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What the hell does this mean?


hitbyatruck

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My ex has been contacting me with increasing frequency for the past few weeks - basically since the time she moved in with OM permanently as a domestic couple - and with our son for most of the week. Of course the contact is only ever "officially" related to our child as that is the unwritten rule, but part of me suspects something is slowly gnawing at her conscience like a rat chewing through an anchor rope.

 

However, I am more frequently ignoring the texts/calls - we just don't need to discuss our child's life daily. As a result, today after an ignored non-essential text and a call that evidently wasn't important enough to leave a voice message, I get a text hours later about our child (again non-essential), but twice referring to me ignoring her. After 10+ years together and child, she has an affair with my old friend, leaves for him, comes back after a few months, reconciliation fails because she's still infatuated, she goes back to him and still I have to put up with this crap.

 

WHY DOES SHE CARE IF I IGNORE HER?

WHY TELL ME?

WHY LET ME KNOW?

SHE DIDN'T WANT ME!

SHE REJECTED HER DEEPEST LOVE - THE FATHER OF HER CHILD!

LET ME F**KING HEAL WOMAN!!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

 

She can't understand and gets annoyed when I refuse to tell her what is happening in my life: what I do; where I go; who I see; whether I've bumped into whoever; which friends I've seen; gone here or there. In truth my life is not all that exciting - but she desperately wants to know. After so long together, I guess the smallest difference - ignoring her more often - is noticable, as are positive consistent actions (I'm starting to adhere to the 180 as much as practicable).

 

Ignorance is bliss. If only I could be ignored back.

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My ex has been contacting me with increasing frequency for the past few weeks - basically since the time she moved in with OM permanently as a domestic couple - and with our son for most of the week. Of course the contact is only ever "officially" related to our child as that is the unwritten rule, but part of me suspects something is slowly gnawing at her conscience like a rat chewing through an anchor rope.

 

However, I am more frequently ignoring the texts/calls - we just don't need to discuss our child's life daily. As a result, today after an ignored non-essential text and a call that evidently wasn't important enough to leave a voice message, I get a text hours later about our child (again non-essential), but twice referring to me ignoring her. After 10+ years together and child, she has an affair with my old friend, leaves for him, comes back after a few months, reconciliation fails because she's still infatuated, she goes back to him and still I have to put up with this crap.

 

WHY DOES SHE CARE IF I IGNORE HER?

WHY TELL ME?

WHY LET ME KNOW?

SHE DIDN'T WANT ME!

SHE REJECTED HER DEEPEST LOVE - THE FATHER OF HER CHILD!

LET ME F**KING HEAL WOMAN!!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

 

She can't understand and gets annoyed when I refuse to tell her what is happening in my life: what I do; where I go; who I see; whether I've bumped into whoever; which friends I've seen; gone here or there. In truth my life is not all that exciting - but she desperately wants to know. After so long together, I guess the smallest difference - ignoring her more often - is noticable, as are positive consistent actions (I'm starting to adhere to the 180 as much as practicable).

 

Ignorance is bliss. If only I could be ignored back.

 

Read He's Scared, She's Scared - this sounds like classic commitmentphobe behaviour. She runs away from commitment with you by having an affair with him but now that she's commited to him she's completely conflicted about what she feels for you.

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I heard about this book only yesterday - I'll get hold of a copy.

I would have thought 10 years together and a beautiful boy was commitment enough (to my beliefs anyway - above and beyond a ceremony, religious vow and ring) Then again we are all different animals, aren't we?

 

I am truly scared of the emotional internal conflict I would have to deal with should she ever back-track.

 

I've been thinking about pride a lot lately. Such a complex emotion: neither good nor bad - but important nonetheless.

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I think she knows what she did was low, so she doesn't want to actually feel like she's left you. Thus, she's acting like you are the bestest friend in the world. It could also be a combination guilt/backburner situation going on. Since the excitement of seeing the other guy is going down now that she's not still seeing you, she may want to keep you as sort of a plan B.

 

You have every right under the sun to ignore her small talk and only answer the stuff about your child. She made the choice to remove you from her life, she lost the privilege of knowing about your daily happenings. You've got a good head on your shoulders. You know that if she comes back, there's a good chance she'll do it again.

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When I collected my son today for my days with him, his hair smelt of his mother's distinctive perfume. It was quite late in the day and smelt far too strong to have just rubbed off on him from her applying it earlier in the day - and at any rate, if it had rubbed off recently, why would she be putting perfume on just before travelling to our meeting place to drop him off to me? This happened once before a few months ago - same circumstances but it had clearly and recently been sprayed on his clothes that time it was that strong.

 

This had me distraught months ago and resulted in me directly questioning her about how happy she was with her life decisions which upset her and set me back, but I take it in my stride now.

 

If it was indeed intentional, I'm not going to even attempt to decipher what it could mean - I'll leave that up to others here to try. I have misread her signals before & jumped to conclusions but I now don't know whether this is really nothing - accidental, or a game, a sign, smoke-signal, cry for help or what?

 

Actions speak louder than words. I'll just sit back, observe and assume nothing.

 

And if she ever stumbles across this forum (she may have already) then this post will definitely identify me if what I've described is true. :eek:

Edited by hitbyatruck
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You ask "what does it mean?" Here's my question, and please don't hear this in a sarcastic or mean way, but, do you care? The reason I ask is that it sounds to me as if, with these little manipulations, she is trying to reassure herself that she still personally has some effect, some control within your life. This may be completely unrelated to any desire to get back with you - she may just want and need to get a sense of satisfaction to affecting/controlling you in some way. A kind of a weird way of maintaining a connection with you, that gets her some kind of satisfaction, by being sure that she can still move you, manipulate you, affect you.

 

Now that's why - when you ask "what does this mean?" - I ask in response: do you really care? I know that if you are committed to staying in your child's life, you will need to continue to deal with her as a parent, but if you are set on moving past the ended relationship, your goal, your target, is to DISCOONECT from the spousal/partner part of the relationship, and the real sign of that will be that at some point, you just won't care any more what these behaviors mean.

 

It sounds like you are starting to put up some boundaries, like declining contact that doesn't relate to your child - in other words, maintaining the parent part of your interaction, while declining to continue participation in the spousal/partner part which has ended.

 

I'm a big advocate for kids of separation, and I hope that you will work to forge some kind of productive parental working relationship with her, for the benefit of your child. I hope it never comes to the point of feeling like you have to ignore her when you guys do need to deal with kid stuff, but that will also depend on her not using that as leverage. Understanding the difference between your parent characters and your spouse/partner characters will help you classify and clarify your interactions with her, and I think it is good and appropriate for you to continue drawing, declaring, and enforcing that boundary between those areas. We are no longer partners; there is no reason to discuss that stuff. We are still parents; when we have something to discuss about our child, we will talk as parents, and only as parents.

 

Frankly, if she does have a need to keep a personal connection and she gets something out of manipulating or controlling you, it probably makes her a little crazy that you are starting to recognize and enforce those boundaries, but that probably makes it even more important for you to do that now, to get her "trained" that you won't jump through hoops for her in the spouse/partner context...

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@trimmer. Thanks for your thoughtful response.

 

First up, whether she ever again has feelings for me or not, I do care. The reason being that once I had got past the desperation of trying to hang on post breakup #1 & #2, I honestly said to her that I hope she finds what she's looking for. What I meant by that was that I thought she was looking for another person to provide her happiness when only she can truly do this. I also told OM (he was until that point a very close friend) that he was being used for this very purpose.

 

In hindsight, both my ex and I overly focussed on our new child at the expense of each other's emotional needs. To this day, as from day one of his life, his needs have been fulfilled thoroughly, both as individual parents and where we need to work together as parents. So I care about her emotional state for a number of reasons: I need the mother of my child to be happy & stable emotionally; I still love her on a number of levels - that is the unconditional and forgiving part of what defines love; and I am concerned that she made a major life decision that she may regret, or backtrack from because she didn't have the foresight to see what the consequences of her actions would have on her deeper emotions once things had settled down.

 

From the school of Edward de Bono, I do have a few thinking hats that I wear and can separate them so that is not so much a concern of mine.

 

On the control issue, we both tried to control each other on and off over the years - needless to say when she had the affair I found myself trying to control things. I've now reached the point where I know what I should and can control. Maybe she's not there yet.

 

In some respects I think I know my ex better than she knows herself, and OM well enough to know that she will be calling the shots in this new relationship. I have told her I'd like to be able to wish her well but given the circumstances, I can't. I truly want to respect her again but until she looks deeply within, that's not going to happen. It doesn't help that part of the reason she is living with him is that she can't afford a place on her own. (rent is astronomical in our city currently).

 

So my priorities are:

 

Our son's wellbeing.

My happiness.

Edited by hitbyatruck
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First up, whether she ever again has feelings for me or not, I do care. The reason being that once I had got past the desperation of trying to hang on post breakup #1 & #2, I honestly said to her that I hope she finds what she's looking for. What I meant by that was that I thought she was looking for another person to provide her happiness when only she can truly do this.

Yes, an astute point. I believe you have to be "whole" as a person (usually, I think, the ability to spend time alone, out of a relationship, is one indicator of this...) before you can be in a truly healthy, beneficial relationship. Looking for a partner to "complete you" (ick, Jerry Maguire) or fill a void, or "make you happy" is eventually destined for some kind of problem...

 

In hindsight, both my ex and I overly focussed on our new child at the expense of each other's emotional needs. To this day, as from day one of his life, his needs have been fulfilled thoroughly, both as individual parents and where we need to work together as parents.

Wow, now you're telling my story.

 

So I care about her emotional state for a number of reasons: I need the mother of my child to be happy & stable emotionally;

This really resonates with me, and I applaud you for it. You're one of the few people (other than myself) who I have heard state this outright.

 

I still love her on a number of levels - that is the unconditional and forgiving part of what defines love; and I am concerned that she made a major life decision that she may regret...

Well, I admire you for that, if you can feel that way yet still keep yourself safe and protected and eventually heal from the loss. In my case, I was so hurt that I really had to disconnect from my relationship with her - and my love for her - in order to recover. Happily - and sadly - I was able to do that, and still maintain a good parental relationship.

 

Hey, you sound like you have your head screwed on pretty well. And, I think that your son's wellbeing and your own are not at all mutually exclusive, but are quite compatible in parallel, so you have all my good wishes. Best of luck.

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