for those who were cheated on...

[iamenough]

how do you / did you get past the utter CRAP it does to your self esteem?

 

it's been... i don't know how many months since we broke up. i lost count.. don't even care. just lately.. i feel... really... crappy. unattractive. boring. etc. etc. i've even been comparing myself to the girl he cheated with which is f'n ridiculous, i'm nearly 10 years older and seemingly the complete opposite of her. is there even a point in comparing?..... am i seriously comparing myself to a cheaterface?!! when did i revert back to my 16 year old self? what the hell is this crap!? YOU KNOW?! *sigh... really, i dig me. i think i'm super rad, my friends love me so i must be doing something right. physically i'm not the standard "beauty", but.. nobody has asked me to put a paper bag over my head yet.*shrug* i mean, i think i've got enough going for me to be happy with myself, i certainly shouldn't be feeling like crap. so........ ugh. how do i move past this stupid stage then?

[Layzie89]

My girlfriend cheated on me. I won't lie, I too am guilty of comparing myself to the guy she cheated on me with but not once have I ever let it affect self esteem. Instead of seeing it as "What does that guy have that I don't?" I see it more as "Look what she has now compared to what she had before"...of course, the pain is there but what it comes down to is that they cheated...and they'll have to deal with that guilt for the rest of their life. Throughout the entire span of my relationship, I have never once cheated on her. Even when opportunities arose, I stayed loyal...and I take pride in that. That's something we can walk away from the relationship being proud of.

 

You dig you, you're super rad and your friends love you...you know that much is true so keep your chin up and keep telling yourself 'It's his loss, not mine!'

[dreamingoftigers]

When you find the answer, or at least the timeline, let me know.

[aiina]

Hello,

 

been there, felt that way ... and more than once! it's been really hard, and every time it's been harder, like falling down from a higher hill.

 

1) we must know that it's not about US, i's about THEM. Seriously.

 

2) if you don't feel you are enough, then maybe you are not TO YOURSELF. You have to like yourself first, so take this time to make yourself whoever you always wanted to be. Become interesting to yourself adn ALWAYS remember to keep that way, we can be a little lazy when we are in a relationship.

 

3) Time. With the time you arrive to a point where you realize how much of a big favour they made to you by making you available to everyone else except them :-)

 

hugs

[Steadfast]

This thread comes close to one I considered starting, dealing with rejection and ego. It's been close to three years since d-day for me and while I've resolved most of the issues from the cheating/leaving/divorce cycle, it's still an ongoing process.

 

I went through all the early stages, from denial and anger to acceptance. Grieving. I had a rebound relationship where I didn't give that wonderful lady a fair or kind chance (I wasn't ready) and when that ended I realized I needed to truly move on...let my ex off the hook, forgive (can't forget) and move past the bitterness by turning back 'into' who I really am.

 

My family was glad. I'd lost a lot of weight and probably didn't look very healthy. So, the answer to your question is; about two years, on average. If you put the work in. And it is work; no other way to describe it. You fake it at first, then at some point a light comes on or another dramatic event overshadows that issue. The stages are clear when you look back.

 

Two years in, I met someone and just now am starting to realize how a woman treats a man she's in love with. Naturally, this chain of events has peaked the ex's interest...she's never far from tearful emotion when we speak. She misses me. She hugged and kissed me, but not 'like that'...more like the kiss you get when leaving for work. Business like.

 

I'm fit. I work out, eat healthy and take care of myself. I'm not God's gift but women have told me I'm attractive in voice, mind and body. That does help heal the ego but where the ex is concerned, having known her for nearly 20 years and having children with her, the nag is 'why not her?' Not that I'd act on it. Amazingly, the loss of attraction swings both directions if the abandonment is long and hard enough.

 

The bottom line is, cheating is a terrible thing to do to someone you're supposed to love. When you trust your heart and inner being to someone then have it crushed, the damage is long lasting. The truth? There are some things we may never know and the trick, it seems, is accepting that. Not allowing it to interfere with getting on or getting out. In my case, I've learned when these emotions start to overwhelm, the best recourse is to focus on the needs of others. Doing this strengthens the soul, while humility seems to balance what's lacking in terms of self-esteem.

 

When you can turn a negative into a positive, you've accomplished something! Give yourself time rad girl. It's a long path, but there is an end. What's waiting there when you arrive is up to you.

Edited March 1, 2011 by Steadfast

[EmperorR]

My ex fiancé cheated on me, had a abortion behind my back and ran to a new guy she's engaged to right now I know how you feel and well I got over this, this was like 3 years ago.

 

 

All I can say it takes time time time.

[D78]

Say to yourself, "He couldn't even figure out how to be decent in a relationship, so his opinion of me does not count. She couldn't even get a single guy, so she is not better than me. I'm too good to let these people influence my life. I'm super rad. My friends love me. I am funny (that bag comment made me lol). I feel good about myself."

 

Change the wording to suit your style - "He's too f'n dumb to not cheat on me..." or whatever. Add more positive things about yourself.

 

Repeat, however many times per day you need. Say these things out loud while looking at yourself in the mirror. Write these things on post it notes and stick them everywhere.

 

It takes 30 days to create a habit. Make Operation Ego Boost your new habit.

 

I know this all sounds silly, but it works. Have you ever been around someone who constantly criticizes you? When you hear something over and over, it eventually sinks in and you start to believe it. The same rule applies to what you say to yourself.

 

Sometimes life is a beating, but you don't have to help it make you feel bad. It's your job to make yourself feel good.

[silic0ntoad]

It takes a while, and even more time as it recurs. I've had two LTR's end with being cheated on, and the first took 1 yr, the second nearly 2 respectively to heal.

 

Your ego WILL be bruised. Mine was all but destroyed. I'm back to my old cocky self, but Damn was it the dregs for a while.

 

The only advice I can give you is to try exercise and therapy. The first time I was cheated on I was rather young and recovered more quickly then now. I'm older (28 compared to 20) then the first time, so old wounds heal more slowly.

 

The ego is a funny thing. My ego was basically nonexsistent, so I tried therapy and it helped a great deal.

 

Each person is different, but the fundamentals of a cheatee are the same; you feel betrayed, crushed, scornful, angry, depressed, sad, disatisying, worthless, used, outraged, exalted, fallen and hurt all the same. It's like a bullet ride that seems endless.

 

I think that most of the time it's the sex or the emotional connection that affects us most. As a man, I focused on her sleeping with him and it drove me nuts. I know alot of women look more at the emotional side of it and the betrayal stems from that, but I can't be sure.

 

To the OP; you may be ten years older, but in my book, and ALOT of my friends books, older women are much, much hotter. So take solace in that, there are groups of men out there who prefer older women, as we do. Less bullsh*t, sexually mature, intelligent and empowered is sexy, and that comes more with age then anything else.

[angelboots]

I had my second D-DAY with the ex just now... he would be asleep so wouldn't even know that's what i am referring to him as at this second

 

I feel like crap... not just like I am worthless and useless but also that I am stupid for trusting him again.. against my better judgement...

 

Im thought i knew better... i feel like i am going to throw up with every breath i take.. Love.. pfft love can kiss my ass its yet to be kind to me.. self pity party? yup. But i do hope this too in time will pass.. here we go again.

[iamenough]

thanks everyone! It does help a little to come on here and read all these replies from random internet strangers, who actually *get it* .. so thanks for getting it.. also, thanks for all the replies, there's some good stuff in here. i'm trying damn hard to just... get.. past... it. trying equally as hard to serve myself some positivity and awesome-sauce. remind myself daily why i'm awesome.. but yanno, that really only goes so far (for now). we'll see.... feel slightly better today but i guess this is still gonna take the piss outta me for a while still. it's just so f'n frustrating to be feeling like this STILL months and months later while the cheatin' happy liars get to bask in bliss-town which came at my expense. arght.... anyway.. i am awesome, i am awesome, i am awesome.

 

whew.

 

" It takes 30 days to create a habit. Make Operation Ego Boost your new habit." <--- tryin like hell! thanks

[Rose T]

it's just so f'n frustrating to be feeling like this STILL months and months later while the cheatin' happy liars get to bask in bliss-town which came at my expense.

