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So you're thinking "I think I'll call my ex just ONE more time..."


0hpenelope

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Do not. For the love of all things good and healing to you, do not call. It is a bad idea.

 

I know a lot of you have made many "one last" phone calls. You have feelings that you want to get off your chest, you want to tell him/her your apologies, your regrets about how you treated him/her, your regrets about your behavior during the break-up and after the break-up... So perhaps, if you call them just one more time, he/she will be so affected by your voice and the sincerity in your tone that him/her coming back to you will be likelier. On the spot! Right away! Or if not immediately, then maybe a few days... yeah, yeah! A few days later because he/she will process everything you said and after reflection, he/she will say "Yeah, the dumpee has a point. I made a mistake. Let's try again."

 

Stop. That stuff makes a good script for movies and TV shows, but not for your healing. Why do you want to endure the pain of being rejected again and again? Your dumper already slapped you down with the ultimate rejection: "I don't want to be with you anymore." The break-up cannot be any clearer than that.

 

I'm a staunch advocate of NC and even from time to time, I struggle with it. In the early days of my break-up, I kept waiting for a phone call or a text message or even a "butt dial." None ever came. I realized that there's no point in waiting for something that will never come because my ex? He doesn't want me around. That's why he broke up with me. His explanations don't matter, but his actions do. His actions show me that he doesn't want to be with me.

 

So I keep moving and mind you, this all happens in just a few days. I do not know exact days because I resolved that I will not keep track of my progress as "x amount of days since I last spoke/dreamt/kissed/saw him." When I think of him and I feel the urge to count, I deflect those thoughts and occupy my brain with other matters. I go about with my business and then I feel that urge to call because I do miss him. But then, I start thinking to myself: "He will not answer the phone. I really want to play with fire to see if he will? Where will I be in my healing if he doesn't pick up the phone?"

 

Fight those thoughts back proactively. If not so much for self-respect yet (you'll get there - other LS users will whip you into shape), then fight those thoughts of calling your ex just for the simple reason of the pain that comes with being disappointed again. Why would you want that kind of pain?

 

Last e-mails? Last letters? I know some of you have taken these steps and some report a catharsis of sorts after sending them. Good examples of one size not fitting all. For the most part, if you know that it's because you're really, really hoping to get a reaction from the ex? Don't do it.

 

A good friend of mine asked me last night if he has tried to get in touch with me and I laughed. "Uh... why exactly would he call me?" A pinch of pain and it was gone. I've accepted it and everyday, that acceptance becomes stronger. I have my road bumps, I'm slowly forgiving myself for the wrongs I did to my ex in the relationship, and I will not talk to him because I want to move on. I'm a work in progress, but I'm getting there.

 

Just reminding all of you, even you, lurkers! Do not call your ex. Your "one last" phone call is a bad idea and it will be for a long time until you are over your ex. I'll close with a quote from my favorite break-up movie, Swingers:

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Stick with NC. All more, no less. :mad::mad::mad:

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Thanks penelope! Really needed that today... got sucked back into contact this week (initiated by my ex) and it has been hell.

 

For those of you who have been contacted and are in deep temptation to write / call back... don't make my mistakes! I've been on here, reading LS for a couple of months... despite everything, when it happens to you, you think, well, my situation's different... maybe he's reaching out because he's changed... has something important to say to me... really misses me and that's a prelude to something better... WRONG! He / she just wants to see if you're still in love to massage their ego. He / she still wants to make sure the back-up plan is in place. Don't be that back-up plan! Ignore, even to the point of seeming ridiculous... I would have saved myself a whole world of pain this week with this advice. As it was, I got dragged into a wishy-washy, hurtful conversation, full of contradictions, pure selfishness, confusion and arrogance... It puts you right back to square one. If I could relive Monday, I would have stuck to NC and got through these days in a much better state. As it is, I'm back to day 1 of NC. Bad Rose. :(

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This is spot on penelope... and sadly i´m living exactly whast you are saying as last saturday i decided to play with fire and texted my ex after 3 months of NC (she dumped me) ..... well she texted me back and is keeping me in this limbo that "if maybe things flow" we´ll see eachother..... "we cannot force it.."...

 

I´m finding myself desperate everytime i don´t get a text back, and feeling like a fool for chasing someone that "maybe" wants to be with me.... hurts like hell....

 

Wish i read this before i made the decision of writing to her and re-live all the pain...

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This is a great thread penelope.

 

New people should really read this and other thread from long time members so they don't make the same mistakes we did.

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Its all true. Even tough my ex never left our nc breaks unanswered i felt like she did, built false hopes and felt like crap. One thing i know is that life will make them confront their actions one day,but we'll be long gone!

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Thanks penelope! Really needed that today... got sucked back into contact this week (initiated by my ex) and it has been hell.

 

For those of you who have been contacted and are in deep temptation to write / call back... don't make my mistakes! I've been on here, reading LS for a couple of months... despite everything, when it happens to you, you think, well, my situation's different... maybe he's reaching out because he's changed... has something important to say to me... really misses me and that's a prelude to something better... WRONG! He / she just wants to see if you're still in love to massage their ego. He / she still wants to make sure the back-up plan is in place. Don't be that back-up plan! Ignore, even to the point of seeming ridiculous... I would have saved myself a whole world of pain this week with this advice. As it was, I got dragged into a wishy-washy, hurtful conversation, full of contradictions, pure selfishness, confusion and arrogance... It puts you right back to square one. If I could relive Monday, I would have stuck to NC and got through these days in a much better state. As it is, I'm back to day 1 of NC. Bad Rose. :(

 

What? Oh no, he did NOT. :sick: Where is this thread and why have I not seen it?!

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This is spot on penelope... and sadly i´m living exactly whast you are saying as last saturday i decided to play with fire and texted my ex after 3 months of NC (she dumped me) ..... well she texted me back and is keeping me in this limbo that "if maybe things flow" we´ll see eachother..... "we cannot force it.."...

 

I´m finding myself desperate everytime i don´t get a text back, and feeling like a fool for chasing someone that "maybe" wants to be with me.... hurts like hell....

 

Wish i read this before i made the decision of writing to her and re-live all the pain...

 

:( I dislike that you are a perfect example of the pain I don't want to feel. I've no idea what your ex meant about "things flowing:" it applies to many things, like water in the toilet after you flush it or even better, life in general.

 

I do not want to feel that desperation. I do not want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know. I'm seeing that some posters are picking up on this mantra and I'm telling you, own it too. You don't want to know what your ex is doing - this knowledge does not empower you.

 

Stick to NC while you're still hurting. It is the authority figure that means well but all children love to hate. No Foolin's guide says until you're completely over your ex, you cannot handle anything that has to do with your ex. It's true.

 

No phone calls.

No e-mails.

No Contact.

The sooner you get back on the bandwagon, the better. At the very least but no less important, NC will get you to stop caring so much about your ex. You know, the one who doesn't care about you in the way you want her to? I don't mean to be unkind, but really... your ex's explanations do not matter. What matters is she's still gone.

 

Please feel better soon. I wrote this thread as a reminder to myself, too. Detaching from someone we care about so much is so difficult, but not impossible.

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My mom always say if he's not calling you then he doesn't want to you so why call someone who doesn't want to talk to you. You just like fool. Mother knows best :)

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This is a great thread penelope.

 

New people should really read this and other thread from long time members so they don't make the same mistakes we did.

 

Thanks for the compliment, Leandro. We do need reminders from time to time. People should make mistakes if it means the lessons learned will stick, but if they keep making the same ones in hopes that something will change, then that's just pointless.

 

Its all true. Even tough my ex never left our nc breaks unanswered i felt like she did, built false hopes and felt like crap. One thing i know is that life will make them confront their actions one day,but we'll be long gone!

 

:lmao: alimpo, I love that attitude! I have to point out that "false hope" observation: it's my personal opinion that there's no such thing as false hope. There's just hope. Hope to win the lottery, hope that I won't get sick, hope that your car can make it to the nearest gas station when the needle hits E, hope that my friend will have a better attitude towards people who care about him/her, etc.

 

What makes hope "bad" is that the desperate dumpees act according to what they want the outcome to be: a second chance with the ex. No, that's wrong. It's okay to harbor hope that the ex will come back (I have hope), but life mustn't stop for that possibility. I'm talking to other guys, I'm living my life and moving forward, I want to be in a new relationship, and I still hope that my ex will come back. But the thing is, I'm moving on. Whether or not that hope's fulfilled, I will be okay. Second chances happen all the time, but the successful second chances took time apart. A lot of time. If I end up with someone else, I know I'll be happy. If I end up with him, I know I'll be happy. If I have no one else after this, I know I'll be happy. I will never stop hoping for that happiness.

 

Also? Being in contact will only drive the dumper further away. Again, they told us what they want: space and time away from us. Whether that's permanent or temporary, who knows? Move on. Just move on.

 

At 91 days of NC, I would say your analysis is spot on.

 

:( J0N, I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes it takes years still for exes to get in touch and yes, some do. Some do and you're not exempt from this. That's something that I'm sure you don't want to hear, but all the same, it's so much better to focus on the present and that's what you've been doing: our exes do not want us, so why should we get in touch?

 

It's just smarter and better to not get in touch with exes when we still have feelings for them. I'm so happy for you that you've progressed that much in your healing process already and you can push through another 90 days! I've my ups and downs, but I'm moving on. I'm so grateful I'm moving on.

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:( I dislike that you are a perfect example of the pain I don't want to feel. I've no idea what your ex meant about "things flowing:" it applies to many things, like water in the toilet after you flush it or even better, life in general.

 

I do not want to feel that desperation. I do not want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know. I'm seeing that some posters are picking up on this mantra and I'm telling you, own it too. You don't want to know what your ex is doing - this knowledge does not empower you.

 

Stick to NC while you're still hurting. It is the authority figure that means well but all children love to hate. No Foolin's guide says until you're completely over your ex, you cannot handle anything that has to do with your ex. It's true.

 

No phone calls.

No e-mails.

No Contact.

 

The sooner you get back on the bandwagon, the better. At the very least but no less important, NC will get you to stop caring so much about your ex. You know, the one who doesn't care about you in the way you want her to? I don't mean to be unkind, but really... your ex's explanations do not matter. What matters is she's still gone.

 

Please feel better soon. I wrote this thread as a reminder to myself, too. Detaching from someone we care about so much is so difficult, but not impossible.

 

Thanks SO much for your words dear penelope... Yes, I don´t wish this kind of suffering to anyone, it´s almost unbearable that I´m waiting for a text or a call "if she feels like it" while she problably doesn´t even remember that i wrote... too much anxiety... too much suffering. the saddest par is that i kept strong for 3 months in NC i even spent new years eve totally alone at home and survived... then ... last saturday out of the blue with no solid reason i just messed up and sent the text...

 

To anyone reading this please do as the original post says and DO NOT contact your ex if they dumped you, seriously don´t do it... it will be more pain and no reconciliation... reliving the nigthmare like i´m doing it´s not fun to say the least.

 

penelope: as for the "let´s see what happens"... "lets go with the flow"... i too find it unnapropiate, selfish and almost cruel .... i much rather have her say to me: please do not contact me instead of all that "lets see what happens" thing... and worst of it all is that this girl does not deserve an inch of the love i have to her as she was such a terrible , disrespecful girlfriend.....

 

Thanks for your words... i tought about sending her a quick mesagge saying that the "flow" thing it´s not good enough for me, but i think i´ll just go back straight to NC and stay there for good.... i guess that at least i didn´t see her in person as that would have made this mess 10 times worse

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At 91 days of NC, I would say your analysis is spot on.

 

JON, stay strong man.... as you can see i messed up , and now i´m in this limbo... do not make my mistake bro

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Great thread Penny!! Required reading for all new members to the broken hearts club.

 

Not that new members will follow it - they'll be like me and say, "MY ex is different, she loved me and if I show her how much I love her, she'll realize what she's missing and come back!". BS!! You break NC, and whether she comes back or not you'll get burned by rejection! Rejection from her ignoring you, not wanting to come back, or rejection from her coming back too soon and dropping you again a week later!

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Great thread Penny!! Not that new members will follow it - they'll be like me and say, "MY ex is different, she loved me and if I show her how much I love her, she'll realize what she's missing and come back!". BS!! You break NC, and whether she comes back or not you'll get burned by rejection! Rejection from her ignoring you, not wanting to come back, or rejection from her coming back too soon and dropping you again a week later!

