No Contact: Forgotten and Remembered

[4Get4Now]

Hello dear reader... much like yourself, I am on a coping journey. I hope that this story can grant us both some salvation and saving grace. Thank you for hearing me out, and I appreciate any commentary you may have for me.

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November 5th, 2010 was a life-changing day for me. I was introduced to a good friend of a good friend who I barely even noticed. She seemed very nice and enthusiastic, but I didn't really pick up on it. I would learn in retrospect that this mutual friend thought we were a good match and was intending on setting us up in January. I ended up running into her the following day as she was getting ready for a party, and that was the moment. She was wearing this incredible dress that had my jaw on the floor... just an incredible beauty I had not seen in so long. I knew then that this girl was really special... she was far too interesting.

 

Fast-forward a week, and we're Skyping and BBMing like no tomorrow. Chatting, laughing, and sharing so much joy and happiness together as rapid-paced friends. Fast forward a week, and we're hanging out practically daily... library study dates, etc. That Saturday, November 20th, I let her know that I liked her and was starting to have feelings for her.

 

She told me that maybe she liked me a little bit too, but wasn't sure whether a relationship was a good idea for her at the time. I was okay with that, because it was the answer I wanted to hear. I walked her back to her car and everything began to change with her hugs and smile.

 

This was my first relationship, but not my first attempt at one. I had been hurt a few times before, and it dissuaded me from trying with anyone for quite a long time. What a different person I was back then... I was self-sufficient, I was complete, I was sure of myself, and I knew where and what I wanted with my life.

 

I had finally found somebody I would happy to "settle" with for dating and a relationship, and someone who seemed to feel the same way about me. Just that same week, an ex-boyfriend of hers flew into town. They had broken up almost eight months before when she finished her exchange. She had let him know it was over, but it hadn't quite sunk in for him yet. It was tough for her to put up with his upset and breakdowns because her Mom had welcomed him into their home.

 

I met the guy, who still doesn't know that we dated. I was very cordial, and I treated him with a great deal of respect and empathy. She didn't understand this at all, and my answer shocked her. "This guy was once something I am becoming to you; he was someone who cared for you, someone you cared for." Thus, all I could do was respect him... because he was at one point what I was that evening when we went to a local varsity game.

 

There were multiple times when she asked me whether I was sure I had never been in a relationship before. I had been taking notes on the relationships of my friends for a long time - a LONG time. I was barely 21 years old, but I really had a good set of ideas and perceptions about what I was doing in communication and emotional connection.

 

On November 25th, we watched a movie in typical cuddly fashion. When it was over, neither of us moved, and we began to chat. I saw a look in her eyes that intimidated me. I had never seen "kiss me" eyes before, and I wasn't sure what to do about it. I avoided it for a half hour, before I broke down and told her that I really wanted to kiss her, but had never kissed anyone before. Honest assuredly... stupid, perhaps?

 

Two hours later, it was time for a break. I had gone from no kissing to a huge fan of making out. Not only that, but I was picking up tips and tricks quickly. She never really told me anything, I just followed by example really. We were both really happy with it, and it was an incredible experience to share between us. I felt whole, complete, and very happy unlike any other feeling ever.

 

Another week rolled by, and we were doing our thing four or five times a week. Lots of library studying, coffee-shop visiting, and movie/make-out sessions at my place. It was great... our mutual friends kept telling me how cute and adorable we were, how happy I was making her, and how right we were for each other.

 

I couldn't disagree with them of course. Not only was this person incredibly beautiful, smart, and amazing in a million ways, but she was the first person to make me feel all of these powerful emotions. Having waited so long for the first person to call my girlfriend, the first person to kiss, and the first person to hold my hand like that, I was addicted.

 

I couldn't be without her... but I put up with it and slept like a baby at night knowing I would get to be with her again. We were still Skyping and BBMing like rabbits all day long, and it was fantastic. We had a lot in common... both full-time honours students at university who worked multiple jobs and volunteer opportunities. We were both popular, successful, and very busy with everything.

 

It was working... and it was working well. She was the first person under the age of 40 to call me handsome or attractive. I could tell things were great, and I was really excited with everything. We were very romantic, very safe, and very comfortable together through it all. We never really did the whole dating thing... it went from a 3 week friendship into a very strenuous relationship.

 

The level of emotional connection we had was a heck of a lot stronger than it probably should of been. This is neither of our faults... it's just the way it went. Gradually things began to change... my enthusiasm and interest never eroded, but my confidence and sureness sure did.

 

Around week three or so (probably our 20th time hanging out as more than friends), things got awkward, and I never understood why. We watched a movie as was standard practice, but she sat at the other end of the bed and did not so much as touch me. I figured that maybe she was having a hard day, so I didn't push it.

 

After the movie was over, she asked me if she was the only person who felt that was awkward. For the following week, it was a battle. As she instigated more and more distance between the two of us, I continued to subvert my own values in pursuit of "us" and our connection. I lost myself in this process, and as much as it pained me to do it, I soldiered through it hoping it would work itself out.

 

She told me that she wasn't sure of herself anymore, and said that I was "too formal" with her. That she wasn't 100% relaxed with me, and couldn't make a really strong bond with me. But it didn't matter... after she would get that off of her chest, we would be intimate and happy. My shirt disappeared, and so did hers. Things got hot, and 2nd base came really too quickly for me.

