DAY 11 NC She broke NC!!!

[is2008]

Well well, after all the pining and anxiety, she breaks NC by calling me at work. First thing I ask is if she's here to ask for a friendship or if she's here for a relationship. She replies "both". Shocked I continue the conversation which actually turns into an inquisiton.

 

She's asking a lot about me, almost bordering accusations. I don't like the tone of her questioning so I ask her again if she's here to repair the relationship she left broken, she replies "you can answer questions to start with" like i'm the one who's done something wrong!

 

She then proceeds to demand I stay at work late to talk to her on MSN (I was due to finish in about 3 minutes at this point) stating "It's your chance, if you stay, I'll be your gf again" to which my response was "haha, no <her name> if you're online when i'm home i'll consider getting back with you"... I wasn't prepared to roll over like a dog.. bad move??

 

It was becoming clear to me that she wanted to dictate how and when the relationship would be reignited.

 

So I come home, and she changes her tune, she wants to be good friends. She finally begs! But begs for a friendship, she said she cries a lot and I'm insane for not wanting a friendship. I "owe" it to her.

 

I restate my position on friendship (I don't want one) and she argues with me further. I finally find out what's going on... She wants to marry me but thinks we'll end up in divorce. I can either persist with her trying to convince her that we won't (I have before) or I can accept that she's afraid of commitment. Truthfully speaking though, her attitude really sucks, she treats me like cr*p.

 

Whatever issues she's got going on, she's being indecisive, one minute she wants me back, the next she doesn't. Back to NC now, the strict diary is no more!!

 

Don't know how I'm going to feel about today's chat until tomorrow, but I'm sure it'll set me back a bit. Don't really know if I got closure either.

[spackle]

wow- but good for you for sticking to your guns

[IfiKnewThen]

boy thats really a shame is2008. i am sure a lot of people on here will tell you (and maybe even cheer you on) to go N/C..for good. ...and tell you go N/C period.

 

 

i personally don't think you need N/C. i think you need "good" contact.

 

is seems like she is very prideful. you might be a wee wee bit too. but i really understand you. she dumped you and you're tired of being jerked around.

 

i think she has a real genuine problem with showing her affection and feeling vulnerable.

 

she probably is truly a real good person but, has NO skills in expressing herself and clouds it all up with feeling insecure and getting defensive instead of letting her guard down. she could have gotten this from her parents or been seriously hurt before or had very few relationships and doesn't know how to manage them. you being hurt too..might make you a tad bit more sensitive and defensive too. i don't blame you for wanting to stand your ground in an effort to not be mistreated by her and to make a statement too. i am sure you are just plain genuinely fed up too and not wanting to go back into this situation.

 

its seems to me that you both really care for each other. she seems to want to dominate the situation because she is afraid of losing you and then ultimately all that does is sabotage the relationship and she loses you anyway. it seems like when she feels like she is losing round and the upper hand with you...she checks out hoping you will come back, so she feels she is not losing you. believe it or not..this all amounts to insecurity.

 

 

a man needs to be trusted. a woman needs to feel safe and neither of you are getting what you need. i feel she needs extra tlc because she hasnt conquered her fears. her fears dont have to be founded. the point is they exist. i know this is deep and heavy and seems like work. it is.

 

all i can say is she would probably benefit from reading the book men are from mars and women are from venus. its really well written and ground breaking and just makes plain sense. for an example: in the book it talks about how guys need to retreat into their caves every so often. this is normal and natural. a woman gets all anxious when she sees a man withdrawing and ends up getting insure a lot of the times and misunderstands and takes it personal. she may feel like..is there something worng with me? am i losing him. and she can mistakenly take it out on him and cause an unnecessary argument ..rather then accepting his time out.

 

this is just s small example of how the sexes can misunderstand each other. it might be worth both your while (and sure can hurt..may even help) is you or she or you and her...read the book.

 

some people mess with others heads...but i think this case might be different. i really think she is just an insecure person..who does need reassurance and to understand you better and except herself as good enough.

 

so the last thing i would do (giving it another go ONLY if you both work on it and she stops her defensiveness and withdrawal and then aggression) is to read this book. how each of you listen to one another and speak to each other is key too. i am sorry to ramble on..its just that when i read this...i saw her as a person afraid to get hurt. of course this might not be the case...and thats a gamble. maybe she does just strickly want your friendship. and you want a relationship. BUTTT she didnt sound like that's all she wanted at all. she may be too poud and scared to beg you back and have you change on her. in her mind.

[dave560]

Good advice from IfiKnewThen.

 

Devil's advocate hat: Do you really want her back though? Try and remove yourself from the "her" and "us" and think it from a you perspective. She actually sounds fairly messed up.

[gator12]

Agree with dave. If you want her back you have to really look at it, she's trying to gain control of you right now because she is scared of the chance of divorce. That why she's being a control freak, the more control the less scared she is in her head. That being said, if you want to deal with her issues and really love her and think you can make a relationship work, right now the ball is kind of in the middle of the court. She is begging you to be friends but you definitly don't owe her that and I'm glad you recognize that. Talk to her about reconciling and if she doesn't want to then there's nothing to do. Her fears need to be dealt with and she has to be really committed to that before you guys can ever have a truly happy relationship. Issues on both sides need to be dealt with.

 

-Gator

[is2008]

thanks for the advice ifiknewthen and dave

 

i think everything you've said in your post pretty much sums up her behaviour and thought process. unfortunately with it being an LDR, it is extremely difficult to give her the extra TLC. we both obviously work, live in different time zones and i'm fed up of putting in 80% of the effort to keep the relationship alive, not to mention being messed around.

 

i specifically said i wasn't ready to be in a relationship with her if she was going to treat me like a doormat. i also said i wanted us to work on a friendship and then get back together. she said she didn't know what she wanted, except she wanted me in her life.

 

unfortunately, she hasn't made me happy for a long time now. i'd get into the daily routine of waking up with anxiety hoping she can last ONE day without being late (her tardiness was a major contributing factor to our break up) and what really hurt was she was only ever late for me. never for work, never for parents, never for anything else..just me. with the time zones, it meant that if she was late, we'd go the whole day without talking... if she was late 2 days in a row, the same thing, we'd get a few words in here or there. it just didn't motivate me to be extra caring towards her feelings when she clearly didn't respect mine.

 

dave - from my own perspective taking her attitude (and a really bad one at that) into account, i don't think she can change enough to make me happy, but i'm willing to be proven wrong. she was such a lovely girl when we first met up, everything i could have wished for.

 

ifiknewthen - i think i may read that book just for an insight so that my next relationship (maybe even with this girl) is more successful. til then, i'm going to concentrate on me.

[is2008]

Agree with dave. If you want her back you have to really look at it, she's trying to gain control of you right now because she is scared of the chance of divorce. That why she's being a control freak, the more control the less scared she is in her head. That being said, if you want to deal with her issues and really love her and think you can make a relationship work, right now the ball is kind of in the middle of the court. She is begging you to be friends but you definitly don't owe her that and I'm glad you recognize that. Talk to her about reconciling and if she doesn't want to then there's nothing to do. Her fears need to be dealt with and she has to be really committed to that before you guys can ever have a truly happy relationship. Issues on both sides need to be dealt with.

 

-Gator

 

Thanks Gator. I've spoke about reconciling, and she's not giving me a straight answer as such. One minute it's a friendship only, the next she's not sure whether we'll get back together (giving me hope).

 

I do love her a lot, but there comes a point where you realise you're flogging a dead horse. I've been with her for 6 years and in that time I've had to do all the running around to keep the relationship alive. I don't mind doing most, just when it goes unappreciated.

 

You're right that she needs to be really committed before we can have a happy relationship...otherwise I'll not be able to trust her I guess. But what'll be will be if you believe in destiny. Even if I go complete NC again, if we're meant to be, she'll make it happen and I'll reciprocate. Think that's the route I'm going down with this. Otherwise some other unlucky lady will get me!! LOL.

[gator12]

Agreed in every respect, my ex is back now after NC and we're in LC right now as I'm trying to see what she wants. *Sigh* we really can't do anything but trust in fate. The things that are meant to be, will be. Idk good luck to you though, everything's gonna work out fine for you. Hopefully she comes back wanting to work but if not some other lady will be right around the corner.

 

-Gator

[PowerOfOne]

Dude! I saw the thread and my internerds gave up for an hour. I was hoping beyond hope that after your post yesterday that it hadn't sent you even further back. But look at you! Stuck to your guns and let her know exactly what you want. Good on you!

 

The LDR thing makes it really tough. It's so hard to gauge how someone is really feeling unless they are right in front of you. Well, i find that anyway.

 

She really sounds so confused. The want to marry you but scared of a divorce thing is a bit of a worry. I mean I'm sure everyone thinks about that when they get engaged but the fear of that doesn't stop them. They think they've found the one.

 

I can't imagine how hard this must be, waiting for her to get her head together. The idea that she could easily go either way. I just shudderd thinking about it. Continue the way you've been going. Ifiknewthen is right. You need 'good' contact going forward. There are things that both of you need to really talk about. But stick to your guns. If you get back together make sure that she knows exactly what you're looking for in her. How you want to be treated etc.

 

All the best.

[IfiKnewThen]

that's really good advise PowerofOne

[is2008]

PowerOfOne thank you so much for your concern and everyone else that's posted or followed my story.

 

I had to stick to my guns because I don't want to be "friend zoned". We weren't long standing friends before the relationship, we'd known each other 6 months which was all spark and butterflies on both sides.

 

I did let her know exactly what I wanted and on what terms so I'm hoping if she returns, she knows what to expect. I just can't be friends with her when my feelings for her are so strong. I know Gator successfully got his ex back through NC, but within myself I'm not sure whether she treats me good enough...argh!! I'm torn, one part of me tells me she treats you very badly (which is true) and the other has this major connection with her.

 

It is upsetting waiting for an answer either way (and it really could go either way) but I have to do what's right for me, and right now that is NC. I was getting on well with it. Yesterday did set me back and I'm feeling the aftershocks today. She hasn't been online since that conversation.. she's had her dose of me, she didn't get her own way, now she's gone for a bit?

 

One thing I wasn't prepared to do was to be back with her under her terms and the way she treated me. I'm proud I've come that far.. she said I'd "changed". I'd say I'd regained my dignity.

 

Valentine's day is coming up, wondering what to do right now. NC? Talk?

 

All the best LoveShackers!

[spackle]

I'd try and let VD slide psat as any other day if you're going for NC.

 

 

It's hard because if you ignore her she may well think you're an unfeeling pig therefore feeding her insecurities...

 

...if you do choose to contact her it's likely to bring up a whole load of push/pull yes/no emotions in her.

 

Either way - you can't win (should we think about relationships in terms of winning??)

[is2008]

I'd try and let VD slide psat as any other day if you're going for NC.

 

 

It's hard because if you ignore her she may well think you're an unfeeling pig therefore feeding her insecurities...

 

...if you do choose to contact her it's likely to bring up a whole load of push/pull yes/no emotions in her.

 

Either way - you can't win (should we think about relationships in terms of winning??)

 

I know! It's a tricky one. I think I'm tempted to break NC on valentine's day. a short email to wish her happy valentine's day and that's it.

[IfiKnewThen]

i dont want to see anyone get hurt but i am a hopeless romantic.

 

but seriously is2008 if you do that just please (crazy as this sounds) dont expect anything of her...or from her. not because she doesnt have it inside her to give to you..but because this should just be something you want to do for yourself. because YOU feeling like sending a well wish on V-day.

 

if you can give that without expecting anything right now or resenting her...but do it because this is your life and this is what you want and went for it..but not letting her stifle your voice and heart...then i think its really ok to do it.

 

we dont know where she is at..but you take a chance and just do it for your own reasons. you have to be strong to do that. its not easy. but in essence, you dont let her control you by NOT contacting her. that's a difficult one for me to explain. not sure i am articulating that properly.

 

and let us all LS's try to remember.....this V-day is another day. i know its special..etc. but really, if we were away somewhere in the mountains or woods and didnt have a calender, cell phone or a memory ( LOL) its just another day and we wouldnt even know the difference. just trying to cheer everyone on...somehow.

[is2008]

IfiKnewThen... thank you. I'm really unsure right now. She's messing me around and hasn't been online all day (I'm sad enough to have checked ) and as the dumpee I'm not sure whether it's my right to send anything on V day.

 

Honestly, I don't want to send her anything. No email, no nothing. I'd prefer to maintain my dignity and pretend it's a normal day but with her not knowing what she wants, I'm not sure if she expects something from me. Like I mentioned before, she told my mum that she's happy to see me finding someone else, but when I spoke to her 2 days after my mum did, she said she didn't want to lose me out of her life *confused*!!!

 

I'm in a heightened state of anxiety and agitation ever since the conversation and I had the worst 2 nights sleep since the initial break up. It's not put me back at square one, but it's not far off that.

 

I don't want to come across as not caring about the relationship but then she broke up with me... I don't want to come across as pushy when she doesn't know what she wants either... and I've maintained NC today (no calling/texting/IMs etc) so it'd be a shame not to continue it beyond V day.

 

How are you anyway? Enjoying your weekend?

[IfiKnewThen]

hehe thats funny how you ended it. was on such a serious note there then over to how are you. heheee. i am ok thank you. i was supposed to go away today but saw a bubble on the tire of my car..so going another time after the tire is replaced. emotionally ok. still in this kinda dazed sadness. but trying to keep afloat and make myself happy again. i am doing the mcgrupp thing. don't know if you ever read his post. he talks about doing something good for yourself everyday even if it something as simple as having a good sandwich..making your happiness level go up 3%...until all the percentages start adding up. anyway you are always so kind to ask.

 

i see your dilema you want to be treated right and have some definitive answers and don't want her misunderstanding your not wishing her a happy v-day. anyway i agree with any decisions you make. you seem to have a real good head on your shoulders. and just because you cant always predict what she is feeling and what she does , doesn't mean you're not making good decisions for yourself at the time. i know its supposed to be a romantic day...but people say happy vday to each other at the office and at mcdonalds..lol. so look at it that way. my mom always sent me a vday card and i give one to my daughter and said it to all kinds of people. so your ex shouldn't make it a grand stand of meaning you're all affectionate and want her back. do what you are comfortable with. whatever her response. thats all you can do.

[is2008]

I think I'm comfortable with waiting for a phone call at work or at home if she wants to wish me. That's what I'm going to do!

 

Over to you...!! The Mcgrupp thing, I've read it the once might re-read it, but it sounds like it's working for you! I can understand the dazed sadness feeling, I get it too, but I try to distract myself by thinking about something other than the relationship. Think of some achievements, think of your mum, daughter! Both of them are a blessing! Remember your support group (i.e. friends and family).

 

Even though your car tyre has burst, you can still go out. I tend to find when I'm at home, my thoughts run away with themselves. I get stuck into a cycle of thinking about her. Fresh air and sunshine do me WONDERS!! Might be the same for you.

 

P.S. Hope you enjoyed your sandwich

[dave560]

Glad to read you have been maintaining your position

 

I know I keep saying this but it might be a good idea to make a decision on whether you want her back or not, even if she did absolutely everything you hoped for in terms of reconciliation. Otherwise you may be stuck in this phase for a long time, just waiting around.

[IfiKnewThen]

hehe it was soup and sandwich actually . you are so right, sunshine and fresh air. i like to throw myself into a movie too. go out to a movie. takes you away from thinking for a few hours. diversion is a great relief. i just stay away from romantic movies now.

[is2008]

dave! yes i'm maintaining my position not because i don't love her but because i can't be truly happy in life unless she puts her 50% in. and what you said about completely letting go... my best friend said exactly the same. he reckons i should let go of her because she's no good for me.

 

after 9 days NC, i was really feeling the benefit, and whilst i wasn't ready to let go, i was slowly seeing the benefits of not having her in my life. i will ALWAYS have a soft spot for her, i just cannot help myself and unfortunately given the right circumstances, i reckon i'd always take her back...UNLESS she finds someone else. then it really is dead (i'm her first everything).

 

ifiknewthen - i tend to stay away from romantic movies and songs. for the time being anyway! sounds like you've got an afternoon planned there... a nice walk in the sunshine and a trip to the movies!! soup and sandwich.. 3% + 3% = 6%...well done!