Profiling

[AC06]

Okay, so I'm in day 12 of NC now, but I need an opinion on how I've chosen to deal with this breakup (and have done once before).

 

I am a "profiler". I miss her, and I know I can't contact her. She is on my mind from the second I wake up until the second I fall asleep (when I can sleep). And I am constantly going over the relationship in my head, all the things that screwed it up, all the mistakes she has made in the past and whether she is repeating them, all my mistakes and whether they were avoidable, and above all else, from these things, how this is going to turn out for her.

 

Is this healthy? I could be doing alot of other things which may or may not be healthier and more sensible for me. But even though I'll go over the same things again and again and come to the same conclusions, I feel like it does help, because it's still all in my system, still all running through my head, and it just seems like an easy way to deal with the situation.

 

I can tell you that I know a big reason for me doing this is that I'm trying to convince myself that she will be everything I fell in love with again (for the most part) and that one day I will hear off her. And all my conclusions do draw to this. It probably isn't good to sit here and look for reasons why someone might come back, but I could be begging and pleading or something.

 

For what it's worth, I did this exact thing with an ex once before, and I was scarily accurate for how the next 7-8 months of her life panned out. You get to know people when you care about them, I guess. Thing was, she DID come back... and by the time she did I didn't love her any more, in fact, I'd begun to despise her. I never want to despise my current ex, but I'm scared that's where it will go.

 

Does anyone else do this, or have an opinion on it for me?

 

sidenote: NC is going to be VERY hard to maintain in a fortnight, because it'll be a year since I asked her to marry me.

[Sevenscars]

Who cares about how her life turns out. She's the one living it. You're living your life and what matters there is you. Your thoughts about her are normal, but you should be thinking about how you can improve yourself instead. Whether you will hear from her again or not doesn't matter, she's not a part of your life anymore and shouldn't be. In a few months you may despise her because you'll finally see the kind of person she is. But that'll be good because it'll mean you are over her. Stay strong and don't break no contact. It'll only hurt you. She doesn't matter anymore.

[Rose T]

I think the sort of analysis you describe is very normal. The worst part of being a dumpee (as I assume you are) is the sense of helplessness, lack of control. By having an intellectual approach, going over what you know about her (past behaviour as the best indication of future behaviour) you feel like you're doing something - you're not just a victim of the situation. You are also undoubtedly learning from the situation which should stand you in good stead in the future.

 

Whether you can help construct a future reconciliation by the act of analysis is debateable; the important thing is to understand your role in the break-up too, I guess. Its early days in terms of NC so a certain amount of 'obsessing' is par for the course - don't beat yourself up about it. Some people will probably tell you it's not healthy to dwell on your ex's future too much, but if it does help you to take that person off their pedestal, by being aware of their flaws and the fact that their life is probably far from perfect after the break-up, then it's not all bad.

[D78]

Okay, so I'm in day 12 of NC now, but I need an opinion on how I've chosen to deal with this breakup (and have done once before).

...

sidenote: NC is going to be VERY hard to maintain in a fortnight, because it'll be a year since I asked her to marry me.

 

I think that most folks would be lucky to be thinking about what you're thinking about after 12 days of no contact.

 

As you discover what it is about your ex that didn't work for you, you learn what to look for (or avoid) in a future partner. Don't forget to feel the pain caused by your ex's failure to meet these needs.

 

As you think about what you could have done for her, you realize what you will do for a future partner. Don't forget to accept the pain that causes.

 

If your ex comes back, you know that she will have to be a different person to meet your newly discovered criteria. Don't forget the anguish you have endured during this period, and ask yourself if you want to do this again.

 

I would say keep on trucking... It's better to find an answer than wait for one. And, two weeks from now, you will probably be so much further (or farther?) along than you are now.

 

** Disclaimer - I'm one of those out of the blue dumpees as of Nov 14 2010 so take my advice in that context please **

[Ajax]

I've done this for the entire time we've been broken up... almost five months. I hate it and I've spent entirely too much time and energy on it. I hope you don't. It's been almost that long for NC. Just a week ago I finally burned pictures and notes that reminded me of her and deleted her from Facebook and that was a huge step that I should have done sooner. If you haven't done that yet I recomend it.

[AC06]

Who cares about how her life turns out. She's the one living it. You're living your life and what matters there is you. Your thoughts about her are normal, but you should be thinking about how you can improve yourself instead. Whether you will hear from her again or not doesn't matter, she's not a part of your life anymore and shouldn't be. In a few months you may despise her because you'll finally see the kind of person she is. But that'll be good because it'll mean you are over her. Stay strong and don't break no contact. It'll only hurt you. She doesn't matter anymore.

 

I understand the advice and appreciate it. But she still matters to me at the moment, so this...

 

By having an intellectual approach, going over what you know about her (past behaviour as the best indication of future behaviour) you feel like you're doing something - you're not just a victim of the situation.

 

Is just how I'm dealing with it.

 

I think that most folks would be lucky to be thinking about what you're thinking about after 12 days of no contact.

 

As you discover what it is about your ex that didn't work for you, you learn what to look for (or avoid) in a future partner. Don't forget to feel the pain caused by your ex's failure to meet these needs.

 

As you think about what you could have done for her, you realize what you will do for a future partner. Don't forget to accept the pain that causes.

 

If your ex comes back, you know that she will have to be a different person to meet your newly discovered criteria. Don't forget the anguish you have endured during this period, and ask yourself if you want to do this again.

 

I would say keep on trucking... It's better to find an answer than wait for one. And, two weeks from now, you will probably be so much further (or farther?) along than you are now.

 

** Disclaimer - I'm one of those out of the blue dumpees as of Nov 14 2010 so take my advice in that context please **

 

Oh, I know all the flaws for each of us... I just kinda keep going over them, perhaps looking for a new perspective that might help me. I have learned that being Prince Charming is all well and good while it's received properly, but once she got used to it I should have been much stronger in making my point instead of backing down so as to avoid confrontation.

 

I've done this for the entire time we've been broken up... almost five months. I hate it and I've spent entirely too much time and energy on it. I hope you don't. It's been almost that long for NC. Just a week ago I finally burned pictures and notes that reminded me of her and deleted her from Facebook and that was a huge step that I should have done sooner. If you haven't done that yet I recomend it.

 

Don't have Facebook, it's nothing but trouble. I think I'm actually spending so much time and energy on it to come to terms with the fact that I DID spend so much time and energy on the relationship with no return. Bit ironic, really.

 

 

Thanks for the replies thus far guys, I really appreciate it!