 

Though it brought us together so much more than either of us expected, it also began to push us apart. I had no confidence or comfort being decisive or aggressive when we were intimate. I would always default, because I had no idea what she was thinking or going through. If this person isn't happy with me, how would pushing the envelope help, I told myself.

 

Besides, the good times were too frequent, and I was working as hard as I could to try and fix things. I openly told her over and over how much I wanted to make things work... that I really cared for her, and she reciprocated. But it still never made any sense to me. Distant one hour, and incredible intimacy the next. Mixed signals were intoxicating to me, and I felt fantastic highs from it unlike anything else in my life.

 

I headed over to her house to meet her mother, and everything was going really well. We were branching out and laying roots in the relationship. Her mother loved me, my ex told me so. And the connection was really strong there. Really strong. But there were other times, other places where the distance was all but unbearable. We went to a Christmas party where she didn’t even touch me or give me anything at all. That was painful... it felt like I was a mercenary.

 

 

One night, we had been chatting about how we were different shades of grey. How I was black and white with relationships, and that it wasn’t compatible with her. The wording was so painful that I can’t even write it here on this page. It triggered a panic attack that she pulled me out of after an hour of care and reassurance. A bad sign overshadowed by a good sign. Fine.

 

I was about to head home for Christmas holidays, leaving her behind for 10 days. She said it was good because it would give us time to figure out if this was what we wanted. But that seemed passive to me... I knew exactly what I wanted. Besides, we fooled around for another two hours after she said that. That seemed like a pretty damn good sign to me...

 

And it was getting better. I was more comfortable being decisive and rough, more confident in expressing myself in a romantic sense. It was something we both really liked, and it made a huge difference in the level of trust and transparency between us. I continued to tell her that her safety was my first priority, and that it was not anything I would ever jeopardize.

 

I was beginning to fall for this person, and nothing else mattered. My grades were through the roof, I was fitter than I ever was, and my mood and enthusiasm was getting a lot of attention. Our synergy was incredible, and just how happy and right we were for each other was tough to accept. It wasn’t love though... a lot of lust though, that’s for sure.

 

Besides, my friends and family were still praising this. They were really happy and pleased with the fact that I was finally able to find someone who I could be with. The signs were all there, and with that, I stepped on the plane a content and melo-romantic young chap.

 

At home, she never left my mind. We didn't Skype/BBM as much, but we were both busy with family plans. And I was very busy. Her birthday was a month away, and I set to work crafting a suitable birthday present for her. I recorded two albums of arranged and performed music using a slew of instruments, some software, and a fancy microphone I rented. It was an amazing piece of work, and it embodied everything she meant to me and everything I wanted to be with her.

 

Thoughts lingered from time to time about the future between us. She was intending on sticking around the university for another year, and I was planning on graduating. That didn’t really matter at all to me though... I was too happy to let it get there or be at all painful for me as a forthcoming challenge.

 

Over the holidays, she told me she was struggling with winter blues. I comforted and complimented her the way I always did. She was a goddess, and though she could never see it, it made it really easy for me to show her how special she was and how incredible she was to me. She explained that her emotions were really shaky and that she was crying a lot. That it reminded her of her friends when they would get in breakups. I didn’t answer.

 

She said to me, “but there’s no breakup here.” Check the box, dot the I, cross the T. That was all I needed to hear. I flew back for New Year’s Eve, by which point we were at 4.5 weeks. I made it to baggage pickup, and she picked me up. Just a hug. I didn’t push it, because I figured the weather was getting to her. After all, I was used to this polarity of intimacy from her.

 

It was not everything I imagined, not the person I wanted to come back to. She had been doing well and was still really happy and bright. But it wasn’t the same. No excitement, no glimmer in her eyes. I felt my demons beginning to take over, telling me that it was probably over. I had been hearing these voices for weeks, but refused to believe them. After all, I was working so hard with adapting to physical intimacy.

 

I had flown back early to get to a New Year’s party and a mutual friend’s birthday party. Really, I wanted her to know how important and special she was to me. I had never heard of New Year’s Kisses until that same week, and it was comforting for me to know that this would be a great litmus test of whether things were going to work out.

 

The party sucked. I arrived around 9 o’clock. She had this incredible dress on her. She knew that purple was my favourite colour on her, but I figured that had played no role. For those first two hours, she basically ignored me. So it was setting in... she was distancing herself from me, and didn’t want to be with me anymore.

 

And it sucked... it was really hard for me. I had a couple friends at the party, but was stuck dealing with belligerent drunks and stupid smokers most of the time. I’m not a drinker, so parties aren’t really my speed. But it didn’t matter to me what I wanted... I had no confidence and no clarity about the relationship. The relationship was why I was there.

 

I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to do various things, or say various things. It had been that way for a long time. But I felt so justified by affection, by feelings, and by my heart’s angels singing at the top of their lungs. She was tanked, totally hammered. I was totally sober and totally unsure about what the hell was happening between us.

 

I was used to putting up with drunks, but not ones I had feelings for. Was it normal to give me this sort of distance? Often you can see people for who they really are when they drink. Maybe it was over... maybe I was alone.

 

As I sat there counting down the New Year, I had no idea where she was. Two seconds to go, she grabs me, beginning the most romantic five minutes of my life. That kiss seemed to never end... everything was perfect. I could hear people talking in the background about how perfect and cute we were together. By 12:05, I was reassured once more. All of the hills and valleys I had been through with her the past few weeks were no longer a problem.

 

It was a great feeling, and I instantly noticed a different girl. She clung to me the way she had before. She introduced me to people, and I her. She wrapped her arm around me and held me tight. It was amazing to have her back... the girl I knew and wanted to be with.

 

As we cut off one of her friends from her bottle, she began to ****-talk me. My girl didn’t notice, so I weathered it. “You’re no good for her.” “She’s letting you go easy, you idiot.” “You’re just using her, and everyone knows it.” It went on for 20 minutes. This girl has alcohol dependency issues, but it crushed me to hear it from her.

 

After blowing off the drunk, as we made small talk with a friend, she put her shoes on and dragged me out onto the balcony at the party. It was cold and quiet, but we were out there making out again for what felt like forever. I told her how much I had missed her and she told me how happy she was. This was everything I wanted... everything I deserved.

 

Around 1:30, the alcohol began to get to her. She was sleeping over at the party host’s house, and wanted me to come put her to bed and cuddle with her. Fine by me, I just wanted to see her safe. As she fell asleep without so much as a goodbye or goodnight, I prepared myself to leave. Just as I was wrapping up conversation with a good mutual friend about everything that was happening, she got up again.

 

Her second wind was again a completely different girl. I went back to her make-shift bed for that night because she wanted to talk. She told me a lot of things that I wasn’t sure how to take. She told me that “we” were intriguing, she asked me the sorts of things I had thought about over the holidays, and what I had told my friends about us. She said some hurtful things... nothing outright, but very covert and selective things that made my head spin.

 

I lay there cuddling with a half-conscious drunk. And it hurt me a lot. She had been so back and forth, I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Which girl was the one I had really come back to? It made no sense, and as she fell asleep, I left again with a goodbye.

[4Get4Now]

In near tears, I asked the party host and a mutual friend to watch out for her. To take care of her and make sure she was okay. Reassured by them, I left the party. And walked home at around 2AM. I walked in my front door around 3:30AM with eyes glazed by cold and emotion in conjunction.

 

The next morning, I woke up feeling queasy. I went for a 5K run to sweat it off, and began to BBM her to see how she was doing. She had cancelled both of our plans for New Year’s Day, and had told me so at the airport the previous day. So be it... I was okay with that. After all, it wasn’t about what I wanted in this relationship. It was all about “us” for me.

 

I told her about the belligerent drunk hurting my feelings and how tough the party was for me despite the fun that we had. She told me she wanted to come by and talk about it. “She didn’t hear any of that from me.” But that was an empty answer... where had this drunken tool heard it from? Why did my girl only deny the things about me being a bad person, and not the things about us breaking up?

 

It was too much to bear, and after consulting with a good close friend, I felt reassured that things were going to work out if I made some changes to myself. I could handle that... make myself better, make myself known, and make myself a part of the relationship once more. My girl came over that evening to talk, and it was another mountain/hill experience. I hadn’t realized that I had agreed to the sort of “talk” no person wants to have.

 

No hi, no hug, no kiss, no nothing. I held the door open for her as my heart began to scream at me. We sat down, and she asked me if I had anything to say. Of course I did... I told her about everything I had realized and learned over the break. Everything I wanted to change, everything I wanted to do with her, and everything we could talk through and work out. If we needed distance or a less intense connection, I was ready.

 

She explained that Christmas showed her that she needed some time single and alone, and that having me come back to her at the airport and seeing me again at the party so unconditionally supporting and caring and, in her words, amazing, threw her off balance, making it harder to find her answer to whether or not we could really work. She told me that despite how much she wanted things to work out between the two of us, it was not a good time for her to be doing this. I had been wonderful and respectful and never made any serious or damaging errors at all, but it couldn't continue like this, because it wasn't fair to me. This only makes sense in hindsight that I was in exactly the same circumstances, but less able to see it and accept it for what it was.

 

As she explained it, her commitments this term required her to mentally and emotionally exhaust herself to a point where being in a relationship with anybody would not be being true to herself. Her example was devastating. After a 12 hour day of class, work, and meetings, she told me that she would only be giving preference to coming over and seeing me for making me happy, and not herself. What was worse was her thinking that I wouldn't have been okay with her not coming over... but that's beside the point really.

 

It shocked me to hear these things because they were realities I was also trying to come to terms with, just with absolutely no idea how yet alone what or why. I have another devastatingly-hard term with all of my courses, commitments, and jobs. It makes sense to me in a non-anger-promoting way. She would not have been doing the relationship for the right reasons (her own), which was tough for me to both hear and to come to terms with. It's over, and there was nothing I did to instigate it, and nothing I could do to fix it. Helplessness, but in a better way than you might be expecting. She needed to focus on her... which plagued me to think about, to some degree. After I started to regain control emotionally, things got considerably easier for me.

 

She told me a lot about how breakups work, and how people typically get through them as some assistance for a very vulnerable me, which meant a lot to me and I appreciated as much as I appreciate everything you as what you, reader, are to me: a loved one, esteemed colleague, and or very close friend, provide me with. She told me things about sadness, about anger, about hatred, and about coming around to things.

