usagi Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Earlier today, browsing around the internet I find this post by my ex the she wrote shortly before breaking up with me the 1st time: pollym1 10/18/09 I'm afraid i may be coming from a different stand point to many who log on .. My situation is this. I believe i'm not in love. I'm in a relationship with a brilliant guy who i yearn to fall in love with, and i lose sleep with the anxiety of not being. I'm fairly desperate because a pattern seems to be forming, as it's a similar situation i found myself in my most recent previous relationship. Only very recently has a kind of shock to the system taken place with me that i don't think my feelings will change. I am in no way getting any pleasure from this position emotionally, i'm more and more depressed and seeking help, mainly because of the repeat in my behaviour. He has expressed love for me, but, not being able to say it freely and happily back - is incredibly sad. I understand those of you who just say 'get out now', simple. But i'm afraid i don't find it simple. Being without him will still be the end of my world that i'm used to that i've been trying to embrace for the last 7 months. There have been long periods where i really relax. We get on very well, physically we have a great time. from the outside, everyone sees us having a lot of fun - i feel honestly that i can't cope with letting somebody down again after the last time. Perhaps this will get an angry reaction, - i don't take a moment before entering into something and think 'how can i hurt someone now'. in the long run, i'm hurting myself a great deal. i truly want to feel settled and able to make someone else truly happy. This is probably defunct - am just writing after a particularly bad night. Anyone get me? She didn't get any replies. Then in a bar earlier tonight I believe I saw her; I think with a new man. Only 50% sure as it's been a year (my how we change!). Thing is I find myself wondering why I still think of her? She clearly wasn't good for my well being and I knew that before finding this post. I know that I'm going to meet someone better for me who is sane and I know that the way she handled things at the end made it impossible for us to remain friends without an apology. I'm not alone in this belief, she lost HER two best friends because of the way she acted at the time; they are still friends with me but neither talk to her and I didn't bad mouth her in anyway as I was hoping for reconciliation. Do I just feel bad for not helping someone who was clearly struggling in all aspects of her life? Do I feel bad for cutting her out of my life for my own protection? Am I just over mourning and wallowing in my own self pity? Link to post Share on other sites
wmrjw82 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 From her post she sounds like she was a commitment phobe who was just beginning to realize it. Awareness if the first step in recovery. You should worry less about her and more on yourself. You were a very small chapter in her life, just as she was in yours. I dont mean to belittle your relationship in any way. She clearly she tried to love you, but just couldn't. Perhaps at that point in her life she couldn't truly love anyone. Perhaps she still can't. The point is, you'll never really know and the only thing you can control is you and your own emotions. So put full attention and awareness into that and less into the past. I know how it feels. I, myself, just got dumped by a CP and in a way I feel sad for her. But I too try to concentrate more and more on myself even though i'm in the early stages of this breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author usagi Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) Thanks '82. I think one of the things that bugs me the most is the revisionist history of events...she chased me and so her line about not taking a moment before getting into something irks. She ditched the counselling after about 5 sessions and went to LA for a month as she is an actor and dummed me the second time when she got back Also as I mentioned in a previous post I live in London and around Xmas, 8 months after I told her to leave me alone she took up jogging and the route she took? Right past my house! she also texted a couple of my close friends. I know she was upset about us not finishing being friends, especially as I am good friends with two of my substantial ex's. Was she running past the flat too allow her too move on with this new guy or just to continue messing with my head??? Edited March 4, 2011 by usagi Link to post Share on other sites
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