I'm Completely Lost

[starstudit]

My relationship of 6yrs ended once my girlfriend told me she cheated on me and was now pregnant. I cry every singe day, just when i think im ok i cry even more. Tomorrow will mark a month that i have not had any form of contact with her. She has called me and text me several times but i have ignored all of her attempts. She says she loves me and misses me and doesnt want to have the baby and really needs me. I am still very much in love with her and it kills me to not pick up the phone, or to not be by her side. I have so many up and down emotions that im just confused. Im still in a state of shock. This wasn't suppose to happen. Why did she do this to me.

[ShatteredReality]

Was the baby the deal breaker? Did you split because she cheated or because she was pregnant? Getting pregnant is a crazy stressful thing for a girl...and if she felt guilty about cheating then things are going to be really bad for her right now. As for how you feel - you have every right to cry and feel how you do. No one can tell you what you're supposed to do in this situation...all I can say is - cheating isn't always the end, but if it's the deal breaker for you then it will take time to heal and you will eventually be ok. NC is the best way to go for that and eventually you will begin to feel better...If the BABY was the deal breaker...then the situation is a little different. I don't know how old you are or how old she is, but there are options...and if she doesn't want the baby she can always give it to someone to adopt - a completely personal choice for her to make and not one you should try to influence...just saying. Is she still seeing the other guy?

 

Also - when it happened...she wasn't "doing it to you". At least...that wasn't how she was thinking at the time. Cheating is a selfish act where the people involved don't really think about who they are hurting or how...and if they do think about it, they somehow manage to rationalize it or justify it and play it down...it's not until things come out in the open that they realize the true extent of what they've done.

 

This will take time...You WILL heal....and you can always come here for support...I'm not very good at knowing what to say to make anybody feel better...but there are plenty of ppl here who are...just pick the soap box you wanna hop on and you will find supporters in every corner from "Screw her she's a B move on" to "You can work past this - it's not the end". The folks here go from one extreme to the other....that's what makes it a good place to go for a wide range of advice or listening ears.

[starstudit]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Hi shatteredreality, thank you for responding. I chose to end it for both reasons, because she cheated and because she got pregnant. This isn’t the first time that she has cheated on me, she has cheated on me with other people and each time I forgave her, but this time was just the final straw for me. We both are 31. The guy is the father of her other two children, I was told there was nothing going between them other than raising the two that they currently have.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Lotus.Flower]

Star - Obviously, I don't have any answers considering my own situation. But I just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being lied to and betrayed by the person you love is a pain that can't even be described. I will never understand how incredibly selfish some people can be. Relationships end everyday, and unfortunately people change, fall out of love, etc. But there is a way to handle situations with respect and dignity and consideration for all involved. I think when people don't do that, when they choose to cheat and be dishonest, it just makes the whole situation so much worse and the pain is compounded.

 

You said she has left you messages saying she misses you and needs you. I don't mean to come across as a b*tch, but that would seriously piss me off. She should have thought about all that before she laid down with that dude, not to mention the other people she cheated with. I understand that cheating doesn't always have to mean the end of a relationship, but she clearly has a pattern going on.

 

There is nothing wrong with crying. Six years is a lot of time to invest into someone. I commend you for staying strong and staying NC. Believe me, it only hurts more if you do the on again, off gain NC like I did. I wish you the best on your journey.

[D78]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]... This isn’t the first time that she has cheated on me, she has cheated on me with other people and each time I forgave her, but this time was just the final straw for me...[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

starstudit,

 

You're doing the right thing if she has cheated on you before. No one deserves to be treated like she treated you. Congrats on one month NC. Let yourself cry for now - it will get better.

 

Good luck.

[Lemontang]

Dude I totally feel for you. You in some ways gave me a glimpse of a possible future I could have had with an ex of mine. I was with mine for 3 years and she had a kid to another guy. I cared for them both only to have her sleep around with randoms behind my back (I lost count). I dare say if I'd been around her any longer this would have been the same scenario and would be none to surprised if I heard she'd gotten pregnant to some random.

 

If anything your doing the right thing. In time (and that time is different for us all) you'll catch up with yourself and go "Why the F#*K did I waste all that time pining over this girl?" ...and when that does hit you, it'll be a weight that's long been wanting to be taken off your shoulders, and you'll be more the stronger for it.

[smudge21]

Agree with all the responses here and have faced similar a long time ago with a girl who got pregnant after a one night stand, luckily for me we'd split up prior to that so I only found out about her cheating afterwards, which she'd been doing all the time. It took me a while to accept it though - I'd put her on a pedestal and thought she was the whole world, so to find out she's so bad really shot me down. You're probably feeling the same. Shocked that this woman you love so much could be doing this.

 

You have to stay NC and take your time to get over her. It will happen. Should you take her back you know she will only do it again and again. Just accept that you will feel terrible about all this for sometime, but eventually it will all fade.

[starstudit]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Thank you for the responses, it really helps to have other people to talk to that have experienced heartbreak as well. This NC thing is extremely hard, some days are harder than others. At times I feel retarded for all of the different emotions I go thru, meaning, sometimes I wonder why she is calling me instead of calling the one she slept with and then mornings like today I wonder well why hasn’t she called again? Today marks a week since she has called me, last Thursday she called me eleven times and sent a text and left a voicemail. It’s weird because a part of me wants her to call even though I don’t want to answer, maybe because I want to believe she truly cares about me, but then im like duh stupid if she cared then the two of you would not even be in this position. This emotionally rollercoaster of thoughts is starting to irritate me. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[ShatteredReality]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Thank you for the responses, it really helps to have other people to talk to that have experienced heartbreak as well. This NC thing is extremely hard, some days are harder than others. At times I feel retarded for all of the different emotions I go thru, meaning, sometimes I wonder why she is calling me instead of calling the one she slept with and then mornings like today I wonder well why hasn’t she called again? Today marks a week since she has called me, last Thursday she called me eleven times and sent a text and left a voicemail. It’s weird because a part of me wants her to call even though I don’t want to answer, maybe because I want to believe she truly cares about me, but then im like duh stupid if she cared then the two of you would not even be in this position. This emotionally rollercoaster of thoughts is starting to irritate me. [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

First off - you are NOT retarded for these emotions. Ok...the fact that she's done it before and now again - honestly....I don't believe I'd expect anybody to stay in that situation. Multiple different affairs are never a good sign that a person will get back on track.

 

Also - ex lovers can and typically do become new lovers again - so constant contact outside of just dealing with the children puts her at risk of hooking up with her ex again and again...would she have told you if she hadn't gotten pregnant?

 

You will get better...this will pass...you WILL find someone who will stay faithful to you...You don't go in as blind this time and a lot less innocent, but it will happen and you will be better off for it.

 

I am very sorry for what you're going through...go ahead and cry and get it out...it takes time to heal the wounds inflicted on us by those who we love the very most.

[starstudit]

Ok so 33 days and counting i have maintained NC of any form, however I have my moments of going to facebook to see whats going on like last night. She does not have facebook but i have a family member that i am not close with that she is close with so i went to her page and saw that they were hanging out last night, and i saw a pic of my ex sitting next to her daughter just smiling away, now my initial thought was why the hell are you smiling? You should be somewhere feeling guilty for what you did to me. Then my thoughts were that she was just smiling to show her daughter a good time. Although she has tried calling me and texting me a lot of times within the past month i have not responded to anything but it has been over a week since she has tried making any contact with me, why isn't she contacting me i thought? But im not going to answer so why does it even matter? Then when i pull up to my house i look around to see if i see her parked in her old spot outside, hoping to see her, yet hoping i don't see her (wth is wrong with me, i sound like a nutcase) I have these friggin constant irritating emotional battles going on in my head that's driving me nutts. There's no question about the fact that i am still very much in love with her, but dammit when does this mental crap end? I wish there was like a one a day pill i could take to get rid of all of my thoughts of her.

[Lotus.Flower]

Star - I really think you need to stop beating yourself up. It has only been one month. One month after spending 6 years of your life with someone. Of course your emotions are all over the map at this point. That's completely normal (at least it is for those of us who allow ourselves to actually feel). Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

I think that you should avoid looking at facebook to find information on her. I know I'm in the minority on this, but I hate facebook. My sister convinced me to try it, and I think I had a page for all of 24 hours. Hated it. It seemed like high school revisited (facebook fans, please don't stone me ). Anyway, checking up on her is just going to prolong the pain. That includes talking to mutual friends about her as well (I learned that one the hard way). The more you see her or hear about what's going on in her life, the harder it will be to let go.

 

As for why she's smiling, who knows? There could be several possibilities. I know my ex did some dirty, disrespectful things to me, but she was still able to smile and have a good old time with her family and friends, as if she hadn't done a thing in the world. Some people tend to compartmentalize their lives. Everything has its place and they don't let things spill from one section into another, so what happens in their relationship doesn't affect how they behave with other people. Some people just repress what they feel and slap on a smile and pretend everything is fine, because for them putting on a mask is easier than facing their true self. And sadly, some people just don't give a damn. It doesn't matter what they've done or how much they've hurt someone, they just don't see anything wrong with their behavior so they're not negatively affected by it.

 

You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why she's out there smiling. I did the same with my ex. When she was going around telling people that she's the happiest she's ever been after all the crap she did, I seriously wondered what the hell was wrong with her. Was she a monster or what. In the end, it just didn't matter. She was out there doing what she wanted to do, and I was wasting my energy trying to figure her out.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself Star. You have maintained NC for a whole month now, that's hard to do especially at the beginning, so you should be quite proud of yourself for that. It sounds to me that you're actually being quite strong, and you know what's best for you, you just want it to all be over and done with right now. I do understand, but unfortunately our hearts and minds don't work that way. If you find that one a day pill that wipes it all out, please let me know!