 

The hatred and anger was one I was not able to really understand... ****-talking is not something I enjoy doing, even in a situation like this, where I had lost everything and done nothing wrong at all to deserve it. Nothing had even really gone all that wrong, it's just that it wasn't really right enough... in terms of time, in terms of space, in terms of circumstance. Call it what you will... there was no severe watershed that turned things hellish, there was no blunt force trauma. Thank goodness. But if I had done nothing wrong at all to deserve it, what did I deserve? What did she deserve?

 

"You deserve someone who gets as upset as you do when this happens," she explained. My definition of who and what this was changed as she continued to talk. Telling me that it showed that I cared about her that I was so upset, and that this was something I needed from the other person I was going to be in any long-term relationship with. Straight face, little external emotion, and the level of tension in the room was almost unbearable for the better part of the first two hours. That hurt, plain and simple, but it makes a lot of sense in hindsight. Of course she's right, but that didn't mean I liked it at all. To be fair to myself though, there's no rational way to enjoy a breakup that didn't have some serious flaw or problem that could not be reconciled. Even then though. I don't think either of us enjoyed this breakup. The way I view it now is that it was a magnificent break-up unquestionably, but it still hurt considerably to know that I was boring the brunt of the visible and audible pain and suffering given my lack of experience with this sort of thing.

 

As she left, I was feeling totally shattered. She gave me the “friends” card, and said that it was something she really wanted between us in time. I was pretty unsure about it back then. I was broken. For days I cried, and for nights I lay awake. That night I got maybe two hours of sleep. I was waking up in sweats, drenched in tears and fear and weakness for probably two weeks. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t reaching out, and I was completely alone.

 

The most certain and sure and beautiful thing in my life was gone. I had given up so much to be with her, and I was so happy with everything. But it was over now. And there was nothing I could do about it. And it was cruel too.

 

As much as it may suck or inconvenience life's direction, breakups are not something that people can be without rationally. Despite how short it may have seemed, things moved really fast and were really authentic and amazing, to use her terminology. At any other time and place, she explained that she too knew that there was potential for a serious long-term shin-ding. We both learned a heck of a lot, and a ton of joy and fun was had. I cannot rationally forget those things in the face of what happened last night.

 

Hypotheticals and What-if’s ate at me for days. I couldn’t trust myself anymore. I had no dignity. I was deleted spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. And for good reason.

 

That relationship brought a lot of power and significance to my life, you betcha. You'll have known that better if you’ve made it this far, dear reader. It pulled me out of a very dark place and introduced me to tens of thousands of meters of running, dozens of amazing friends and colleagues, and more things than I ever thought I would learn about myself while I was here at university. New hobbies, new perceptions, and new lifestyle options.

 

She instigated a no contact rule... well, she worded it more as a suggestion. It was foreign and weird to me that she had a whole plan for our breakup. A month without messaging her, after which we could see where things were, and perhaps start a friendship if we were ready. She placed the burden of contact standard on me. That is to say, she told me that she’d follow my lead for if and when we’d cross paths in the hallways or coffee shops.

 

I told her that I was sorry things couldn’t work out, and that I was thankful and grateful for everything. Again, this was something that she was unable to understand... another level of obstacle and partition between us that caused me blind frustration. What little I did know about breakups at the time was that I had within me the power to be as great of an ex-boyfriend as I did as a friend or a boyfriend. Though I would initially come to do it for the wrong reasons, I give myself a lot of retrospective credit.

 

I knew I was over the dream and whatever relationship there authentically was the instant I noticed something dramatic changed. Towards the winding down moments of the three hour roller-coaster, I laughed, and she inquired as to what I was laughing at. I told her that I saw a different person sitting in front of me. As much as it pained me to say it to her that night, I no longer saw a person I was crazy about.

 

Even mere concrete physical attributes had changed, and everything was, literally in a snap, different. I no longer saw her the way I once did. She wasn't who she once was anymore. Having never experienced this type of loss before, this made no sense to me at all. I began to see things, and from there I instantly knew what sort of concepts attraction and relationships were. Things I was able to dismiss and mitigate in milliseconds resurfaced from depths and caverns within my psyche. What a powerful concept... gosh.

 

That first week was all about denial. I was in severe crisis. I had never lost anyone I was beginning to love before. Just pets, but that was petty in comparison. I reached out to my friends and family... and I’ve never cried so much in my whole life. The first girl I had given my everything for was gone. Back then I thought I was weak, I felt like dying, and giving up everything. I heard the sound of a heart breaking... and it was the most intense emotion I’ve felt in my whole life. More than the first kiss, more than New Year’s Eve, more than everything we had together. It was painfully beautiful... I imagine the feeling of death is very similar.

 

I kept her on Facebook, BBM, Skype, Gmail, and in my phone. After all, surely she would come back to me and realize the mistake she made. I was able to take refuge in knowing that I would do my best to try and understand this whole no contact thing. It didn’t seem normal to me at the time.