 

Oh sooooo true. That was me too! I would pour my heart out in these long-winded emails, professing my love and send cute-sie text messages thinking that he was different than the rest, what did my friends know anyways? And maybe this last thing would change his mind! At the very least I would be able to say that I gave it everything! Low and behold, now I'm kicking myself for repeatedly breaking NC way back in the day!

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For real, everyone. Just hold the damn phone/sending that e-mail or text/click on the Facebook link/whatever. Stop. Just stop it. Don't hurt yourself by looking for something that isn't there. Your ex is still gone.

 

You want to get in touch with them later on? Fine. Light contact later? Your call. Being friends with an ex is possible, but it's not an immediate process; not when everything's new, not when your feelings are still raw, not when you feel like throwing yourself at their feet to beg for another chance. It's humiliating. Ego boost for them at your expense.

 

Stick to NC until you're okay; until you can handle whatever it is that your ex may throw at you. If you think "I'll never be able to feel that way," that's okay too. This is all about you to feel better. This pain is worth it. 100% healing is your goal so anything from your ex, whether it's your own memories of your ex or an actual interaction with them, will not shake you anymore. You can do this.

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Thanks for your words... i tought about sending her a quick mesagge saying that the "flow" thing it´s not good enough for me, but i think i´ll just go back straight to NC and stay there for good.... i guess that at least i didn´t see her in person as that would have made this mess 10 times worse

 

It's really not worth it. I get it, a lot of us get it, we want them to hear us out but we won't be heard. When people want to leave, trying to convince them to stay or come back will make them want to bolt in the opposite direction even more. That's just the way we work.

 

Good call on the message, brother: she will not appreciate what you have to say. Trust that. NC NC NC. It will get easier.

 

Great thread Penny!! Required reading for all new members to the broken hearts club.

 

Not that new members will follow it - they'll be like me and say, "MY ex is different, she loved me and if I show her how much I love her, she'll realize what she's missing and come back!". BS!! You break NC, and whether she comes back or not you'll get burned by rejection! Rejection from her ignoring you, not wanting to come back, or rejection from her coming back too soon and dropping you again a week later!

 

It's okay if they don't follow it. As Rose T and ccfan showed, there are members who need a reminder. This thread served its main purpose and it'll be here for the rest who want it.

 

CaliGuy loves to say this: give your ex the gift of missing you. So, basically... how the heck are you (as in, the desperate dumpees) going to be missed if you aren't gone? Then another issue people like to bring up is "How are you sure that my ex misses me?" I'm not sure about that at all. But being gone? The probability of being missed eventually increases. So do it. Disappear. Make your peace with your last words and do not contact them.

 

Oh sooooo true. That was me too! I would pour my heart out in these long-winded emails, professing my love and send cute-sie text messages thinking that he was different than the rest, what did my friends know anyways? And maybe this last thing would change his mind! At the very least I would be able to say that I gave it everything! Low and behold, now I'm kicking myself for repeatedly breaking NC way back in the day!

 

Yeah... that's exactly what I mean. It sucks that you can provide an example because it's something you actually did, but this is another great example of why a desperate dumpee should not break NC. I'm pretty sure your ex ran in the opposite direction, which is the exact opposite of what you wanted at the time. :( How are you now, Kansas?

 

My mom always say if he's not calling you then he doesn't want to you so why call someone who doesn't want to talk to you. You just like fool. Mother knows best :)

 

Exactly. Ex's not calling. It means ex doesn't want to talk to you. Why call someone who doesn't want to talk to you? It's embarrassing and painful and makes your healing process longer.

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Oh sooooo true. That was me too! I would pour my heart out in these long-winded emails, professing my love and send cute-sie text messages thinking that he was different than the rest, what did my friends know anyways? And maybe this last thing would change his mind! At the very least I would be able to say that I gave it everything! Low and behold, now I'm kicking myself for repeatedly breaking NC way back in the day!

