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No confidence to try again


LK30

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Hi all,

 

I posted on here a few times in the past as I became single in January, and had a few dates but then finally got set up with a girl in September. We got on really well and it got intimate, but recently I backed out as I just didn't find myself that attracted to her at all - yet the frustrating thing is she's got the best personality I have ever known a gf to have.

 

I broke it off last week, and she's quite upset. I feel so bad, and she said to me that it sounds like I fear relationships, and then run away before commitment. I think she's right as I have had a good 7 or 8 relationships but only one of those has made it to the 12 month mark (the one that ended in Jan 2010).

 

I'm so really worried now and panicking that perhaps I'm STILL not over the last relationship, and that was a year ago it ended! She wasn't as nice as the one I just split with but I did fancy her. I sound shallow as beauty is only skin deep, but the reality is I found myself becoming colder as time went by and I thought it's not fair to lead her on.

 

What's more I stupidly e-mailed the ex the other day having gone NC for a year. It was just a hello and she never replied as expected. Just a stupid heat of moment thing. I know everyone will give me a verbal beating for it. I drove down the high street today and her car was parked outside a house I didn't recognise. It made me inquisitive but I know I just shouldn't care.

 

Guys, I really do feel that I've tried so hard, but I am just never going to find love or happiness and I feel sad about it. It's ruining me and, although I will probably meet someone else eventually but I know I'll just repeat the same trend - date, chill, and then run away. I do like women by the way lol!!

 

Has anyone had the same problem? Perhaps I'm just missing the ex as the most recent r'ship has broken down. I do find that r'ships mask the pain of previous ones, but despite doing all the things like going NC, socialising, gym, etc I feel like I've taken 4 steps forward and 5 back in w year.

 

I find the beginning of r'ships easy and girls do seem to like me when we go through the 'dating' stage, and it's not like I want to leave myself available, I just worry I don't know what I want from my life and I'm negative despite trying so hard to change. I've never cheated, been violent or thieved from women but I might as well have done as I can't feel much worse!

 

Help! :-(

Edited by LK30
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We got on really well and it got intimate, but recently I backed out as I just didn't find myself that attracted to her at all - yet the frustrating thing is she's got the best personality I have ever known a gf to have.

 

...I sound shallow as beauty is only skin deep, but the reality is I found myself becoming colder as time went by and I thought it's not fair to lead her on.

 

...Guys, I really do feel that I've tried so hard, but I am just never going to find love or happiness and I feel sad about it. It's ruining me and, although I will probably meet someone else eventually but I know I'll just repeat the same trend - date, chill, and then run away. I do like women by the way lol!!

 

Has anyone had the same problem? ...I've never cheated, been violent or thieved from women but I might as well have done as I can't feel much worse!

 

Help! :-(

 

I've distilled your own words down for the truth of it.

 

Contrary to what average moral wisdom would have you believe, chemistry is very important. They can have 100% of what you are looking for in their personality but something just doesn't sit right with you. This comes from the fact that we have a subconscious template of what we are looking for in a mate and we are very often unaware of all the subtleties that come with this. It sounds like you are a fair and honest person. You broke it off with her because you felt like it was the right thing to do.

 

This being said, the more you beat yourself up about this, the more your words about never finding someone will come true. You are not a horrible person and you deserve to find someone that meets enough of your desired traits to outweigh any doubts. This doesn't mean that you should call every fault into question, but it is reasonable to be discriminating. Think about it like this: if you weren't discriminating, then you would be cruel to someone who didn't deserve it and that would be a problem. Never stay in a relationship if there is that nagging doubt hanging over your head. Your heart and mind give you signals and if it's not right, it's just not going to be right, ever.

 

IMO: You did the right thing. It's better to be alone than lead someone on. Could you imagine coming to this conclusion after marrying her against your better judgment? Give yourself some credit and don't beat yourself up. Try to learn from the lesson without the self-punishment. And remember, all is fair in love and war. Do what you must to be happy. If your happiness lies along a different path than with her, then you owe it to yourself to pursue it wherever it leads. It didn't work with her, analyze why, learn what you can, and move on. It happens everyday and will continue to happen. She deserves to be happy too and you are giving her the opportunity to continue her pursuit as well.

 

Now about the NC... we all slip. The best thing you can do is back off again until the pain and confusion subsides. And remember: IT WILL SUBSIDE. Just give it time and find things that you enjoy doing to occupy your time. When you find yourself dwelling, do something else. Remember, you can do this, you will find love and be loved. Once you embrace this without beating yourself up, you will be better off. We are taught to feel guilty. Otherwise, we would all be children with no sense of responsibility. Unteach yourself guilt in this instance.

 

I hope this helped. Hang in there!

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Thank you for your reply Zansatsu - there were some very wise words in there and they have given me some motivation and something to think about over time.

 

I am so keen to find love as I don't think I've ever been in love and after so many failed relationships I started to feel like this will just never happen - especially when everyone around me is couple up or married. Perhaps I am just too fussy, and scared of heartache! There is a girl in my office I would love to get to know, but right now it's probably not a good idea and I have always found it difficult to chat people up - that's when I look back and wish I had stuck with one of my relationships!!

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Thank you for your reply Zansatsu - there were some very wise words in there and they have given me some motivation and something to think about over time.

 

I am so keen to find love as I don't think I've ever been in love and after so many failed relationships I started to feel like this will just never happen - especially when everyone around me is couple up or married. Perhaps I am just too fussy, and scared of heartache! There is a girl in my office I would love to get to know, but right now it's probably not a good idea and I have always found it difficult to chat people up - that's when I look back and wish I had stuck with one of my relationships!!

 

I am the same way my friend. I still struggle with it, but as my therapist once told me, "Why beat yourself up?" All it does is make you feel bad and it's not like you've killed someone. And she added (I'm paraphrasing), "You really should give yourself credit for doing the right thing. That doesn't mean it's easy or fun, but you stayed true to yourself."

 

Keep your head up and have confidence. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. And coming from someone who has been in love... trust me, it's a force that you are not likely to resist at all. You will just simply 'know.' The cliche is true.

 

As for office romances... be careful, remember that's your livelihood. It can be done as long as you are open and honest from the beginning but it's treacherous if she is not an open and honest person.

 

Good luck, man! :D

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