 

Week two I started questioning my progress. I was still crying in the lonely, cold, and dark nights I had alone. I was still suffering and weathering the storm of NC. Her Facebook pictures from the party that night haunted me. Throughout everything, we had not a single wall post or picture between us. But the pictures she did have from the party haunted me, and the creeping was an unbearable addiction. Why hadn’t she come back to me yet? What would I do when I ran into her? School was a welcome distraction, but I was struggling severely as many of you will know.

 

January 14th, 2011. I came across her for the first time since the breakup. Twice. And it was empty. She saw me neither time. I felt nothing. I didn’t leap for her, I didn’t break my no contact, and I barely felt anything. But it was weird. My heart and head became divided on the issue, and began to battle in the depths of my darkest emotional dungeons.

 

My head was winning when I saw her. It’s over, it’s done... move on, you’re better than this. You will succeed. You will win. But my heart had another agenda. We must win her back, it said to me. You must be the person you never were. You must overcome this, failure is not an option. I was championing false beliefs, but it didn’t matter to me at the time.

 

I lost more weight (in the good sense), I changed my hair, my clothes, my room, my diet, my overall mood and attitude, and even my toothpaste and deodorant. I changed everything about myself. After all, if I became the person she told me she was so close to wanting to stay with, I could win her back. Obviously, I now know how cruel of her it was to say that.

 

And really... how far did I really have to go? I had been a perfect boyfriend to her. No cheating, no drunken texting, not a single lie or dishonest truth, no bull****. I was safe, I was stable, and I didn’t ever hurt her in any way. I had put so much into my own machine to maintain the relationship, so with a few tweaks, it could be an improved model and good as new.

 

One of the surprising and intriguing things to me early on was the indifference and awkwardness with mutual friend encounters. I didn’t really tell many people that we had broken up. It wwasn’t any of their business in my opinion. But everyone seem to knew. Everyone had hesitation, everyone had animosity, and everyone had a seemingly hidden agenda. It was weird for me... as if there were a game of espionage that I did not have a part in. A game that was going on. People watching, people prying, and people spying on me to see how things were going with me. It was a weird experience, and not one that was at all welcome.

 

Week three... still maintaining my no contact. So was she. I was beginning to do better... I opened up to a counsellor, maintained a really close support network with family and friends, and was feeling alright about myself again. But she was still the priority. The hypotheticals and what-if’s from that cold dark night began to drown me. Collateral damage repair was my priority, and I justified my NC through some very disturbing means.

 

Online, I spent countless hours researching how to win an ex back. Downloaded books, listened to podcasts, learned the methods and tips and tricks of the trade. Manipulation, deception, reconciliation tactics, everything you could possibly imagine. After all, a breakup is easy when you have a plan to get through it. Not a plan to get over it, a plan to get through it.

 

So I had a pretty good idea of the stuff I needed to do. And the first three weeks, I had already aced the recommendations. Didn’t break NC once, and built myself to a brand new person. I was beginning to feel more like myself again... at least, the self that was crazy about my ex.

 

Week four was a tough obstacle. The biggest milestone was her birthday. I did everything in my power to resist contacting her, which was ridiculously hard. Ridiculously. I had that album... professionally polished and arranged music. It said everything I had never been able to. I had her Christmas presents, her New Year’s presents, and even some things for her Mom that I got from home. My heart was screaming, but my head was very concerned with the state of affairs.

 

For the first time in 25 days of NC, signals began to pop up. And it was too much to be coincidence. Mutual friends were bringing her up in conversation that day. On Google Chat, her light went green for the first time all month. I had smartly turned myself invisible. Though I had prayed every day that her light would come on, it scared me to see it happen on her birthday. On Facebook, it was too convenient to see her name popping up all over the place.

 

I wondered for a moment why. We were approaching the one month mark, and I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me. I was done with the mixed signals and her little games. I had begun to accept that she wasn’t the person I loved or cared for anymore, and that these stupid little ex manipulation tactics were not a healthy pursuit for either of us. Particularly, it was tough for me to try and implement because it had just a terrible premonition in my mind’s eye. So I never did anything... I stayed within the caverns of my mind and spirit.

 

And this is what made the episonage bearable. I didn’t mind that people were watching. Lots of mutual friends made cause for a lot of awkwardness... typical ex behaviour. So, for a while, I put up a front. I hid behind the person I always was until I could say for certain that I had become that person once more for real. I never mentioned her, I never talked about how I was doing, and I made it seem as if she had never existed. After all, I was an invisible person now.

 

Invisibility was a tough thing. We went to the same university and had a lot of friends in common. Fortunately, she wasn’t lying when she said she had a busy semester. Lots of business trips and road trips for conferences. I knew when these were, and it was great peace of mind to not have to worry about encounters occurring. For that first month or so, I avoided the coffee shops, the favourite routes, the parking lots, and the old spots we had in the city as well as on campus.

[4Get4Now]

It helped me, because I was not in a rational or stable position to be healthy or happy in reality around her. But eventually this fear began to erode as my self-confidence began to slowly and carefully rebuild itself. Besides, I had far better things to do with my time. Seeing these little attempts at reaching out was a very frustrating thing for me, particularly with her birthday being that day and all.

 

I ignored all of the outstretched hands and signals that day. And I cried. I did more research online about whether to message her wishing her a happy birthday. I found a community of people much like yourselves, an outlet for things you wish you could say to your ex during NC to help keep things together. It was a good three pages of pain and suffering, but it helped me.

 

Week five. I had made it to a month, and desires to contact were ceasing. The little green lights all over the internet from her were popping up again. It was twisted and painful. Very hard for me to ignore. If she wanted to talk, why wouldn’t she just say something? I wanted so badly to get some closure from her. Had she regretted her decision? Surely she wanted me to contact her, after all. Surely there was something I could do to fix things. Surely it could be the same again! My heart is a convincing lawyer, but my head is a stern judge.

 

The heart still struggled greatly. There were a lot of worries from my heart about touchy and soft spots. Songs we used to dance to, thoughts we used to prance to, and movies we used to enjoy together were not things I could have in my life. It was too tough for me to hear and see these things... it was like running through a landmine field. Advertisements reminded me of her. People reminded me of her. Everything basically reminded me of her... it was a great challenge. But I was stronger than that, and though I didn’t know it at the time, I had to push forward.

 

I wrote another letter. I'm finished with my healing, and I don't want you back anymore. You are not the person who I want to be with, you are the person who hurt me. Rest assured you won't be hearing from me intentionally. I spoke with fire and passion, but not hatred and anger. I was coming to terms with all of the things I had overlooked and ignored that were bad. The bad signs I once ignored and pushed aside were impossible to avoid now.

 

The mixed signals, the commitment issues, the alcohol problems, the body image trouble, the lacking attachment, the mind games. My most powerful enlightenment was realizing that all of the reasons to stay with her were things I can get elsewhere. It wasn’t so much her that I wanted back... I just wanted someone like her who could be what she told me she couldn’t. Not so much lonely as alone, not so much desperate as exhausted.

 

I promised myself to never let myself hurt anymore. To stop alienating myself in pursuit of things that can hurt me. To stop crying. To start healing. And to scrap the manipulative strategies I had read about. I still had not done anything. I was a stone wall she had not so much as seen or heard from once. My Facebook remained slient, my BBM inactive, my Google invisible, and my phone call-free.

 

But things were hard. On my high days, I was doing great... I was loving and enjoying the single life’s joys and graces. I was going places, and had a very successful academic, professional, and personal life. But the low days were another story. Every single encounter was a challenge. There was a great deal of physical intimacy withdrawal that was a challenge for me. Some of my friends became prospective and perspective interests, and my dependency on them began to be shaky. Iwas smart enough to see that this was a temporary issue, but it was a struggle.

 

When you’re at risk of rebounding, it’s tough to maintain your control and your distance. So I did the best I could, and didn’t do anything stupid. I got closer with a lot of my friends, but I tried to do it in such a way that wouldn’t jeopardize the friendships in the event that something bad happened. I eventually got over that re-association problem, but those withdrawal symptoms still rise from time to time.

 

My counsellor consoled me, explaining how disturbing the behaviour and characteristics of my ex were. She told me that she was glad I was able to escape; that I was the one who got away. She reminded me about my ex’s old ex, who flew half way around the world. And it dawned on me. Holy (*%#, what must she have done to him to trigger that sort of sacrifice? She was the first person to tell me that the relationship was a bad thing, and that the breakup was possibly a good thing for me. It was a huge watershed moment that brought about a lot of change for me.

 

I had told her that this chap was much like me at one point. And it made me laugh to realize that my statement still held true. "This guy was once something I am becoming to you; he was someone who cared for you, someone you cared for." And that’s exactly what I had become. I was her fourth big relationship, and the fourth chap to get dumped in a row. She used to joke about that being bad karma, but I was never able to laugh about that. Who says that anyway?

 

I started to heal by helping others much like me. People struggling with NC. I still had lingering thoughts and feelings for her around week five/week six, but I was able to outlet them by helping others by mentoring them through their struggles. A little community hidden in the corner of the Internet where dumpees (as we’re apparently known) struggle and strive for better. My empathy was soothing for these poor souls. I began to process and understand everything in the relationship ever so surely, and I was horrified by what I saw. The rose-pedal glasses were off, and it was nasty what I saw. I can see it now the way you do as you read my pathetic yet amazing voyage.

 

I wrote another letter on the community for week six... it became a celebration more than a funeral. “I'm beginning to understand how much the relationship was a lie, and how good it was that I got out while I still could. This has made NC much simpler. I no longer linger on seeing her name, or wait on my phone hoping that a text is her. I no longer pray that she'll come to understand how badly I wanted her and how hard I was working to get there. I no longer pray that she's doing okay and that she isn't too hurt or broken from her theatrical breakup with me. I'm not fighting an urge to contact my ex; I'm fighting an urge to relapse into a state where I would do so.”

 

 

Gradually, the mistake stopped being mine. I hadn’t been the one who messed up or derailed anything beyond reason. And I stopped caring about whether she had come to that realization about her mistake. I was and still am a very long term guy. I know my strengths: I can be depended on, I’m loyal, I’m trustworthy, I can yet a lot slide, and can give slack when needed. Initially, I really wanted her to wake up and come to the realization of everything that happened. But I know that this won’t make a difference in my recovery. If and when by the time this happens, one of us or both will probably be happily married way down the line. All I can do is hope that it doesn’t affect me if it does happen. After all, there’s a chance that it will never happen. Not my problem anymore.

 

All of the arguments and premises my ex gave me were hurtful lies that focused more on her assumptions and presumptions of me than what was actually going on in her mind and in her heart, yet alone mine. That's dangerous in a relationship... she probably had those all along. Seems like every second of open communication and dialogue we had was tainted and destroyed. I have no intention of updating her or writing her anything ever again. What good would it serve? Often, I used to wish that she would contact me and reach out directly. But really, what good would anything she said or did do for me? That’s what it was about now... me. Just me. No more us.

 

 

I knew I couldn’t be friends with this person either. Sexual tension aside (even though it had never gotten that far, thank goodness), I knew I could do better and deserved better. But it was a very different deserve than the one she talked about just after New Year’s. I knew then that there was someone out there who would treat me well and give me the same level of affection, commitment, and attachment that I cannot wait to give them. Someone who didn't have her problems, issues, quirks, and irritations.

 

I saw the light, and it was beautiful. I began to embrace my own success and victory through it all. And it dawned on me once more that my healing had nothing to do with my ex. It was all about me now... the only person who you can perpetually count on. The person who will always be there for you.

 

Things in my life got better. I was preparing for two job interviews, my first road race, and school was going really well. I wasn’t ready to date or anything yet, but I had made some progress on that front. I knew how to flirt now, how to kiss girls, and how to be the man I wanted to be if I ever were to find the girl I wanted to be with. It was a radical shift of perspective.

 

My lingering thoughts and memories stopped being painful, and started being useful. I continued to replay events and parts of the relationship in my mind, over and over and over. I changed my views, my actions, and my answers. Hypotheticals became powerful tools for me, things I could use to figure out my own future... without my ex.

 

I continued supporting and counselling others on the little anonymous message board. Helping others tough it out. Helping other people is all I ever wanted to do with my life, and I took great salvation in being able to give back to a community that had helped me through so much. Probably one of the few places on the web that doesn’t try to sell you something in pursuit of a shaky and unreliable pursuit of one’s ex. One of the only outlets that tells you not to. And unquestionably one of the best.

 

Valentine’s Day rolled around to start week seven. That sort of sucked. The little flashing signals and stuff continued, though they weren’t as frequent as her birthday. It was beginning to annoy me. I still had yet to break NC, and I was doing so well. I celebrated on that day... it had been two whole weeks without Facebook/Twitter creeping. I wished I could have gotten a token like NA/AA meetings for that day. It was still a low day though, seeing so many souls on the bus with flowers, ties, and chocolates heading home to their special someone.

 

My ex had done the math wrong. I knew I was stronger, more confident, and better than she ever could have given me credit for. Whether I would have learned this without the breakup is a promising yet scary thought. It began to scare me when people mentioned the prospect of reconciling with my ex. Everything I had learned... everything I knew... everything that made me feel better was knowing that the relationship wasn’t going to be anymore.

 

Excerpt from my week seven journal: “I will never surrender... and I will do better for myself. I'm not a backup plan, darling. Not even close. If you want me back, you've got a severely uphill battle to climb to prove yourself even remotely worthy of my affection, care, trust, and loyalty once more. You dumped me for your business, remember? I don't even think it would be possible, to be honest... and I think you know that too. Hopefully your career can make you happy the way I never seemed to be able to.”

 

The signals, signs, and passive games continued. I wasn’t going to crawl back, and whether it troubled her or not was not my problem or my concern remotely. I was free, I was liberated, and my struggle was significantly easier that day. I had made it that far without breaking my NC once, and that was so powerful for me.

 

Day 46 changed everything. We ran into each other, and she saw me presumably for the first time since the breakup. Without even thinking, I said hello. She waved and we both continued walking. I heard the sound of my heart breaking again, and the yelling and anger was so loud, I felt deafened for almost an hour. The rage and passion was powerful; it told me everything I needed to know. I couldn’t even look at this person again without triggering so much emotion.

 

That certainty was empowering unquestionably. It did little to quench my thirst for physical and emotional connection with this woman, but it helped reconcile a lot of my subjective feelings assuredly. I did not reset my NC counter, because I was convinced I would have prevented the encounter if I had noticed or been given a chance earlier than morning. I stopped counting really... it didn’t matter anymore. I continued working so hard knowing that she had no idea the amazing person I had become those past few weeks. And it didn’t matter either.

 

Journal excerpt: “I used to sing Phil Collins out my window. “You coming back to me... is against the odds... it’s a chance I’ve got to take...” You know why it’s against the odds? Because I’m not even placing a bet anymore. I cashed out my chips, laid down my cards, and walked right out of the casino. My dreams have become my nightmares, and my nightmares have become my dreams.”

 

Two days ago, I made an important step. Her signals were intensifying, and I was growing so angry and frustrated with how often her name would pop up on my phone and newsfeed. So I did it. Though I haven't so much as considered clicking or creeping once in the last month, seeing her name all over the place (despite being hidden from my newsfeed) was growing to be too much for me to bear. No more little green lights, no more "likes this" all over my friend's walls, and no more wall-posts that play little games with me... I was done with it. I won’t be a game... I am the game. Delete.

