moving on

[dkoala]

hi everyone,

 

i've been lurking on the board for a month now, and i've finally decided to put my story in.

 

about a month ago, i broke up with my girlfriend (high school sweetheart) of 4.5 years. in the beginning, we truly were head over heels for each other. when college came around, we stayed together despite being 300+ miles apart. of course, things did get difficult and we had our fights over the phone, but whenever she'd come home, all was well again. after her 2nd year, she decided to come back home and we moved in together. things were okay for the first 10 months, but pretty soon, we ended up getting comfortable in our routine. she met a guy at work and they started to hang out. by the end of our first year in the apartment, we broke up. she told me that she wanted to try new things -- to live a new life. as hurt as i was, i knew there was nothing else i could do, but deal with it.

 

she told me that she "deeply cared for me" and "still wanted [me] in [her] life." i called her now and then, but i knew that if i did keep talking to her, i'd just get obsessive and not face the true nature of the situation.

 

losing her, leaving her, and coping with the break-up was (and still is) the most difficult thing i've ever encountered emotionally. i've since seen her with "the other guy" and it really leveled me, but there are things that have gotten me through this:

 

- not rushing things. you need the time to cope. cry it all out if you need to, but don't rely on things like alcohol or medication to get you through it. that might make you feel even lower. i used music to get me through it. there are so many songs about heartbreak that you're bound to find one you can relate to.

- after you've gotten time for yourself, get back in touch with friends and family. you can't do it alone -- you need backup.

 

after a while, i got tired of thinking about her, and i feel so much better when i can see myself moving on.

 

like the beatles said: "it's getting better all the time."

 

good luck.

[2SidestoStories]

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story. One never can tell when the wisdom they have absorbed may help another, and you do give a very good point for heartbroken folks to adhere to:

 

not rushing things. you need the time to cope. cry it all out if you need to, but don't rely on things like alcohol or medication to get you through it. that might make you feel even lower

 

There is only so much escapism that a person can rely on, and altering one's physical chemistry as a method of escape is nothing if not dangerous when feeling especially low. I do, however, believe that every once in a while, allowing oneself to have some escape is definitely a positive thing. Just so long as it does not become a habit!

 

It sounds as if you have at least begun to make the breakthrough you needed in order to move on in your life. I congratulate you, and hope that you find much happiness in life, as there is truly an incredible world out there to be experienced!

 

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

WOW

This is one of the most positive thread I've seen in a while.

You did extremely good in handling your situation.

You make me proud.

Thats what I try to tell posters you have to move on ,but when they don't hear what they want they tell me "your mean""your rude"or the ever popular "your nasty"

But you are a great example of positive thinking.

Keep up the good work.

[Reckless]

dkoala mentioned 'heartbreak' songs (and there are plenty) but this is for all those coping out there... (and you don't have to be a country fan!)....

 

Lila McCann Lyrics

Song Lyrics: Where It Used To Break Lyrics

Album: Complete

 

 

Oh no, there ain't no easy way

No deed that you can do

No magic prayer that you can pray

Oh yeah, time is what it takes

To make a heart start bending

Where it used to break

 

[…]

 

It was wishful thinkin'

Thinkin' I'd be all right

With a pep talk from my sister

And a couple good cries

It only got better

When I got it through my head

Ain't no gettin' 'round a heartache

Got to roll with it instead

 

[….]

 

Little by little

One tear at a time

It felt like I was dying

But I made it out alive

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Peace to all out there 'rolling' with heartache,

 

R.

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

[dkoala]

oddly enough, my ex called me today. she was curious as to how i was doing, what i am up to, etc. after we hung up, i started to think things over and left a message with her that i wanted to keep communication to a minimum so we could have our own space and time to do our own thing. any opinions on if that was harsh or not constructive?

 

thanks

[dkoala]

hi, just wanted to add thanks for the support of the people in the forum. the reason i orginally posted was to let people know that you will hurt, but you have to keep on going. also, if you are looking for extra help or support, this is definitely the place to come. thanks again to all those great people out there that care about people hurting and in need.

[2SidestoStories]

any opinions on if that was harsh or not constructive?

 

I think your choice is absolutely reasonable. If you need the space, you need the space. If she expects to be able to be your friend, she needs to allow you time to heal from the breakup. And there is a definite possibility that the space you need is enough that you may never be able to be a friend to her. The fact is, that is FINE.

 

What may happen is that you will have your space to grow, and she will have space to grow, and somewhere down the line, you may bump into one another again, and might be able to start anew at that point. Be open to what life has to offer.

 

That last bit is not necessarily directed at you, dkoala...just seemed to want to come and live on the forum right here.

[Again]

I am in your situation, except I am only at the stage when the break just happened. Is it best to avoid communication? I have some classes with her and I will see her inevitably, crazy how that works out at a university.

 

I've read that it's best to move along and destroy pictures, letters, etc. . . is this right? She claims that she still loves me and that I am her best friend, but I don't see it. As much as I want her to be with me and for her to be in my life, I just don't think it will work.

 

What should I do? Cut off communication? Destroy all memories?

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

AGAIN,

I would just forget about it ,don't look her way,and carry on with my life .

No body is worth stopping your life.

Classes? can't you arrange it to have different hours??

[dkoala]

I agree with VASH. I was devastated by my breakup and all I wanted was to go back to how things were. My ex told me that i was her best friend and still wanted to hang out. "i still love you, but i'm not in love with you."

 

i wanted to stay in contact because i thought that if we stayed friends, she would realize we should be together. it took some time before i realized that i was making concessions for her -- it became obvious that she was moving on and i was stuck in the past. you need to start living life for yourself -- get out, meet new people, and keep busy -- just keep your mind off of her.

 

don't think of it as "cutting off communication," think of it as space to start again. it may be hard to believe it now, but you'll see it in time.

 

I also wondered if i should destroy the pictures, letters, etc of our time together. I know for me that I hurt so badly that I did not want to remember anymore. I didn't get rid of any of it though -- I just stored everything in a box out of sight. Even though the times were rough recently, it doesn't mean that you didn't have fun before. It hurts now to look at them, but one day in the future, it would be nice to look back fondly. I don't see the mementos as something to keep me from moving on. I know that I want to keep them to remind me of the good times we had.

 

as for the classes, i can see how tough that is. if you can't move to different times, try your hardest to keep a clear head and concentrate on the class instead. i just hope your classes are interesting enough for you to do that. ;-)

[julieg]

i would keep the mementos even if there is absolutely on chance of ever getting back together. one day even if it is 25 years from now it would be great to reminence with these things. i kept lots of letters etc from significant relationships of yesteryear and that neither holds me back in the past or lessens my devotion to my husband.

i did throw away items that took up lots of space though. everything basically fits in a storage carton.

[Della]

I am trying hard to learn something from a disasterous long-distance affair that lasted nearly ten years. It started in deceit (of both our spouses at the time) because we were both needy and easily lured into the promise of the kind of escape that only a new romance can ensure.

 

In those ten years we built a separate reality through a relationship that was overly romanticized. Of course, it ended in deceit; his deceit of me, which was callous because it was both intentional and, despite his attempt at feigning sadness, actually remorseless.

 

I wake up each day surprised by the pain of what it feels like to be deceived. This is incredulous; that I believed a liar! I know the pain I am experiencing now is pain I deserve to experience, for I have also been the liar. I have to trust the lesson before me is one I was meant to learn the hard way.

 

My hope is that anyone reading this will stop before they start down this path. Moving on, my life is changed, but not in the way I would have ever imagined.