 

Same here Kansas! i did all that and in my case it was/is totally humiliating for me after sending a long deep email her way that i spent hours writing to it´s perfection, only to have to ask her: ... so... baby, what did you think a bout the letter.... she woulnd´t even bring it up...!! and then she´d say... oh i´m sorry i didn´t mention it, it was beautiful blah blah..... it hurts so much when she didn´t even had the common courtesy of saying thanks on her on......

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Yes, we have all to move on.

 

Even if your ex is like mine, and always answered my NC breaks on the spot just to say she wanted to be friends, even if she broke NC being the dumper, don't believe ANY of it. They're crazy most of the time, much more than we are LOL. They just think they have control of all, let them be. Let them bump their head on the road further on, and then remember how good they were with you, how good you treated them.

 

But by that time I'll be in Rome with my new girl. BYE, ex. I must think like this, and you too!

:laugh:

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What? Oh no, he did NOT. :sick: Where is this thread and why have I not seen it?!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261270/

 

This is the new thread from Monday. He sent me a super-apologetic email from abroad (working away for three weeks) asking for a second chance. Seemed contrite, so I emailed him back thanking him but saying that we couldn't go back.

 

Then he tracked me down on IM on Wednesday (my fault, should have been blocked) and it turns into this kind of conversation:

 

Him: I really miss you and know I screwed up, I'm lonely (he's overseas with work)

Me: Oh right, so what happened with your affair? (co-worker he cheated on me with)

Him: Um, I'm still seeing her

Me: ...so you're contacting ME to say you're lonely? call her!!

Him: But I miss YOU

Me: (stabbing myself repeatedly in the stomach) How stupid was I to reply to your email? I thought you were being sincere, now I see you were just lonely and bored

Him: No, I really wish I was still with you...

Me: Listen, I'm going, I can see I'm well out of this one. Please don't contact me again

 

 

Yes, a complete headf**k. Am now inserting knitting needles in my eyes. And yes, he is competely blocked / cancelled everywhere now. Learned my lesson. :(

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I'm gonna have to see my ex after pretty much no contact at all for about 3 months now. I have to get my stuff back, and because it's such a huge distance it's pretty much impossible to just show up, load up and go..

It's been going so well lately, had a really awesome date last week, and I hope it's not gonna ruin everything. I do have to do this though, as I need these things to properly move on.

Let's hope I come back smiling :-)

Wish me luck...

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Thanks for the post. I was crying this morn cause my ex sent me a tgext cause he is getting spam email from me weekly. It has been since august since we spoke. I kinda think that was his way of contacting me. Anyway he said he keeps getting spam email from me. I told him I'm not sending him anything and to just ignore them. He said ok and that was it.

 

That little bit of conv made me want to start emailing him just to see how he is doing and all that. I started checking my email more often too and now I'm on LS looking for comfort. All that is proff that my heart is still connect and NC is my best option here.

 

So thank you for all the post. It was a reminder of the dark days I had escaped that I don't want to go back to. Let him stick his nose out there for a change but he won't. I just need to keep going on healing and working on acceptance. Its A must!

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Good Post 0hpenelope.. all of it...

 

Thanks, Art. I did it for myself, too. Needed all of that tough love on me out in the open and thought that LS could use the reminder, too. CaliGuy needs to come back soon for another guide. Perhaps you can write one instead? :lmao:

 

Yes, we have all to move on.

 

Even if your ex is like mine, and always answered my NC breaks on the spot just to say she wanted to be friends, even if she broke NC being the dumper, don't believe ANY of it. They're crazy most of the time, much more than we are LOL. They just think they have control of all, let them be. Let them bump their head on the road further on, and then remember how good they were with you, how good you treated them.

 

But by that time I'll be in Rome with my new girl. BYE, ex. I must think like this, and you too!

:laugh:

 

Oh, I'm so wanting to. Like I said, I'm dating around now, too. I've been upfront about what I want ("I'm on the rebound, not looking for a commitment, I'm not promising anything, everything's casual, so if you're still okay with that, then let's hang out.") and so far, things have worked out well. One guy was getting pushy, so I just dropped him. He knew what I wanted and it's not a relationship.

 

The dating around's been really helpful. Distractions are really nice. I really, really obsessed myself with the idea of not wanting to dwell on him for too long like I did w/ the ex-ex (the one before this ex) because it kept me from meeting awesome guys.

