*le sigh*

[Brokenhearttornapart]

Hubby and I split on Good Friday. He's letting me live in our home until our 1st anniversary (6/19/11). Sadly, my job cut back the hours of all of its employees last week. I used to get 3-5 days a week, and now I have 1 day a week. So basically I have to find either 2 part time jobs or 1 full time job to support my daughter and I (and no he's not the bio father, so child support and child custody and all of that is not an issue). The thing is, I am still very much in love with him and he's feeling the complete opposite for me.

 

Neither of us cheated on each other. He told me he wants us to be friends and to have this whole separation thing be amicable. I'm very much hurting over this, but I'm more than willing not to get ugly because I'm hurting enough and I don't want his money or his things. Within days of the split (we are 5 days in now) we wrote down major things in the house and what each of us get. He has been married before and that divorce ended VERY badly. The ex took all of his stuff and his child. He now owes her 1000 a month in child support. I've always been open and honest with him, and I was looking up divorce laws and found the term alimony. If you know what that is, you know where this is going. I told him I found the word and we had a big fight. We're better now (and hopefully he understands i'm not out to get him) but it still hurts he would even think that I would want to take and take from him the way his ex wife did.

 

I do someday want to get back together with him (when he can be in love with me too) but I'm scared. I'm scared that he's going to just drop me like a hat the way he did this time. I know I screwed up, and here's how: I was jealous a lot, I didn't get a job for months when we first got together (so I was living off of him) and in the interval of a year I snooped on his computer 3 times because I felt threatened by 3 different women (2/3 being exes of his, the third being a co-worker I didn't trust). After the third time, he told me he would give me "one last chance", so for a week I thought I had this chance and then Good Friday happens, he basically says that he just told me the one last chance thing to make me stop begging him to get back together. So for a whole week I tried to redeem how I had hurt him and I actually DID learn my lesson.

 

See, the reason why I was so insecure about these women wasn't that I didn't trust him, I didn't trust THEM. I didn't see the pattern until it was too late. I didn't put 2 and 2 together that in all of my past relationships people have either cheated on me or have left me for someone else. I wish I had learned that one a longggg time ago. Now i'm stuck. I have to not only find a job within the month of May, but I have to keep it long enough to save up money for a deposit on a place, find a place to live, and somehow mend my broken heart. I have to be strong for my little girl and not burst into tears when she wants her "Daddy ______" (not saying his name).

 

This is hard for me to deal with because I have so much stress coming at me at once. First my ABC soaps were cancelled (which btw was something we did together), then my job cuts back my hours drastically (to the point where I need another) and now my husband leaves me. My husband --- my rock. Now four days later, i'm struggling to fall OUT of love with him. I'm trying but it's hard. I want to be his friend and follow my big plan - to get a full time job - get a place - go back to school - get a better job - and show EVERYONE that I can be more independent. I want him to see the ambition and everything he saw in me before, but now I've changed. Now I know why I was screwing up and now I'm redeeming myself.

 

I don't know if he'll ever feel the same way for me again because right now it's like he's got this attitude like it'll never happen. He said that he's doing it to protect me, to not make me feel false hope. I felt like we were getting better tonight but that's only because I have my daughter on Wednesdays and we went out shopping with her and he was bonding with her and when she said "Daddy ______" he didn't refute it. I thought that since we were laughing together and having this amazing time that maybe his "change of heart" had happened again. Well, it didn't, and of course it stung. He told me that if he ever falls back in love with me, he'll let me know first and I agreed with him.

 

So I guess my question for you guys is this - When you and your spouse are separating and they want to be your friend, but it hurts you (and deep down you do want them in your life, no matter what they are), what do you do? and how do you act around them?