Obsessing over her past partners...

[janon3002]

First let me apologize for the length of this but in order to get some real feedback and help I wanted to set this up with some history.

 

This is my first posting here. I have always had bouts with mild depression. I used to be extremely insecure, and then I was better, but lately I have begun to feel very insecure again and doubt myself a lot. Lately I have been severely obsessively worrying and thinking about disturbing thoughts

 

The major thing of late that has just caused me so much grief, worry, and pain and has caused me to think obsessively is something that I found out.

My wife and I love each other very much, and we have the greatest relationship, and I know she loves me so very much.

 

Recently I found out who one of her sexual partners was from her past. It was a guy who she met through friends of hers (all before we met.) Well since we had started dating, this guy, through friends of friends etc…, happened to be at several social events that all of our friends attended. Now I wouldn’t say that I had become friends with the guy, however, I got to know the guy a little and had even joked around with him while having a few drinks etc... At one of these events. Overall though through the few times I was in a situation where we were all hanging around together, I did talk with him enough to know that he wasn’t really the type of guy I would like to hang around with, other than the few chance times Me and her and our friends crossed paths with the other group of friends.

Well one night I was out with some friends and ran into this guy and his friends and we had said hi and exchanged some conversation. My wife (girlfriend at the time) who we will call Kate was not out with our group and he noticed that we had a lot more girls in our group than guys (all just friends, and I was in NO way shape or form out for anything but fun with friends. I am and have always been faithful and I know so is my wife.) Well this guy indicated to me not to worry about being out with these women and doing “stuff”, that my secret was safe with him and that they wouldn’t tell Kate. Well this pissed me off, because he was supposed to be a friend to Kate and her group (And remember I still had no idea that he had slept with Kate prior to us meeting.) Well the next day I told Kate about the ordeal, and she didn’t seem all that surprised, although she was mad, and by my knowing this guy I wasn’t either. In this conversation I asked Kate if any of their circles of friends had dated him, or any of those other guys, and she said no.

 

Well, that was that until recently (Now we are married) we saw this guy again at a restaurant from a distance, and in conversation, Kate said that she hated him. And I knew she hated him for what he said to me about that he wouldn’t tell Kate if I messed around on her. Then in conversation, and me being stupid I guess and based on something in the way she said she hated him. I asked her if she had ever dated him. She said that they didn’t date, and then I asked did any of her group of friends ever sleep with him, and she said some fooled around with’em, and then I said who fooled around with him, and she said she did, And of course being stupid and charging blindly into that "I need to know" land I asked her if she slept with him, and she said yes. Well, my heart fell into my toes. It floored me right in the gut. I know I probably had no right to ask her those questions about her past before us, and she told me that she didn’t want to tell me because she knew how much it would upset me, but that she also couldn’t lie to me. I asked her what about the time before when I asked her if she had dated any of them and she said she never technically dated him; it was just that once that she slept with him, and it was a way for her to not upset me by telling me.

 

Well ever since this episode, I have been obsessively having bad thoughts about the whole thing. I can’t go an hour without picturing the two of them together, kissing, and having sex, and doing other sexual acts. It has been driving me absolutely crazy. I obsessively think these bad thoughts, that repulse me and I feel like nothing I try to get them out of my mind works. It is haunting me, and I try to rationalize that he is no different than any other past partner for her, and that I had my past partners as well. However, just having talked with the guy at several lengths of time, knowing his mannerisms, knowing what kind of person he is, just repulses me, and I can’t stand to think about her and him having sex. And I can’t get the images and negative thoughts out of my head no matter what I do.

 

Can any of you help me, or give me some advice? I really thank you for listening to me and putting up with me throughout this long post, and any help, advice or support, you could give me would be much appreciated. Before this, I felt I could always find a away to control my obsessive worrying, or at least put up with it, however now that it involves these obsessive and so repetitive terrible thoughts about her with him. It is eating at me alive.

Please Help

[Fancy]

Wow, this topic is becoming an epidemic around here lately! This is one of several I've heard about men questioning their wives/girlfriends about former lovers and then being obsessed/disgusted by it.

 

You really need to just let this go. You asked a question and kept probing about something that was really none of your concern and now you're upset with the answer.

 

Were you a virgin when you married? Have you been with women prior to your wife? If so, then you have no right to condemn her. She didn't cheat on you. This was before you married. It's not like she has any interest in this man at all. Yes, she had sex with someone prior to you. It's not that big of a deal. Your constant obsessing of this is making it much bigger than it is. You need to focus on the here and now and let the past be in the past. She cannot change what she did. Please don't punish her or interrogate her any further over this. You'll only hurt yourself in the end and cause a needless rift in your marriage. This is incredibly small in the grand scheme of life.

[moimeme]

You can bet that you are spending 100% more time thinking about him than your wife is. If that doesn't make you feel wierd enough to quit this and if you find you are totally stuck in this regard, seek professional help. Counsellors can help you get rid of obsessive thoughts.

[murphomatic]

You have to remember - the specifics about someone's past before they met you is really insignificant. Those were different times - different places - different people. The way your partner has evolved through time is insurance that you are with a unique person - and nobody else has ever had him/her the same way.

 

It's easy to obsess - especially when your obsession is really just your partner and to appease that obsession, you dig into their details. But - back off, and rest assured that if they're an intelligent person - the only thing they will bring forward from their past are lessons they've learned - making them a better person for you now.

 

Sean...