 

The chats, the logs, the friendship, the contact information. All gone... done. I took a quick glance at that little quote about winter blues and not breaking up, and all I could do was laugh and click delete. I didn't have the self-respect or courage to do it when I started, and it became so much more of an obstacle and difficulty for me. After I clicked it, I had to sit and breathe for a good five minutes.

 

I asked myself, "Was that a good idea?" What if she thinks I'm sending a message? What if she notices? What if it hurts her? What if this? What if that? And then I realized everything I had convinced myself about her in person had not reflected electronically at all. Who cares? None of that matters to me. The person I once loved does not exist, and the person who is there now is not one I like. I don't want this person as a friend or a lover or a contact, so there serves no purpose that is healthy in keeping her on my friend's list. I feel liberated, I feel powerful, and I feel ready to kick some ass.

 

So what is left to do? I’ve worked hard and made so many realizations about myself, about her, and about the relationship as a whole. I’ve severed almost as many ties as I can. Come so far, but still feeling like there’s so much farther to go in order to finish healing. My next stage is to work on those things that continue to hold me back from my own continued progress. There aren’t many of these things given non-anonymous perspectives and things that I’m still continuing to work through.

 

I graduate and free myself from this environment in a few short months. I get to start my own real life free from my own issues and problems I’ve had while at university. And I’m really looking forward to that greatly. As far as I’ve come, each day is still a struggle, and lingering thoughts and memories are still posing to be a bit of an obstacle to my continued progress. But every step is a step forward; a step away from my ex; a step towards my next relationship, and ultimately, a step to completely forgetting about her for more than a few hours at a time.

 

If you take nothing else away from my journey, note this well. Hatred and anger are not the opposite of love. They will get you nowhere in active recovery. The only way to truly succeed and win here is total and unconditional apathy. The opposite of feelings (either + or -) is no feelings. You must be nothing. You must feel nothing. At all costs... that's the essence of NC and success for you... you being the only person who matters now.

 

I’ve started changing my literature for review and desensitization again recently. I read about confidence, I read about assumptions, and relationship power. I have relatable experience now in what I need, want, deserve, like, dislike, desire, and abhor. In time, I will take these away to when my healing is complete and I’m open to the dating scene again. I’m getting there... slowly.

 

I wish I could say I had worked through all of this stuff sooner, because it would have made things so much easier for me. But from the experience, I have learned so much about myself and my needs in my next relationship, that I have absolutely no regrets. It took me almost two months to have enough strength and power to write this story, but it has already helped me so much just writing it. Everything is out of my mind and onto a single page... a consolidation of millions of lingering thoughts and memories that have been a whirlwind within my psyche for so long. Thank you for listening to my journey and my voyage, brothers and sisters. I hope you have as much happiness in your NC lives as I have come to appreciate in the past few weeks.

 

Day 60 approaches, and with it I can only hope that I finish my healing.

Edited February 28, 2011 by 4Get4Now

[maddii]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey, I'm so glad you've come so far in healing, it's an inspiration, I hope that soon I'll be in the same place as you in terms of moving on...

[Lil1]

Dear 4get4now,

 

Reading your posts has provided me with good insight and perspective, you express yourself very clearly, thank you for taking the time to share your story. I’m sorry that you had to experience such a one-sided relationship, it must not have been easy going through the roller-coaster of ups and downs that your first love put you through. You remind me a little of my ex. When we first met he was less experienced in relationships than I was (I am four and a half years older than he is) and he was so gentle and honest. But he also had a certain wisdom about him – he understood human emotions and had experienced some difficult times in his life. Anyway we also fell in love almost immediately. The only difference is, he was the one who ended up leaving so he could learn to be on his own and discover himself. At first I felt very hurt and betrayed by him. I had given him my heart and soul and allowed myself to lose myself in the relationship. And I think that’s exactly where my mistake was. I lost myself. Maybe this is what was happening to your ex also. Maybe she was afraid to lose herself, although she doesn’t sound like she handled it very well. I hope she realizes someday that she lost a good friend in you. I think that for me that’s what hurts the most, that besides losing my love I also lost my best friend, and it wasn’t because there was anything wrong with the relationship. Life just happens and we have to move on. I hope you find a good woman who will treasure you for everything that you are and love you unconditionally someday. All I can tell you is that it does get easier with time. You may not forget – and in fact I don’t think you should because all relationships are meaningful in their own way – but you will love again as long as you still believe in love. Best of luck to you 4get4now!

[4Get4Now]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey, I'm so glad you've come so far in healing, it's an inspiration, I hope that soon I'll be in the same place as you in terms of moving on...

 

Love yourself for who you are and you're half way there already. Healing is never easy, particularly in circumstances like ours, but it's so necessary, so rewarding, and so important for our futures.

 

Maybe she was afraid to lose herself, although she doesn’t sound like she handled it very well. I hope she realizes someday that she lost a good friend in you... ...You may not forget – and in fact I don’t think you should because all relationships are meaningful in their own way – but you will love again as long as you still believe in love. Best of luck to you 4get4now!

 

This is exactly what my mother told me about her when things came tumbling down, and I can now accept it for what it was. Early on I realized that she was not the one who got away... I was.

 

You're right... I need to remember. These feelings will come again, and now that I have experience with them, I will know how to handle them, control them, and embrace them wholly. My next love is running to me as fast as she can... I can feel it coming within my being. It's only fair if I run too!