OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 ok..here goes my story...i'll try to make it as short as possible. I am 20..will be 21 in january...she is a year younger than me.. We were together for 3 years, so it started senior year in high school. She was my first kiss, my first gf. I was her first serious relationship. we both lost our virginities to each other...awww... how sweet =) she moved 8 hours away from me about 9 months ago, and things were going great even though it was long distance. We talked all the time on the phone, I actually got this phone plan which was $40/month unlimited long distance...saved a ton of money over calling cards!...and everytime we visited things were sooo great. she has been going through issues with herself though...low self esteem..and she was going through this "finding herself" thing. She broke up with me 3 months ago...because of her own issues. Although the relationship was going great...she said she needed to be alone...now...we were in love...it was only a couple months before she broke up with me that i came to the conclusion that she was "the one." I knew i would always be happy as long as i was with her...so the break up really hurt... She loved me, but she said not as much as i loved her...she said it wasnt fair because she was not ready to fully give herself to me because she doesnt even know herself and doesnt love herself...also she wasnt strong enough for the Long distance... She said she wanted the breakup so that she could get better for me....make herself better and hopefully be ready for me....she also said she wouldnt see any other guys... Ok...well...i was ok for a while...but she had this guy friend from work..and after she broke up with me she was going out with him a lot....we still talked after we broke up..and our communication was pretty good....not the best...but still...she still always told me everything...and i always trusted her...she told me that he was just a friend...but then...it still bothered me..a LOT...now i thought maybe i was just the paranoid ex bf...but then yah....so to sum it up...she ended up kissing him....man..i was HURT....but then i got over it..and we still talked....but she kept going out with him....during that time...we talked on and off....sometimes she would say everything i would want to hear...all the lovey things...then other times she shut me out of her life...so there i was being yoyoed...up and down..up and down....but i wouldnt quit...i couldnt let her go....so i still talked to her..and kept getting hurt... well..this went on for a while..until finally i said..ok...enough....and i let it go....so for a while i was better...almost a whole month i didnt lose any sleep..i was doing better....i was actually to the point that i was able to talk to her as a friend and not feel emotioanlly attached....well...for about a week she started to say all these things....i miss you..i love you...i'm ready to settle down...putting all these ideas in my head again....i brushed them off at first...very afraid of getting hurt again....well ..during the weekend..i collectively took in everything and thought...well maybe she's telling the truth...i just need to build up the trust again and things will work out...so i called her to talk about it...and right then...she shut me out...BAD....no..dont talk to me...dont call me....WTF...only a day ago she was calling me non stop.....WHY......i was doing just fine....i let down my guard and bam...I think the drastic change came because she started seeing this 1 guy and maybe something happened that caused her to shut me out so harshly....because i know she went to study with him that one day..and then spent the whole next day with him....so during those 2 days...something must have happened..i dunno... depressed...losing sleep....again...all over this 1 girl....my first gf...there's a lot more of hurt that i didnt write about...but my friends are all very pissed off at me for even still missing her after all she's done...they think im a puss....and that she's just gonna keep hurting me...so i'm TRYING to keep my distance from her now....but its so hard...i miss her....i still think i would be happy with her...am i just holding on to false dreams? hopes? geez..i wrote so much....so sorry...theres so much more...but i TRIED to keep it short..=). well...i'm not being cocky or anything...but im not a bad guy...im not bad looking...smart...4 year university...nice...respectful....My friends are mad because they say i can just go get another girl easily....but i keep hanging on to this one girl who doesnt deserve any kindness at all.... what do i do? I've never been with another girl....but i dont even feel the need to as long as i can be with her...i really do love her...but i dont want to be hurt anymore....i've been losing sleep thinking about her with another guy...i cant shake the image...the feeling that she's with some other guy now....its agonizing.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 ok...a quick question that might be easier to answer....so she talked to me for a week..leading me on..bring me back and making me feel like she wanted to get back...then she totally shut me off.... i have reason to believe that she's been with another guy...she's been gone late nights...and yah...more stuff... It bothers me...when i sleep at night i wake up every couple hours with that one idea in my head....is she really with another guy? is that why she's not talking to me after being so loving?..... I feel like i need to know....i'm that kind of person though...i just always have to know...no matter how bad....i cant do the ignorance is bliss thing...so i feel that even if it is true...at least if she tells me i dont have to wonder anymore..and i can really start to get over it.... so should i try to find out the truth? should i ask her so i can get over this feeling hopefully.... im thinking the worst i can find out is that she's had sex with him...but then what can i do...i'm already thinking that in my head...and that's just as bad if not worse because i imagine it..then i wonder if its real....at least this way i know its the truth and i can just forget about her...right? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 It sounds to me that you are her security blanket while she's away at school. That when her world is shaky, all she has to do is call you for love and assurance. That's a nice thought, but if she's not interested in resuming or sustaining a relationship with you, you need to cut her off, plain and simple, because it's easy to get used this way. You need to start seeing other girls and stop obsessing over this relationship with this girl, because it's not really going to go anywhere if she's not committed to a relationship with you and you alone. Why cheat yourself out of a life waiting for someone who doesn't want that with you? The best thing for you to do is to admit to yourself that this relationship is over, and that her phone calls are more because she knows there's someone who cares about her very deeply, more than she wants to be with you. Don't be rude, but just firmly tell her that she really doesn't need to be calling you any more if you guys are not exclusively dating each other, that you're not interested in being a security blanket while she tries to figure out her life. Then cut her out of your life and start mingling with creatures of the opposite sex. It's going to be hard making that change, but do you really want to suffer needlessly over someone not interested in a mutually exclusive relationship with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 yah...thanks for the reply....well...she hasnt been calling me lately...i think she's been busy with the other guy....but see...im not sure....its just a strong assumption...but she hasn't talked to me or told me at all....but i THINK that's why she won't talk to me...I want to know the truth though to just put me at ease....is she really talking to another guy? is that why she's not talking to me anymore....so should i find out? or should i try to ignore it...because the thought just bothers me allllll day long...and its like...i feel like i just need to know or it just torments me...so...leave alone? or find out and get it over with...maybe kinda like a closure thing? because she just let me up...and cut me off without anything else you know? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 ask yourself this: once you confirm that she's seeing other guys, what next? I mean, once past getting the needing to know stage? You need to have your plan lined up to get you through that stage, you know? Otherwise, if that's the goal you're going to drive yourself nuts just dwelling on what you've found out ... say she is with this other guy. Do you feel that it now gives you the license to mingle with other girls? Do you feel that's a good thing or a bad thing? if she's not, what options are you willing to explore? you've got to think past this one particular thing that's driving you nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 I'm almost sure that she IS with that other guy... but then yah...once i find out the truth...i'd be mad...upset...but then i think that might be better than being sad...i'll be mad and be like...allright fine...if you're gonna cut me off for another guy...then its just not worth it....and hopefully get on with my life...instead of sitting here WONDERING if she is...or if she is not.... i think she owes me at least the truth for leading me on to believe that she wanted me back so many times and then cutting me off... if she's actually not seeing this other guy.....i dunno....everything points to YES she is though.... plus...i'm already assuming the worse....i have crazy thoughts about her and that other guy alll the time....i wake up to thoughts of them together when i sleep....losing sleep because of her and another guy....its horrible....so i figure since i'm already assuming the worst..i might as well find out the truth and hopefully it wont torment me AS long... i really want to call her and just confront her about it...like...OK....so for the past week you led me on...told me everythign i wanted to hear...thursday she called me multiple times...telling me lovey dovey things....friday i KNOW she went to study with this one really cute guy she just met(she told me)...then saturday she had class with him and hung out with him all day....well i called her saturday night to talk...and she just BLEW me off....so that drastic change made me think something happened..... i want to call and confront her about that....i just want to know the reason for the change to put myself at ease about that situation... is that valid? or should i just consume myself with these thoughts for a while and hope that they go away? i'm already assuming the worst....i'd rather know the truth....but i dunno if other people go through this as well.