 

And again, none of the dumpers' explanations matter. There's too much stock placed in this "seeking closure from the ex." I've yet to hear from someone who was able to 100% believe their ex's reason for breaking up from the get go unless the break up's honestly mutual. Closure really comes from ourselves. Even if they tell you they're being honest? You're still faced with the action of the dumper walking away from you.

 

They don't want to be w/ us anymore and that's the only truth we should trust. Start the healing w/ something simple though painful and moving forward becomes a little bit easier.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261270/

 

This is the new thread from Monday. He sent me a super-apologetic email from abroad (working away for three weeks) asking for a second chance. Seemed contrite, so I emailed him back thanking him but saying that we couldn't go back.

 

Then he tracked me down on IM on Wednesday (my fault, should have been blocked) and it turns into this kind of conversation:

 

Him: I really miss you and know I screwed up, I'm lonely (he's overseas with work)

Me: Oh right, so what happened with your affair? (co-worker he cheated on me with)

Him: Um, I'm still seeing her

Me: ...so you're contacting ME to say you're lonely? call her!!

Him: But I miss YOU

Me: (stabbing myself repeatedly in the stomach) How stupid was I to reply to your email? I thought you were being sincere, now I see you were just lonely and bored

Him: No, I really wish I was still with you...

Me: Listen, I'm going, I can see I'm well out of this one. Please don't contact me again

 

 

Yes, a complete headf**k. Am now inserting knitting needles in my eyes. And yes, he is competely blocked / cancelled everywhere now. Learned my lesson. :(

 

HAH! He is so screwed up, Rosie. :sick: Again, as CaliGuy likes to say, "Someone else's problem now! Not yours." I believe this. As long as you keep moving forward, keep rolling. It's those steps forward that matters.

 

I hope you're not beating yourself up too much about not having him blocked. I don't have mine blocked on Skype, but that's because I'm becoming more confident about us never speaking to each other ever again. I don't have to worry about hiding.

 

Also, WHY was he talking to you and not his current squeeze in the first place? What the heck?!

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I'm gonna have to see my ex after pretty much no contact at all for about 3 months now. I have to get my stuff back, and because it's such a huge distance it's pretty much impossible to just show up, load up and go..

It's been going so well lately, had a really awesome date last week, and I hope it's not gonna ruin everything. I do have to do this though, as I need these things to properly move on.

Let's hope I come back smiling :-)

Wish me luck...

 

This contact is unavoidable, unfortunately. I, too, had to mail money I owed my ex and that's all I did but it still made me so uncomfortable. I don't like breaking NC.

 

You will come back smiling! Just think of that awesome date you had. Romantic attention from others is such a good picker-upper!

 

Save face. Do not show how bothered you are to be there. Be civil, light, and politely detached. I'm sure you know these things already, but I just wanted to remind you for your upcoming showdown with the ex. :)

 

Thanks for the post. I was crying this morn cause my ex sent me a tgext cause he is getting spam email from me weekly. It has been since august since we spoke. I kinda think that was his way of contacting me. Anyway he said he keeps getting spam email from me. I told him I'm not sending him anything and to just ignore them. He said ok and that was it.

 

That little bit of conv made me want to start emailing him just to see how he is doing and all that. I started checking my email more often too and now I'm on LS looking for comfort. All that is proff that my heart is still connect and NC is my best option here.

 

So thank you for all the post. It was a reminder of the dark days I had escaped that I don't want to go back to. Let him stick his nose out there for a change but he won't. I just need to keep going on healing and working on acceptance. Its A must!

 

Oh 9Lives... :( I'm so happy that I still have LS, too. Even if life is going well w/ or w/o someone in my life, I always come back.

 

I know about that e-mail checking obsession. I actually ended up shutting down my entire Gmail account and letting my regular contacts know that I changed my personal e-mail address. I just know that if I hadn't done that, I would've kept checking my inbox, too. I'm happy that I have that option to just change e-mail addresses because it has made healing much easier.

 

I knew it, I knew it. Contact of any kind with the ex before having healed 100% is just bad news. It will mess anyone up and that... that is what I do not want for myself at all.

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