angelboots Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I have been noticing lately that a lot of people still pine for their exs. not just in here but in real life friendships too.. I know three men at the moment who I am close friends with are all still holding out hope their ex's come back... and they have all been separated from them for a minimum of two years. All three men were left by these girls for other men, they all complain that these girls were "selfish, spoilt, demanding.." yet they still compare every next girl they date to these woman who left and ultimately i have seen them turn down or break up with amazingly sweet attractive smart woman in hope that "their ex will come back" One of my friends has been apart from hes ex wife for nearly four years now and they only were together for three in the first place. I was wondering how people become so trapped in the "i want you back" stage, and do you ever really heal and move on to someone else or do you always "hold that flame of hope" that they will get there first loves back? And should us "still singles" just bite the bullet and accept that if we fall in love now its possibly only as someone elses "second choice" Link to post Share on other sites
Leandro Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 great question. I would like to know too. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Its interesting this observations,which in fact proves that theeory. people want what they cannot have,the ones that poses more challenge are can't really pin down are the ones that they want the most. I too notice men,maybe bc of reading most of these threads to help me with my problem,that they still are in love with women who obviously doesnt care about them. So is that how I should be,one of these women who doesnt feally care?Then I could get a guy hooked on me it seems. Just like this book " Why Men love B's" which I thought generalized men and relationship,in a way it rings true,not all of the book but the essence of it. Its sad that guys turn down a sweet and amazing gal,I was told I was one of those nice gals. It just goes to show you,\you have to have your own life and interest and be very independent. Meaning you don't have to spend every waking hour with a guy (or girl) who you are into. In the book,this girl turned down an invitation to go on a cruise from her new guy-just to attend a tupperware party! Isn't that crazy,and she still got his attention,that she has a life which doesnt always include him. Good lesson to learn Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I know I'm going to be one of those people. Its been a long time since the break up and I was crying about her like 10 minutes ago. I feel that I won't ever get over her and IF I ever get with someone else (and thats a BIG IF because I frankly only want my ex and others don't compare to her) I know I will compare them to her and ultimately dislike them for not being exactly like her. I don't know the answer though. It's just how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
gator12 Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 It just depends, in some cases I think this is true. But I think that sometimes we just think it and the eventually we get over the feeling. It depends on the love I guess, my current ex I don't want to get over, I still love her. But I have moved on despite still wanting her back which is a big distinction to make. -Gator Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I too still love my ex. There I said it!! but hes moved on. Seeing other people the whole nine. I too will start dating again when i meet smone and think wow whos thats? untell then am not gona settle. Everyone one on this site WILL get over their exs in time. Just give it time, and every day you wake up say, I feel better then I did yesterday, and pretty soon before you know it. You will be feeling better. Our next relationships are gone be AWESOME wait and see. And when that happens you come on here and tell everyone how you got past that really bad break up and moved on............ Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Pining is unhealthy. I still carried a bit of a torch for one ex-bf for a long time. I probably still do if I bother digging up those feelings. Out of sight out of mind works pretty well for me. No contact has been working really well too, especially in the case of my stbxH. Honestly, I know once I get this divorce under my belt, I can go out and start dating men again with a clean slate. I don't know if I am 100% emotionally ready to, but only way to find out is get out there and try. I am expecting a ROFLstomping or 2... maybe more. Somedays it hurts and I miss my stbxH despite the **** I dealt with and still dealing with from him... but those days are getting less and less thankfully. I know I would not be able to handle seeing him in public, even if I was out with someone. If he was with someone it would take all my self-control to not fly off the handle... counselling helps with that stuff and for that I am VERY grateful! With time that too will pass, and I will not care if I see him in public. I got my fingers crossed he leaves this city if he hasn't already. There is nothing for him here, he needs to go back home with his tail between his legs. Would my next bf and eventually next spouse be a second choice? Would they really be second best? That is assuming a whole lot... as if my stbxH was first best... haha. More like I didn't know the new bf and never would have met him had my stbxH not runnoft. As long as you learn from the mistakes that doomed the first "love" then you are only setting yourself up for something better. So a second love is less of a second "choice" and more of a second "chance". That seems like a positive thing... at least to me Link to post Share on other sites
PowerOfOne Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I think the 'wanting what you can't have' is intrinsic to human nature. But it has a limit. If it totally overrides what is actually good for you then that's called immaturity. I wouldn't claim to be the most experienced in dating or relationships and I am (only?) 27. But I can say without a lie that the girls that play hard to get games are a huge turn off. They just come across as more into themselves then anything else around them. I do not find that attractive in the slightest. Personally, that sweet amazing girl who is friendly, interested in me (doesn't have to be romantically interested) and smiles is by far the more attractive girl. By far! For a period of time it is perfectly natural to pine over an ex. Even a terrible one. The thing to understand is it is generally not them as a person. Ask anyone off the street if some random chick you never met didn't want to be with them would they care? I doubt it. They'd shrug it off. The same applys to an ex. But it's because you have all these routines and dreams invested in them that it hurts. And it's that you want back. The pain is in losing those things and of course the rejection from the person you invested those hopes and dreams in. It is not the ex. They walked away from you and don't you forget it! Link to post Share on other sites
heel_ing Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Fantastic thread. I think NC without closure can be damaging in this sense. What I mean is this: if you only have TIME and not closure in the sense of having an actual closure encounter, talk, or, most importantly, SENSE....then pining can go on for a long time. NC is the ultimate, and hallowed of all topics and processes. Ultimately, in painful situations, it is all you are left with to cope and to get your life back. But it doesn't guarantee you will get over something. I guess that has to do with YOU and YOU only. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 Thanks everyone for their replies so far, I love hearing other peoples thoughts and ideas to break down some of the different thought or observations I am making at this point in my life, The "wanting what you cant have" seems to make sense for two of these men, Ultimately I have noticed they seem more willing to chase a girl because she herself is unavailable to them, but once they have her they lose interest again and go back to "pining" for their exes. I do wonder if the fact all three were cheated on means that they have some level of ego damage involved that they think will resolve if their exes realise "they made a mistake, cheating on the man who loved them sooo much" Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts