And right now, I don't know if it's possible.

 

As you and GreenPolicy have mentioned -- I just don't see any signs that she's capable of giving me that. Not right now, any way. Possibly never.

 

I'm not interested in revenge at all-- I loved this woman, and probably always will on some level -- but as you mentioned, I don't want to "let her off the hook", either. I love people like a grown-up.

That means accepting their faults, but it doesn't mean condoning the crappy behavior that results from them.

 

 

With that in mind, I honestly think my silence is the strongest signal I can send to her that I don't approve of her behavior. I'm an OBNOXIOUSLY emotive, talkative, articulate guy. I *LOVE* to talk. Nothing makes me happier than chatting for hours and hours with someone who's company I enjoy.

And by keeping my mouth shut, I think it has a much bigger impact than if I unloaded on her verbally, or sent her some long-winded email.

 

She knows how important communication is to me. She knows how much I loved talking to her. By saying nothing, I let her know that this is a BIG DEAL. Because it takes A LOT to get me to shut up. I think my absence says far, far more to her than any conversation could have.

 

At least, for now.

Edited May 16, 2011 by rootless

[Graceful]

Hey Root,

 

Have not read any comments, so here's my take fresh off the front page, FWIW. I'll either be in agreement with others' comments, or have a fresh perspective to add to the confab.

 

Of course, when all you describe are the traits in your post, it's hard to understand what you saw in your ex in the first place.

 

Seriously, dude. She sounds like a real self-centered cold fish. But the big word here is empathy. She's got none, you know what I mean? No empathy. It's not as though she can even calculate her moves to be like this -- it's just the way she is PERIOD.

 

She doesn't even understand, or come close to understanding, what you feel, how you feel it, how to deal with it or even why she should. It's just not in her mental tool box. No can do. She's incapable -- even if you drew her a road map, she wouldn't even know how to follow it. She's clueless.

 

OF course she didn't want to see a therapist with you. What for? That would mean she understood or would be trapped in a room forcing her to understand YOUR feelings. That's right up there with a horror show.

 

At the last minute, she got cold feet. She called me over on a Saturday, and proceeded to tell me, very flatly, that I had become little more than a nuisance to her. "I just don't think this is going to work out. I feel like I can only handle you in small doses, and I'm forcing mysel --"

And speaking of horror shows: Exhibit A. I mean, who does this? It's as though she was just unloading what was on her chest, with no regard whatsoever for your feelings.

 

I knew whatever followed wasn't going to be for my sake. Nothing she was about to say would have been for my benefit-- she's wasn't going to offer to mitigate my pain, or help me make sense of it, or otherwise display any sort of compassion towards me. Any conversation would have only served one purpose: to make her feel okay about dumping me.

Bingo. But in her defense ... (ha ha) this is just proof positive that she has no empathy, and that it never crossed her mind or took any responsibility for hurting you.

 

Knowing that she's a person who has ENORMOUS difficulty expressing her feelings, that relies heavily on passive, non-committal gestures, am I out of my mind to think that all this crap is done on purpose? That, however lamely and dysfunctionally, she's trying to get me to talk to her, so she can assuage her guilt?

No, she has no guilt, I don't see it. She has absolutely no sense what so ever that she's done anything wrong, so how can she have any guilt.

 

This is something you see often around here. So often, in fact, it still amazes me as to how it blows my mind. They feel they've done nothing wrong. They send you down a chute, and you land on your azz, and that's the end of it. What? Not even a soft landing after all you've done for her? What for? As far as she's concerned, your feelings don't matter (to her), the end goal has nothing to do with you or your feelings.

 

Lastly -- I could really use some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by not responding to her.

 

I miss her like hell, and part of me still loves her, but I know that I'm not willing to associate in any way with her, unless she provides some sort of genuine, substantial, heartfelt apology. Something that acknowledges that she holds some responsibility in all this.

Here's your reassurance, wrapped up in a package, with a nice big bow on it ... from me. Sorry that you miss her, but you will never get any type of apology from her and even if you did (and you won't, so this is just for the sake of making my point) it would not be because she wants you back for YOU, it would be that she wants you back for HER. She needs a nice guy on her arm for an event. She needs to be able to say she has a BF. She needs to be admired, tended to, told how great and wonderful she is ... that's why she'd want you back. ALL ABOUT HER. So what good would it do you? Stay the course, and take care.

[IfiKnewThen]

thanks for witing back and i sgree. silence can be golden, as they say.

 

i was only thinking that if you wanted to know what she had to say or whay she was trying to get in touch, then pick up the phone and still be silent and check out why. then say ok..bye.

[IfiKnewThen]

sorry in a hurry all the time. just overlook all my typos. someday i will hit the right keys:rolleyes:

[rootless]

So, I'm about 30 seconds away from having a meltdown.

 

My Grandma just passed away last night, I'm sick with a cold, and by some sadistic turn of luck, I discovered that my ex is going on vacation to some beach resort.

 

When it rains, it pours.

 

So, so frustrating. I really felt like things were starting to turn the corner -- and maybe they still are -- but HOLY CRAP, I feel lousy right now. Just gutted.

 

Ugh!

[GreenPolicy]

So, I'm about 30 seconds away from having a meltdown.

 

My Grandma just passed away last night, I'm sick with a cold, and by some sadistic turn of luck, I discovered that my ex is going on vacation to some beach resort.

 

When it rains, it pours.

 

So, so frustrating. I really felt like things were starting to turn the corner -- and maybe they still are -- but HOLY CRAP, I feel lousy right now. Just gutted.

 

Ugh!

 

Dude I'm right there with you. Click on my name and read my story.My ex blindsided me when I needed her the most - right after the start of a serious health crisis with my dad. I wrote her a heartfelt letter two weeks after she dumped me, not a begging/pleading letter, but just telling her I respected her decision if she felt that it was best, but that I thought what we had together was special and worth trying to save. Her response to that was 2.5 months of radio silence and then she emailed me during my grandfather's funeral arrangements to ask for her bike back. She didn't know about my grandfather until I told her what was going on (because I had been maintaining NC the whole time), but she should have gotten her bike when she broke up with me.

 

My dad's health problems continue: He went into the hospital this week for a serious health problem and his expected lifespan can probably be measured in months, not years the way he's going. I've been NC for 7 months now, and I wasn't about to break it for what was going on with my dad, but times like these I miss her more. But I can absolutely empathize with you and tell you I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through. My ex was cold and heartless to me as well.

[Soru]

So, I'm about 30 seconds away from having a meltdown.

 

My Grandma just passed away last night, I'm sick with a cold, and by some sadistic turn of luck, I discovered that my ex is going on vacation to some beach resort.

 

When it rains, it pours.

 

So, so frustrating. I really felt like things were starting to turn the corner -- and maybe they still are -- but HOLY CRAP, I feel lousy right now. Just gutted.

 

Ugh!

 

I'm real sorry to hear that....My condolence to you and your family man...Times like this, when you need someone to lean on more than ever. And friends and family cant do the things, someone who you love can do...I feel for you...

 

Just like GreenPolicy, I have just suffered a major breakup VERY similar to yours rootless. In fact, it just happened last week. I was in a 15 month relationship with a girl who from the past four weeks or so have started showing signs of indifference towards me. She had major insecurities VERY similar to your girl's problems, and I TRIED to help her through it, and make her the happiest girl I could make her. She KNEW she had silly insecurities, but wasnt ready to face them, and in turn, I became neglected. I loved her. Hell, she was my FIRST LOVE. Right now, i am in the grieving period, and unlike you, I want her back, but at the same time, I want her to realize what I did for her and how much I really cared. She broke up with me in a cold kind of way as well: "I love you..." 24 hours later... "I want this relationship, just feel like I this isn't working anymore"

 

She was a totaly passive aggressive type of person, and I tried a couple times to change her mind, but decided to start NC and see how that effects her...Especially when the breakup wasn't a bad one. it was more her breaking my heart, despite me being a real attentive and loving boyfriend... She wasn't being honest to me. The only way I'd figure out her feelings is through her actions. It was hard....But I still do love her and want her back.

 

As I read your story, I totally could sympathize with you. Can we vent to each other rootless?

Edited May 26, 2011 by Soru