Freaky coincidences but still feeling awful

[LK30]

Hi all.

 

Yet again I am on here feeling a bit rough as it was a year ago (this week) my ex and I split and although I dated a girl since, that didn't work out either. I still miss my ex from a year ago, and I just can't seem to get over her. I know it sounds negative but I think I just won't ever totally to come to terms with it. (Unless I meet someone else, but that's not a good reason).

 

I often work at home in the evenings as after we split I just found work a way to take my mind off things. My boss always wonders why I don't seem to have much to do - and the answer is I do all my paperwork in the evenings! How sad! The funny thing is it's made me enjoy work and I'm strangely like a different person in work as I feel relaxed and happy as I enjoy helping people, but outside of work I do still really miss her.

 

I did stupidly break NC just before Xmas and e-mail her as the girl I was recently seeing said she keeps in contact with her exes. I thought 'right, i'll try that and see if it works!' She did reply, but just to say 'what do you want?' I never replied to that as it clearly wasn't a very warm question!!

 

At the weekend I was thinking about the ex and realised some of my exes are connected bizarrely...

 

*One was a girl from work, who lived next door to a family where my ex (who I'm missing) used to babysit for the kids.

*Good friends of mine moved into the same road as one of my 'brief' exes.

*A girl at work set me up with her friend once who lived in the road parallel to a girl I had dated the year before

*The girl I dated recently works in the same road as the ex (who I'm missing) lives

*A girl I met online - turns out she works for my sister's company

*I believe the ex I'm missing lives just round the corner from another girl I dated

 

It sounds like I've had 100 gf's, but really most of them were short term romances. But I thought how spooky that was.

 

Can't believe I'm even asking this, but it's Valentine's Day in 3 weeks. Should I send her a card???!!

 

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I'm not sure why I'm having this setback, but I really had one at the weekend and just feeling low :-(

Edited January 25, 2011 by LK30

[Nkognito]

Ask yourself this, do you want to feel lower?

 

Sending her a card, text, strip-o-gram or anything is going to make you feel worse. For instance when you send something to her, you're going to picture the expression on her face. Part of you will make her happy to see and then off to day dream world you go about a perfect relationship with her. But part of you will see your gift next to another mans in which she disregards yours like a dirty kitchen towel. You will plumet in feelings and feel lower than ever.

 

Do nothing my friend, I am. But know you're not alone, I still have my ups and downs.

[fiat500]

LK30,

 

ask yourself a few questions:

 

why are you not over that ex?

 

did she dump you?

 

Were there clear reasons why you both split?

 

also keep in mind that you're placing this ex on a pedestal. she answered your email rudely. why would you want to send a valentines day card? it would kind of be creepy to be honest.

[LK30]

Nkognito - good point there, thanks for your reply. The card is pointless and I'm not sure why I thought I should do it. I think she's single, but girls always seem to get attention no matter who they are. I can guarantee I won't be getting any cards from anyone!!

 

Fiat500 - thanks also for your reply. To answer your questions...

 

Why are you not over her? I really don't know, that's the prob! Perhaps coz I'm single and perhaps coz I just miss her. She wasn't that amazing but I think the fact she had self harmed in the past scared me off.

 

Did she dump you? Nope, I dumped her, so strange I'm the one suffering and she's undoubtedly moved on. My own fault I guess, but I just seem to push every girl away I meet, and my family didn't like her and didn't think she was right for me, so I took their opinion to heart too much in the end.

 

Were there clear reasons why you split? She wanted commitment at 24, and I don't think I was ready. I probably was a bit harsh and she was too submissive and I need someone more assertive.

[fiat500]

thanks for clearing that up, LK30 . it sounds like you did some growing up and regret the WAY you ended things with this ex. have you apologized since? i give you a lot of credit for emailing her though. now that you've explained how it ended she probably answered you the way she did because she had been hurt by you. it sucks when you love someone and they walk away. but people make mistakes and learn from them. since you said you weren't ready for commitment at the time, of course the actions of a woman who wants exactly that are going to seem unappealing.

 

do you think some kind of reconciliation email to her would give you piece of mind or open up the lines of communication again? you don't have anything to lose really.

[LK30]

Cheers Fiat500. Yes you're probably right, but I know I've blown it, so the fact she was a bit short with me when she e-mailed me means perhaps I should take the hint. It's nice to hear from someone who doesn't say 'go no contact!' It's a bit overrated that thing! It's tempting to message her if she had said 'hey, i'm fine thanks' or something along those lines. She certaintly hasn't e-mailed to ask why I never responsed, but surely she must be wondering what I wanted.

 

It was all a year ago this week, but I'm not sure I'm forgiven by the looks of it. I think you're dead right - she answered like that as she was hurt, and perhaps still is.

 

I reckon rocket science is easier to get your head round than all this stuff

[radiodarcy]

Cheers Fiat500. Yes you're probably right, but I know I've blown it, so the fact she was a bit short with me when she e-mailed me means perhaps I should take the hint. It's nice to hear from someone who doesn't say 'go no contact!' It's a bit overrated that thing! It's tempting to message her if she had said 'hey, i'm fine thanks' or something along those lines. She certaintly hasn't e-mailed to ask why I never responsed, but surely she must be wondering what I wanted.

 

It was all a year ago this week, but I'm not sure I'm forgiven by the looks of it. I think you're dead right - she answered like that as she was hurt, and perhaps still is.

 

I reckon rocket science is easier to get your head round than all this stuff

 

well i think "no contact" is usually recommended for people who have been dumped. since it's best to to stop banging your head against the wall by maintaining contact with a person who has stated that they don't want to be with you anymore. as the dumper you probably have a little more wiggle room.

 

i agree with fiat - - your ex was no doubt pissy about you contacting her after you had dumped her --i probably would have been too

 

i dont know what you said in the email but if it was along the lines of a generic "merry christmas/how are you" it may have come across as a fishing expedition or a pointless nicety. but if you try a reconciliation email as fiat suggested, that might thaw things out a little and make her more inclined to respond positively - - or at least with a little less bite.

[LK30]

Thanks radiodarcy, I appreciate your reply.

 

Interesting that you agree too with e-mailing her. I know she's stubborn, but as I said before I hoped she might get over it. I literally said 'hey, how's things, hope you're ok. How's life? and she replied 'What do you want?' That was it!

 

You say about NC as a good strategy for dumpee, so I guess she's probably been told to go NC. I suppose the fact she at least replied is better than nothing. But just got a fear that if I message her again she will say something like 'I'm fine, now leave me alone.'

 

It's like I'm talking myself out of it. I can't blame her for saying what do you want as it was a bit out of the blue. I doubt she's still got feeling for me after a year - girls apparently are much more resilient in these situations and move on easier!

[fiat500]

Cheers Fiat500. Yes you're probably right, but I know I've blown it, so the fact she was a bit short with me when she e-mailed me means perhaps I should take the hint. It's nice to hear from someone who doesn't say 'go no contact!' It's a bit overrated that thing! It's tempting to message her if she had said 'hey, i'm fine thanks' or something along those lines. She certaintly hasn't e-mailed to ask why I never responsed, but surely she must be wondering what I wanted.

 

It was all a year ago this week, but I'm not sure I'm forgiven by the looks of it. I think you're dead right - she answered like that as she was hurt, and perhaps still is.

 

I reckon rocket science is easier to get your head round than all this stuff

 

i understand where all of this is coming from because a guy that i really loved just walked away from me two months ago and i'm deeply hurt. i also feel disrespected since he did it over facebook messenger but that's another story. we weren't on the same page and i let a lot of things that he did slide because he's in college. i also drove up to his campus all of the time. he could have seen this as me being "too submissive" but i've learned my lesson and won't make the same mistake ever again. i'm accepting the fact that he will never look back and never feel regret but it's cathartic to see that some people do look back and do feel that they could have ended things better. so thank you for posting your story.

 

i agree with radiodarcy. no contact is for the people who were dumped. it prevents them from looking pathetic to the dumper and salvages the remains of their self respect and dignity.

 

and yeah. i'm 100% sure that she is wondering what you wanted by emailing her out of the blue.

[fiat500]

But just got a fear that if I message her again she will say something like 'I'm fine, now leave me alone.'

 

and if she said that, you would know for sure that she's not over you.

 

i have no idea what this girl is like but if she responded to you with something that sounds bitter, chances are she is still affected by how you left her and is just trying to protect herself. you deal with something that you once loved and who hurt you in return by turning those feelings of love and regret into hate or numbness.

 

when i got my belongings back from my ex and was in his driveway shivering in the cold and trying to compose myself to drive back home, he had followed me outside and offered a not so heartfelt apology. the fact that he was outside without his coat didn't make sense to me. he dealt so much damage to me already. standing outside to offer comfort that didn't mean much to him at the time felt like nothing but a cruel tease to me. i would never have him again because he didn't want me. so patting me on the back to calm me down was the opposite of what he was doing. so i told him to go inside and when he told me he still wanted to be friends, to me, it was just an empty promise of pain to make himself feel less guilty. i told him to f##k off because it hurt. also, when you say you're sorry so soon in a breakup it doesn't really mean anything to the person being dumped. i probably offended him by telling him to "f##king go inside" but you know what, i loved him and him being around and not wanting me injured me far worse.

 

it seems like a while went by after you broke up with her. the worst she could do is continue what she's been doing since. stay out of your life.

[radiodarcy]

Thanks radiodarcy, I appreciate your reply.

 

Interesting that you agree too with e-mailing her. I know she's stubborn, but as I said before I hoped she might get over it. I literally said 'hey, how's things, hope you're ok. How's life? and she replied 'What do you want?' That was it!

 

You say about NC as a good strategy for dumpee, so I guess she's probably been told to go NC. I suppose the fact she at least replied is better than nothing. But just got a fear that if I message her again she will say something like 'I'm fine, now leave me alone.'

 

It's like I'm talking myself out of it. I can't blame her for saying what do you want as it was a bit out of the blue. I doubt she's still got feeling for me after a year - girls apparently are much more resilient in these situations and move on easier!

 

your welcome. as someone who was "dumped" two months ago i too am going through the roller coaster of emotions; where i miss him so much it hurts one minute to hating him the next. i say "dumped" because we never really dated. it started out that way then wound up being more of a friends with benefits situation that i was never happy with because i wanted more. i stayed in that situation for 2 years; allowed myself to be strung along. he was my first love and i just couldn't bring myself to walk - - even though i knew i needed to. all the while he continued to spend time with other girls. i don't know that for sure, but i wouldn't be surprised. when he did start to become more transparent about his going on with other girls

i got fed up and snapped. so did he. he told me he was fed up with the whole situation and that i needed to move on. a few weeks later we talked - - or so i thought - - things out and he said deep down he still considered me a friend and that we're past all the fighting,etc. but when he ignored my attempts to contact him a week later i decided it would be best for me to go NC.

 

he has contacted me since just to say "merry x-mas, happy new year, etc" i did respond. because as angry as i was (and still am from time to time) with the way he treated me, i think it must be hard to be the dumper; i can honestly say i've never dumped anyone (but that's probably more because of my limited relationship history). but it can't be an easy decision to cut someone you cared for out of your life; knowing that it's going to hurt them badly. at the same time, you can't allow yourself to stay in a relationship you're not happy with either. so - - that's why i'm with fiat on the reconciliation email. your ex may not want to ease your conscience by responding to it. but reading it may give her the closure she needs as well - - whether she decides to respond or not.

 

i have to say i would love to get a reconciliation e-mail from my "ex"; it would make me feel as though the "break up" wasn't entirely my fault and would make this whole NC thing feel less like a prison sentence and more like a choice. admittedly, i still frequently check my e-mail acct hoping to see such a letter. but i'm pretty sure i won't be getting that email

Edited January 27, 2011 by radiodarcy

[LK30]

Hey fiat500 and radiodarcy

 

It's really nice to chat to some girls about the situation and get a female perspective on all this.

 

I'd probably be tempted to e-mail the ex to try to get her back, but a big part of me feels I'd be doing it to get rid of the heartbreak I've felt for the past year - obviously reconciling would be some serious medicine!

 

It sounds like you've both had a difficult time too, but don't give up your search for that someone special. Have you seen the film serendipity? Ok, it's fictional, but has a good point that we really let the universe influence us and what happens to us.

 

That's the great thing about loveshack -we can all share experiences and although we empathise for people going through a hard time it does give us some comfort too that we're one of millions of people every day going through this together. Hang in there - you both give good advice, so listen to what advice your heart gives to you

[fiat500]

i too wish my ex would someday try to reconcile with me, but it won't happen. i wish for another chance, but i'll never get it.

 

 

LK30, do what you want and feel is right to you as well. radiodarcy and i would both love to be in your ex's shoes right now.

 

i've never watched serendipity but i'll add it to my queue

[radiodarcy]

Hey fiat500 and radiodarcy

 

It's really nice to chat to some girls about the situation and get a female perspective on all this.

 

I'd probably be tempted to e-mail the ex to try to get her back, but a big part of me feels I'd be doing it to get rid of the heartbreak I've felt for the past year - obviously reconciling would be some serious medicine!

 

It sounds like you've both had a difficult time too, but don't give up your search for that someone special. Have you seen the film serendipity? Ok, it's fictional, but has a good point that we really let the universe influence us and what happens to us.

 

That's the great thing about loveshack -we can all share experiences and although we empathise for people going through a hard time it does give us some comfort too that we're one of millions of people every day going through this together. Hang in there - you both give good advice, so listen to what advice your heart gives to you

 

thanks LK30 for your kind words. i rarely ever give advice on these threads because at 35 i'm new to the whole relationship thing (late bloomer, i know ) but since this was something i could relate to i figured i'd give it a shot. glad if it can help in any way. and it always helps to know what's going on in the mind of the dumper. remember -- whatever you decide to do - - it's your decision and you'll have to live with the consequences. hopefully whatever you decide will be the best decision for you. thanks for the movie recommendation - -i've been looking for something to fill my recently emptied netflix queue

 

fiat, you made an interesting point when you said anger and bitterness are a sign that we *aren't* over someone. strong feelings like anger and even hate are just the same side of the coin as love and happiness. makes sense -- since they're both such intense emotions. i can honestly say i don't hate him anymore but there is still a lot of anger there. lately it's been bordering on indifference. but even when i do have those moments of indifference i know that i am no where near ready to speak to him again and act like everything is ok and that i'm past it all. it could take months - -possibly even years before i get to that point! i'm just taking it one day at a time - -as i'm sure you are as well.

 

again -- many thanks to you both and best of luck to you in your healing!