 

 

You know, it's easy to look at the cheater and think that they somehow "won", but I think that there are plenty of dark corners in their lives. The same thing just happened to me and I know he's been suffering, despite the superficial happiness he displays. He's now trying to shuffle between me and the OW - I've never seen him so weak.

 

I'd also just think about this. He lost you and you are unique and he will never get that back. You don't have to see a dark side to karma or be religious to also have a sense that people end up getting what they give. If you don't treat people with respect, you don't get respect. If you're always selfish, sooner or later you'll have a dry spell when no-one wants to know. And when you're finally alone, that's when you have to spend time with yourself, and find out that you're not actually a very likable person. In the end, people aren't punished for their mistakes, life's not like that. But you could say they're punished by them.

[iamenough]

You know, it's easy to look at the cheater and think that they somehow "won", but I think that there are plenty of dark corners in their lives. The same thing just happened to me and I know he's been suffering, despite the superficial happiness he displays. He's now trying to shuffle between me and the OW - I've never seen him so weak.

 

I'd also just think about this. He lost you and you are unique and he will never get that back. You don't have to see a dark side to karma or be religious to also have a sense that people end up getting what they give. If you don't treat people with respect, you don't get respect. If you're always selfish, sooner or later you'll have a dry spell when no-one wants to know. And when you're finally alone, that's when you have to spend time with yourself, and find out that you're not actually a very likable person. In the end, people aren't punished for their mistakes, life's not like that. But you could say they're punished by them.

 

I don't really see them as having "won" actually, I know he's a hollow, empty f'd up dude and she is a needy insecure slut. *shrug* neither one of them won anything there.

 

but... yeah... I hope you're right. Apparently they're "in love" (as if they have any clue what that entails) but... it's just hard still. hurtful still. he's a charmer.. i mean a REAL charmer. the type of guy that can screw you six ways with a smile on his face and some well placed words and next thing you know, you're getting screwed and smiling too! that's exactly what happened. he's not suffering from this in ANY way. i know that much. i'm pretty sure he's happy with his decision and in reality... at the end of the day, he made the right one cuz he sure as **** isn't what i want. he didn't love me, which is a hurtful realization. he was looking for something "better" or whatever it was and I had no idea (at least not at first). I've known him 13 years in total now, i was an awesome gf and he betrayed me like it was no big thing. he lied to me like it was his full time job (with overtime and paid benefits).... i lost nothing, and in his mind neither did he. meh.... am i venting? i'm venting. -- i don't even want them to "suffer" really. .............. i think what i want more than anything is some kind of acknowledgment of the truth. i want them to own it goddamnit! it's so STUPID to want that from a couple of selfish, cowardly liars, i know, but sometimes i think it would help me get the hell over it faster because he acts like it never happened and she acts like i never existed. after the initial shock and hurt i started to realize my self esteem took a major hit too! i don't know.. it just frustrating! it's not even about closure or anything and i know they're NEVER gonna say to me "you're right, we're a couple of douchebags who completely gutted you to get what we wanted" i know i'm never going to hear that or anything else. i also know i have to make my own peace with it and all that jazz and i've done ok for the most part but really, that's hard to do when you're kicked in the face by a situation over and over. (bits & finer details of the the truth came out slowly over a period of months though everything and everyone EXCEPT him) we're not in contact on purpose and still... information finds it's way to me through mutual friends or whatever else.. like for instance a couple weeks ago i found out they were actually cheating longer then i originally thought. meh... i'm venting again....

 

....................... i just hope you're right.

Edited March 2, 2011 by iamenough

[Fern]

I'm 7 months out of the same situation and although I feel FAR better than I did - it does still bother me that he's with her now and they seem blissfully happy. It doesn't kill me like it used to, but it IS still a sore spot. I don't miss him anymore but my ego is still bruised from being replaced by a girl who is almost 10 years younger than me and (I think, my friends disagree, but then they would :-D) prettier. She's not smarter or nicer or more successful. She's not BETTER in any way, just younger and prettier. And if that's what he wants out of a 'life partner' then that's HIS loss. That's a problem with him - not me. He's incredibly shallow and superficial and STUPID. I look at all the things I did for him to improve his life and I look at her and I know that she can't offer any of those things. I am better than her in every way that really counts and if he can't appreciate that then that really is his loss. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, coming to terms with this and it IS the blow to the self esteem that still stings. However, I think maybe he did me a favour in the long run. If he'd just ended it because it wasn't working I don't think I'd have been able to cut him out of my life and go NC so well. I'd still be pining for him. I truly loved him and would have done anything to make our relationship work.