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 here are the choices that i see... 1. Call her and confront her as soon as i have a chance, get it done, over with and move on 2. Leave her alone with no contact for about a week before i talk to her to give her time on her own..but in the mean time wait and keep thinking about that call... 3. just leave it alone and live with this feeling for a while...and hope i get over it... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 communication is key to any relationship, whether it's just beginning or about to end. call her, ask her why she's blowing hot and cold with you, then tell her (if you don't feel like playing this particular game anymore) that you are not interested in being her security blanket. Either she wants to date you or not, either she wants to be with you or not, no straddling fences or wishy washy answers acceptable. Tell her you are not some object to be dangled about, that you have feelings and needs, too. Period. be firm, but kind, when dealing with her. If she's being wishy-washy or blows hot and cold, just call it quits then and there, because that kind of thinking means the person is willing to string you along for however long it's convenient for them. good luck ... Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 I totally agree and would like to add that shes just been playing mind games with you . When she sensed that you were getting over her she needed to butter the toast and tell you what you needed to hear to string you along.You need to move on before you start loosing friends over this girl that has no intentions of being with you. Originally posted by quankanne It sounds to me that you are her security blanket while she's away at school. That when her world is shaky, all she has to do is call you for love and assurance. That's a nice thought, but if she's not interested in resuming or sustaining a relationship with you, you need to cut her off, plain and simple, because it's easy to get used this way. You need to start seeing other girls and stop obsessing over this relationship with this girl, because it's not really going to go anywhere if she's not committed to a relationship with you and you alone. Why cheat yourself out of a life waiting for someone who doesn't want that with you? The best thing for you to do is to admit to yourself that this relationship is over, and that her phone calls are more because she knows there's someone who cares about her very deeply, more than she wants to be with you. Don't be rude, but just firmly tell her that she really doesn't need to be calling you any more if you guys are not exclusively dating each other, that you're not interested in being a security blanket while she tries to figure out her life. Then cut her out of your life and start mingling with creatures of the opposite sex. It's going to be hard making that change, but do you really want to suffer needlessly over someone not interested in a mutually exclusive relationship with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 well..i decided to try and talk to her today and try to get some closure on thing and hopefully some answers...she was not very cooperative... i first msged her online....she said..."for your own good" and she blocked me. then i called her house...she picked up..i said "hi"...she hung up.. now....that just makes it WORSE...wow....is she just being really mean and cruel? I'm getting crazy thoughts....she wouldnt do this if nothing big hadn't happened...like maybe she slept with that guy already...and she feels bad/guilty talking to me...why else would she just HANG up...when only days before she really wanted to talk to me.... so now....i'm upset...she has basically slammed the door in my face.... im thinking maybe i shouldnt have even tried to initiate conversation...but then maybe this is for the better....i dunno....pissin me off though. Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Shes no good,move on. DON'T call her don't make any contact, before you loose some sanity. She's just playing a game that's going to hurt you in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 sanity lost.... the hanging up thing just really drives me NuTs Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 [Originally posted by OucHmyHearT sanity lost.... the hanging up thing just really drives me NuTs I hate when someone hangs up on me .It extremely pisses me off. But you shouldn't let that make who you are. So take time to cool of and FORGET her ,shes lost out on you . You don't need her. Link to post Share on other sites
CamusShotMyLastHope Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 I've been there. When my girlfriend would not talk to me, I wrote her a letter about who I am as a person. I talked about my interests, emotions, desires and flaws and reminded her of our experiences. For me, it successfully reminded my girlfriend what she was in jeopardy of losing, causing her to totally change her perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 Camus...maybe i will try a letter like that...who knows...i dont know if it will do anything but maybe make me feel better i tried one last thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 well i wrote that msg you talked about camus...in a long email....most likely not gonna make her turn around or anything...but its ok...maybe she'll actually call me and give me that last talk...if not...i cleared my head and said what i needed to say in that email...so i feel ok...hopefully i'll be cool for now..thanks guys... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts