LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

Coping with a sudden break up


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree1Likes
  • 1 Post By spiderowl
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 31st January 2011, 10:08 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 13
Coping with a sudden break up

My girlfriend recently broke up with me. The aspect of the break that I am having the most difficulty in dealing with is the suddenness of it all. One day I was "the best boyfriend ever" and she was demanding that I "never leave", the next... we'd "lost our passion" and she needed a break to think things over. A few days later she told me it was over - that she loved me, but just as a friend.

I just can't grasp how things changed so quickly. Our relationship was by no means perfect - we had both acknowledged that there were aspects in need of improvement. But based on the way she acted in the months leading up to the break up, she was completely happy to wait out a rough patch with me. She made me feel completely secure. We had made plans to fly out and see her extended family and would often discuss how we might parent our children in the future...

My head is still spinning...
errlack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2011, 10:37 AM   #2
Established Member
 
WTRanger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,620
They didn't change quickly. She has been changing for the last few months, you just didn't see it. Trust me, when the dust starts to settle you will look back and see her starting to change.

She may have acted like she was okay with the rough patch, but she was like a duck on the water. All around the duck, things seem calm. But if you look under the water that duck's feet are moving 1,000 miles an hour. On the surface she was okay, but mentally she was checking out.

The best thing for you is to move on. Do not chase her, do not contact her, do not seek an explanation. Give yourself time to heal, then pick yourself up, and move forward.
__________________
"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."
WTRanger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2011, 10:55 AM   #3
Established Member
 
brneyedgrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 65
I agree with WTRanger. After my ex broke it off 3 weeks ago after 6 years I am now able to look back and see things for what they were. On the outside things were ok even though we had a few issues. I thought they were things we were working on and we were just in a rut however when I think about his actions, I realize he was already gone. It was nothing I did and there was nothing I could've done... it was just him wanting to quit. We were still making plans and going to events together adn he still said I love you but his actions spoke louder than words and I am now thankful it was broken off because I am able to say we were not meant to be.

Thinking back on the way he handled the b/u I am lucky to not have this man in my life anymore. Yes I loved him and yes we were amazing for 6 years but things change and people change and sometimes the crappiest thing they can do to you is actually the best thing that ever happened to you.

Pick yourself up and look forward, you can't get anywhere looking back.
brneyedgrl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2011, 6:56 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: California
Posts: 330
Quote:
Originally Posted by brneyedgrl View Post
I agree with WTRanger. After my ex broke it off 3 weeks ago after 6 years I am now able to look back and see things for what they were. On the outside things were ok even though we had a few issues. I thought they were things we were working on and we were just in a rut however when I think about his actions, I realize he was already gone. It was nothing I did and there was nothing I could've done... it was just him wanting to quit. We were still making plans and going to events together adn he still said I love you but his actions spoke louder than words and I am now thankful it was broken off because I am able to say we were not meant to be.

Thinking back on the way he handled the b/u I am lucky to not have this man in my life anymore. Yes I loved him and yes we were amazing for 6 years but things change and people change and sometimes the crappiest thing they can do to you is actually the best thing that ever happened to you.

Pick yourself up and look forward, you can't get anywhere looking back.
Wow i couldnt have said it better my self. Looking bk he left a long time ago.....
stopthemadness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2011, 7:24 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,351
i like the duck example of how things went down. i saw something was wrong deep down inside..but he (being passive aggressive) kept saying..everything is still ok...we are moving forward. well he was the only one moving forward. right out of our lives. he is now married. he swears he only knew her 4 months.

do any of you believe this?

anyway...yes...it all looked calm but his feet were paddling like that duck. then he flew away...just like that

left me stunned and quacking up. really...i am devastated and i feel for you.
IfiKnewThen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2011, 8:52 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: England
Posts: 2,445
I think it's probably true that she was becoming detached sooner than you thought. People do and they don't always admit it to themselves at first.

I've been through that telling me I was wonderful thing and then breaking up shortly afterwards. I even had the "I love you" for the first time shortly before the break up. I agonised over this for a long time after the break up and wondered what the hell happened. I came to conclusion that something like this happens:

They start to feel something about the relationship's not quite right for them and become a bit distant, detached, not so attentive.

They realise what's happening and that they are considering leaving, then they tell themselves not to be silly, this is a great guy/girl, who has achieved so much, who deserves every respect, and they can't possibly be thinking of giving you up can they? Moreover, they know it would hurt you so they put it to the back of their mind, but helpfully, they tell you all the nice things they've been thinking about you and omit to mention the thinking of giving you up bit.

Shortly afterwards, they meet someone who gives them butterflies and they realise for sure that you are not right for them. Then they deliver the bad news, completely shocking you because of what went before.

If they are lucky, the person who gave them butterflies is available to them and they immediately launch into another relationship and seem madly in love. This is even more shocking and unbelievable at the time.

It's awful and terribly painful to have this happen, but bear in mind that you really are that great guy/girl and that someone else will find you wonderful and exciting and want to stay with you; it's just a matter of time.

Last edited by spiderowl; 31st January 2011 at 8:56 PM..
spiderowl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2011, 10:04 PM   #7
Established Member
 
BlindRage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Home
Posts: 463
There is no such thing as a sudden break-up. It has taken me so long to realize that but I finally do and I'm backing up from my ex.
__________________
BlindRage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2011, 10:34 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,351
quote BlindRage There is no such thing as a sudden break-up.


OMG this is sooooooo true blindrage.

also i agree with spider owl about how it "happens". but i want to add this

with my situation he actually saved all emails from me he considered 'bad" or hurtful to him. i am sure he misunderstood a lot of them or i communicated myself poorly . the ones that were 'bad" i am sorry for if i lost my cool . either way the point is...he had feelings for me but he decided (unbeknown to me) that he didnt want to be with me anymore and he had to literally build a case to get the strength to get away.

so they prepare themselves. so they wont "get hurt" and are ready to leave you. with or without someone. someone else usually does help. he also went on the internet and got advise from a stranger on craigs list. because he felt he couldnt talk to anyone. boy does this continue to make me feel like garbage.

but when it is SHOCKING...the point is....internally they have been secretly planning. a friend of theirs might know. their parents might know. but YOU dont know. then you look back and say....hmmmmm no wonder he or she was on the internet so much. no wonder they wore the same red shorts everyday and didnt care while with you yet...........dressed to the 9's when they went to work. hmmmmmmm no wonder they yawned and said they wanted to get to SLEEP early. (lol yeah, pretty depressing)

no wonder the conversations went flat and they seemed preoccupied. no wonder they were looking to go out with their friends a lot. hmmmm no wonder they procrastinated not coming to be with you if you were LDR. hmmm? hmmm? the things that make you go hmmmm? and you ignored in your head because........................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................drum roll............

you had FAITH in them

You took their word for everything

They said I LOVE YOU. sometimes its true..you can look back and still not see it. either way its cruel to NOT know or NOT have a say in it or NOT be able to change. maybe they hinted and gave you a chance before.

whatever it is (and i am really not trying to be funny)...it hurts so much and now we grieve as if someone died. and we feel rejection to the core of our souls and mourn...and mourn.

we will somehow be delivered from this in time. i do pray on it. you need to build yourself up and surround yourself with love again and the things you love.

you need to remember you're human and make mistakes. you have to remember they are human and make mistakes too.

i hope you feel better soon and get through it fast as possible. sorry for the long post. God bless
IfiKnewThen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2011, 1:39 AM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 13
Sad news. Thanks for all the responses. It actually never occurred to me that the "rough patch" was actually symptomatic of declining interest.

Really depressing synopsis there, spiderowl. FML. She did tell me that she wanted to "prove to herself that she could be single", whatever that means. Probably there is another guy in the picture.

IfIKnew, you are so right about the faith thing. I was convinced that she was happy and I know that MY attentiveness slid as a result. I feel like I left a lot on the table.

Ahhhh... so many regrets. I don't like the idea of a life without her. Anyone reading this thread, if you think your relationship is worth it, put your all into it. Nothing lasts forever.
errlack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2011, 3:30 AM   #10
Established Member
 
BlindRage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Home
Posts: 463
Quote:
Originally Posted by errlack View Post
Sad news. Thanks for all the responses. It actually never occurred to me that the "rough patch" was actually symptomatic of declining interest.

Really depressing synopsis there, spiderowl. FML. She did tell me that she wanted to "prove to herself that she could be single", whatever that means. Probably there is another guy in the picture.

IfIKnew, you are so right about the faith thing. I was convinced that she was happy and I know that MY attentiveness slid as a result. I feel like I left a lot on the table.

Ahhhh... so many regrets. I don't like the idea of a life without her. Anyone reading this thread, if you think your relationship is worth it, put your all into it. Nothing lasts forever.

You know whats sadder? When you start moving on. I'm starting to move on and in a way I feel guilty about it.

Last edited by BlindRage; 1st February 2011 at 3:34 AM..
BlindRage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2011, 4:46 AM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderowl View Post
I think it's probably true that she was becoming detached sooner than you thought. People do and they don't always admit it to themselves at first.

I've been through that telling me I was wonderful thing and then breaking up shortly afterwards. I even had the "I love you" for the first time shortly before the break up. I agonised over this for a long time after the break up and wondered what the hell happened. I came to conclusion that something like this happens:

They start to feel something about the relationship's not quite right for them and become a bit distant, detached, not so attentive.

They realise what's happening and that they are considering leaving, then they tell themselves not to be silly, this is a great guy/girl, who has achieved so much, who deserves every respect, and they can't possibly be thinking of giving you up can they? Moreover, they know it would hurt you so they put it to the back of their mind, but helpfully, they tell you all the nice things they've been thinking about you and omit to mention the thinking of giving you up bit.

Shortly afterwards, they meet someone who gives them butterflies and they realise for sure that you are not right for them. Then they deliver the bad news, completely shocking you because of what went before.

If they are lucky, the person who gave them butterflies is available to them and they immediately launch into another relationship and seem madly in love. This is even more shocking and unbelievable at the time.

It's awful and terribly painful to have this happen, but bear in mind that you really are that great guy/girl and that someone else will find you wonderful and exciting and want to stay with you; it's just a matter of time.

You have described EXACTLY what is happened to me. I am so broken and devastated. I am trying so hard not to fall apart.
WindyWaves is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
bf of 9 months wants a sudden break? sskim01 Breaks and Breaking Up 2 5th January 2010 4:15 AM
Why do I want to break NC all of a sudden? t0ri Coping 5 12th July 2009 8:31 AM
Sudden Break Up rachiex Breaks and Breaking Up 2 7th July 2008 3:03 AM
Sudden break up... dawkirst Breaks and Breaking Up 4 5th September 2007 1:21 PM
coping with a sudden break-up gmoise Coping 4 4th January 2007 3:52 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:14 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.