 

You know what helps me with the anger? Trying to take the long view. Even if they ARE happy now (and I'll put money on it they're not as happy as I imagine), when their honeymoon is over there is nothing that will hold that relationship together. Two idiots with nothing else in their lives, trying to fill the void where their personalities should be, with infatuation. They NEED that honeymoon stage buzz because they have no idea what real love entails. They're selfish and immature. They might have a few years in them - who knows, but eventually they'll be miserable when the first flush wears off. I know he did me a favour. I'm no longer supporting a deadbeat who treats me like dirt. I'm free now to worry about ME. He made a mistake and eventually he'll see that. But by the time he realises he gave up the best chance he had at a real, supportive, loving, adult relationship - for a psychotic, attention-seeking child who will eventually dog him when she meets her next victim - I'll be over it.

 

Anyone who can do what they did is NOT a good person. They deserve each other. Their bad choices will come back to bite them on the a** eventually.

 

I thoroughly recommend the positive affirmations someone else suggested. I've been doing them and they really help. Also - start making extra effort to make yourself feel attractive. Get your hair done more regularly, buy nice underwear and clothes, make sure you're looking your best. Start loving what you see when you look in the mirror. There's nothing wrong with US. We all need to get that into our heads. There's nothing we could have done to stop them acting the way it's in their nature to act. And if he did it to you - he'll do it to her too. He's not capable of love. Not real love.

[iamenough]

I'm 7 months out of the same situation and although I feel FAR better than I did

--

Two idiots with nothing else in their lives, trying to fill the void where their personalities should be, with infatuation.

--

I thoroughly recommend the positive affirmations someone else suggested. I've been doing them and they really help.

--

And if he did it to you - he'll do it to her too. He's not capable of love. Not real love.

 

- Thanks Fern. I'm a couple months ahead of you, I do feel A LOT better these days, but yeah.. still some stuff to work through on this end.

 

- HAH.. exactly couldn't have said it better.

 

- I keep trying the affirmations/positive thinking etc. I've been a hardcore realist most of my life so trying to tap into the inner optimist can feel like complete bullsh*t sometimes. BUT I do see the value in it, it *does* help occasionally and I do keep it up.

 

- He's definitely not capable of real love, I don't think he has any idea what love is. I sometimes think he'll do it to her too, people like that don't just change overnight. It's not like he's suddenly this awesome loyal guy because he's with someone he thinks is better. His relationship with her, overlapped ours. Their entire relationship was built on deception and so somewhere in my head I know, logically, they do not have a solid union. Other times I think maybe I'm wrong and then I just get frustrated with it all ....especially the fact that I even care and it's effecting my self esteem!

 

Everything that everyone is saying here makes sense to me... I don't know what my problem is. It's all ego based I guess (comparing myself to her, caring about getting the truth, still being hurt that I was hurt etc) ... These days, I just want to get over myself and reach indifference, for REAL. Sounds simple, but man! what a mission this is turning out to be.

[D78]

- I keep trying the affirmations/positive thinking etc. I've been a hardcore realist most of my life so trying to tap into the inner optimist can feel like complete bullsh*t sometimes. BUT I do see the value in it, it *does* help occasionally and I do keep it up.

 

You don't really have to find your inner optimist. Try thinking about it like this - how would you treat your best friend if she was in your shoes? She's been your best friend forever, so you know all of her good and bad characteristics. She just got her heart stomped on by some cheating jerk.

 

Would you ever tell her she's dumb for allowing it to affect her? Would you pick on her? Maybe point out some insecurity you know she has? Criticize her? I doubt you would be so cruel to your best friend, so don't be so cruel to yourself.

 

Also, you would point out your best friend's good characteristics like crazy, in an attempt to try to get her to feel better. Why not do the same for yourself?

 

It can feel like complete bullsh*t. But, what's more bullsh*t is saying negative things to yourself. The world does that for you. I don't know when we learned to help the world knock us down, but we have to stop.

 

 

- He's definitely not capable of real love, I don't think he has any idea what love is. I sometimes think he'll do it to her too, people like that don't just change overnight. It's not like he's suddenly this awesome loyal guy because he's with someone he thinks is better. His relationship with her, overlapped ours. Their entire relationship was built on deception and so somewhere in my head I know, logically, they do not have a solid union. Other times I think maybe I'm wrong and then I just get frustrated with it all ....especially the fact that I even care and it's effecting my self esteem!

 

She also gets to live with the knowledge that, at any moment, he can become distracted by someone new and disappear. I've always wondered how people can feel secure in relationships that start like that.

 

 

Everything that everyone is saying here makes sense to me... I don't know what my problem is. It's all ego based I guess (comparing myself to her, caring about getting the truth, still being hurt that I was hurt etc) ... These days, I just want to get over myself and reach indifference, for REAL. Sounds simple, but man! what a mission this is turning out to be.

 

Everything that everyone says here is more easily said than done. My responses may sound dismissive, but I know what I'm suggesting isn't easy. I constantly have to work at it, and I fail all the time.

 

If getting to indifference was simple, much of this forum would not exist Good luck!

[iamenough]

You don't really have to find your inner optimist. Try thinking about it like this - how would you treat your best friend if she was in your shoes? She's been your best friend forever, so you know all of her good and bad characteristics. She just got her heart stomped on by some cheating jerk.

 

Would you ever tell her she's dumb for allowing it to affect her? Would you pick on her? Maybe point out some insecurity you know she has? Criticize her? I doubt you would be so cruel to your best friend, so don't be so cruel to yourself.

 

Also, you would point out your best friend's good characteristics like crazy, in an attempt to try to get her to feel better. Why not do the same for yourself?

 

It can feel like complete bullsh*t. But, what's more bullsh*t is saying negative things to yourself. The world does that for you. I don't know when we learned to help the world knock us down, but we have to stop.

 

 

 

 

She also gets to live with the knowledge that, at any moment, he can become distracted by someone new and disappear. I've always wondered how people can feel secure in relationships that start like that.

 

 

 

 

Everything that everyone says here is more easily said than done. My responses may sound dismissive, but I know what I'm suggesting isn't easy. I constantly have to work at it, and I fail all the time.

 

If getting to indifference was simple, much of this forum would not exist Good luck!

 

 

I don't find your replies dismissive, it's good. Thanks for the best friend analogy, it's a new approach, i'll try it.

 

In this case, I assume he's secure because he generally doesn't care. I assume she feels secure because she chooses to believe his lies. I called her out (via email) when I first knew of the cheating. She mentioned something like, he had told her we broke up -- I don't really buy her innocent act, there were TONS of things pointing to the fact that we were very much IN a relationship. however... he is a proficient liar, very convincing, it's actually scary how convincing he is when he's selling a lie. I guess that's how they do it.... feel secure i mean. Course you and I know, it's false security. I know they were doomed from GO, but that fact doesn't help any. At least not on my 'journey' to recover my self esteem. :\

 

I feel better since I made my original post. It's like that.. up and down. Guess that's somethin'!

[lululucy]

Up and down is definitely true. I go from not caring to being close to tears and it was two years ago that I found out. We stayed together until last November though so perhaps that delayed my healing. I hope you find peace.

[melenkurion]

I'm five months on since the revelations. My ex moved out, and is in a relationship with the guy he was cheating on me with.

 

My self-esteem is definitely enormously bruised, the worst it has ever been. If I am honest, it probably wasn't that great beforehand.

 

I can see signs of an incremental improvement, I guess. Time is helping. So is seeing a counsellor. She tells me constantly that what I am feeling is natural, understandable. The less I think about my ex, the better, as well. Just doing new things makes me feel better about myself.